The Life Cycle of a Delicious Smiley Face Cookie

Intergalactic Update

Hey hey all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Don’t worry, I’m not dead yet.

(Go to this site to hear Not Dead Yet by the Bad Examples. Ties it up nicely, doesn’t it?)

Anyway, I’ve been around but I’ve been super busy. For some reason, I decided that going to graduate school would be a good career move. Yep, I’m getting my MBA – Masters in Beating up Aliens.

So my first class was Introduction to Managerial Mathematics, and let me tell you it was tough. Barbie was right, math is hard! It was difficult for me but math has always been difficult for me, I passed though and got a very solid 81.75%. I have now moved on to my finance class and that’s hard too! Fortunately, when I get this done, I won’t have to worry about math ever again, right? Right?

Since I’m not dead yet I’m hanging out over at the Straight Dope message boards. And since I’m over there, I figured I’d make an Ask the Intergalactic Gladiator thread. And I will tell you this: It’s guaranteed to be entertaining or double your money back!*

* Offer not valid on planet Earth. Please consult your owner’s manual before attempting to claim double your money back. Offer may contain peanuts, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while claiming your money back. Do not use while sleeping. Edited for television. No other warranty expressed is implied. Please consult your physician before obtaining double your money back. Do not taunt Double Your Money Back. No purchase necessary, please submit receipt to enter. Keep in cool, dry place. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. This message represents the official view of the voices in my head. No animals were harmed by this guarantee. Offer void in Australia because those kangaroos thing they’re so special, don’t they? Do not read warranty backwards. Do not sign here, for internal use only. Do not put warranty in mouth or anus. Do not use warranty while dispensing gasoline.

Yo Joe!

Hey everyone, check out my new post over at Company Apprentice where I interview for a job with none other than Cobra Commander himself. Can you believe it?

You can?

Can you believe he just kicked a dog like that?

Don't Stop reading My Posts

Good evening to all my Junior Intergalacitc Gladiators out there. If you guessed that I have another post over at the Company Apprentice, you guessed right.

“Hi, I’m Richard Head and I’m an alcoholic.” The second executive shook my hand. “And we’ve got to be honest with you, we’ve got a lot of shows in the works. You’re really going to have to wow us today.”

“We need you to engage us with synergy!” Margeaux added as she pushed her hands together. “We’re looking for something with pizzazz – but not too much pizzazz, we need something that people will want to watch. Something that will put money in the bank.”


“Of course,” I answered. “That’s why I would like to show you Team One: Criminal Intent.”

“Hmmm,” Richard rubbed his forefinger on his upper lip. “Isn’t there already a similar show to this?”

Head on over to the post and check it out. Stick around while you're at it, there's a lot of good stuff going on over there (mostly from Team One, I admit).

Read my post, you will

Hey ho everybody, I'm still kicking it over at the Company Apprentice. This week we have a very special task guest judged by non other than Master Yoda himself!

“Good afternoon, Yoda,” Nepharia greeted the Jedi Master. “I am Dar*ahem* Nepharia, the El Jefe for Team One and this afternoon we would like to show you our multipart plan to bring more tourism to Dagobah. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has been working on the advertising campaign and I believe that he has a presentation to share with you at this time.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Yoda,” I stretched out my hand towards him.

“Remember you I do,” the diminutive wizard spoke. “Sing to me that lame song you have and crash into my backyard in your spaceship you did.”

“Heh heh, yes of course,” I chuckled.

If that doesn't get you itchin' to read the full post, I don't know what will! Go on over there and check it out.

Read My Post again!

A great good afternoon to all my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators out there on the InterN.E.T. I'm still chugging away on The Company Apprentice, in fact, I'm the El Jefe for this week's task.

Check it out:

“And so I think this week’s task we’ll have the perfect opportunity to—” Professor Xavier paused. “Jon, are you listening?”

“Sorry, dude,” I replied. “Every time I hit F5 on my Wristcomm, it plays that Money song.”

Professor Xavier and Nepharia looked at each other. “Have you been drinking again?” she asked.

“Jus’ a little,” I pinched my fingers together and squinted. “I’m a’ight… really. You smell nice. Brrrrrrup.”

What happens next? Read it here!

Read My Post

I've been out for a while, but I posted on the Company Apprentice. Here's a little teaser:

I stumbled off the campus to Springfield Heights Institute of Technology holding all of the possessions that I had with me. Actually, I was kindly escorted out by the college’s security force. And by “kindly,” I mean “forcibly.”

“Yeah, well I’ve been kicked out of finer institutions than yours,” I shouted/mumbled back at them. “I’ve been kicked out of Brown, Vassar, and McHenry County College.”

Well this is really weird, I know I was supposed to come here and talk to the kids that we recruited in our new secret society, I wrote it all down here on my hand. That’s weird, my hand appears to be all smudged. Weirder still, I appear to be talking to a small dog right now.

“What do you mean I’m not supposed to be here?” I asked the dog.

The dog yapped back at me.

What happens next? Find out here.

The Company Apprentice

Another quick note to all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Check out the new reality show The Company Apprentice. I'm in it and I will be competing to win the grand prize of a dream job as a

A paper salesman?

Let me check this contract I just signed...

Script Cleaners

Hey everyone, there's a new blog in town called Script Cleaners and I just happen to have a post on it about the Dark Knight.

The Dark Knight.

When this movie hit the theaters, a lot of people were calling it the best “comic book movie” made and talked about how it transcended the genre. It wasn’t just a comic book movie, it was a really good movie that happened to have these comic characters in it.

Better late than never for me, but I did finally see it recently. That being said, it was a pretty good movie, it dealt with some interesting issues. It had big explosions and you could tell that director Christopher Nolan wasn’t just trying to make explosions and chase scenes, he wanted something more.

And yet…

Want to read more? Click here for the link.

Alien Case Files #52.43a: The Judoon

Ah yes, the Jadoon, a galactic police force – or more accurately, a race of thugs – who resemble bipod rhinoceros.

Armed with scanners, energy weapons and magic markers, these creatures do (barely) follow galactic law and are even used by the Shadow Proclamation as mercenaries. According to some sources, they are so dedicated to their work that they even sleep with their boots on. Of course all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators know that sleeping with your boots on often leads to trench foot. Be smart, don’t start.

Here are a couple of video clips featuring the Jadoon in action. Links will open in a separate window.

The Jadoon in Action Number 1.

The Jadoon in Action Number 2.

As you can see, these thugs don’t seem particularly smart and I often wonder how they became a space-faring race in the first place. I can only assume that a super advanced civilization accidentally left all of their ships on the Jadoon planet and now half the galaxy reaps the benefits of that mistake.

My advice to anyone encountering a Jadoon is to turn and get away if possible. If you can’t, just follow their orders and eventually they’ll accomplish their task or get distracted and leave. Whatever you do, don’t hit one of them or it’s sentence: execution.

A final note, Dr. Gaz created a pretty awesome video featuring the Jadoon. Check out the embed below and then go let him know you think it’s fantastic.