Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Hudson: On Leave

Yo man, it’s the H-Man here, comin’ at you hard and loud.

So anyway, I gotta bit of leave time saved up (I try not to go on leave – who knows what kind of awesome bughunts I’d miss if I did) and after that close call on Space Station Alphala, I figured I could use a vacation. Maybe I can go get some Arcturian Tang. I love that orange space drink.

I was kind of worried that my LT wouldn’t let me go on leave, seeing as how I’m so important to the squad. Nobody can grease a 5-Ton like I can grease a 5-Ton. I’m talking about vehicles not fat chicks, byt the way, but LT said “Sure, go ahead. Take as long as you want.” It’s great that my lieutenant is so cool with me, it seems like half the time he doesn’t even ask where I’m going ‘cuz he knows I’m doing something boucoup important.

So here I am out on leave at one of the galaxy’s greatest pleasure planets, just chilaxing by the pool and---

Oh my God, this is not happening! This is not happening. They’re at the pool, they’re at the goram pool!

You kids, get away, man! That thing's going to come in there and it's gonna get you! It’ll be game over for you, man!

Oh jeez, you way hot space pirate ladies are in trouble! Don’t let that thing get you, man! They got acid blood that they spit on you and you’ll be all like “Aghhhhgghh! It got me!”

Oh man! Oh God! Oh Man! It’s got you! It’s freaking fracking got you! Don’t worry, I got my M-41A Pulse Rifle, I’ll shoot it!

Holy crud, that was scary. Unfortunately that pretty lady was caught in the crossfire. I guess I had to kill her to save her, huh?

All this Xenomorph killing sure did get me all wound up, man. I know a nice way to calm down, I’ll just go to a movie and relax.


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

I can't blog today

Dear bloggers I sing this song for to tell you of my plight,
At the time of writing this, I am not a pretty sight,
Me body is all black and blue; me face a deathly gray,
And I hope you'll understand why I can't blog with you today.

I was workin' on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear,
And throwin' 'em down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he bein' an awful sod,
He said I'd have to take them down the ladder in me hod.

Now shiftin' all them bricks by hand seemed so awful slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of buildin' bricks was heavier than me.

Now when I untied the rope, the barrel it fell like lead,
And clingin' tightly to the rope I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found,
That halfways up, I met the bloody barrel comin' down.

Now the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top I struck the pulley with me head.
I still clung on though numbed and shocked from this almighty blow,
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below.

Now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and it started up once more.
Clingin' tightly to the rope then, I headed for the ground,
And I fell among the broken bricks that were scattered all around.

As I lay moanin' on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst,
And the barrel struck the pulley wheel and didn't the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks came down on me, sure I didn't have a hope,
And as I was losin' consciousness, I let go the bloody rope.

Now the barrel being heavier, it started down once more,
And landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
I broke three ribs and me left arm, and I can only say,
That I hope you understand why I can't blog today with you today.