Intergalactic Gladiator

How Much Did You Pay For That Super Villain Life Style?

2011-08-23T17:06:00.004-05:00

Well, your henchmen uniforms look shiny and costly.
How much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzzi?
And how much did you spend on your secret mountain lair?
With computers, a death ray and awesome command chair?

Now destroying armies with rays from above,
Sometimes from countries that you haven't even heard of.
And how much did you pay for your super villain t-shirt
That proves you were there,
That you blew them up first?

How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
Ah, tell me.

How much did you pay for that glowing MacGuffin,
The one you ruthlessly stole from that ancient seer?
And how much will he pay for a brand new MacGuffin,
One which he’ll obviously lose at the start of another show?
And how long will the secret agents keep liberating the new ones?
As long as their gadget cars are red, white, and blue ones.
And how long will the secret agents keep liberating the new ones?
As long as their gadget cars are red, white, and blue ones.

Ancient black hoodoo and homespun voodoo,
Fembot schemes and mind control pills.
Your sanity pays dearly now for evil magic moments,
But rock on completely with some brand new components.

How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?

Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them.
Your chaos won't convert them.
They're so happy to rebuild it.
You'll never really kill it.
Yeah, excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking,
You're drinking,
You're drinking what they're selling.

Wolverine Sure Does Like His Pizza

2010-10-12T20:34:00.002-05:00

The Life Cycle of a Delicious Smiley Face Cookie

2009-11-19T16:32:00.004-06:00

Intergalactic Update

2009-11-16T10:09:00.005-06:00

Hey hey all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Don’t worry, I’m not dead yet.

(Go to this site to hear Not Dead Yet by the Bad Examples. Ties it up nicely, doesn’t it?)

Anyway, I’ve been around but I’ve been super busy. For some reason, I decided that going to graduate school would be a good career move. Yep, I’m getting my MBA – Masters in Beating up Aliens.

So my first class was Introduction to Managerial Mathematics, and let me tell you it was tough. Barbie was right, math is hard! It was difficult for me but math has always been difficult for me, I passed though and got a very solid 81.75%. I have now moved on to my finance class and that’s hard too! Fortunately, when I get this done, I won’t have to worry about math ever again, right? Right?

Since I’m not dead yet I’m hanging out over at the Straight Dope message boards. And since I’m over there, I figured I’d make an Ask the Intergalactic Gladiator thread. And I will tell you this: It’s guaranteed to be entertaining or double your money back!*

* Offer not valid on planet Earth. Please consult your owner’s manual before attempting to claim double your money back. Offer may contain peanuts, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while claiming your money back. Do not use while sleeping. Edited for television. No other warranty expressed is implied. Please consult your physician before obtaining double your money back. Do not taunt Double Your Money Back. No purchase necessary, please submit receipt to enter. Keep in cool, dry place. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. This message represents the official view of the voices in my head. No animals were harmed by this guarantee. Offer void in Australia because those kangaroos thing they’re so special, don’t they? Do not read warranty backwards. Do not sign here, for internal use only. Do not put warranty in mouth or anus. Do not use warranty while dispensing gasoline.

Yo Joe!

2009-08-13T13:46:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone, check out my new post over at Company Apprentice where I interview for a job with none other than Cobra Commander himself. Can you believe it?

You can?

Can you believe he just kicked a dog like that?

Don't Stop reading My Posts

2009-08-06T17:39:00.002-05:00

Good evening to all my Junior Intergalacitc Gladiators out there. If you guessed that I have another post over at the Company Apprentice, you guessed right.

“Hi, I’m Richard Head and I’m an alcoholic.” The second executive shook my hand. “And we’ve got to be honest with you, we’ve got a lot of shows in the works. You’re really going to have to wow us today.”

“We need you to engage us with synergy!” Margeaux added as she pushed her hands together. “We’re looking for something with pizzazz – but not too much pizzazz, we need something that people will want to watch. Something that will put money in the bank.”

“Of course,” I answered. “That’s why I would like to show you Team One: Criminal Intent.”

“Hmmm,” Richard rubbed his forefinger on his upper lip. “Isn’t there already a similar show to this?”

Head on over to the post and check it out. Stick around while you're at it, there's a lot of good stuff going on over there (mostly from Team One, I admit).

Read my post, you will

2009-07-29T11:25:00.003-05:00

Hey ho everybody, I'm still kicking it over at the Company Apprentice. This week we have a very special task guest judged by non other than Master Yoda himself!

“Good afternoon, Yoda,” Nepharia greeted the Jedi Master. “I am Dar*ahem* Nepharia, the El Jefe for Team One and this afternoon we would like to show you our multipart plan to bring more tourism to Dagobah. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has been working on the advertising campaign and I believe that he has a presentation to share with you at this time.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Yoda,” I stretched out my hand towards him.

“Remember you I do,” the diminutive wizard spoke. “Sing to me that lame song you have and crash into my backyard in your spaceship you did.”

“Heh heh, yes of course,” I chuckled.

If that doesn't get you itchin' to read the full post, I don't know what will! Go on over there and check it out.

Read My Post again!

2009-07-22T12:42:00.002-05:00

A great good afternoon to all my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators out there on the InterN.E.T. I'm still chugging away on The Company Apprentice, in fact, I'm the El Jefe for this week's task.

Check it out:

“And so I think this week’s task we’ll have the perfect opportunity to—” Professor Xavier paused. “Jon, are you listening?”

“Sorry, dude,” I replied. “Every time I hit F5 on my Wristcomm, it plays that Money song.”

Professor Xavier and Nepharia looked at each other. “Have you been drinking again?” she asked.

“Jus’ a little,” I pinched my fingers together and squinted. “I’m a’ight… really. You smell nice. Brrrrrrup.”

What happens next? Read it here!

Read My Post

2009-07-18T10:23:00.004-05:00

I've been out for a while, but I posted on the Company Apprentice. Here's a little teaser:

I stumbled off the campus to Springfield Heights Institute of Technology holding all of the possessions that I had with me. Actually, I was kindly escorted out by the college’s security force. And by “kindly,” I mean “forcibly.”

“Yeah, well I’ve been kicked out of finer institutions than yours,” I shouted/mumbled back at them. “I’ve been kicked out of Brown, Vassar, and McHenry County College.”

Well this is really weird, I know I was supposed to come here and talk to the kids that we recruited in our new secret society, I wrote it all down here on my hand. That’s weird, my hand appears to be all smudged. Weirder still, I appear to be talking to a small dog right now.

“What do you mean I’m not supposed to be here?” I asked the dog.

The dog yapped back at me.

What happens next? Find out here.

The Company Apprentice

2009-07-02T16:30:00.003-05:00

Another quick note to all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Check out the new reality show The Company Apprentice. I'm in it and I will be competing to win the grand prize of a dream job as a

A paper salesman?

Let me check this contract I just signed...

Script Cleaners

2009-06-30T13:05:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone, there's a new blog in town called Script Cleaners and I just happen to have a post on it about the Dark Knight.

The Dark Knight.

When this movie hit the theaters, a lot of people were calling it the best “comic book movie” made and talked about how it transcended the genre. It wasn’t just a comic book movie, it was a really good movie that happened to have these comic characters in it.

Better late than never for me, but I did finally see it recently. That being said, it was a pretty good movie, it dealt with some interesting issues. It had big explosions and you could tell that director Christopher Nolan wasn’t just trying to make explosions and chase scenes, he wanted something more.

And yet…

Want to read more? Click here for the link.

Alien Case Files #52.43a: The Judoon

2009-06-17T12:00:00.001-05:00

Ah yes, the Jadoon, a galactic police force – or more accurately, a race of thugs – who resemble bipod rhinoceros.

Armed with scanners, energy weapons and magic markers, these creatures do (barely) follow galactic law and are even used by the Shadow Proclamation as mercenaries. According to some sources, they are so dedicated to their work that they even sleep with their boots on. Of course all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators know that sleeping with your boots on often leads to trench foot. Be smart, don’t start.

Here are a couple of video clips featuring the Jadoon in action. Links will open in a separate window.

The Jadoon in Action Number 1.

The Jadoon in Action Number 2.

As you can see, these thugs don’t seem particularly smart and I often wonder how they became a space-faring race in the first place. I can only assume that a super advanced civilization accidentally left all of their ships on the Jadoon planet and now half the galaxy reaps the benefits of that mistake.

My advice to anyone encountering a Jadoon is to turn and get away if possible. If you can’t, just follow their orders and eventually they’ll accomplish their task or get distracted and leave. Whatever you do, don’t hit one of them or it’s sentence: execution.

A final note, Dr. Gaz created a pretty awesome video featuring the Jadoon. Check out the embed below and then go let him know you think it’s fantastic.

Haiku Summer: Add-a-mendemum

2009-05-28T11:31:00.004-05:00

OK, so I missed a couple of comments in an earlier post. I’m not sure how that happened. I’m here to make it up to you because you know what they say? They say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator always gets his man!” No wait, that doesn’t sound right. They say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator sometimes writes haiku or something.” That doesn’t sound quite right either. Whatever. It is all good, as they say.

For Henchman:
He is the Henchman
Sneaky, dirty, conniving
And a great dancer

Mechanical strength
Summons beast from the abyss
Plus that winning smile

For Dr. Zaius:
Robot hands of No
Held cash for the Chinese mob
Now they are glowing

On top of that, last week at the Absorbascon, he had Haiku Tuesday. Check out these fresh beats:

The Flash is as smart
As the Green Lantern is dumb
They're the Odd Couple.

Blogoversary

2009-05-22T12:59:00.002-05:00

Holy cow everybody. I almost just totally missed my fourth blogoversary. We need to go back and take a look at my previous ones!

Look at that! It’s my third blogversary and it just snuck up on us like that. I’ve been blogging here since May 20, 2005 and you know what that means? I need to get out more.

More importantly, it means that we need to celebrate. Go ahead and get yourself a drink. Make it a Yo Joe Cola or a glass of Champagne, I’ll wait.

Alright, as is my custom, let’s take a look back at my last few blogversaries, shall we?

On Throneworld, in the throne room of the Queen of the Galaxy, an unusual cast of characters gather. The group includes Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Gladiator, Major Rocksun, Royal Technician Lombarr, and Queen Galacta IX herself, of course.

I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors and into the room. My heals made a distinct and echoing clacking sound as I strode across the regal floor towards the Queen’s ornate seat.

I gave a quick bow “Your majesty.”

“Welcome once again, Gladiator,” the Queen acknowledged. “To what do we owe this honor?”

“Queen Galacta,” I paused and turned to the others. “Major Rockson, Private Hudson, Jan, Lombarr and everybody else here, this is a special day. A very special day.”

“What is it?” asked Jan.

“What could it be?” asked Rocksun.

“Is it V-Day?” asked Hudson. “Or D-Day? Or VD-Day?”

“VD-Day?” grimaced Jan. “Ew.”

“Nope,” I grinned. “It’s my second Blogoversary!”

“Wow,” Jan said. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you, thank you,” I said. “Lombarr, would you be so kind as to throw up last year’s Blogoversary post on the telemonitor?”

“Certainly.” Lombarr threw a switch and the post showed up on the viewer.

Along the way, we found Hudson.

"Tractor beam off?" I asked Hudson.

"Sure is," he replied. "I took out some troops along the way, too."

"Really?"

"Yup," he nodded. "Totally quiet and sneaky-like. I am like Snake Eyes, a stone cold totally quiet killer. They never saw me coming."

"So you're silent but violent?" I asked.

"You got it," he grinned, full of pride.

I stopped.

"Wait a minute, what's today's date?"

"You mean on Earth, or the Queen's Galactic Calendar?" asked Jan.

"On Earth," I replied. I dialed up the calendar on my Wristcomm. "Hey, it's May 19th!"

"So?" shrugged Hudson.

"Tomorrow is my one year blogoversary!" I answered, allowing for more excitement than my current situation should allow.

"Oh, well, happy blogoversary," said Hudson.

"Yes, happy blogoversary," smiled Jan. Then she looked down. "I don't have a blog."

"Maybe some day you will," I answered. "Hey, why don't we take a look at my first post."

Jan and Hudson nodded in agreement and I called up my blog on my Wristcomm, then went to the first entry:

I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket.

Holding the weapon aloft, I yelled to the crowd "The 'eyes' have it!" The audience was beside itself, roaring and cheering my victory.

Victory, thy taste is sweet.

"That was... nice," Jan said.

"I liked that action hero line," Hudson smiled. "The eyes have it! The eyes have it! The eyes have it!"

"Yeah, well, sometimes I need work on those lines." I looked out past the fourth wall. "I want to thank everyone who's visited me here for the past year. You know who you are, go on stand up and give yourselves a big hand. Great. Now, just the ladies. Now just the men. Now just the men pretending to be ladies. Ha, I got you! Now you two in the back! Go on, stand up and clap."

Thank you.

“That was splendid” said the Queen.

“Thank you,” I said. “And thanks to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. You’re the reason I’m doing this. Give yourselves a round of applause and keep watching the skies!”

Cool. I had a lot of fun writing the blog this year and I’ve want to thank all of my new Junior Intergalactic Gladiators that have found their way here as well as the ole faithful who’ve been around already. Thanks for stopping by these past twelve months; you make this old Intergalactic Gladiator proud. Go on, give yourselves a hand.

Like I said, this year’s been fun and there were quite a few happenings along the way: Jan had a great adventure with the Bandit, I saved Dr. Zaius from a giant Jimmy Olsen robot, I started up the Separated at Birth Series and the iDoodles, and I took a picture of a deer peeing. Oh yeah, I’m also running for president. So tell me, what was your favorite Intergalactic Gladiator moment from this past year? Go on, I’m listening…

That was super. I hope everyone had a swell time reading my blog this year.

#@(*&% Blagojevich burgers are on me! Yum-o!

Haiku Summer IV

2009-05-19T09:31:00.006-05:00

OK, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I had a lot of fun with the haiku, so let’s end this with a bang. Submit your requests in the comments section below.

Summer’s just starting
Warm air, sunshine, nice weather
Let’s go see Star Trek

Captain Han Solo
Is all mushy for Leia
Laugh it up, fuzzball

For Dr. Zaius:
Sarah L Palin
She’s on a bridge to nowhere
Please, just go away

Update: For Captain Picard:
They're brave on Stargate
Jumping through a big portal
That looks like a loo

Haiku Summer III

2009-05-13T10:15:00.006-05:00

Don’t stop me now kids, I’m on a roll!

(Well not literally. I don’t go around sitting on bread, that would be silly. You know what I mean)

For Captain Picard:
Money's tight right now
Even on the Enterprise
Worf gets out to push

Star Fleet's strapped for cash
Those Dilythium Crystals
Sure are expensive

For Jason Todd:
Jason Todd was caught
Stealing hubcaps from Batman
So make him Robin?

For MWB:
He wants no culture
Online, but can we have boobs
As well as good taste?

Haiku Summer, Part II

2009-05-12T10:52:00.004-05:00

Writing haikus is fun! It’s fun and cultured! I got so much culture, it’s coming out of my butt.

I’m totally jazzed that you are getting into it too; did you see the haiku from Captain Picard and Yoda? Yoda even wrote a great one about Gollum. Here are some more haiku for your enjoymentude:

I love my wife and
Want to make love to her bod
As well as her mind

My daughter Kiera
Really really loves horses
I won’t buy her one

Paxton is talking
Naming everything he sees
Seagulls are now hawks

OK Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I’ll write more if you want them.

Put your requests in the comments.

Intergalactic Gladiators, ho!

Haiku Summer

2009-05-11T10:21:00.009-05:00

Summer of what?

That’s right, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I’m on a haiku kick right now and I’ll write one just for you. It can be about anything, politics, space travel, movies. You name it (just ix-nay on the onkeyboy-may, OK?)!

Just to start things off a little, I wrote this one for Dr. Zaius’s post about Bristol Palin going on the talk show circuit to talk about abstinence:

Bristol's on TV
Showing us her abstinence
Good job, you dummy

So come one, come all. Send in your orders via the comment section below. This is just like Summer of iDoodles, but with poetry, so you know it’s cultured!

Update! For Dr. Zaius:

One haiku for brains
And one for chocolate cake
Or one that has both?

The Most Interesting Man in the Galaxy

2009-05-05T12:42:00.005-05:00

He once built a powerful supercomputer using only duct tape, two circuit boards, a ship’s steering wheel, and a less powerful supercomputer.

He once surfed the tail of a comet because it seemed like a cool thing to do.

He once defended a small village on planet Cruxes IV from a giant gelatin monster using only a fifty gallon drum of whipped cream and a wooden spoon.

He once made a suit entirely out of bacon and dared the lions at the zoo to take a bite.

None took him up on it.

He is the most interesting man in the galaxy.

“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, it’s Dos Equis. I mean, usually, sometimes I’ll have a Sierra Nevada or maybe even a PBR if that’s all they have. Oh wait, it’s Cinco de Mayo! Of course I’m drinking a Dos Equis, that’s all I have. It’s way better than that Corona stuff.

Stay thirsty, my friends.”

Hudson: On Leave

2009-04-21T13:17:00.004-05:00

Yo man, it’s the H-Man here, comin’ at you hard and loud.

So anyway, I gotta bit of leave time saved up (I try not to go on leave – who knows what kind of awesome bughunts I’d miss if I did) and after that close call on Space Station Alphala, I figured I could use a vacation. Maybe I can go get some Arcturian Tang. I love that orange space drink.

I was kind of worried that my LT wouldn’t let me go on leave, seeing as how I’m so important to the squad. Nobody can grease a 5-Ton like I can grease a 5-Ton. I’m talking about vehicles not fat chicks, byt the way, but LT said “Sure, go ahead. Take as long as you want.” It’s great that my lieutenant is so cool with me, it seems like half the time he doesn’t even ask where I’m going ‘cuz he knows I’m doing something boucoup important.

So here I am out on leave at one of the galaxy’s greatest pleasure planets, just chilaxing by the pool and---

Oh my God, this is not happening! This is not happening. They’re at the pool, they’re at the goram pool!

You kids, get away, man! That thing's going to come in there and it's gonna get you! It’ll be game over for you, man!

Oh jeez, you way hot space pirate ladies are in trouble! Don’t let that thing get you, man! They got acid blood that they spit on you and you’ll be all like “Aghhhhgghh! It got me!”

Oh man! Oh God! Oh Man! It’s got you! It’s freaking fracking got you! Don’t worry, I got my M-41A Pulse Rifle, I’ll shoot it!

Holy crud, that was scary. Unfortunately that pretty lady was caught in the crossfire. I guess I had to kill her to save her, huh?

All this Xenomorph killing sure did get me all wound up, man. I know a nice way to calm down, I’ll just go to a movie and relax.

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

I can't blog today

2009-04-01T14:00:00.000-05:00

Dear bloggers I sing this song for to tell you of my plight,
At the time of writing this, I am not a pretty sight,
Me body is all black and blue; me face a deathly gray,
And I hope you'll understand why I can't blog with you today.

I was workin' on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear,
And throwin' 'em down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he bein' an awful sod,
He said I'd have to take them down the ladder in me hod.

Now shiftin' all them bricks by hand seemed so awful slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of buildin' bricks was heavier than me.

Now when I untied the rope, the barrel it fell like lead,
And clingin' tightly to the rope I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found,
That halfways up, I met the bloody barrel comin' down.

Now the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top I struck the pulley with me head.
I still clung on though numbed and shocked from this almighty blow,
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below.

Now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and it started up once more.
Clingin' tightly to the rope then, I headed for the ground,
And I fell among the broken bricks that were scattered all around.

As I lay moanin' on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst,
And the barrel struck the pulley wheel and didn't the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks came down on me, sure I didn't have a hope,
And as I was losin' consciousness, I let go the bloody rope.

Now the barrel being heavier, it started down once more,
And landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
I broke three ribs and me left arm, and I can only say,
That I hope you understand why I can't blog today with you today.

Separated at Birth VII: Your all Superbowl Edition

2009-01-29T13:25:00.002-06:00

A big hello to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators today, the Separated at Birth supercomputer is going to take a little break from its current work of calculating the subatomic formula for keeping the hot side hot and the cold side cold to bring you another award winning* edition of Separated at Birth.

And because we are merely days away from The Big Game, I’ve got this puppy tuned up to present to you the all-NFL Separated at Birth. Are you ready? Strap on your seatbelts because here we go!

Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin and Dr. Eric Foreman are Separated at Birth!

Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy and that King of Queens guy are Separated at Birth!

I don’t know what the deal is, but apparently there are a lot of coaches with the name Mike. Here’s another coach named Mike who’s Separated at Birth:

Seattle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren and a walrus are Separated at Birth!

Amazing isn’t it? The Separated at Birth supercomputer tells no lies. Now here’s one that just may knock your socks off!

Philadelphia Eagles Coach Andy Reid, Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren and a walrus are all Separated at Birth!

Ladies and gentlemen, if this is your first Separated at Birth, then welcome to this fantastically amazing, stupendously astounding, astonishingly breathtaking event that is without peer on this INTERgalactic Network of Electronic Transmissions. People who have been here before are also welcome.

Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fischer and that one used car salesman who pretends to be a secret agent to get women are Separated at Birth!

Ladies and gentlemen for this last Separated at Birth, I advise all pregnant women and anyone with a serious heart condition to continue no further. If you feel faint or lose feeling in your left arm, seek medical assistance immediately. You have been warned.

Chicago Bears running back Adrian Peterson and comedian Whoopi Goldberg are Separated at Birth!

Adrian, sorry to do that to you dog. If it’s any consolation, I’d rather tongue kiss you than her. It’s not? Disregard.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for being a part of this latest Separated at Birth. Tune in next time when we’ll use the Separated at Birth supercomputer to simultaneously sort a tin can of nails and come up with the formula for New NEW Coke.

*Allegedly

2009-01-20T14:27:00.000-06:00

The #@(*&% Blagojevich

2009-01-12T11:55:00.005-06:00

When I saw the Dr. Zaius post about the #@(*&% Blagojevich burger I knew I had to have one. The meaty gauntlet was thrown down and it was time to step up to the (dinner) plate.

Patricia and I had always wanted to go to Kuma’s Corner, but we’ve never had the opportunity. With this new found mission of mine, however, we made a date. The kids stayed at grandma’s for the afternoon and my wife and I made our way through the Chicago snowstorm to 2900 W. Belmont.

We ordered our beers and our lunch, Patricia got the Iron Maiden. We had about an hour’s wait, but already knew that going in – the reviews we saw said that Kuma’s has one of the best burgers in town, but it takes a long time to actually get to you.

It was worth it.

The patty tasted great and was grilled perfectly; the balogna on top of it offered its smooth, salty taste to every bite. On top of that (pun intended), Kuma’s has the best ketchup that I’ve ever tasted. Way better than your ordinary ketchup, this stuff has some zing to it. The waffle fries were crispy and tasty, too, though I wanted to order the fresh-cut chips, I didn’t regret getting the fries instead.

If I had one complaint about the #@(*&% Blagojevich, it’s that it has a lot of bread on it. The grilled cheese sandwiches on either side were just a bit too much. But that’s the point, right?

I will probably never have a #@(*&% Blagojevich again, but it was definitely an amazing culinary experience. That thing knocked me out. Literally. I needed a nap that afternoon.

Rudy the Red-Toed Reindeer Returns!

2008-12-22T07:47:00.006-06:00

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
But who do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?

Rudy, the red-toed reindeer
had some very shiny toes.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say they glows.

All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudy
join in any Massively multiplayer online role-playing games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
“Rudy with your toes aglow,
won’t guide my sleigh ho ho ho?”

Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with adulation,
Rudy, the red-toed reindeer,
BMI has this song in heavy rotation

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy
Do you, do you, do you, do you
Know what you're doing, doing, to me
Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy

Could it be, could it be
That you're joking with me?
And you don't really see you and me
Could it be, could it be
That you're joking with me?
And you don't really see you and me

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy
Do you, do you, do you, do you
Know what you're doing, doing, to me
Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy
Do you, do you, do you, do you
Know what you're doing, doing, to me

Hey everybody, Rudy the Red-Toed Reindeer's back!

He’s the reindeer that visits all the Junior Intergalactic Gladiators this time of year to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

So grab yourself a nice big cup of eggnoodles (with rum, of course) and enjoy the season!

Splotchy's Story Meme

2008-12-19T15:43:00.007-06:00

Merry Christmas, all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators. I know you’re all just itching to find out what happens next but I’m going to take a slight detour to particiapate in Splotchy’s story Meme. Read on, true believers!

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours. Splotchy

The Apple

The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)

I couldn't believe my eyes. Surrepticiously, I tried to establish, without giving it away, if anyone else had seen what I had. For ten years I had been looking for that box. What looked like an ordinary cardboard box to most contained something most precious. Only by the small golden "P" was I able to identify what I was looking at. (Freida Bee)

How the box got here, or how I happened to be on this bus with it now--these questions were immaterial. I just had to get that box. The bus slowed to a stop, so I steadied myself. Just as I was about to make a grab for the box, however, it moved. Someone else was picking it up to take it away! I had to stop her! (Dguzman)

"Ack!" I expclaimed. "Unhand my box, Madam!" But my woeful cry was to no avail as the woman with my box had already turned her back to me, and was quickly walking down the aisle towards the door. Oh, cruel fate! The woman with my box was escaping! I hastily grabbed my valise and nudged my way past the other passengers to get to the front of the bus. (Zaius)

The woman was already out the door by the time I reached the front of the bus. I aimed for the door myself only to see it close right in front of my face. I turned towards the bus driver and gave him my best sheepish, innocent looking shrug. He replied with an impatient grunt but pulled the lever anyway and I was out the door in a flash.

“Excuse me ma’am,” I said as I grabbed the woman by her shoulder. “I’m sorry but I believe that you have my box there.”

“Your what?” she replied in a shocked gasp. “No, this is my box. See, it has this P on it, that stands for Persephone. That’s me.”

“I really must insist,” I insisted. “If you would just open the box and look inside, I’m sure that the contents will show you that it’s mine.”

“I’ll do no such thing. You’ve got a lot of nerve, mister.”

Just then, I looked up as the bus began to pull out into traffic. There, looking out of the back window was a small boy armed with an impish grin and proudly holding a cardboard box with a golden “P” on the side.

I hereby infect the following: Professor Xavier, Captain Picard, Dr. Nemonok, MWB, and Wolverine.

On Space Station Alpha, Part VI

2008-12-15T16:58:00.004-06:00

The two torpedoes raced to the station. They grew brighter and brighter as they grew closer and closer.

“Oh man…” Hudson stared at the ordinance coming straight at us.

“This is going to suck…” I added.

The torpedoes exploded in a bright flash. I winced and turned away. There was a moment where I expected to feel the explosion or get sucked out into space, but nothing happened. I turned and looked back out the window and I saw another ship shooting past. Energy bolts lanced out from her cannon straight at our assailant.

“Look there,” Major Rocksun pointed. “Who is that?”

“That looks like the Pegasus Elite!” I shouted out. “It’s Jan the Intergalactic Aviator.”

“Game… not over?” Hudson asked.

“We are truly indebted to her for her actions here,” Queen Galacta said.

The attacking craft quickly maneuvered away from the Pegasus Elite and the two ships quickly locked into a dangerous dogfight. They arced and turned and twisted around each other

“Go get ‘em, Jan!” Hudson shouted.

“They’re heading into that asteroid field!” Major Rocksun called out.

“They’re circling that big rock!” Hudson added to the play-by-play.”

“It looks as if they have the angle on Jan!” I said.

“Look out, Jan! Look out!” Queen Galacta couldn’t help but to get into the fight as well.

The aggressor fired several shots at Jan’s ship and an explosion flashed through the darkness. We couldn’t see the Pegasus Elite anywhere.

“Is she…?” Queen Galacta asked.

“That explosion…” Major Rocksun shook his head. “Too large for just a rock.”

On Space Station Alpha, Part V

2008-12-08T18:40:00.007-06:00

The facehugger launched itself right at me. It was barely inches away from my when it exploded in midair. Acid blood rained down on me as I attempted to dodge the splattering goo.

“Ow ow,” I grimaced as I pulled the shirt off me and threw it to the floor. I stood there in my t-shirt and watched the acid-splashed one sizzle on the desk. “Nice.”

“I didn’t have to shoot it,” Major Rocksun said with a slight grin.

“No, thank you,” I replied. “I appreciate it.”

“Uh… little help?” Private Hudson was still stuck fast with the Xenomorph resin. I dashed over to him and started pulling the goop off his arms.

“Why don’t you get your crotchal area,” I suggested.

“I got it,” he grunted as he pulled the stuff off him.

“You OK?” I asked. “I expected you to be freaking out right now.”

“Well I was,” the private admitted. “But then it was like my brain just shut down. It didn’t let me think about what was going on or let me get scared or nothing.”

“Interesting.”

“Hey, maybe I’m not scared of giant space bugs anymore,” he said eagerly. “Maybe I’m cured and oh my God look at all them freakin’ eggs! Ahhhh game over!”

“So much for that.”

“Hey of you two are done poking and tickling each other, we’ve still got some work to do.” Major Rocksun pointed that the eggs with his rifle.

“Yeah, you got it.” I unslung Hudson’s rifle from my shoulder and handed it to him. We unloaded our weapons into all the eggs until nothing was left but a massive puddle of Xenomorph parts on the deck.

“Take that! And that!” Hudson yelled.

“OK OK, that’s enough,” Rocksun waved his arms. “We got ‘em all.”

“Heck yeah!” Hudson yelled. “I am state of the badass art! All gone bye bye!”

“Calm down there, Private,” Rocksun added.

“That was a lot of eggs,” Queen Galacta stated as she surveyed the mess. “How did they get here?”

“I’m guessing that Demon Claw planted them here to get to us,” I said.

“They must have brought them in in some kind of stasis or something,” Rocksun added. “I would imagine that these things would set off all kinds of alarms.”

“One would think,” Galacta replied.

Suddenly, the deck shook and explosions rumbled.

“That came from outside.” Rocksun dashed to a large porthole to look out into space. “There!”

A space craft was perched several hundred meters from our position and had its weapons aimed right at us.

Rocksun cursed under his breath. “We’re sitting Galvorian ducks here. Another couple hits will breach the hull.”

The ship’s torpedo tubes lit up as it fired at us again. Two proton torpedoes raced right at us.

On Space Station Alpha, Part IV

2008-11-30T22:10:00.008-06:00

“Where is he?” Major Rocksun yelled. “Where’s Hudson?”

“I’m not getting a readout.” I smacked the side of the motion tracker. Smacking it may not have helped. But it couldn’t hurt, right?

“We need to find him.” Queen Galacta looked worried.

“What if there isn’t anything left to find?” Rocksun asked.

“We can go to his last location and work from there,” I said. “Figure out just what he made contact with.”

“Your Highness, once again I must take this opportunity to remind you of the dangers we’re about to face,” Rocksun said to the Queen. “I recommend that you do not accompany us on this.”

“Nonsense, Major,” she replied. “I know you are concerned, but if something out there is dangerous enough to take out a marine, then you’re going to need all the help you can get.

“This is going to suck,” I said as I looked up into the vent. Then the tracker started beeping again. “Wait, I got something here!”

“Looks like he moved… or got moved… up two levels,” Rocksun said as he looked at the screen. “What’s there?”

“Storage, I think,” I answered.

“Plenty of room to hide just about anything,” Rocksun nodded. “We need to hurry.”

“You are right,” Queen Galacta nodded. “Time is of the essence.”

“Let’s take the lift,” I said as I pointed to the elevator.

“Yes, the lift,” Rocksun agreed. “Let’s go.”

We quickly made our way to the level that Hudson’s signal was coming from and looked around for Hudson.

“Over there.” Rocksun pointed.

“Careful, Major,” I said. “I’m getting a lot of unusual readings on this thing.”

Major Rocksun followed the barrel of his pulse rifle into the murky storage area. “Holy frack!”

I don’t think I ever heard Rocksun swear like that before. I caught up and looked at what he saw. The whole open deck was filled with odd egg-like… things.

“Oh God…” I couldn’t believe it. “Xenomorphs.”

“Kill… me…”

That came form Hudson. He as pasted to the wall by some sort of resin. I dashed over to him.

“We’ll get you out,” I said as I pulled on the gooey webbing encasing him.”

“Look man,” Hudson gurgled. “We’re surrounded. Get out of here.”

“No way,” I said. “I’ve almost got you.”

“Look out!”

I turned and saw a facehugger sailing through the air right at me.

On Space Station Alpha, Part III

2008-11-25T12:50:00.003-06:00

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy Sr.’s lifeless body slumped lifelessly in the containment chamber.

“Oh my daring dashing deft delightful dear darling…” Gladys the Monkeygirl sobbed softly.

“He’s dead, Jon,” Private Hudson said grimly.

“The poor pathetic creature,” Queen Galacta bit her lip.

“Amazingly brave,” Major Rocksun nodded.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “This isn’t right. Jo Jo Jr. survived a radiation leak just like this. Jo Jo Sr. can’t be dead.”

“Hey, I am feeling better.” Jo Jo Sr. rolled over, planted his head on his hand and dug his elbow into the deck. “Wow, it’s like a new lease on life. A lease with an option to buy!”

“Oh my Monkeygod,” sighed Gladys. “You’re OK?”

“Am I OK?” Jo Jo hopped up on his feet and began bouncing up and down. “I’m better than OK. I’m as fit as a horse, as healthy as a fiddle!”

“Well, that’s great to hear,” Hudson rolled his eyes.

“Get that thing out of there and scrub him down,” Rocksun ordered.

Suddenly, a shot rang out from the air vent. Rocksun, Hudson, and I immediately returned fire with our weapons. The vent quickly became a smoking mess of twisted vent metal.

“Hold it, hold it!” Rocksun called out. “Cease fire.”

Hudson took three or four more shots, then one more, before lowering his pulse rifle.

“Someone’s in there, but he must’ve retreated after taking that shot,” Rocksun said.

“Then I’m going in,” Hudson replied. He let his body armor clatter to the ground and pulled off his helmet.

“Private Hudson, there is no doubt of your bravery,” the Queen said. “But I cannot let you go up there by yourself and unarmed. This task is too dangerous.

“Don’t worry,” his eyebrows wagged as pulled out his pistol. “I’m not going in unarmed. Game over for whoever’s in there. Game over, forever.”

“If you’re going to grease yourself up, I might throw up,” I said. “I don’t think this is a good idea either. Who knows what you’ll face up in there.”

“Hey, it’s just like being a tunnel rat,” he grinned. “Or like going through the vents in the terraforming colony on some rock. Easy as pie, and I love pie.”

“Yeah, but those vents could be a maze,” I said. “You might never find the shooter or you might get lost.”

Now that I think about it, this doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

“Track me on this.” Hudson unclipped the motion tracker from his web belt and tossed it over to me. “Get a good reading of me and you can radio me the coordinates of whatever’s in there.”

“OK, I guess that’ll work,” I shrugged. “Wouldn’t it also work if you carried it though?”

“Sorry can’t hear you, man!” Hudson was up and into the vent and quickly low crawled out of sight.

“That is a brave marine,” Queen Galacta said as she looked at the vent.

“Brave or stupid?” I asked.

“I vote stupid,” Rocksun said as he looked up into the vent.

“Jon, this is Hudson, over,” I heard his voice crackle over my Wristcomm.

I keyed the mic. “This is Jon.”

There was a long moment of silence.

“You didn’t say over, over,” he stated.

I looked at Major Rocksun and he rolled his eyes.

“You’re right, I didn’t say over,” I said. “But we’re the only two on this frequency and we’re broadcasting multichannel so we don’t have to key and unkey the mics.”

There was a long pause.

“It is always proper to use proper radio procedure, over.”

“Fine, then please refer to me by my call sign that you got from your Radio Operator’s Handbook, over,” I growled at him.

He was silent for a moment.

“I don’t have one,” he said quietly.

“Hey while you two are goofing around, it looks like Hudson’s about to make contact,” Rocksun showed me the tracker. “Multiple contacts.”

“Hudson, you’re about to hit something,” I called into the mic. “There are 10 readings right around the corner from your position.”

“Well, I’ll just take a little peek around the corner and OH MY GOD!”

“Hudson! What is it?”

I heard shots ring out.

“Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby!” I could hear Hudson yelling as he fired his weapon. “Come on! I don't got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? Take this you stupid bugs!”

“Hudson, report!” Rocksun yelled into my Wristcomm.
“Bugs, man!” He yelled. “Get ‘em off! Get ‘em off me! Aggggghhhh!”

Hudson’s radio fell silent.

On Space Station Alpha, Part II

2008-11-19T10:56:00.004-06:00

I tackled the assassin as the bright flash of energy shot from the phase pistol. As he went down, I wrestled the weapon from his hands. As I hauled him back to his feet, I looked over and saw the scorch mark in the bulkhead mere inches from Queen Galacta’s head.

“Wow, that was close,” I said, my eyebrows were hitched high.

“Thank you once again, Gladiator,” the Queen nodded. “The galaxy owes you another debt of gratitude.”

“Think nothing of it,” I replied. I then grabbed the assassin and brought him close to me. “Too bad for you, buddy, you missed. You lose.”

“Hardly,” he replied. “I am only the first. We are the Demon Claw and we are many. Chop off one of our hands and two will take its place.”

“Yeah, where have I heard that line before?”

“My Queen, are you all right?” Major Rocksun sprinted up to where she was standing.

“I am fine, thank you,” she responded.

“Our plans are in motion!” the assassin suddenly screamed. “We are Demon Claw and you will not get off this space station alive!”

There was a cracking sound from his mouth and he suddenly slumped lifeless. Rocksun dug his two fingers into the man’s mouth.

“Poisonyde,” he said grimly. “Held in a hollow tooth.”

“That was some fast acting poison,” I said. “I mean jeez, we didn’t even get a chance to save him or slap him or anything.”

“That’s how poisonyde works,” Rocksun responded coolly. “But what about his final warning that we’ll never get off the station alive?”

Suddenly alarm claxons sounded and red lights flashed all throughout the corridors.

“You had to ask,” I replied.

“Power core meltdown in five minutes,” a calm voice announced to us and the entire space station.

“The power core!” I yelled, but Rocksun was already three steps ahead of me and running towards the lift.

“Queen Galacta, I cannot allow you to come with us,” Rocksun blocked her entrance into the lift. “You need to evacuate Space Station Alpha immediately.”

“Nonsense,” she pushed past him and into the lift car. “I will not leave my favorite major and Intergalactic Gladiator here to die.”

The three of us made our way to the power plant and were immediately stopped by the engineering chief.

“No one can go in there,” he said brusquely. “The deck is flooded with radiation. No one would survive.”

“What about the controls?” Roksun looked over the panels.

“Locked down from the inside,” he replied. “Someone sabotaged the rad suits, too. Anyone stepping into that chamber would die from the intense radiation.”

“So you said,” I replied.

“Three minutes to core meltdown,” the calm voice warned us.

“Gotta love those countdowns, huh?” I asked.

“Hey, what’s the op, Jon?” Private Hudson appeared as the doors to the lift opened. Jo Jo the Monkeyboy Sr. was clinging to his back like an obnoxious rucksack and singing some inane song.

“Core meltdown, deadly radiation,” I pointed to the core with my thumb. “What are you even doing here?”

“Hey, I know where the action is,” he replied. “Wait. Core meltdown? Oh man, game over!”

Jo Jo Sr. quickly jumped off his back and threw himself into the radiated chamber.

“Wait Jo Jo! Come back!” Hudson cried. “Oh man, game over for him.”

“Core meltdown averted. Enjoy your stay on Space Station Alpha,” the calm voice announced.

“Wow,” Rocksun shook his head.

Jo Jo appeared behind the radiation shielding glass and pressed his hand against its surface. He then collapsed and sputtered.

“I don’t think I’m going to make it,” he said with unusual seriousness.

“Jo Jo, you did it!” Hudson exclaimed. “You saved the ship!”

“But at… coff coff… what price?” the monkeyboy replied.

“We’ll get you fixed up,” Hudson said tearfully. “You’ll be good as new, I promise.”

“I don’t think so.” The comedy relief creature coughed again. “Tell my wife that I love her.”

“Wait, your wife?” I asked.

“Yes, Gladys the Monkeygirl. See, she’s right over there.”

I turned and saw what could only be a monkeygirl standing at the doors to the lift.

“Baby, you’re the greatest,” Jo Jo sputtered and then collapsed.

“No Jo Jo, don’t go go Jo Jo!” she cried.

“We’ll always have Paris,” he sputtered and collapsed again.

“I will always love youuuuuuuu!” she sang.

“Remember, the bananas will be with you always…” he sputtered again and collapsed again.

“You’re my special banana muffin,” she said quietly.

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy Sr sputtered and collapsed for the last time.

On Space Station Alpha

2008-11-17T12:39:00.006-06:00

I was on Space Station Alpha located in geosynchronous orbit around Planet Hacknor (actually as far as I know, it’s geosynchronous, it may actually be semisynchronous, but geosynchronous sounds better). I had received a coded messaged from Major Rocksun asking to meet him here. Of course normally, I don’t spend my time there, it’s a little touristy for my tastes, but when one of the Queen’s guards sends a message like that, you know something’s up.

“Major Rocksun,” I said as I met him in the corridor. “How’s it going?”

“Fine,” he answered curtly. “Here’s the scoop Jon, Queen Galacta is stopping by this station on her way to the Pan Galactic Peace Talks in the next system.”

That’s Rocksun for you, all business.

“She’s here?” I asked.

“Yes,” he nodded. “Normally, I wouldn’t come to you like this, you know because you’re a civilian and all, but I need another pair of eyes on the lookout for her. We have word that someone’s going to take a shot at her here.”

“Yeah, no problem.” I’ve saved the Queen before, I’ll do it again if needed.

“OK, so just try to blend in when she passes through and keep your eyes out.”

“You got it,” I nodded grimly.

Rocksun moved on and I slid to the side, trying to move into the crowd.

“Howya doin’ Jonny Bonnie Ronnie Biscotti?” I heard a voice call out.

“No. Don’t tell me…”

“You got it, me bucko,” Jo Jo the Monkeyboy Sr. was standing there right in front of me. “Howya doin’ buddy pal chum friend bud friendo Kimosabe?”

“What are you doing here?” I hissed at him.

“I’m here for the sidekick convention! Hair Professor Doctor J J VonMonkeyboy will speak tonight! Isn’t that thrilling?” Jo Jo Sr. fluttered his eyelashes.

“Yeah that’s…” I began. “You know, normally, I have the patience to put up with you sidekick types, but I’m really, really busy right now.”

“I understand that, fella, jella, mella yalla a capella,” the monkeyboy gave me a mock salute.

“Hey Hudson! Watch this thing will you?” I yelled out to the passing Colonial Marine.

“Sure, hey!” I scooped up the monkeyboy and threw it right at Hudson. He staggered around for a moment with it adhered to his face before stumbling away.

I turned in time to see Queen Galacta striding through one of the connecting doors that lead to the command center. There was a quiet moment, and though the station was filled with beings from every corner of the galaxy, it seemed like only she was there. She seemed to dress down a bit, but she was unable to hide her regal countenance.

Somehow, I felt that something wrong, it just didn’t feel right to me and I looked around to determine the cause of this unease.

Suddenly I found it: An assassin with a phase pistol and the weapon was pointed right at the Queen. I reached towards the assailant but it felt like I was swimming in soup as he pulled the trigger.

I saw the gun discharge with a bright flash of energy.

Next Week... Someone Will Die....!

2008-11-14T14:41:00.004-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a hoax, this is not a “What if?” This is not an alternate reality, a flashback, fever dream, hallucination, or a shift in time.

Starting next week, someone very near and dear to all of my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators everywhere, will die.

Honest.

Who will it be?

Stay tuned!

How’s that for a tease?

Baracking the Vote

2008-11-10T13:55:00.003-06:00

Well as everyone can guess, I didn’t actually win the election for president. Barack Obama, as it turns out, ran a really strong candidacy and though I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t get the chance to debate him, I’m still proud of his win.

I think there was a key difference between our campaigns and that’s what really got me. Obama had a very effective television/newspaper/radio/Internet-based campaign while mine was mostly housed within this blog. I think there was a bit of a difference in the spending of campaign finances as well.

That’s OK though. I’ve got a full plate as it is, I really don’t have time to be the leader of the free world. Just look at all the stuff that I have to do.

This week, I’m helping out a friend of mine who needs a deputy while his is out for a short while.

Next month, I’m testing a new warp drive with Commander Hugh.

After that, I am going to be fighting a runaway robot.

Of course, there are always space zombies to fight.

About 6 months from now, I’ll be wrestling a woolly mammoth.

And early next year, I’ll be going on a ride along in a brand new rocket sled with the Space Patrol.

So there you go, I’m just really too busy to be president right now. Sure, it would be fun and all, but I just don’t have the time for it.

Rocking the Vote!

2008-11-04T11:09:00.000-06:00

Good day, I’m Hector Ramirez and welcome back to 20 Questions Live.

Today on Election Day, there is a tight race for President of the United States. A race between several thoroughbreds of politics where the front runner may determine who will be champion and who will be put out to pasture.

And who is the front runner right now?

Here we are, with just over 12 hours left in the day on the East Coast and four hours more than that on the West, clearly Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has taken an early and dramatic lead. Of course at this juncture it would be foolish to call him the victor, but it seems clear to me and the rest of the 20 Questions News Team that Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is clearly America’s choice in this election.

Hold on. I’m getting word now that Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is about to address his fans. Let’s see if we can get it on camera. Ok, here he is now.

Look at that! Just look at that. In this day and age of the Internet and the Interweblogbloggers, Jon goes old school and shows the actual front page of the Chicago Daily Tribune declaring him victorious over his competition. He is literally beating the monkeys, beating all of the monkeys in this presidential race.

Oh my goodness, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator just held up another newspaper declaring that he beat the creepy old doctor that he’s running against. Isn’t it amazing, ladies and gentlemen? The excitement is so thick that you can literally taste it right now! That creepy old doctor is going to think twice about running for president after the sound thrashing he got today.

Wait! Wait! Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator’s not stopping there! He just held up an actual paper declaring that he beat the lizard. That lizard didn’t stand a chance.

The crazy old guy! The crazy old guy! Jon the Intergalactic just beat the crazy old guy. That’s one maverick that just got broken. Broken compliments of Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The guy who was looking for change was just beaten by Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Isn’t it amazing folks? Look at me, I’m getting a little sweaty here! Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is literally laying waste to the competition and he’s proving it by holding up these newspapers, these actual, real-life, un-doctored newspapers that are declaring him the victor. It’s a new day in America, viewers, and the man who calls himself the Man of Action has proven just that.

We’ll be right back with more election coverage. For 20 Questions Live, I’m Hector Ramirez.

Happenin' Halloween Party at Germaine's Pad

2008-10-30T10:06:00.004-05:00

Germaine Gregarious is having a Halloween party and I am so there. Her parties are always so awesome and yes I know technically she’s my opponent in the presidential race, but her parties are so awesome. Did I mention her parties are awesome?

As a side note, contrary to reports on the matter, I did not throw up all over Germaine’s nice carpeting at her last party. I am too much of a gentleman for such nasty behavior. I am also such a gentleman that I apologized politely after that one loud, wet burp during said party. Thank you.

So the first thing that I have to do is get my costume together. The one I had from last year turned out pretty well, but I’m looking for something with a little more oomph in the kick butt department, if you know what I mean. Fortunately for me, I live only about a mile from Chicago’s biggest costume shop with the Midwest’s biggest selection of costumes. Open late to serve you better!

Here’s my costume, I picked it myself. I don’t play the HALO game myself because sometimes it feels too much like real life for me with the fighting aliens and the shooting and running. Who wants to play some computer game that simulates what you do in real life anyway? Despite that, I hear that it’s all the rage with the kids these days and I’m hep to that, cats.

Unfortunately, I think there was some kind of a screw up because this is what I got.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: I Support Jon

2008-10-27T12:03:00.004-05:00

When I look out at who’s running for president of the United States of America in this election, a lot of things come to mind.

The first thing that comes to mind is “Which candidate has the credentials to save us from a Wendigo attack?” I can only think of one person: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The next thing that I think about is “Which candidate is most qualified to protect our country from radioactive meteors or other threats from space?” Intelligent symbiotes and other powerful alien threats have set their sites on our planet and the United States in particular. We need someone who’s ready for this challenge and that somebody is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The third thing that I think about is “Which candidate is most prepared to deal with a time-displaced pirate ship?” I think the answer is obvious to all: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The next thing that I think about when I think of who I should vote for in this election is “Which candidate is ready to negotiate with foreign powers – foreign powers who conventionally have not been negotiated with in the past – foreign powers located deep beneath the sea? Also, which candidate is capable of handling threats like the magically powerful avatar of Cyttorak?” That answer again, is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The final thing that I think about is “Which candidate would I like to totally make out with in a hot Orlando nightclub?” Sure Dr. Zaius is up there with his musky manly (Apey?) chest, but the answer again must be Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Too bad he’s married. Sigh, a girl can dream though, right?

That is why I, Jan the Intergalactic Aviator, am pleased to announce that I fully support Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator for president of the United States. He’s got the good people, believe me. One time I saw him attack a Golan IV space station single handedly and capture the commander after battling through waves of defense droids and station technicians. Sure, later he found out that he attacked the wrong one and was like “Ooops, sorry” but seeing him in action against all those troops from Pacifar IX was a sight to behold.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a man of action, thank you and good night.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.
I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message, er well sort of. Seriously, why'd she have to talk about that whole deal from Pacifar IX?

Issues

2008-10-16T10:48:00.003-05:00

My fellow Americans, there are a lot of important issues being talked about right now. Seems like issues are kind of like the weather – there’s a lot of talking about the issues, but no one’s doing anything about the issues.

(Hold for laughter)

That’s why I am here tonight, to talk about one very important issue facing our country today – the economy. Let me assure you that my economic plan is way better than all the other candidates. Way, way better. Totally better. Is it a million times better, as my daughter would ask? A million is a lot and that’s tough to gauge, but at this juncture I would like to say yes. Yes, it is.

When I talked to Joe the Plumber the other day, he was worried about losing his job and his home because of our current economic troubles. Well I say to you now, Joe the Plumber, yes we can! Yes we can fight for a better America, yes we can fight for a better tomorrow, yes we can do our jobs and come home safe and secure in the fact that our homes are our own.

Thank you.

There’s another issue facing this campaign and it’s one of character. Someone likes to think that he or she and his or her running mate are mavericks and that it’s going to take a maverick to stick it to those lazy fatcats in Washington. But let me tell you right now, they are not the mavericks, I am the maverick.

See?

That’s right, I’m the maverick. I’m so far out of Washington that they don’t even see me coming. I’m that mavericky of a maverick. I am more of a maverick than all the other mavericks and their maverickocity doesn’t even come close to my mavericktude. My maverick is maverick maverick. As Papa Maverick used to say on the Mavericks, one of my favorite cartoons when I was growing up “Maverick for your lives, my little Mavericks.” Maverick maverick maverick.

Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick. Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick, maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick… maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick. Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick; averick maverick (maverick maverick maverick) maverick maverick.

So in conclusion, maverick.

Thank you and goodnight.

2008-10-06T17:48:00.006-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed colleagues, loyal supporters, members of the press. I stand before you today with a very important message to everyone.

In these difficult times, symbols become an important part of defining who we are. For instance, the American flag lapel pin. Many proud citizens of the United States do not wear an American flag lapel pin, but often when one is under the scrutiny of the public eye it becomes clear that people look for these images to portray strong character and a sense of patriotism.

Now I would hardly think that my patriotism would ever come into question. I love my country. I have proudly served in the armed forces and was a key component in the alternate reserve backup backup plan for the ground campaign of Operation Desert Storm. Additionally, I was in the front charge in 1991’s Operation Dessert Storm and was personally responsible for securing several crates of baklava as well as two bunkers containing high levels of tiramisu.

I would hardly think that my patriotism would come into question and yet it has. There are questions being asked right now whether or not I am fit to lead this country because I did not wear a lapel pin to a recent beach party. I would like to assure you all right here and now that the fact that I did or did not wear a lapel pin should not be the one sole factor in judging whether or not I have the competence necessary be the president of the United States. There are many, many other factors that should be used to judge my competence.

Despite that, I find it necessary to wear a lapel pin at this time.

Am I caving to pressure? I am not, I already own this lapel pin and I would wear it anyway. It’s not like I went to some specialty American Flag lapel pin shop located near Kostner and Belmont and asked for one that was slightly larger than the flags worn by my esteemed opposition.

“But Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” you might say. “That American flag lapel pin certainly looks big but I think I’ve seen bigger. A real American would wear a bigger American flag lapel pin.” Well you may be right; you may be wrong. Who’s to say? All I can say is, well I just happen to have a slightly larger lapel pin that I could wear as well.

But then you might say “But Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, I’ve seen some of the people you’re running against and I think one of them have an American flag lapel pin about that size as well.” Well maybe they do and maybe they don’t, but I’ll betcha they don’t have one this size.

But then you might think that maybe, just maybe someone has an American flag lapel pin this size as well. Well let me assure you that I will not be outdone. Like Casey Jones or John Henry or Norton P. Bismarck, I am not going to let one little bump in the road dissolve my resolve. That’s why I have this American flag lapel pin.

Does size matter? In some instances, yes it does.

Thank you and good night.

God Bless My Underpants

2008-09-29T20:27:00.003-05:00

God bless my Underpants
And when I get the chance
In them I dance
And when I take this stance
My package is enhanced
I saw you take a glance
God bless my underpants

“I’m not so sure this sends the message that we want to send,” Professor Xavier looked at me skeptically.

“Are you kidding?” I replied. “We’re going after the underpants vote and I’m going to get them.”

“I just think that it may be a little too personal,” he said. “Asking a candidate if he likes boxers or briefs is one thing but this seems to go a little too far.”

“I know I know,” I held up my hands. “It’s a little risqué, but it’s not like I’m up on a stage shooting bottle rockets out of my butt or something.”

The Professor looked at me.

“Have you shot bottle rockets out of your butt?” he asked after a long pause.

“I’d rather not answer that,” I replied.

“Still, I understand that at this point we need to reach out to different groups and I realize that we’re at a critical juncture in our campaign, but I don’t know. I just don’t think this ad is what we’re looking for right now.”

“Well I like it,” Emma Frost poked her head into the room.

“You would,” Xavier sighed.

Mr. E'S Secret blog post providing important information to you now

2008-09-22T08:55:00.002-05:00

Good day to you all, I am Mr. E. Do not attempt to discern who my real identity is, cuz it will remain a mystery to all (get it, mystery, Mr. E?). I have commandeered this blog using my awesome haxxing skills (it was easier than programming a sentry gun, ha ha lol) to give you some very important information.

This information may come as a shock to you, but it is information that you need to see. These are for real true pictures of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin that are unretouched and un manipulalated.

Sarah Palin has lots of guns and she totally loves posing with her guns in a bikini. Remember that movie Tremors with that hot momma with all the guns in her basement? It's like that but only in Alaska.

Sarah Palin hates mooses. In fact, one time she shot a moose just for snoring too loud.

Sarah Palin was also the original Pink Ranger but then she was kicked out of the Power Rangers for shooting animals in the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center with the laser guns of her Zord.

Like I said these are all for real real life super true pictures that clearly show that Sarah Palin is a total nut. Now normally I like hot chicks with guns like this one time I saw this pretty lady on Arcturous XII and she had this huge gun and I'm all like "Hey baby, I'm Priva-- er, I'm Mr. E, wanna go grab a burger?" And then she was all like "Tee hee hee." It was something, I tell you.

Except when you're crasy and you have guns, that's not good.

I'm Mr. E, thank you and goodnight.

Summer of iDoodles, Part Ten!

2008-09-19T08:46:00.003-05:00

Here we go for another round, it's like a carrousel -- a carrousel of awesome!

Hotstuff the lil Devil wants to see a picture of him laughing at Megneto's helmet.

Iron Boy wants to see him, X23, and Hotstuff all in jazzercise outfits. OK, dude whatever floats your boat, man.

Keep those swell ideas coming, kids!

Summer of iDoodles, Part Nine

2008-09-18T07:59:00.005-05:00

OK, who's next? Bring it on, Khan!

Update! MWB wants to see Bush and McCain out on dates together. Now of course, these man-dates are strictly platonic because both Bush and McCain are married and we know that all good Republicans who are married do not engage in homosexual activities.
Here they are running on the beach together.

Here's the ice cream soda that they're about to share.

Here they are showing off the sweet new tats that they just went and got together.

And here's the baby seal that they are about to club together because it got all caught up in their oil spill. Bad baby seal! Stay out of George Bush's blood oil!

Summer of iDoodles, Part Nine

2008-09-17T07:54:00.004-05:00

All right kids, who's looking for an iDoodle? I got one for yah, right here.

Update! Dr. Zaius wants to see Freida Bee kicking Sarah Palin's butt. Which is as great a time as any to let you know that Jan the Intergalactic Aviator just met vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin over at The Amazing Mutant Race 4. Go check it out, OK.

OK, I'm not exactly sure if Frieda Bee would actually wear combat boots and fishnets, but I think it's hot. I mean, that's what I'd wear if I wanted to look hot kicking someone's butt like that.

Professor X wanted to see Jan the Intergalactic Aviator's ship the Pegasus Elite blow up Gambit while he's fighting a Wendigo. Coincidentally, you can also read about that in the Amazing Mutant Race 4!

Summer of iDoodles, Part Seven

2008-09-16T08:05:00.003-05:00

Ok, who wants an iDoodle? Come one, come all. Step right up folks, one size fits all satisfaction guaranteed all sales are final.

Update! Vince wants to see Gyrobo battling a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot.

Summer of iDoodles, PART SIX!

2008-09-15T08:16:00.004-05:00

OK, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. I'm doing another week of iDoodles just for you. Send in your suggestions right now!

On Friday's post, Captain Picard asked how the high gas prices would affect the Enterprise. Well here you go.

Surf's Up, Dudes!

2008-09-12T13:45:00.006-05:00

If there are two things in this world that I like, it’s a beach party and bacon. If you could somehow get the two together, well then I’d be in heaven.

That’s why when I heard that Dr. Zaius and Dr. Smith were having a beach party, I knew that I had to be there. Sure I got a little sidetracked along the way, but shortly thereafter I had my plate of bacon and I was on the beach.

Of course I got into my swimsuit; it’s this modest little number that I like to wear. I almost put it on backwards though, boy would I have been embarrassed!

Funny thing though is, I don’t see anyone here? Where is everybody? You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!

Ha ha, just kidding everyone. It was a swell party and I even got the chance to surf a little.

Hang ten dudes! And I know what you’re thinking, can I really hang ten? Of course I can, I have all of my toes. Six on one foot, four on the other.

Oh oh, is there some kind of horrible, radioactive monster from the bottom depths of the ocean going to ruin the party?

Naw, don’t worry about it. Nothing to see here.

OK, special announcement Junior Intergalactic Gladiators. It’s the end of summer and to cap it off I’m going to do one more week of awesome Froodleicious iDoodles. Get your thinking caps on and come up with a good idea for me to draw next week.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part X

2008-09-10T17:48:00.004-05:00

I looked at the stream of hipster zombies shuffling in through the doors to the mall. I looked back down the hall where more of the undead lurched towards us as well. I needed a plan.

“OK, here’s what we do,” I said. “Jim, you’re the biggest one here among us. We need to get you something that you can plow through them with, I’ll be right behind you with my gun. The doctor here and Kyle will follow behind.”

“Uh uh.” He shook his head. “Nothin’ doing.”

“We’ll find you a pole or part of a bench or something,” I explained. “Just barrel through ‘em and I’ll shoot any who get to close.”

“I said I’m not doing it,” he insisted. “I’m a running back, I don’t lead block.”

“Lives are on the line, man,” Kyle moaned. “C’mon, we gotta get out of here.”

“I’m telling you, I don’t lead block,” he repeated, carefully emphasizing the last three words.”

“You have any better ideas?” Dr. Porter asked.

“I’m telling you, I don’t lead block, man. You ever play football? You’d know.”

“Well, I was third string wide receiver on a wishbone offense in high school,” I said. “I would have been a great receiver if only I could run and catch.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” he growled.

“Jim, please,” Dr. Porter looked into his eyes. “You know we’ve got to get out of here. If you can think of any better way I’m all for it, but we have to get moving.”

The former college all star looked back at her and sighed. “All right, I’ll do it. What should I use?”

We all looked around for something he might use for a battering ram.

“Uh, there’s that bench over there,” pointed Kyle. Then he added “Uh… surrounded by all the zombies.”

“Or… uh… let’s see…” I couldn’t find anything else either.

“Some plan,” Jim growled.

“Well, it’s a good plan in theory,” I replied.

“Yeah, in theory,” Dr. Porter repeated.

We saw as the sarcastically mumbling undead scenesters made their way towards us. Slowly, they shuffled. Inch by inch, they drew nearer.

“Well? Any other plans?” Jim asked.

“We’re going to have to fight our way through,” I said grimly. “I don’t think my blaster has enough charge left for much longer.”

“Well, it’s been good knowing you.” Jim cracked his knuckled. His whole body tensed as he readied himself to spring into action. Like a panther, ready to pounce on its prey, his eyes glared with steely resolve.

“Yeah, it’s been nice,” Dr. Porter smiled weakly.

Suddenly, the glass doors exploded as Jim’s car came crashing through. With Eve behind the wheel, the car rammed through or drove over any of the undead unlucky enough to be in the way. And just to add insult to injury she did a donut, smoking the tires and spinning the car around the mall floor before skidding to a stop with zombies scattered in every direction.

Eve rolled down the window and leaned out. “Get in!” She hollered with unusual determination.

“You don’t have to tell us twice,” Kyle answered as we dashed for the car. He and the doctor piled into the back.

“Move over,” Jim said as he opened the driver’s side door.

“I’m driving!” Eve growled back at him.

“Well OK then,” Jim shrugged and made his way around the front of the car to get into the passenger’s seat.

Eve stomped on the gas pedal and the tires squealed again. She spun around in circles sending anything left coming towards us flying through the air before heading back through the shattered glass doors again.

“Wahooo!” Kyle hollered and the car shot towards the access road.

Hours later, Eve was still driving and heading towards the sunrise. Dr Porter, Kyle, and Jim were dozing in their seats and I shifted uncomfortably. Eve clicked on the radio and we heard a reporter deliver a stern report:

“Authorities are unable to determine the cause of the mysterious outbreak that hit Happy Valley and though the military and FEMA have been mobilized, they assure us that it has been contained within the confines of the city. No survivors have been found but authorities are still combing the area.”

“Heh, ‘mysterious outbreak,’” Eve repeated, her voice dripping disdain. “That wasn’t exactly a bad case of the flu we faced back there.”

“Some people aren’t prepared to hear about what happened in Happy Valley,” I replied. “I don’t excuse anyone for covering this up but there’s a lot of people who just aren’t ready to hear some of what’s going on out there.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “The existence of extraterrestrial life.”

“Extraterrestrial life?” she laughed. “Shyeah right. I’ll believe that when I see it.”

The end

…?

NIght of the Living Hipsters, Part IX

2008-09-04T15:32:00.004-05:00

Jim Daniels was sprawled on the floor of the Happy Valley Mall with his hands on the control panel to the escalator. The undead hipster formerly known as Officer Reed loomed over him. I was 30 feet away with my hands on the extension cord, itching to plug in our impromptu trap.

Tense moments ticked by as the creature awkwardly stared down at Daniels.

Daniels stared back up at the creature.

The thing jerkily reached towards the former running back.

A bead of sweat reflected off Jim’s dark forehead.

Tense moments ticked by.

“Now!” Jim yelled and he rolled away from the metal staircase. I quickly complied and plugged in the cord. Sparks crackled and popped from the metal stairs as the creatures on them flailed about. Acrid smoke and the smell of death filled the air.

“Wow,” Kyle mumbled in stunned amazement. “That was—”

“Disgusting,” Dr. Porter finished.

“Better them than me,” Daniels said as he limped back to the group.

“You going to be OK on that thing?” I asked him.

“I’m not going to win any 100 yard dashes, but I’ll make it,” he grunted back.

I dialed up Eve on my Wristcomm. “Meet us by the loading dock, we’re heading out the back door.”

“Uh, OK,” she replied and I disconnected the call.

We dashed to the door and threw it open. Unfortunately, we were now face to face with a throng of the undead hipsters. I shot the first one in the face as we turned and ran back where we came from with me firing back at them. At the end of the hall, another scenester zombie stepped in front of us and I flipped the pistol from my left hand to my right and shot it in the head as well.

We made our way back to the main floor. Smoking hipster corpses clogged the escalator but more drudged around the floor. Some were drinking coffee in an undead mockery of life. Others dully grabbed for cinnamon buns in a display case, only to be stopped by the glass. Those who saw us stumbled towards us.

“I think we’re trapped,” Kyle said dejectedly.

“Sucks to be us,” muttered Daniels.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part VIII

2008-08-29T15:39:00.006-05:00

The undead hipsters were shuffling jerkily into the mall. Dead eyed, with blank, disenfranchised looks on their faces they scanned the area looking for their prey.

“Hey! Over here!” I yelled from the top of the escalator. “Hemp shoulder bags and hoodies for everyone up here!”

“Get him…” one mumbled.

“Get him…” another mumbled.

“Oh yeah, he’s cool,” a third mumbled sarcastically.

The moaning group shambled en masse towards the revolving staircase as I dashed back to the group huddled by the power outlet.

“Wait for them… wait for them…” Jim Daniels murmured. Dr. Porter nervously bit her lip.

“Now!” Kyle yelled as the undead neared the top. I quickly plugged the extension cord running from the escalator control panel into the wall socket.

Nothing happened.

I tried it again, but still nothing happened.

“It’s loose, over there.” Dr. Porter pointed to the wiring at the panel.

I cursed under my breath as I stood up to run over to it. Jim stopped me.

“I’m going,” he announced.

“But your leg…” I said.

“With a bum knee I’m still faster than you. Don’t plug it in until I’m clear.”

Before I could say anything else, he made a mad dash for the metal panel. His knee buckled halfway but that didn’t stop him from diving for his target. Jim began to fumble with the wiring and was almost done when he looked up to see who was at the top of the escalator.

The hipster formerly known as Officer Reed was bearing down on him.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part VII

2008-08-25T11:55:00.004-05:00

“Do you think Reed will come back here?” Dr. Porter asked with a shiver. “He’s around here somewhere.”

Dr. Porter, Kyle, and I were gathering up the food for our journey out of the city. Dawn was nearly upon us and the undead hipsters were loitering around outside the mall, gazing inside with sullen, dead eyes and smoking cigarettes by the curb of the parking lot.

“I don’t know,” I shook my head. “He – or it – hasn’t shown up since he transformed into that creature. I just don’t understand what’s driving their minds. Clearly, they’re trying to infect others to be like them but he’s not relentlessly attacking us like you think he would. Why do they behave like this?”

“I don’t know.” I saw a hint of a tear well up in her eye. “He was a good man, he didn’t deserve a fate like that. Whatever he was is gone now.”

“You guys forgot one thing,” Kyle piped up. “Even if we don’t see him in here, how are we going to get out with all of them outside like that?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you out, suckers,” a voice called out. I quickly reached for my pistol, but when I saw who it was, I relaxed.

“Daniels, what are you doing here?” I asked.

“I snuck in the back way.” He jammed his thumb towards a door marked employees only.

“Yeah but won’t those things come through that door as well?” Dr. Porter asked.

“Naw, I rolled a dumpster in front of ‘em,” he laughed. “They won’t get through that.”

“What about Eve?” I asked.

“Eve’s in the car in the tire shop waiting for us,” he replied. “The car’s ready to go.”

“You shouldn’t have left her alone in there,” Dr. Porter said.

“Don’t worry,” he laughed. “Those things are staying far away from that place.”

“She still shouldn’t be alone,” Dr. Porter insisted. “Poor girl.”

“I think I have an idea,” I said. “It’s risky, but it may be our only chance.”

Jim followed me down the escalator and I pointed out the undead congregating outside.

“It’s like they’re waiting or something,” he said.

“Yeah, I don’t know what for,” I shrugged. “But this is my idea. We can’t outfight them, they’re too many, but we can draw them back up this escalator here and electrocute them while they’re on it.”

“Think we can do it?” he asked.

“I think so, if I can get an extension cord or some cable, I can wire the whole thing,” I replied. “We can run the cord to one of these outlets.”

The four of us quickly went to work and rigged the metal stairway. Our work was soon done and we sat down for a quick break.

“I’ve been here a long time,” Daniels blew out his breath. “I grew up here in the city, you know. It was rough, it was a ghetto. I got that football scholarship and I ran away. I kept on running for four years, too. I was the best running back in college and I sure as hell was ready to do the same in the pros. I was gonna be big. My first big game and someone tackles me low… takes out my knee.”

Daniels let out a short laugh.

“That was it. Three surgeries later and I still can barely run on it. Nothing much else to do, so I moved back home and opened up that youth center. Lot of kids needed help, but then the neighborhood started to change. First all those artists and the musicians came in, then the developers. The area was gentrified and the people who needed my help the most got pushed further away. Maybe what’s going on out there is the city pushing back.”

Dr. Porter let out a short laugh as well. “Maybe you’re right. I opened that clinic to help people and the people who needed the help the most soon couldn’t afford to live here. Think about all those people who lost their homes when this mall was built.”

“Happy Valley, indeed,” I snorted.

“I was all in favor of this mall when it was being built,” Kyle stated flatly. “Big new shopping center, get rid of the lower income housing, bring money back to the area. I thought we needed it. I guess those politicians and land developers weren’t thinking of the little people when they were thinking of the big bucks. Makes you think, doesn’t it.”

Jim looked at Dr. Porter. “Our date may have been ruined last night, but I promise you that as soon as we get out of here, I’m taking you out for the night of your life.”

“You got it,” she smiled back at him. “Only no horror movies, I can’t stand watching them.”

We all started to laugh until we heard glass crashing.

“What was that?” Kyle asked.

“What do you think?” Jim answered.

“Here they come!” I yelled. One of the undead hipsters threw a garbage can through the glass doors and the whole group was awkwardly shuffling into the mall.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part VI

2008-08-18T16:01:00.006-05:00

“Wait a minute,” I said. “You just got a call from Jim.”

“Yeah, we have each other’s numbers on our phones,” Dr. Porter answered.

“So he’s on your phone there?” I asked.

“Uh yeah, he’s in my favorite five,” she added a little sheepishly.

“Did everyone in the youth center trade phone numbers?” I asked.

“Yeah, you know so we can keep in touch just in case…” he voice trailed off as she started to put together my next question.

“Do you have Reed’s?” I asked. “If you do, maybe I can track it.”

She nodded and showed me his number; I quickly programmed it into my Wristcomm. Luckily, the phone was still on and the screen pointed in its general direction.

With Dr. Porter right behind me, I followed the signal down a darkened side hallway to a corner. I motioned for her to step back, she did so and I dialed up his number. His phone rang from around the corner and I quickly jumped with my pistol drawn. The only thing that met me was the phone on the ground.

“Well, it was a nice idea,” Dr. Porter said, trying to be encouraging.

“What kind of a hipster would be caught dead without a cell phone?” I thought out loud. “Or caught undead, for that matter.”

“Guess he didn’t need it,” Porter shrugged.

Something didn’t feel right, something back down the hall we came from. I held my finger to my lips and the doctor nodded. I quickly threw myself around the corner again with my gun pointed out. This time I found myself staring face to face with someone who I couldn’t recognize.

“Oh my God, don’t kill me,” he quickly dropped to his knees and folded his hands together.

“Aren’t you one of them?” I asked.

“No I’m not, I swear!” he pleaded.

“What about the greasy hair and the neck beard?” I asked. “What’s up with that?”

“I’ve been stuck in here a week,” he said. He pointed to his neck beard. “Honest, this isn’t a hip, ironic beard, this is a slobby I’ve been trapped in a mall beard.”

“Is that so, huh? OK, what’s your name?”

“Kyle,” he answered without an ounce of hipness.

“Kyle, who won the Super Bowl last year?” I asked.

“Th-the New York Giants,” he answered very un-ironically.

“What’s your favorite coffee drink?” I grilled him.

“Just coffee,” he answered also very un-ironically.

“What do you think of my outfit?” Dr. Porter asked.

“Uh, it’s nice, I guess,” he answered with a slightly confused look on his face. “I mean, you look all right. I dunno.”

“He sounds OK to me,” she said.

“Yeah, me too,” I nodded. “Trying to find Reed turned out to be a wild goose chase. Let’s just figured out a way to get out of here, but keep your eyes out for any of them.”

“You mean they’re in here?” Kyle gulped as we walked back towards the food court

“Yeah but just one,” I said. Then I saw the throng of undead hipsters shuffling around outside. “So far.”

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part V

2008-08-11T16:34:00.005-05:00

“Hey look a spork,” Dr. Porter held up the plastic utensil with a chuckle. “You have to love those things, huh?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Officer Reed shrugged noncommittally. “I’m getting real hungry. Here’s some mashed potatoes.”

The pair had made their way to the food court and were looking for anything that they could carry. Reed was eyeballing the food at a fried chicken stand while Porter was rummaging through a taco hut next door.

“Are you going to eat those?” she asked as she held up more flatware. “You want a spoon?”

“Heh, Spoon was cool ‘til they got on SNL,” Reed griped tiredly. “Now they’re just a bunch of sellouts.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” Porter smiled, trying to be friendly. “Hey, you want one of these Beano Burritos? They’re website says their 100% fresh guaranteed.”

“Their website sucks,” the policeman replied as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets and shuffled over towards the doctor. “I know some dudes over at the Coffee Barn who could make a way better site that that crap hole.”

“OK, that’s nice. You want anything here? Otherwise, I’m going to throw it in a plastic bag to take along.”

“I am really hungry,” he mumbled as he shuffled towards her. “I don’t think I want any of that stuff though.”

“Well our choices are limited,” she cocked her head towards him as she stuffed the plastic bag. “So what do you want?”

“Brains!” Reed made a surprisingly fast grab for her and held her tight. Bizarre tattoos twisted around his arms and his face looked surprisingly different than what it did just a short while ago, like some sort of twisted mockery of a human face.

Dr. Porter screamed uncharacteristically and tried to squirm away. Officer Reed held her tight in a supernaturally strong grip though, keeping her from pulling free.

“Bu---w—why?” she managed to whimper.

“Life sucks then you die,” he mumbled disinterestedly. “Think I’ll just help you along.”

“Hold it Reed!” I yelled. “Let her go.”

I was twenty feet away and I had my pistol aimed at his head. I slowly stepped to the side to try to get a better shot at him, but whatever was left of Officer Reed realized this and he turned himself to keep Dr. Porter in the line of fire.

“So hungry…” he mumbled.

“Please let me go…” Porter nearly burst into tears.

“So hungry…” Reed repeated. “Just one bite.”

“Drop her or I’ll drop you.” I twisted my head to the side and looked through the sites of Betsy sideways. You know, to look cool.

The doctor drove her elbow into his stomach and pulled herself free. As she slipped to the side I fired at the former police officer turned hipster zombie. I missed a kill shot though and he spun her in front of me and disappeared into the darkness.

“Where’d he go?” I asked.

“How could you let him go?” Porter replied.

“Hey, I’m not Annie Oakley over here,” I said indignantly. “I couldn’t risk hitting you.”

“Well I can’t tell where he is,” she said as she squinted into the shadows. “He was fast.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “If these things are that fast, then we have something else to worry about now. They didn’t seem that fast earlier.”

The ringtone from a cell phone broke through the darkness. Porter quickly pulled her phone out of a pocket and put it up to her ear.

“Hello? OK. I’m here with Jon… Reed’s one of them now. They are? How could they….? OK. Damn.” She put the phone down and looked at me. “That was Jim, he’s just about done with his car but he says that a large group of the undead hipsters are gathering at the doors to the mall.”

“Here? Why?”

“I don’t know,” she shook her head. “It’s almost like they’re being pulled here. Like some sort of primitive function, Instinct or memory. Somehow something here was important to their lives.”

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part IV

2008-08-05T18:15:00.006-05:00

The car rolled up to the hidden access road as the passengers sat in uncomfortable silence, their nervousness hung in the air like a warm fog.

“There’s the road,” Jim Daniels grunted. “We clear out that brush and we’ll be on our way.”

“Except for the flat tire,” Eve added. “We’ll never get through that with a flat.”

“Don’t you have a spare?” I asked.

“Man, this is my spare,” Jim answered.

Officer Reed mumbled something from where he was hunched over.

“What did you say?” asked Dr. Porter.

“Nothin,’” he answered. “Just… I’m not feelin’ so hot.”

“You do look pale,” she said as she looked him over. “The scratch still bothering you?”

“Must be,” he mumbled as he lightly rubbed the bandage on his neck. “It’s been quite a day, you know.”

“That tattoo,” Dr. Porter looked at his arm. “I never noticed this before. Is that some sort of tribal tattoo?”

“What this?” Reed looked at the exposed marking on his bicep and chuckled weakly. “Yeah, that’s just a reminder from the ole Army days. Get a few beers in you on payday and stuff happens, you know.”

“I hear that,” I replied while thinking back to my Army days. “Heh heh, I remember one time… uh… nevermind.”

“So what are we going to do?” Eve seemed to grow more desperate as time ground on.

“There’s an auto center at that department store.” I pointed back to the darkened mall. “Let’s go there, replace the tire, and get back on the road.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Jim backed his car up, turned around and headed towards the service center. The doors were locked but Jim kicked in the glass of one and we were soon inside with the car up on a lift.

“It’s only 9:30,” I said while looking at a clock. “I can’t believe this place is closed.”

“Yeah well this place is pretty much abandoned,” Jim replied.

“Anyone who wasn’t turned into… one of them,” Dr. Porter tossed her head towards the general direction of the city. “Is long gone. Everything in the city is abandoned.”

“It gives me the creeps.” Eve hugged herself and shuddered. “I wish I was out of here, too.”

“Yeah, well we’ll be out of here in a minute,” Jim said as he worked the lug nuts off his tire.

“Anybody hungry?” Reed asked. “I’m starving. Maybe we can get some food over at the mall.”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” I shook my head.

“I am getting hungry,” Dr. Porter admitted. “Maybe we could stock up on something to take on the trip. It’s going to be a bit of a ride through the mountain.”

“Why don’t you and I go check it out?” Officer Reed pointed his thumb towards the main mall building. “We’ll be back in 10 minutes.”

Before I could protest any further, the two were out the door and heading towards Happy Valley Mall.

“I don’t like this,” Jim grumbled.

“Me either,” I concurred. “You two stay here. Find something to block that door and keep an eye on it. I’ll be right back.”

Before they could protest, I headed out the door and quietly worked my way quietly into the mall.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part III

2008-07-30T16:18:00.004-05:00

After our altercation with the undead hipsters, I climbed into the passenger seat of Jim Daniels’ car. Officer Reed, Dr. Porter, and Eve were in the back seat. Jim had a tight grip on the steering wheel as the car hurled through the city streets.

“Where are you going?” Eve asked from the back seat.

“The only way I can go,” replied Jim. “The only road out of the city.

“There’s only one road out of this city?” I asked. “Who planned that?”

“Don’t ask,” Officer Reed said through his teeth.

“Well what if those things figure that out?” I asked. “We have to be ready for a trap.”

“I told you I was able to study these things,” Dr. Porter said. “The only brain functions they have left are rudimentary at best. They’re only able to recall basic memories from their past like their favorite flannel shirt or pointless pop culture trivia. I can’t imagine they’d have the capacity to set any sort of trap.”

The car screeched to a halt as Jim jammed the brakes. “Can’t set traps, huh?” he nodded towards the fallen tree in the middle of the road.

“Of course, I’ve been wrong before,” Dr. Porter mumbled.

“It’s just a tree that fell,” Eve said. “They couldn’t have done it, could they?”

“Maybe we can move it,” Officer Reed suggested.

“Well let’s see,” I said as I stepped out of the car. Officer Reed followed me out and we surveyed the tree.

“It does look like it was pushed over,” Reed said. “I don’t see anyone else around here though. Certainly not those things.”

“Yeah, this doesn’t quite make sense,” I agreed.

From out of nowhere, long, tattooed arms grabbed Reed and hauled him into the darkness. He shouted in surprise as I cursed under my breath and gave chase.

The policeman was pulled down into a small ditch where eight or so of the undead creatures stood around, mostly with their hands dug deep into their pockets. If I didn’t know how dangerous they were, I’d think that they were just standing around slacking. I quickly pulled out Betsy and Winona and fired at the head of the one holding Reed.

The creature released its prey as its head exploded. Reed quickly recovered from his initial shock and sprung into action, firing at more of the scenesters with his own firearm.

“What do you have there, man?” one of the hipsters asked. “I heard that 10mm is the new 9mm.”

Reed responded by shooting it in the head. A bloodied trucker’s cap fell to the ground and the policeman hauled himself up the hillside to where I was standing.

“That was pretty cool,” another said as he lunged towards us. “Wait ‘til I tell the guys in my band about this. We’re kind of like Death Cab before Death Cab sold out.”

Reed and I responded with a hail of gunfire to the hipster’s head.

We clamored back up the hill to see the rest of the gang standing at the edge of the road waiting for us.

“What happened?” Eve asked.

“Don’t ask,” I shook my head. “There’s more blood down there than a Rob Zombie movie.”

“Heh, I liked Rob Zombie before Rob Zombie was cool,” Reed laughed.

“Let me look at you.” Dr. Porter ran up to the policeman. “You’re bleeding.”

“It’s just a scratch,” Reed answered. “Must’ve happened when that thing grabbed me.”

“We still need a way out of here,” I said. “There’s no way we can move this tree and I think we need to get out of here before more of those things show up.”

“There may be a way,” Officer Reed said. “I know that the construction vehicles circumvented the main road when Happy Valley Mall was built. I’m sure those access roads are still there.”

“That’s right,” Jim punched his fist. “We can get on those access roads and take them to the next town.”

“Yeah, but how many of those things will know about those roads?” I asked.

“I think we’ll be OK,” Reed said. “People generally don’t go to that area to begin with. It’s out of the way and blocked off.”

“Well then, let’s try it,” I shrugged.

“But first, I’m checking out that scratch on your neck,” Dr. Porter told the policeman.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part II

2008-07-28T06:26:00.001-05:00

“I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, presidential candidate. I’m here to rescue you.” I reached my hand towards the quartet. “Come with me if you want to live.”

“Wait, what did you just say?” asked Officer Reed.

“I said I’m here to rescue you,” I said.

“No no, that last part, what was that?” the policeman pressed.

“Uh, you mean come with me if you want to live?” I asked.

“Yeah, where’d you get that from?” Reed questioned me.

“That sounds like from a movie or something,” Dr. Porter added.

“Yeah, I’m sure I heard that from a movie as well,” Eve nodded.

“Well sure it might be from a movie or something,” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just saying that I’m here and I’m going to get you out of the city.”

“Just her?” Jim Daniels threw his thumb towards Eve. “How come you’re just saving the pretty lady?”

“No, I’m here to rescue all of you,” I insisted.

“Well you looked right at her when you said you,” he groused.

“Well I mean you plural,” I replied. “I’m not going to say ‘y’all’ or something. I guess I could have said youse guys, but I stand on the fact that I’m here to rescue all four of you. There’s just four of you, right? Is there anyone else still in there?”

“No, it’s just us four,” Dr. Porter replied.

“OK, good,” I nodded. “Let’s get going then.”

“So you said you were an intergalactic gladiator, does that mean you have a rocket ship or something?” Officer Reed asked.

“Well I do, but I don’t have it here right now,” I answered.

“What kind of an intergalactic gladiator doesn’t have his own rocket ship?” the policeman laughed condescendingly.

“I said that I do have one only it’s just not here,” I replied. “The Danger Sled’s getting her three thousand light year tune up.”

“Getting a what?” Eve asked.

“A three thousand light year tune up,” I repeated. “You wouldn’t believe the wear and tear that ship gets.”

“Well how are we going to get out of here?” Dr. Porter asked.

“My car’s right over there,” Jim pointed. “Let’s make a break for it.”

“What, that old thing?” Dr. Porter grimaced at the vehicle sitting in the lot across the street.

“Hey, that’s some classic muscle right there,” Jim answered with a touch of pride. “You want to make a break for it in a Prius or something?”

“No, that’s fine, I guess,” Porter replied.

“We better move it, double time,” Officer Reed exhaled.

The five of us started running towards the car; I took up the read to guard our movement. Halfway across the street, Jim lurched awkwardly and clutched his knee. He continued to run to the car though he clearly was in pain. Grimacing and cursing under his breath, he reached into his pocket for his keys.

“Where are the keys?” Eve cried desperately.

“I got ‘em,” Jim growled.

“You didn’t have them ready?” Dr. Porter threw her hands up.

“I got ‘em,” Jim repeated as he rifled through his pocket.

“Latte…” a voice mumbled from someplace near. “…Need latte…”

“…Arctic Monkeys…” another mumbled.

“They’re here!” Officer Reed shouted.

Out of the darkness, more of the undead hipsters emerged.

“Everyone, in the car!” I yelled as I leapt onto the hood.

“Oh wow, that’s cool,” a shambling hipster mumbled sarcastically. “I wish I could jump on a car like that.”

“Yeah, I’m going to post a message about it on the avclub board,” another mumbled. “Lame-o dillweed pwnes car hood.”

“Hey the Dukes of Hazzard called, they want their lame bit back,” a third said.

“You’re referencing the Dukes of Hazzard? Weak.” The first said as he shambled towards us.

“What-ever,” the third replied.

“Stay back!” I warned. I fired a shot from Betsy over their heads.

“A laser gun?” the second one looked blankly. “That was kind of cool.”

“Shut up,” said the first.

“Well it was,” the second responded.

“Don’t make me do this,” I warned as more hipsters trudged out of the darknes. “I don’t want to kill you.”

“They’re not alive anymore!” Dr. Porter shouted while leaning out the window of the car.

“They’re not?” I called back.

“I’m sure of it,” she replied. “I looked at the test results at the clinic!”

After a moment’s consideration, I fired at the lead hipster. He clutched where I shot him and howled, but he didn’t go down.

“You’re gonna have to aim for the head!” Jim Daniels shouted from the driver’s seat.

I took aim and shot the same scenester in the head. The creature clasped the wound with its rakish claws then fell flat to the ground.

“Punch it!” I yelled.

“You don’t have to tell me twice!” Jim jammed the car into reverse. I almost tumbled off, but I clasped onto the window frame for dear life. The car spun around, batting the undead to the left and right, then Jim punched it into drive and peeled off down the street.

2008-07-24T06:45:00.002-05:00

“They’re still out there,” Eve said with a shudder.

“Yeah,” Jim Daniels replied with a grunt. “I don’t imagine they’re going anywhere.”

“It’s like the whole city is affected,” Eve added solemnly.

“All my years on the force,” Officer Reed shook his head. “I’ve never seen anything like this. The way they’re shambling out there… stumbling back and forth. It’s like they’re not there you know. It’s like they’re not alive anymore.”

“I don’t think they are,” Dr. Porter added. “They were alive once, but not now. It’s like some sort of sick, twisted mockery of life.”

“Chris is out there,” Eve murmured, unable to understand what was out in the streets.

“The man you knew as Chris is gone,” Jim replied as he put his arm around the young woman to console her. She buried her face in his immense shoulder.

“I don’t know how it happened,” she sobbed. “We’ve known each other for so long. We were talking about getting married… But then I saw him with his skin all pale, and those marks all up and down his arms. He was mumbling and his hair and... and I couldn’t tell what was wrong until it was too late.”

“It may be too late for all of us,” Officer Reed groused.

“Yo man, the ladies here do not need to hear that kind of an attitude,” Jim growled back loudly. “We’ll get out of here somehow.”

“Oh are you going to get us out?” Reed replied. “You’re a long way away from your glory days in college. How’s that knee holding up?”

“It works, that’s all that matters. This is my place. There’s a door in the back, maybe we can get to my car.”

“Then what?” Reed asked. “Where will we go? I don’t even think we’d get ten feet out the door before those undead… things get their hands all over us.”

“Well we’ve got to do something,” Dr. Porter stepped between the two men. “We’ve got to get out, warn anybody out there.”

“What if we’re the only ones left?” Eve’s voice cracked.

“Then it’s going to be a long night,” Jim replied.

“Or a short one,” Reed laughed.

Suddenly something plastered itself on the front window of the youth center. It had greasy, unruly hair shooting out from under a trucker cap. It was pale and the tattooed arms twisted in odd angles. The gray hoodie was tattered and the tight jeans had holes in the knees.

“Brains….” it mumbled. “Or… coffee…”

Eve screamed at the sight just before Jim could pull her away. More of the creatures shuffled towards the window, clad in secondhand clothes, Chuck Taylors, Bohemian dresses, black T-shirts, pork pie hats. Some of the creatures had colored hair but all of them had hair that was greasy and disheveled. Almost as if their last human thought was to make it look like they didn’t put any thought into it at all.

“Coffee… good,” mumbled another.

“Or PBR…” another mumbled.

“Coffee… Coffee shop.”

The creatures all made some silent agreement and the mass shambled off towards the corner coffee shop.

“Now’s our chance,” Jim growled. “Through the back door.”

As they rushed to the door, it flung open. A silhouette stood in the doorway. For the briefest moment, the survivors thought it was all over, but then they soon realized that whoever this was, he must not have been affected. He wore something more like a futuristic outfit, like an odd fusion of spaceman and cowboy. Slung low on each hip was some sort of pistol – some kind of weapon that was not of this Earth.

“I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, presidential candidate,” I said as I reached my hand into the room. “I’m here to rescue you.”

Hudson: My Candidate of Choice

2008-07-21T14:29:00.004-05:00

When I look at all the candidates running for President of these the United States, weather they are Republican, Democrat, Green , or Simian, I know that I have to make an intelegent choice for who will lead this our country in the next 4 or 8 years of the future.

If there’s one thing that Private Hudson is known for, it’s making intelegent choices. That’s why I’m working through the candidates one by one to determine who is the best choice is.

Green Party – Ha ha ha. No seriously. I like green, it’s great for camouflage, but otherwise whooptee-freakin’ do, I’m impressed. Oh by the way that was sarcasm. Their presidential candidate punches cops and the vice president candidate is a poet or something. Now you know the H-Man (that’s me) loves poetry, let me tell you about this one I know about a guy from Nantucket sometime, but is she going to bust out some dope rhymes the next time she gets in a strategy session with congress or something?

Barrack Obama – I don’t like this guy. He’s never served in the military so how’s he going to know how to command them? Plus he’s doing all that terrorist-like chest thumping with his wife. What’s that all about, man? I’m keeping my eye on that guy.

Dr. Zaius – Well he’s smart, so I guess he’s got that going for him. But do you really want a monkey as president? No way, man. No way. Game over. ‘Cuz you know those moneys are crazy. You think you took care of one of ‘em and then there’s another and then another and then pretty soon they’re comgin out of the walls, they’re coming out of the gorram walls and you’re like get out of here you stupid moneys or I’ll squash you like a stupid bug. I hate bugs.

John McCain – At first glance, this would seem like the choice to go with. He was in the military and he’s considered a bit of a “maverick” in his own party so you think he wants to think on his own. Oh wait, a pilot that’s a maverick, huh? Where’s did I hear that one before? Oh yeah, a maverick pilot is a bigger stereotype than a dumb marine, and you know that’s not true. I’m smarter than the average bear. McCain’s got really short arms, too. Maybe that’s why he crashed all those planes, he can’t reach the buttons.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator – I’m with Jon all the way, and I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “But Private Hudson, you and Jon are best buds and stuff. Of course you’re pulling for him. He went to Hell to rescue you that one time and you and he saved Queen Galacta from the Zerg that one time, too.” Yeah well too bad for you, pal. Jon’s got what it takes to lead this country ‘cuz he’s a man of action and he kicks butt and chews gumm all the time except I never seen him chew gum I don’t think.

That’s why in this crazy universe when you want someone to be president of the Unitred States of America on planet Earth, I’m choosing Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. He’s got what it takes to lead the country right, man. Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen, he’s the man for the job.

Yeah , sure he may seem like he’s got an overinflated sense of self importance like he may say that he’s some sort of juncture of realities or something, but that’s OK ‘cuz George Bush Sr. thought he beat Communism all by himself.

And yeah, maybe sometimes you’re all like “Hey Jon, I just got a new M41A pulse rifle with standard 30mm grenade launcher you wanna go down to the range and shoot some stuff?” and he says “Sorry Private Hudson, but I’m saving the universe again,” and then you say “But it looks like you’re just playing Madden2008 on your computer,” and then he says “Yeah, and I have to beat the hated Green Bay Packers by 70 points or all reality will totally die.” And you don’t really believe it, but then you shrug and you’re like “Well OK.” And you know something isn’t right like with what he said but you’re like whatever.

And maybe he’s not the smartest bomb on the rack because there’s that one time he left me tied up in a closet for like three days while he flew off to Pennsylvania with a guy that had a mask on to look like me, but he’s pretty smart like the one time he figured out how to shoot that one giant robot in the ear. Who else woulda thought of that? No one else, that’s who.

So that’s why I fully endorse Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator for president of the United States of the America.

Game over.

Meet Dave

2008-07-18T14:14:00.005-05:00

Dave: So I said “I didn’t even know it was guacamole.”

(laughter, rimshot)

Dave: Hear that Paul? I said “I didn’t even know it was guacamole.”

Paul: Got it Dave.

Dave: Funny stuff, that guacamole is.

Paul: Right Dave.

Dave: You like the guacamole?

Paul: Sure do. Eat it all the time.

Dave: Fun times at the Shaffer home, huh?

Paul: Ha ha ha, you got it, Dave.

Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Speaking of guacamole and good times, I think we’re going to have a special treat for you tonight. Rumor has it, that in the hallways of this very building, is none other than one of the presidential candidates.

Paul: Is it John McCain?

Dave: Ha ha ha. No. No, not John McCain.

Paul: Is it that Dr. Zaius cat?

Dave: No, not Dr. Zaius either.

Paul: Well who is it?

Dave: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

Paul: Oooh. I heard that he saved the Earth once.

Dave: Big deal. I saved the Earth, like, twelve times last night.

Paul: Twelve times. Really?

Dave: Yup. Seriously though, Jon’s close by and we’ve got a page fetchin’ him.

Paul: Fetchin’ him.

Dave: Yup. And we’re gonna try to get him in here for a few minutes. What? He’s here? He’s right out there? Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, everybody! Hey Jon, how’s it going?

Jon: Hey Dave. Wow it’s cold in here, get a load of my nipples.

Dave: Ha ha, right. Say, you want to play with the band?

Jon: I sure would. I even brought my own cowbell.

Dave: Great, let’s hear it.

Jon: Time has come today
Young hearts can go their way
Can't put it off another day
I don't care what others say
They say we don't listen anyway
Time has come today
(Hey)

Oh
The rules have changed today (Hey)
I have no place to stay (Hey)
I'm thinking about the subway (Hey)
My love has flown away (Hey)
My tears have come and gone (Hey)
Oh my Lord, I have to roam (Hey)
I have no home (Hey)
I have no home (Hey)

Now the time has come (Time)
There's no place to run (Time)
I might get burned up by the sun (Time)
But I had my fun (Time)
I've been loved and put aside (Time)
I've been crushed by the tumbling tide (Time)
And my soul has been psychedelicized (Time)

(Time)
Now the time has come (Time)
There are things to realize (Time)
Time has come today (Time)
Time has come today (Time)

Time [x11]

Oh
Now the time has come (Time)
There's no place to run (Time)
I might get burned up by the sun (Time)
But I had my fun (Time)
I've been loved and put aside (Time)
I've been crushed by tumbling tide (Time)
And my soul has been psychedelicized (Time)

(Time)
Now the time has come (Time)
There are things to realize (Time)
Time has come today (Time)
Time has come today (Time)

Time [x4]
Yeah

Dave: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be right back.

iDoodle a Blockade Boy Slashpic

2008-07-14T07:56:00.006-05:00

Blockade Boy, the master of GWF (Gay Wall that Falls).

Everyone I know digs GWF, so I don’t know how some people think that it’s niche. It’s like those women who stomp on mice with high heels, except nicer because those cute little guys don’t get smashed. Doesn’t that look hot how that one dude is squished like that in the picture? I know I’m a little turned on, and I’m more of a SWF kind of guy.

Some people may think that I am pandering to the GWF crowd in my presidential campaign. All I know is that there are a lot GWF enthusiasts out there (look in the personals section, you’ll see GWF everywhere) and their voices deserve to be heard too, and if I’m the hearer of that voice, then so be it.

20 Questions and Friends

2008-07-11T13:59:00.004-05:00

RAMIREZ: And before we go today, something's been bugging me. A couple of days --

JAMESON: Well, go back outside.

RAMIREZ: We will. A couple of days ago, when most newspapers in America were doing these positive stories about how 20 Questions News Channel, once again, number one --

JAMESON: Like the Daily Bugle.

RAMIREZ: -- for many, many years. There was a hit piece by a certain Intergalactic Gladiator. The writer was a fellow by the name of Jon, and he's been doing a bunch of attack stories on 20 Questions News Channel. Well, there's some back story to it, and that is this: he’s got a friend, Dr. Zaius. Dr. Zaius actually used to work for this company. He worked -- I think he once had a summer internship at 20 Questions Medical Journal until circulation went down under his tenure --

JAMESON: Right.

RAMIREZ: -- something like, 8 percent. So, he got fired, and according to a website, this guy has had an ax to grind.

JAMESON: Yeah, he does, because, I think, Hector, according to reports -- according to a website and another online magazine -- he was making close to six figures here, and now with his new job –

RAMIREZ: Six figures?

JAMESON: Well, around six dollars.

RAMIREZ: Yeah.

JAMESON: -- he's making significantly less. How about a tenth of that?

RAMIREZ: So, anyway, some online web page on the Internet says he's had an ax to grind, and that's this costumed maniac is going after us -- to do these hit pieces. So, he essentially is this attack dog. This -- this poodle, if you will.

JAMESON: So --

RAMIREZ: Oooh! Very, very nice. And we all know how Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator verbally attacked this news channel just this week.

JAMESON: He’s a costumed freak, too. I can’t stand ‘em, can’t stand any of them.

RAMIREZ: Yeah, well he’s a freak all right. He’s a circus clown, if you ask me. In fact, I think he’s got somewhat of a different job at the circus.

JAMESON: -- Hah, he looks like an elephant’s butt because he was photo manipulated into one. We have unlocked the mystery on these two costumed freaks.

RAMIREZ: Anyway, we just thought we'd -- cute. I wonder if Zaius is going to show at Westminster this year.

JAMESON: I'm not really sure. We know a beagle won last year, and this -- he's dressed as a poodle.

On the Campaign Trail

2008-07-09T10:49:00.011-05:00

“Welcome back to 20 Questions and Friends, I’m Hector Ramirez. We now join Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator on the campaign trail as he makes a stop at a local school to talk to the kids.”

“OK kids, today we have a special treat. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a presidential candidate and is here to speak to us today. Everyone give a nice big Oak Knoll Elementary School welcome to Jon.”

“Hi Jon!”

“Hi kids. It’s great to see you here today. All your bright and shiny faces. You really are the future and that’s cool. OK, as your teacher said, I’m running for President. The President runs this country and that’s what I want to do. I think I can make the United States a better place for you and your brothers and sisters and friends and your parents and everyone else.”

“Do you carry a gun?”

“Well sometimes. I work in outer space and that’s a pretty dangerous place. I need to protect myself but I don’t want to hurt anyone, that’s why I use stun. Can you kids say stun?”

“Stun.”

“Good job!”

“Can I see your laser gun?”

“I’m afraid not, it would be too dangerous.”

“Mr. Jon, do you think you will continue the current administration’s policies of blood oil and whittling away at the Constitution or will you go the other way and spend billions of tax dollars on energy programs that just won’t work?”

“Wow, that’s a tough question. All I know is that $4.00 for a gallon of gas is way too much.”

“Mr. Jon, my dad says that the wheels of Washington can’t be stopped and an outsider candidate like you with no ties to big money has no chance of getting elected.”

“Wow. That’s a lot for a little kid like you to say. Let’s just say that I think I have a good shot, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“Who are you running against?”

“Well, there are a lot of candidates out there. There are a couple monkeys, though I’m pretty sure one of them dropped out of the race. There’s a scientist. There are others, I can’t recall any of their names off the top of my head at the moment.”

“Hi dada!”

“Hi Paxton! How’s my guy?”

“Do you wear underpants?”

“Of course I wear underpants.”

“A ha ha ha ha hah ha!”

“What’s so funny? Oh, is it because I said underpants?”

“A ha ha ha ha hah ha!”

“Alright, knock it off…………………. Underpants.”

“A ha ha ha ha hah ha!”

“Settle down, children, stop laughing when someone says underpants.”

“A ha ha ha ha hah ha!”

“I said settle down. There, that’s better. Mr. Intergalactic Gladiator, I have a question for you.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“On 20 Questions and Friends the other morning, they said that you and some of the others running are just joke candidates and you’re taking away from the serious candidates and the serious issues.”

“Really? They said that?”

“Yes they did. Hector Ramirez also wondered if this was a presidential race or a circus and he said you were a clown.”

“I’m a clown really? Well, I think Hector’s just being silly. He’s probably getting a little antsy for viewers seeing as how his ratings are down.”

“I bet you’re right, he is a rightwing jerkbag ratings whore.”

“Miss Crandall! I am shocked that you said something like that. I mean it’s true and Hector’s a pretty big moron. Remember when he tried to open Bugsy Malone’s vaults? Wow, what a maroon, what a dope—”

“…………………………… We’re going to take a quick break. When we come back, Carol’s going to have tips for keeping your pet cool in the summer.”

2008-07-07T07:55:00.002-05:00

Shock the monkey to life
Shock the monkey to life

Cover me when I run
Cover me through the fire
Something knocked me out the trees
Now Im on my knees
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Dont you know when youre going to shock the monkey

Fox the fox
Rat the rat
You can ape the ape
I know about that
There is one thing you must be sure of
I cant take any more
Darling, dont you monkey with the monkey
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Dont you know youre going to shock the monkey

Wheels keep turning
Somethings burning
Dont like it but I guess Im learning

Shock! - watch the monkey get hurt, monkey

Cover me, when I sleep
Cover me, when I breathe
You throw your pearls before the swine
Make the monkey blind
Cover me, darling please
Monkey, monkey, monkey
Dont you know youre going to shock the monkey

Too much at stake
Ground beneath me shake
And the news is breaking

Shock! - watch the monkey get hurt, monkey

Shock the monkey
Shock the monkey
Shock the monkey to life

2008-06-30T13:12:00.021-05:00

Jon!

Who's the intergalactic man
That'll lead the country like only he can?
(Jon!)
You're damn right

Who is the man
That would risk his neck for his brother man?
(Jon!)
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about
(Jon!)
Right on

You see this cat Jon is a bad mother--
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Jon
(Then we can dig it)

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but his woman
(Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator)

Summer of iDoodles, Part the Fifth, the Grande Finale!

2008-06-27T11:45:00.015-05:00

Hey everyone, time for the very last entry in the Summer of iDoodles. I promised you the greatest iDoodle of them all, but before we get to that I have a couple others that I wanted to share.

Requested by Kon-El, he and Robin winning the tag team championship. Nice short shorts there, Superboy!

Professor Xavier wanted to see Godzilla on top of the Empire State Building smoking a big fat dube. Hey Prof, what are you smoking?

And now, for the greatest iDoodle of them all, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator swearing in as your next president of the United States!

Hey, this has been a great week. I'll tell you what, I'm having so much fun doing this that I just can't stop. Making iDoodles is just like eatin' potato chips (or smoking crack, I suppose) that I want to keep on going. So here's what I'll do, over the weekend as I get suggestions from all of you Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators out there, I'll start adding them into this post as updates.

UPDATE! (See?) Dr. Zaius wants to see Sugar Bear being audited by the IRS, with chocolate cake and explosives being involved. There you go.

Panthergirl wants to see Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Fembots. My money's on the redhead.

Sarch wants to see Wall-E taking it to R2D2. Go get 'em Wall-E!

OK, I have time for two more as I am a busy, busy Intergalactic Gladiator.

Frieda Bee wants to see the Wonder Twins fighting the undead as a polar bear and sleet.
And my daughter Kiera wants to see a princess. Yes, she gets the last one 'cuz she's my princess.

Summer of iDoodles, Part Four in 4D!

2008-06-26T10:22:00.002-05:00

You can't stop it now! It's like some sort of large, unstoppable vehicle that is possibly used for war that crushes everything it its path.

Suggested by Captain Picard, the Borg Queen singing Cabaret while David Hasslehoff, fresh off his judging stint with America's Got Talent, shows his approval.

Suggested by MWB, Dr. Zaius feeling the effects of a lightning strike on his computer. Yes I know that kind of looks like the Lion King, but that's Dr. Zaius, honest to gosh.

Dr. Zaius wanted to see Frankenstein engaged in a Lightsaber duel with Britany Spears on a gondola and singing "Oh solo mio!" Personally, I would have had him say "Singer, bad!"

And suggested by Professor Xavier, Vampirella and the Black Cat in a mud wrestling match.

Coming tomorrow, the greatest iDoodle of them all!

Summer of iDoodles, Number Three!

2008-06-25T07:47:00.005-05:00

Here we go, everyone. iDoodles suggested by you!

Professor X on the losing end of a banana crème pie, suggested by Vegeta.

Chroma punching Henchy, suggested by Captain Koma.

Vegeta with a haircut, suggested by Professor X.

Keep those cards and letters coming, everyone!

Summer of iDoodles, Part Deux!

2008-06-24T08:10:00.008-05:00

Here we go, Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators!

Dr. Zaius wanted to see Sleestak and I fighting over the last slice of pizza. The pepperonis are terrified as you can tell because they're saying "oh nos!"

As a very special bonus, here's Grand Admiral Thrawn deciphering my work, suggested by Merlyn.

OK, everyone, time for round two and none of this "first poster with a suggestion" stuff. Any commenter with an idea gets one. Keep it reasonable everyone, I'm not going to be drawing pictures of vaginas with teeth, I have plenty of those already.

Summer of iDoodles!

2008-06-23T10:17:00.002-05:00

You got it, all this week I will be drawing for you, my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators, iDoodles of all shapes and sizes. Well, almost all shapes and sizes. You catch my drift.

First person to comment gets his or her doodle doodles.

Separated at Birth VI: These Separate Times Call for Separate Measures

2008-06-20T06:15:00.001-05:00

Encarta Dictionary defines separated as “moved apart so as not to be touching or connected, not together, or not in the same place” and birth as “the emergence of the young of a human or animal from the mother's womb into the outside world.” In this series, Separated at Birth, we hope to bring together peoples of all intergalactic origins to sit down and look at who or what is Separated at Birth. We hope to educate as well as entertain and if we’ve accomplished just a little bit of each, then our mission is accomplished.

So sit back and enjoy as I rev up the super powered super computer to bring you this, the next installment of the award winning Separated at Birth.

Hold on, the computer’s not responding.

Let’s see, control, alt, delete…

No response, hmmm.

Oh wait, I forgot to turn on the monitor, how silly of me.

Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan and the Blue Men from the Blue Man Group are Separated at Birth! See utilizing a highly advanced program, the super computer was able to compare the characteristics of these two candidates such as blue skin and lack of hair to determine that they were Separated at Birth.

Eric Clapton and Admiral Adama are Separated at Birth! Who could have ever imagined that Slow Hand and the Old Man were Separated at Birth? Why the supercomputer could, that’s who.

Captain Jack Harkness and Tom Cruise are Separated at Birth! They have so much in common, one’s a pansexual hunk who can never die and the other’s a ambiguously gay Hollywood star who just won’t stop.

Joey Greico, the host of Cheaters, and this giant hammer are Separated at Birth! Wait a minute, this doesn’t make sense, they’re not Separated at Birth at all. Oh, I get it, they’re both huge tools. Oh you wacky supercomputer with your wacky sense of humor!

Wall-E and Number 5 are Separated at Birth! Congratulations Disney, you’re ripping off a movie from 20 years ago. If you’re going to rip off a Steve Guttenberg movie, why oh why can’t it be Police Academy 3 Back in Training?

Are you ready for the final Separated at Birth of the evening (or morning, I suppose). This one will make you gasp, make you shudder, and make you cry that can barely take any more.

Nancy Grace and Porn Face Invisible Girl are Separated at Birth! What’s more obnoxious, Nancy Grace’s big mouth always yapping with it’s crazy talk or Greg Land’s unique ability to scan a picture from his favorite porno mag, photoshop it and drop it into every comic that he draws?

Well as I can see by the flashing cursor (using super advanced electrons!) that this is all the time we have for Separated at Birth today, but before you go, the supercomputer says that it has one more incredible supercalculation for you today.

“The secret ingredient is love?”

What the hell kind of a supercalculation is that?

What's New, America?

2008-06-18T06:37:00.004-05:00

What's new America? Woah, Woah
What's new America? Woah, Woah
America, America
I've got flowers
And lots of hours
To spend with you.
So go and powder your cute little America nose!
America, America
I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your America nose!

What's new America? Woah, Woah
What's new America? Woah, Woah
America, America
You're so thrilling
And I'm so willing
To care for you.
So go and make up your cute little America face!
America, America
I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your America face!

What's new America? Woah, Woah
What's new America? Woah, Woah
America, America
You're delicious
And if my wishes
Can all come true
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little America lips!
America, America
I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your America lips!
You and your America eyes!
You and your America nose!

Intergalactic Update!

2008-06-16T19:10:00.003-05:00

Are you watching Last Gladiator Standing III? Of course you are, it's the greatest sensation to sweep the INTERgalactic Network of Electronic Transmissions since Last Gladiator Standing II.

And though I am the host and unable to win the competition, that didn't stop me from participating in the Kobayashi Maru Sceneraio. SPOILER ALERT! And I kicked butt!

Take a look at this excerpt:

“I mean, am I right people?” I continued. “Charging weapons is their response.”

“Jon,” Hudson tried to get my attention.

Suddenly the ship was rocked as disrupter fire blasted the hull. I was thrown practically off my feet as the ship lurched and wiring dropped out of the ceiling.

“Somebody take care of that,” I said. “But first, somebody get me full shields.”

“I’m givin’ ‘er all she’s got, Captain, she canna take no morrrrrre,” the engineer said in his wildly inconsistent brogue.

“What’s your name?” I asked him.

“Chief Engineer Montgomery Suk,” he replied.

“OK, Sukky, just do the best you can,” I said.

“They’re coming after us and they’re gonna kill us!” Hudson cried.

“OK, prepare ship for the Picard Manuver,” I said as I tugged on the base of my Captain’s tunic. “These coordinates. Engage!”

The ship leapt into warp speed and instantly leaped out of it behind the Klingon ships. The stunt made it look briefly as if there were two starships instead of just one. Don’t ask me how it works, that’s just what the script says.

“Fire to disable!” I commanded. “Fire!”

Phasers and photon torpedoes shot out of the ship and crippled two of my adversaries. The engines gave out and the shields dropped on the flanking ships, but the lead avoided our onslaught.

“Prepare the Omega 13,” I ordered.

“Not the Omega 13, mon!” Sukky cried.

“Captain, using the Omega 13 is dangerous at best,” Sprok interjected. “That device may destroy us all and possibly take the universe with it. Destroying the universe is most illogical.”

“I don’t need a lecture,” I growled back. “This isn’t Omega 13 101 and you aren’t Professor Sprok.”

“Actually, I do hold a position at the Yugopotomia Academy of Laser Engineering.”

“Damn you Yalies,” I growled again. “Just do it.”

What happens next? Find out here!

2008-06-13T13:05:00.001-05:00

Press Conference

2008-06-11T15:40:00.007-05:00

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming tonight. I just wanted to take this opportunity to explain my actions of the past few weeks and to clear up the situation and prove my innocence in this whole Emma Frost scandal, or Emmagate as you have been calling it.

“As you can see by the chart that I had specially created for this conference, the warlord from the future Kang the Conqueror hired both Zartan, the Master of Disguise, as well as Mystique, the shape changing mutant, to pose as myself and Emma for the photographs. To add an element of authenticity, he told neither one that he was hiring the other.

“After working with my campaign manager, Professor Xavier to question the actual Emma Frost, we investigated Mystique’s hideout where I uncovered the plot, though I was bushwhacked by Zartan and Mystique in the process. I escaped that trap and worked my way towards Washington DC where I defeated Zartan’s goons, the Dreadnoks. I then hooked up with Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI and followed the signal sent by the Dreadnoks to a secret Cobra base at Mount Rushmore, Agent Hanson and I defeated the terrorists there and brought down their giant, expensive warship.

“After my last news conference, I was attacked by Kang himself who admitted to the plan as he attempted to kill me and take my place. I beat him and he fell to his death (I presume) off the Statue of Liberty.

“Unfortunately, this was the point where my arch-nemesis Dr. Nemonok kidnapped Professor Xavier’s brain and flew out towards Pluto in his spaceship. I quickly tracked him down with the aid of the X-Men and Captain Koma, saved Xavier’s brain, and destroyed Nemonok’s ship with him in it. And basically that leads us to here.”

(I looked out at the reporters who were staring wordlessly at me)

“OK, to sum it up here, the plan was from Kang, he hired Zartan and Mystique, I beat them, beat Kang, saved Xavier’s brain, and now I’m here. And of story, end of Emmagate. Any questions.?”

(The reporters started yelling and raising their hands all at once)

“Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel and this is my question: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, do you expect us to believe that all of this actually happened? Doesn’t this sound a little farfetched to believe?”

“I admit it does sound pretty crazy, but that’s what happened. See? Look at the chart.”

“I’m Ted Koppel and this is my follow up: you say Kang attacked you but you beat him, how do we know that you’re not really Kang?”

“Well, I know things that only I would know, like uh, my shoe size is 11 or that I got stitches right here on my chin because I fell on a nightstand as a child.”

“Gee that’s a swell story, mister, can I take a picture?”

“Sure, thank you.”

“Clark Kent, Daily Planet, While I certainly believe you when you say you’re you, and from what I see you’re heartbeat, blood pressure, and fingerprints clearly support that as evidence, do you still think that you can shake this scandal and get your campaign back on track?”

“I certainly think so. I think the American people are too smart to fall for some elaborate, Machiavellian scheme conjured up by some evil warlord from the future.”

“Flint Blasterly, Faux News Network. What do you think about the fact that most of the reporters here seem to be behaving like some sort of caricature? Do you think we really behave like this? Or are you trying for some easy joke?”

“No no, of course you’re not all a bunch of one-note characters. Isn’t that right, Dan Rather?”

“Jon, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when the three-legged mule beats you in an ass kicking contest, you better close the barn door and take the buttermilk home for the night.”

“See? Any other questions?”

“While pig’s in the poke and it’s second and short and we’re on the subject of accusations, what do you say about the recent rumors floating around that you’ve actually decided to campaign for president because you don’t like monkeys?”

“Well, I’ve got nothing against monkeys, really. I’d like to think that I’d make a better president than a monkey, though.”

“I think you’ve been reading too many funny books, Mr. Intergalactic Gladiator.”

“Thank you, do you have a question?”

“Yes I do, I’m starting to think that you don’t hate monkeys, I think you like them. I mean like like them. I think you’re guilty of monkeylove and should fry.”

“Heh heh, that’s absurd. I mean, sure I like monkeys just as I like any other creature of nature from the butterfly to the cheetah. I don’t harbor any unusual feelings for the ape family in particular, though.”

“You know what it sounds like to me? It seems like there’s some incident in your life and you’re telling everyone about it but you’re telling it differently than how it really happened. What does it feel like to be doing that?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. Next question?”

“What about the fact that you had a monkeyboy for a sidekick?”

“A monkey and a monkeyboy are two very different things. Monkeys are from Earth and are genetically very similar to us. Monkeyboys are from the planet Monkekbok, they have a vaguely defined morphing ability and are known throughout the universe for their annoying characteristics and abilities, and who knows what’s up with their genes. I was forced to have a monkeyboy for a sidekick once, I don’t like monkeyboys, and the relationship ended when the monkeyboy’s face was disintegrated.”

“What about the rumors that your relationship with the monkeyboy was more than that?”

“This is the first I’ve heard of that.”

“There’s been rumors floating around that your relationship with the monkeyboy was in fact a more casual one. Care to comment on that?”

“That’s pretty ridiculous. I didn’t like the monkeyboy, I didn’t socialize with him, I didn’t see him or any other monkeyboy outside of work, I don’t like monkeyboys. That’s my relationship with the monkeyboy.”

“So you say that you don’t fraternize with monkeyboys?”

“That’s what I’m saying. These rumors are ridiculous and if you think you can find evidence to the contrary, I’ll be very surprised.”

“So you’re saying that all these rumors are completely untrue?”

“That’s right. If you think you can uncover anything to the contrary, go ahead. I’m serious. If anyone thinks they can find anything on me, go ahead. I think you’ll be pretty bored looking.”

In space, everybody can hear when you blow up a ship real good

2008-06-03T18:37:00.006-05:00

“Of all the half-witted, ignorant, boorish, unevolved actions you could have possibly taken, you chose the worst!”

It was Liliandra yelling at me, and she had been laying into me for a good ten minutes now. This is the maddest that I have ever seen a queen since, I don’t know, since there was the fight outside that bar on Halsted Street.

“Here I am, visiting your solar system on a personal mission of my own, welcomed by none other than Galacta IX and you try to spoil it by creating this intergalactic incident. Do you know what kind of paperwork my captain now has to fill out declaring that it was not actually a citizen of my empire who fired on that ship? Did you think you’d get away with this?”

“Yes ma’am. No ma’am,” I replied. I stood straight at attention. I figure that I’ll just let her expend all her anger on me, then admit to everyone who needs to know that I was the one who fired the cannon. Of course there will be complications due to the fact that I’m on this ship, in a time of peace, discharging the weapon. I’m sure Queen Galacta will let it slide once she knows who I fired at and why.

“Are you even listening to me?” Wow, she’s angry.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Get this man out of my sight!” she ordered her guards. “I don’t even want him on my ship anymore!”

The two guards hoisted me between them and pulled me towards the door.

“You highness,” I called out. “I fully admit to my actions and am perfectly willing to sign any document stating that I fired the cannon.”

“Get! Out!” she screamed.

The two guards threw my out into the corridor. “You have 20 minutes to get off this ship,” one stated.

“Then it’s hunting season,” the other laughed.

“Ha ha funny,” I laughed back. “Thanks guys.”

With nothing better to do, I walked back to the landing bay and my ship, the Danger Sled. I saw Professor Xavier waiting for me in front of the Sled’s access hatch.

“Well, I just illegally blew up a ship containing a brain in an overgrown fish tank, essentially touched off an intergalactic incident, and I got yelled at by the queen of the Shi’Ar Empire for the last 15 minutes,” I said to him. “So how’s your day been?”

“It could have been worse, considering.” The Professor indicated to the fresh scars running across his head from his recent brain removal and un-removal. “I wouldn’t worry about Lilandra, of course she’s upset but she needs to look out for her people. I’m sure this will blow over quickly.”

“Yeah, blow over,” I repeated. “In the meantime, I need to head on out before some of her goons decide to shoot first and ask questions later. You looking for a ride?”

“I would say no thank you at this time,” he responded. “Lilandra and I have been separated for quite some time and after getting the chance to see her again, I have decided to stay onboard her ship to, er, get reacquainted. I’m not sure how long we have together.”

“Sure, I get it,” I grinned. “Don’t wait up, right?”

I popped into my ship and waved back to the Professor. “Well don’t be too long, huh? I still have to hold a press conference and explain that Kang the Conqueror was the whole instigator of Emmagate.”

“Kang the Conqueror! I should have known,” Xavier exclaimed. “Well, good luck with that press conference, then. I have the upmost confidence in your oratory skills.”

“Well don’t you want any details about my encounter with Kang?” I asked.

“No no, as I said, I am confident in your abilities and as such, I have no doubt you handled yourself accordingly.”

“Yeah, but Kang,” I said. “He’s a pretty bad dude, you know.”

“I know, I know,” the mutant replied. “But why don’t you tell me about it some other time?”

“Well OK, I guess,” I waved. “See you later, have fun storming the castle.”

“Is that what you kids call it these days?” Xavier shouted back to me above the whine of my engines warming up. I kicked in the repulsors and slid out into space. I then fired up my engines and swung the ship around the spot where Nemonok’s craft was. I wanted to run a scan to be sure there was nothing left. All I could detect was debris scattering across space.

“Can’t say that I’ll miss you,” I muttered as I aimed my ship towards Earth.

This is Xavier's brain, this is Xavier's brain on the floor, any questions?

2008-05-30T18:10:00.012-05:00

I saw Professor Xavier’s brain fly through the air as I crashed to the deck of Nemonok’s ship. I felt the agony of defeat as gooey brain matter splattered all over. The walls, the deck, on the furniture, on Wolverine. It was a mess and I felt defeated in a way that I had never felt before.

Nemonok, still affected by the neural attack laughed giddily.

“You have failed to rescue your precious Xavier, you sillies! Evil will always win because good is clumsy!”

Then a most unusual feeling came over me. Something like my underwear being turned inside out with me still wearing it, but not quite. Something kind of like being a 7-year-old child and having an ice cream cone taken away, but not quite. Something like trying to swim up a current with a cinderblock tied to my ankle, but again not quite. It felt kind of like going back in time between 10 and 15 seconds, but that didn’t seem right, either.

Captain Koma shouted “Stop!”

“What the hell is it?” I shouted while holding up the brain pan with Xavier’s brain in it. “Are you trying to make me drop the Professor?”

“Ha! Just the opposite, actually!” he called out triumphantly. “It’s a good thing Nemonok has an Omega 13 installed.”

“An Omega 13?”

“It’s a device that sends everything back 13 seconds,” Koma explained.

“Well of course, I know that,” I replied quickly. “Still, 13 seconds? That’s not much.”

“It’s enough to redeem a single mistake,” answered Koma with a smirk. “Such as splattering Xavier’s brains all over the deck. Now let's go.”

“Thirteen seconds back into the past?” Wolverine stepped towards us while scratching the top of his head. “Big deal.”

“Well, it’s a pretty good defensive measure,” I replied. “You wind up firing at someone who won’t be there for another 13 seconds. There’s a certain element of surprise to it.”

“Yeah, well 13 seconds still ain’t a whole flamin’ lot, I’m sayin,” Wolverine harrumphed.

“Yes, well it was just enough to save my life,” Xavier’s brain called out.

“Charles, is that you?” Emma Frost asked.

“Yes, I am of course communicating to everyone psionically as I now lack a mouth to speak,” he answered. “Thank you for this daring rescue and thank you Captain Koma for preventing this clumsy oaf from dropping me.”

“Hey!”

“Ha ha ha ha! You still haven’t won, fools!” Nemonok’s brain tank careened past us. “I’m going to get all my evil psychiatrist friends together and we’ll make a band and then we’ll show you what evil’s all about! I’ll play the bongos, Dr. Membranos will bring the nachos, it'll be a cool time.”

Nemonok’s brain tank continued to spin out of control until it slammed into a computer terminal. Sparks flew and gurgling noises erupted.

“Wow, man what a ride.”

“This still isn’t over!” Nemonok’s main squeeze Gun Nut popped out of the shadows with a heavy blaster in hand.

“For you it is!” Chroma replied and sent the mohawked assasin sprawling to the ground with a steel-handed punch.

“And on that note, let’s go,” Koma smirked. He thumbed the controls of his teleporter and we instantly found ourselves back on board the Shi’Ar ship. Medical technicians rushed up and grabbed the Professor’s brain and body and hurried off with Koma rushing after them followed by Chroma and Emma Frost.

That left the rest of us with nothing really to do, Iceman and I looked at each other and shrugged.

“Now what?” Wolverine grunted impatiently.

I casually wandered off towards a gunner’s station and listened in on the operator’s conversation.

“Station Four reporting. I still have a weapon’s lock on the enemy vessel. The vessel is not moving.”

“Do not fire,” a voice crackled over the comm back to him. “That ship is still disabled and the Queen will not allow an intergalactic incident.”

“All loaded up and no place to go, huh?” I asked offhandedly.

“Pfft, yeah,” the gunner grumbled. “I got the thing dead to rights. And you just know that if they get an ounceling of power back, they’ll just go straight back to stealth mode and disappear.”

“Yeah, that’s what they always do, all right,” I chuckled. “This looks a lot like the M5 Powertron Pulse Cannon I used to shoot back in the ol’ space navy days. Pretty sweet.”

“Yeah, well it’s been quite a few years since we’ve had the M5’s,” he answered. “This thing’s got a heavier wattage + damage ratio, low dispersal rate, and a better cycling and cooling system.”

“Cool,” I replied with just a little awe. “And this readout shows your target lock?”

“Uh huh,” He nodded.

“And this is the fire button, right?”

“Yeah, but you don’t want to press that,” he replied quickly. “You know, Commander’s orders and all.”

“Oh yeah, you wouldn’t want to fire…” I said.

Quickly before he could stop me, I slammed my hand on the firing button. A blast of powerful energy lanced across space and slammed full into Nemonok’s ship. It instantly erupted into a ball of flame.

“…But I would,” I grinned.

Professor Xavier's Brain is Still Missing!

2008-05-27T23:02:00.006-05:00

The brain.

Professor Xavier’s brain.

As I watched it sail through the air, I thought of the –what, last 30 or so minutes that just occurred right in front of me.

I thought back to landing on the deck of that Shi’ar craft and seeing Captain Koma’s partner Chroma just about take the head off the Scarlet Witch. They were quickly separated by a lightning bolt and a warning from Storm.

“See, this is why I like to work alone,” I whispered to Cyclops who was standing next to me.

“Why, because you can’t shoot lightning bolts out of your hands?” he asked.

I clasped my hand to my forehead.

Xavier’s brain was still in the air, it seemed like it was just floating there, my own brain was racing back to mere moments after that altercation.

Queen Lilandra of the Shi’ar Empire had appeared practically at Earth’s doorstep. I knew Xavier’s brain and Dr. Nemonok were just a few hundred feet away in Nemonok’s own craft. I also knew that it wouldn’t last a moment against this battle cruiser. I had to get her to stand down.

“My Queen,” I bowed slightly as to acknowledge her place. “As an authorized deputy of the throne of Queen Galacta IX and Her galaxy, it is my duty to… request that you stand down your battleship and return to your own galaxy, stellar quadrant, or nearest side dimension of convenience.”

“Galacta knows full well why I am here.” Lilandra held aloft an official document. “As Charles Xavier is my consort, I am well within my rights established by the Pan Galactic Treaty of New Betel. I hereby claim dominion over Charles Xavier and all that is his, namely his brain.”

“Er, OK,” I answered. Nuts, I’m outgunned.

“Your majesty if we may,” spoke up Emma Frost. “Allow us to recapture Xavier’s brain for you. You could demand its return to engage their attention as we sneak aboard that ship.”

“Very well,” she agreed after the briefest deliberation. “You have but this one opportunity. Do not fail, or I shall have to send in my own troops and I assure you, they will not.”

“Sweet, I’m gonna make a brain-ke-bob outta that Nemonok,” Wolverine growled as he popped his trademark claws.

“Yeah, but how are we getting over there?” asked Iceman.

“Please allow me,” Captain Koma answered with a flourish of his hand.

The brain. All this over one brain. One remarkable brain, capable of so much more than any ordinary person’s. And it hung there in the air. The Professor’s life, as all of our own hung in the balance along with it.

Instant henchmen instantly sprung up around us when we teleported into the craft and the X-Men and Chroma instantly engaged them. I took out one with a headshot from trusty Betsy, my blaster pistol. I looked around the melee and saw Captain Koma slip towards Dr. Nemonok.

“Eat this,” the Australian spat as he fired his weapon at the evil psychiatrist.

“Ha ha,” the brain floating in the jar laughed back. “Your neural weapon cannon harm me, my containment jar is resistant to such paltry attacks.”

Koma shrugged slightly and fired once, twice, three times more at the floating brain.

“Foolish human, I told you that your weapon cannot—whoa…” his voice got deeper and slower. “Hey, I can see my voice. My voice. My… voice... Hey can you see that, man? That’s real cool. Look at the colors.”

As everyone’s attention turned towards Nemonok, I found Xavier’s brain sitting in a shallow dish and plugged into the ship’s computer system.

“Hold on,” I said. “I’ll get you out.”

I’ve never seen a brain smile before but I could almost swear that this one did right then and there. I’d prefer to think that it didn’t though, a smiling brain just sounds too creepy.

I quickly unhooked the cabling connecting his brain to the ship and lifted it. I hoisted the pan and its contents away from the console, suspension fluid sloshed from side to side along the way.

His brain, in my hands.

I quickly turned to make my way clear of the fighting. Maybe I could beam back to the Shi’Ar ship or maybe Koma could teleport me away, but I had the brain and it would soon be safe.

But then I tripped.

And the brain sailed high into the air, away from the pan, away from my reach. I saw it arc gently as I felt the ship’s gravity claim my own body and pull it to the deck.

“Oh shi-----!”

Xavier's brain is Missing!

2008-05-23T13:34:00.006-05:00

After my little aerial engagement with Nemonok, I decided to fly to the Xavier’s Mansion to hook up with the X-Men. Along the way, I saw the charred fuselage of their Blackbird jet smoldering on the ground. I quickly landed and ran up to the site of the wreckage. Looks like their plane got shot down again but I didn’t see any X-Men here though.

“That damned bitch, where did she go?” I heard a shout. I turned and saw Captain Koma standing there with his fists balled up in impotent rage. Some woman was standing next to him with her arms crossed and a perturbed look on her face.

“Koma!” I ran up to him. Yeah, I know Koma’s a villain but I honestly haven’t heard anything about him in like two years. Plus he’s Australian; the Land Down Under isn’t my usual stomping grounds. “Hey what’s going on?”

Koma begrudgingly explained that he was in the X-Jet with the X-Men when it was shot down. He then went on to explain that the Scarlet Witch met up with the group and She elected to take them to Xavier’s brain. Instead, it seems, she teleported them all over the world, then dumped off Koma and his companion here and disappeared completely. He ended his tirade with one more curse aimed at the magical mutant.

“I was just fighting Nemonok a short while ago,” I explained. “I damaged his ship but he warped away. Fortunately, it was a space fold and my ship’s sensors were able to track where he warped to. His ship’s on the outer reaches of this solar system.”

“Well let’s go get him,” Koma growled.

“There’s room for two more on the Danger Sled.” I threw a thumb back towards my ship.

“Then let’s go,” the woman said.

We quickly roared into the upper reaches of the atmosphere and headed on an intercept course with Nemonok’s ship. Once in flight, Koma introduced me to his companion Chroma and explained her ability to turn into living metal.

“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” I said. “I bet when you’re metal, you don’t have to worry about needing a sports bra or anything, huh?”

Behind my back, Chroma made some sort of gesture at me though I couldn’t see it as I looked at my scopes. From the copilot’s seat, Koma calmed her down with a placating gesture.

“When you’re done insulting her,” he said icily, perhaps you could tell us how long it’ll take us to get there.”

“Oh we’ll be there real fast,” I answered. “The only problem is, we won’t be alone. Sensors have picked up a battle cruiser in the area. If Nemonok’s calling in reinforcements, Earth may be in a lot of trouble.”

“Your sensors indicate that it’s a Shi’Ar craft,” Koma said while looking at the scopes from his position.

“Well that certainly makes things interesting,” I muttered.

“The Shi’Ar?” Chroma asked.

“Yeah, a race of bird people,” Koma explained. “They’ve got a pretty big galactic empire and oh yeah, Xavier and their queen have the hots for each other.”

“I can imagine why they’re here, then,” she replied with a guffaw.

“Yeah well, we’ll be face to face with them soon enough,” I muttered. “They’ve got us in a tractor beam.”

The Danger Sled shuddered as the warship’s beams pulled and guided us to its docking bay.

Happy Blogoversary

2008-05-20T23:55:00.002-05:00

I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket.

Holding the weapon aloft, I yelled to the crowd "The 'eyes' have it!" The audience was beside itself, roaring and cheering my victory.

Victory, thy taste is sweet.

Dogfight!

2008-05-19T18:41:00.006-05:00

I was upon Dr. Nemonok’s stealthship in no time. I quickly intercepted it and fired at it with my ship’s cannons.

“Dr. Nemonok, this is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” I called out over the radio. “Surrender your ship and you will not be destroyed.”

“Very well, Gladiator. There’s just one thing… this!”

“Nice try, but I marked you with those last shots,” I replied. “Going stealth won’t hide you from my sensors.”

“That is quite the sneaky trick, old friend. I suppose that I will have to dispose of you the old fashioned way.”

Nemonok’s ship turned over in the air and he fired his own energy weapons at me. I dodged and weaved and avoided the retaliation, then let him have a few more shots to let him know I mean business.

“I’m serious, Nemonok,” I announced. “Land your craft or I’ll force you down.”

“You won’t knock me out of the skies so easily, fool. You do realize the precious cargo that I am carrying, don’t you?”

“I imagine that it’s a couple cans of dome wax for that big jar of yours.” My comm system pinged my with another message. “Hold on.”

“What? You’re in the middle of aerial combat with me and you just decide to take another call?”

“I said hold please.” I clicked him off and brought up the message. Why it’s a meme from that fowl dog of an ape, Dr. Zaius. I suppose that I have no choice but to answer it.

* The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.

* Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.

* At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. Ten years ago I was:

Well, I wasn’t an Intergalactic Gladiator, that’s for sure. I was merely gladiating for state and local municipalities.

2. Five Things on Today's To Do List:

Hmm, get Paxton to daycare.
Get Kiera to school.
Get to work
Do work
Get home

3. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:

I would produce Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: The Movie. Come on, you know you’d want to see that.

4. Three Bad Habits:

I am awfully cluttered. I’m not a slob per se, but there’s just a lot of stuff that needs to be cleaned up.
I sometimes get annoyed with some of the characteristics that my daughter Kiera displays despite the fact that they’re very much like my own.
BrickBreaker on my Wirstcomm.

5. Five Places I've lived:

Chicago, IL; Charleston, IL; Istanbul, Ft Bragg, NC, Ft. Gordon GA

6. Five Jobs I've had in life:

• Intergalactic Gladiator
• Single Channel Radio Operator/ Satellite Radio Operator/maintainer
• PR Intern
• Inspector of Weights and Measures for the State of Illinois
• Pizza delivery
Let’s see, who shall I tag? Novi, Professor X (I know you’re just a brain in a jar right now, just do your best), Vegeta, Captain Koma, and Ciera.

With that little bit of business out of the way, I turned my full attention to my dogfight with Nemonok, only to discover that there was some sort of energy bubble envelop my nemesis. Before I could do anything else, the craft completely disappeared off my scopes.

Blast, he warped away.

Out of the Great Melting Pot and into the fire!

2008-05-16T17:23:00.004-05:00

I reached the top floor of the Statue of Liberty and stopped in awe at the sight in front of me.

“You’re me!” I blurted.

“A simple illusion with the technology at my disposal,” Kang sneered. He clicked a hidden switch on his belt buckle and his face reverted back to his purple helmed whatever that is that he wears. “After I kill you, I’ll easily take your place.”

I dove out of the way of his energy blasts and scampered up the arm of the statue towards the torch. I was near the top when I looked up and saw that Kang was already there.

“What? Aw nuts.”

“Yes, aw nuts to you,” he replied, his voice overflowing with contempt. “You cannot escape me. This will soon be over.”

I scampered up to the observation deck and pulled out my pistol on him.

“Yeah, all over for you,” I replied as I aimed it square at him.

“Didn’t we already determine that your weapon cannot harm me?” He sighed. “You are but like a fly, buzzing around the giant to me.”

“Yeah well this fly’s got a sting.” Before he had a chance to react, I feigned with the pistol then punched him in the gut with my free hand. I then wrenched his belt buckle off. With a pop and a crackle of energy, his futuristic armor powered down.

“What? Noooo!” Kang howled. His howling stopped when I punched him in the face.

“You’re just like all the other two-bit wanna be dictators from the future,” I said as I added another couple punches. “You’re all talk and without your fancy gear, you can’t back it up.”

“My armor! You’ll pay for your insolence!” The would-be conqueror dove at me with his arms outstretched.

“Seriously, you guys always put the controls in the belt buckle. You’re just asking for trouble.” I countered his clumsy attack and flipped him over me. He tumbled over the guardrail, just barely grabbing hold of it.

“Ah! Save me!”

“Oh sure.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “You were all bluster before, but now that you’re about to fall to your doom, it’s all ‘please Jon save me! I don’t wanna die!’ It’s sad really.”

“Please!”

“OK.” I reached for him, then pulled back. “Wait, who’s to say that you’re not going to turn around and sabotage my campaign again once I save you?”

“I won’t! I promise!” he pleaded.

“Cross your heart? Oh, I guess you can’t do that right now, huh?” I replied. “How do I know I can trust you?”

“I give you my word!”

“Yeah, but you’re villain, how do I know you’ll honor your word?”

“Honest,” he gulped. “I promise to leave you alone and never ever interfere with you again. I promise!”

“Really?”

“Yes,” He nodded desperately. “I swear, you and I shall never cross paths again, unless you do something like join the Avengers, I can’t stand those pompous jerks.”

“Oh, all right,” I reached out and grabbed his arm. “Dude, you weigh a ton. What do you eat in the future, Sarah Lee brand bowling balls?”

“Shut up and pull me up,” Kang gritted his teeth. The material in his jacket began to rip.

“Stop squirming,” I winced with the effort. “Just hold on.”

Suddenly, the sleeve of Kang the Conqueror’s jacket ripped away in my hand. Kang plummeted screaming.

“Nooooooo! Not again! Agggghhhhhh!!!!”

My ship the Danger Sled floated up next to me as I watched Kang fall to the earth below. Without anything else to do, I hopped into it and took a look at the readings from the sensors. As I had hoped, the ship’s sensors were able to track Dr. Nemonok’s stealthship as it crisscrossed the planet. It was now airborne and nearby in upstate New York.

The thick plot thickens even more!

2008-05-13T18:43:00.005-05:00

Professor Xavier’s brain has been kidnapped and I knew that I had to spring into action. I quickly dialed up my trusty Danger Sled from my Wristcomm and I would soon be rocketing into the sky.

My spaceplane responded to my signal and would soon land at Ellis Island. But before it could get here, someone stepped in front of me.

“Hey, nice purple helmet there, Billy,” I said. “Does it come with a Wiffleball and bat?”

“You will not call me Billy,” he stated. “You will call me your master, Kang the Conqueror!”

“Kang? What are you doing here?” I asked. “In fact, who are you?”

“Uh hello, evil conquering warlord from the future here,” he replied with a snappy edge to his voice. “I’m here to stop your campaign once and for all!”

“Wait a minute,” I replied as things started to fall into place. “You’re the one who hired Zartan and Mystique, aren’t you?”

“Of course,” he replied. “Though I did not tell one that I hired the other, I thought the photos would look more authentic that way.”

“Aha!” I pointed my finger up. “So you hired them to discredit me so you could take over the United States yourself. Oh that’s an evil plan. Bad time traveling conqueror, shame on you!”

“Yes well, it was a nice plan while it lasted,” he admitted. “Too bad things turned out the way they did. I guess that I’ll just have to take your place myself and win the election, also myself.”

“Wait, so I do win the election?” I said. “That is tres cool, which mean three cool.”

“Yeah, well that’s kind of a complex answer,” he replied as he rubbed the back of his head. “It’s a possible future, but there are many divergent paths. Time travel is very complicated, more complicated than I could ever explain to the likes of you.”

“Hey I get it, man,” I said as I jammed my thumb into my chest. “I’m a Multiversal Lynchpin.”

“And you’ll soon be a dead Multiversal Lynchpin.” With a flourish of his arm, Kang fired a beam of energy at me. The impact of the blast sent me flying, crashing through the glass window to the gift shop.

“Not cool, way not cool!” I retaliated by throwing armloads of souvenir Statue of Liberty paper weights at him. He deflected them with a brush of his arm.

“My shields can withstand anything that you can throw at me,” he sneered. “Can you withstand this?”

He hoisted me up and threw me again, deeper into the closed Statue of Liberty. I skidded across the marble floor, the wind rushing out of my lungs from the impact.

“You’re such a charmer,” I gasped. “I bet you say that to all the ladies.”

“Funny.” Kang aimed his finger at me to fire another blast, but was forced to erect his force field again as I fired at him with my blaster pistols.

“So tell me,” I shouted as I fired again and again while on my back. “You teaming up with Nemonok to take Xavier’s brain, too?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he replied as he deflected my shots.

“I hate it when master plans overlap,” I muttered. “Why can’t you guys just come up with a plan, let me defeat you , and then give me a little time to take a break, you know like a week maybe, then let someone else try?”

“Stop your foolish babbling and die!” he howled as he shot at me again.

I rolled out of the way of the blast, jumped up to my feet and ran into a waiting elevator. I grinned and crossed my arms in triumph.

“You won’t get away from me that easily!”

“Screw you,” I replied. I then saw that I hadn’t hit a button yet and quickly pressed the top one. The doors slid shut as Kang stalked towards me.

Frack

2008-05-11T22:21:00.003-05:00

I was still on Ellis Island trying to figure out my next move. From Cyclops, I go the lowdown of what was happening at Xavier’s Institute. Apparently my old friend Dr. Nemonok (and by old friend, I am being sarcastic, of course, I can’t stand that bodiless bastard) had absconded with Professor Xavier’s brain, Captain Koma had teleported there and was now fixing some sort of contraption to Xavier’s brainless body to control it until… Until when, I don’t know. I assume we’ll just have to get that brain back and get it into his body. I can help out with the first part of that, of course, but the second isn’t exactly my forte. I’m not what you’d call a brain scientist.

Somehow, this seems like some sort of lame episode of some bad Sci Fi show.

My thoughts were interrupted by the pinging on my Wristcomm. I looked at the message and saw that it came from TX. Dammit, she’s that fracking cyborg Terminator from the future. She tagged me with a meme?

Frack. I quickly wiped my Wristcomm and zugged it out completely. If she gets into this thing, who knows what kind of a nuisance she’d be. Fortunately, my Wirstcomm syncs with Outlook on my ship’s maincomputer. I’ll lose all my messages and contacts on the device but at least I’ll be able to reload them.

Here we go.

The rules:
Must post the rule.
Must link back to the person whose blog-birthday it is...
Must post comment when you are done

What to do:
Fill out the following:
01] I loathe Sky.
02]Sky is a cybernetic pestilence.
03] If I were in a room with Sky, I would ask her if she wants a glass of juice.
04] I think Sky should log off.
05] Sky needs nothing really, I think.
06] I want to do the Charleston with Sky.
07] Someday Sky will forget to recharge her batteries.
08] Sky reminds me of a Terminiatrix and Species smooshed into one.
09] Without Sky teh intenets would be safe.
10] My memories of Sky are filled with dirty, dirty thoughts.
11] Sky can be a real lasertronic technothelonic abdoirnoix.
12] The worst thing about Sky is that whole evil Terminator thing.
13] The best thing about Sky is that good side she sometimes shows.
14] I am sometimes partying with Sky.
15] One thing I would like to know about Sky is who does her hair?
16] Sky should go and return to the future.
17] Sky lusts after me
18) What I like best about Sky's blog is that scrolly thing at the top.
19) What I dislike about Sky's blog is it wants to sing to me, what is this mySpace?
20) My favorite post from Sky is her blogversary.

iDoodle again!

2008-05-09T17:42:00.002-05:00

Darth Nepharia wanted to see a doodle of her beating the pants off of Darth Vader.

Well there you go.

Don't forget to look at my post over at Sci Fi Fantasy Loving Blog.

And don't forget to check out Last Gladiator Standing III.

iDoodle doodle, the cat and the poodle

2008-05-07T08:13:00.004-05:00

I haven't iDoodled in a while. I'm totally up for one today, how about you?

First person to comment with an iDoodle idea gets an iDoodle doodled.

But before that, there's a new reality show in town, Last Gladiator Standing III. Go check it out now, there are still a few slots left for participants, so if you want in send me an email.

Update! Hot Stuff wants a picture of himself as a gladiator. Aw, isn't that cute, he's got one of those helmets on!

Nepharia, I'll hook you up too. Leave me a suggestion.

Where in the World is Professor Xavier?

2008-05-04T21:32:00.005-05:00

I stepped away from the podium and looked around. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there was a microphone pointed at me or someone in a fedora barking a question. I couldn’t answer them now. Something’s not right here, I can feel it.

Professor Xavier didn’t even show up to the press conference that he set up. It’s possible that he’s busy with my campaign or attending to business at his school, but it didn’t seem likely to me. On top of that, if he was too busy to be here, I’m sure I would still feel his mental presence, something that I can’t detect right now. Without anything else to do, I dialed up his school to see if he was actually there or if they knew where he was.

“Xavier’s School for Higher Learning, Cyclops, er Professor Summers speaking,” came the answer.

“Cyclops, good to hear from you,” I said. “It’s Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. I’m here at Liberty Island and Professor Xavier doesn’t seem to be around. Is he there?”

“Oh my gosh, he is,” he replied. “But you’re not going to believe this.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“Professor Xavier’s brain is missing!” Cyclops replied dramatically.

“Missing? You mean like he’s gone or something?”

Cyclops explained “No, the Professor is here, right in his study, but his brain is gone. It’s been, like, cut out of his head.”

“Holy cow!” I exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

“I am,” he asserted. “I was there with him and I was talking to him about my issues with Jean Grey and Emma Frost and Madeline Pryor and he was just sitting there saying nothing, so I started talking about how I loved Jean so much but then how I kissed Audrey Hanson and—”

“Wait, do you mean Agent Audrey Hanson?” I interrupted.

“Yeah, her,” Cyclops answered.

“Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI?”

“Yeah her,” he said. “We were on that game show Sylar’s Bachelor together and then we kissed.”

“OK, I don’t think I needed to hear that,” I said.

“With tongue,” the mutant clarified.

“I’m sure I didn’t need to hear that,” I added.

“But then I heard that she slipped me a Mikey.”

“You mean a Mickey,” I corrected.

“Who’s Mickey?” he asked.

“Never mind that, what about the Professor?”

“No wait, how do you know Agent Hanson?” he asked.

“Yeah her,” I said. “Small world, huh? She was assigned to protect me just a little while ago, but then she got called away to help out on a Die Hard Scenario.”

“Oh yeah, Die Hard, I love that movie,” said the man who must always wear ruby quartz eyewear to stop his uncontrollable optic blasts. “Yippee ki yay, mother, uh…”

“Right, well thank you for helping me out with that dangling plot thread there,” I said. “But what about the Professor?”

“Oh yeah, I can’t stand dangling threads,” he replied. “If I have one on my uniform, sometimes I burn it off with a lighter. But don’t tell Jean that I have a lighter, OK?”

“OK, OK,” I sighed. “The Professor. What happened to Professor Xavier’s brain? You said it’s gone.”

“Oh yeah right, so I was talking to the Professor you know, relationship stuff,” he explained. “And then I notice that there’s a little dab of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth and then that’s when I looked closer and saw that his head was cut open. His body’s here, but his brain’s gone, Jon.”

“How long did it take you to figure this out about his brain?”

“I don’t know, ten or fifteen minutes, I guess.” I could almost see him shrugging with the reply.

“Well, does he usually just sit there quietly for fifteen minutes while you talk about your relationship problems?” I asked.

“Well sure,” he replied. “Sometimes longer I think.”

“And he doesn’t yell at you to shut up or anything?” I also asked.

“Well no, but I think sometimes he mentally sends me away,” he said. “Like sometimes I just wake up back in my room or something and I wonder how I got there. Wait a minute, Jean Grey, Emma Frost, Madeline Pryor, and Psycloche all have mental powers. I dated all of them. Are they a surrogate for my relationship with the Professor?”

“I wouldn’t know,” I answered. “I only took like three credits worth of psychology in college.”

I heard a heavy exhale over the phone. “Does that mean that I actually want to date Professor Xavier?”

“Honestly Cyclops? I don’t know,” I replied. “I have to tell you, the more you’re talking about it, the more it’s turning my stomach right now.”

“I love Professor Xavier,” Cyclops announced. “There I said it. Wow, I feel so much better now.”

I screamed in my head mentally. I almost pounded my head against the wall, but I didn’t think the wonderful caretakers of this area want to clean up bloodstains off their nice building.

“I don’t want to hear this,” I said slowly and carefully to him.

“Well, I don’t mean love as in the way a man loves a woman,” Cyclops said. “It’s like a platonic love. Wait a minute, if all the women that I’ve dated are surrogates of the Professor, maybe the Professor’s a surrogate of the father I never had because my dad flew off into outer space to become a space pirate. Wow, it’s mind boggling.”

“You aren’t kidding,” I exhaled. “OK, I’ve gotta go. I mean I’ve really gotta go, if I listen to any more of this I might just, I don’t know what I’d do. I just gotta go. I’ll start looking for clues, keep me updated if you hear anything.”

“OK, I will Jon,” Cyclops agreed. “This is Cyclops over and out.”

The line went silent as he hung up the phone on his end.

Great, on top of everything else going on around here, I’m probably going to have to find Professor Xavier’s brain now, too.

Announcement

2008-04-30T17:57:00.007-05:00

“Welcome viewers to a very special edition of 20 Questions, I am your host Hector Ramirez. We will take a break tonight from catching online furry predators who are propositioning Anime cosplayers to bring you something a little less sensational yet still probably just as current.

Presidential hopeful Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator’s campaign has been a rocky one to say the least. Though his popularity in the polls is without question, when the Emmagate scandal hit, many did question his morality and personal ethics. Two of the anchoring factors in Jon’s campaign has been his campaign manager Professor Charles Xavier and his running mate Fluke Starbucker. But one of those anchors has been missing for quite some time and Jon’s campaign now seems off the track as he races across the country on some wild goose chase that he’s claimed will clear his good name.

Tonight, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has called a press conference under the watchful eye and giant feet of Lady Liberty herself. Will he address his scandal with Emma Frost? Will he explain his mission or his partner’s disappearance? Let’s go live to Ellis Island to find out as Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator steps up to the podium.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, citizens of the free world, I come before you today to make a statement that I did not want to make; one that I hoped that I would not have to make; one that I prayed that I would not make. But it is now time that I make this unfortunate statement.

(Heavy breath)

My vice presidential running mate and one of my best buds, Fluke Starbucker has been a great asset to this campaign and to me for these many months. He is a strong and hardworking man who isn’t afraid to roll up his sleeves and tighten the bolts or loosen the nuts of a moisture vaporator. He’s also not afraid to roll up the same sleeves and tighten the bolts of America’s moisture vaportor. I’m speaking metaphorically here, of course.

Fluke Starbucker is a man who said that he’d stand up for America. The he said that he was ready to sit down and work hard as vice president. He then said that he was ready to stand up and help his fellow man. And then he said that he’s ready to sit down at the table of liberty to drink from a wine glass of justice. Fluke Starbucker was willing to do a lot of sitting and standing for this country, more sitting and standing then an hour long sing-along session of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean.

Well unfortunately, Fluke Starbucker has been lost at sea and is now presumed dead.

Somewhere between flying from the sub-swing states of Alaska and California, Fluke Starbucker’s plane was lost at sea over the Bermuda Triangle. Efforts to find him were made by many global organizations who consider themselves friends of Fluke. Members of International Rescue, Max Ray of the Centurions, Torpedo, Wet Suit, and Shipwreck from G.I.Joe, the crew of the SeaQuest, and even the Submariner and Aquaman all pitched in to help in the search, even though it got rather ugly between the two and wound up degenerating into quite an altercation. I tell you, there were tridents and narwhals flying back and forth with incredible fury.

This search, however, has proven to be fruitless. Fluke Starbucker is now gone and presumed eaten by a shark or perhaps an octopus, maybe even one of the sectopuses that I saw on CNN a couple weeks ago. Was that thing something or what? Wherever Fluke is now, I hope that it is a happier place; full of joy and somewhere where he feels no pain.

Fluke’s parents, Herb and Judy Starbucker of Sheboygan Wisconsin, yes Herb Starbucker the Corn Muffin King of Sheboygan County, have been really strong troughout this ordeal and even now, thousands of Friends of Fluke gather outside their small town home in a candlelight vigil. God bless you Herb and Judy and may the Spores fuse with you always.
Because of these developments and because of the wishes of Fluke himself, I find it my melancholy duty to name his successor as vice president in my campaign for president of these United States. Because we must always look forward and not backwards; upwards not downwards; and inwards before we can see outward, I now select Optimus Prime as my vice presidential running mate. I believe Mr. Prime is standing by at Autobot Headquarters right now at Mount St. Hilary and is ready to make his own statement.

Thank you and good night.”

I stepped off the podium, unable to answer the questions of the reporters shouting. I felt, for the first time, that Fluke Starbucker was really gone. We had been through so much together, Big Brother Naboo, that wild party in Sky City, that other wild party at Sky City. But now he was no longer among us and my thoughts of him seemed to fade fast like one of those pretty girls in a hazy alcohol-induced dream who you’re trying to run towards but it feels like you’re on sand and then she’s gone.

Even more unusual in all this was the absence of Professor Xavier. He’s the one who got this press conference together and yet he too is gone as if it’s slipped his mind or something. That in itself is unusual as you wouldn’t expect the Professor to be the type to let his mind wander.