Hudson: my date with a hottie!

Oh boy, I’m going on a date with Erifia! Jon said so himself right on the Last Gladiator Standing. Jaba said so too! Getting to hear the news that we were going on a date was more exciting than I could ever imagine, and I have a swell imagination!

First things first, of course, I have to get myself ready. A good looking guy like me has to make sure he’s all clean and everything. I take a shower, shave, and then splash on a little bit of that Aqua Velva because there’s something about an Aqua Velva man.

It’s going to be dinner for two at Sky City, which is a totally cool huge outer space flying Love Boat. Love Boat’s right, if I play my cards right, this blue lady’s going to be all mine.

I was granted access to the main promenade after security thoroughly searched me and confiscated all of my weapons. I mean thoroughly. It was a little bit uncomfortable as they made me stand there in my underwear as they poked and pointed at me. Gosh darn that floor was freezing. I wasn’t going to let that bother me, though, I was here for fun, and fun is what I was going to have fun doing!

We were supposed to meet at one of the restaurants; I think it was called the Gilded Nugget or something. Anyway, I made my way there and I saw this totally hot totally blue chick just standing there so I walked right up to her and gave her my smoothest winning smile, I grabbed her hand and placed a gentlemanly kiss on it and said “My name is Private Bill Hudson, but you can call me Private McDreamy.”

The woman made a disgusted sneer and yanked her hand away. “Ewww, get away from me, creep.”

“Wha--? You’re not Erifia?” I asked (in a very manly way).

“Double ew, no get lost or I’m calling security!”

“Hudson?”

I turned around and saw her. This had to be her. “Erifia?”

She nodded yes!!!!

Er, I mean, she nodded yes. Gosh, I hope she didn’t just see that awkward exchange that I just had with that other hot blue chick. I leaned forward to shake her hand, she awkwardly tried to grab it, but it didn’t seem right, so we leaned towards each other for a hello hug, but she leaned right and I leaned left. We almost bumped but fortunately, I leaned right… unfortunately, she then leaned left. Finally, she grabbed my right hand with both of hers and shook it.

“I’m Private Hudson, but uh… er,” I stammered. Did I mention the complete and totality of her hotness? “I…uh… call me William – Willlie – er call me Bill.”

I felt like pounding my head right there, I’m so stupid, geez.

“Bill. I like that name,” she said real friendly-like. “You look very nice in your suit.”

“Oh yeah,” I answered. “You look great too. I like those two things you got there. Do they bounce up and down when you run?”

“What!?”

“The head tail thingies, do they bounce around and stuff or do you have a big hat for them or something?”

“Oh these,” she smiled. “These are my lekku. Twi’leks usually have two, but I have three.” She seemed to get rather sheepish when she said that.

“Oh, I like three,” I said enthusiastically. “It’s like you have one for each hand or something, plus one extra!”

She really smiled at that and I very gentlemanly maneuvered her to the host of the restaurant. After slipping him a cool fiver, he lead us to the nicest table there, right in front of the kitchen doors! We could watch the hustle and bustle of the wait staff as we ate our breadsticks.

I was real smooth when I ordered a bottle of wine. “We’ll have the Sarajevo 92, I hear that’s a very good year.”

I was then real extra smooth when I ordered appetizers. “We will have the oysters… make it the double sized plate.”

She just looked at me with a slight smile. I smiled back and she looked away nervously.

The wine was soon poured and we clinked glasses. I wanted to be extra, ultra smooth so I went for a toast. “Here’s to good friends,” I said. “Tonight is kind of special.”

She giggled!

Soon, our appetizers arrived and I took one and slurped it down. She just stared at me.

“You know what it means when you eat these, don’t you?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“It means you can eat anything!” I answered. “You shoulda seen some of the stuff I’ve eaten in the Corps. Onetime, Corporal Hicks had this Orwellian bloodworm on a plate, and he ordered me to eat it, and so I did because he’s a superior and he gave me a lawful order. So I ate it and it was totally cool. Nothing happened or anything except it felt like fire when I pee—er, nothing happened.”

She just stared at me. She must have been entranced by my manly charms and awesome awesomeocity.

She kept staring at me all through dinner. A couple times I almost told her to take a picture, but then I stifled it. Sometimes my wit can be a little too much for some people. Good thing I know when to turn it down to 11.

After dinner, I suavely led her to the dance floor and we slow danced to a sweet waltz. I was in heaven, it felt so nice! It was like I was dancing on air or something!

Later, after we left the restaurant, we were walking down the promenade (was it a promenade or an esplanade?) we saw some really nice shops and stuff.

“Oh look, a tattoo parlor!” I pointed and smiled. “Maybe you could get ‘I heart Hudson’ tattooed on one of your legoos!”

“Ah, no thank you,” she said kindly. “I couldn’t mar my body like that.”

“Just kidding,” I elbowed her in the ribs. She looked at my grin and gave a short laugh.

“Oh look, a massage parlor!” I pointed at another shop. “I wonder if we could get a massage with one of those happy endings, you know. You know what a happy ending is?”

“No,” She looked at me like she couldn’t believe what I said. “You don’t mean—“

“Ice cream!” I said gleefully pointing to the ice cream parlor next door. “I can’t think of anything that would make me happier than a big scoop of chocolate after a nice massage!”

“Uh, let’s just stick with the ice cream…” she suggested.

So we each got a cone. I’m not sure what kind of crazy flavor she got, but I got the usual – chocolate with sprinkles. Sometimes a guy’s just gotta have his chocolate.

So I was all totally gentlemanly and stuff and I walked her back to her ship. “I had a really great time tonight,” I said to her.

“Yeah, me too.”

I leaned forward to give her a kiss goodbye, but she held up her hand and said “Not on a first date.”

Score! Hudson’s gonna go on another date!

So I leaned forward to politely shake her hand, but then I stumbled a little bit. My hand flew forward and I accidentally touched her on her you-know-what! Right on her chestal region!

Oh geez, I’m so sorry.

(I wonder what Erifia's gonna say about the date. I bet it'll be nice, huh)

Maybe I should call myself Johnny Ramone. What? That's taken? OK how about Johnny Rotten? That too? OK, how about Johnny Thunders? Johnny Cash?

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I stood in front of Demonoculous; the crowd was cheering. We had already been sparring for 20 minutes and it showed. We were both worn out from the match.

“You know why I wanted this ‘no holds barred?’” he asked.

“No, why?”

“So I could do this!” he pulled a laser gun out from behind his back and started firing wildly at me. He probably would have hit me, too, if he wasn’t so busy laughing madly while firing.

“I don’t mind ‘no holds barred,’ either,” I answered while dodging his errant blasts. “You know why?”

“No,” he stopped firing for just a moment. “Why?”

“So I could do this!” I fired at him with the sonic stun blast on my Wristcomm. He dropped his weapon as he howled and clasped his ears.

I followed up with several quick strikes and then landed an uppercut. He crashed to the ground, kicking up dust as he hit. The crowd stood and cheered even louder.

“The winner… JON!” the announcer yelled.

Later, as I was making my way back to the Danger Sled, a familiar figure stepped between me and my ship.

“You will not be getting on this ship, Earthman,” Lord EyeBorg cracked his knuckles. “I still owe you for plucking out my eye!”

“Dude, that was so long ago,” I said. “Give me a break; I’ve been here all day. I just want to go home and relax this evening.”

“Oh I will give you a break all right,” he answered. “I will break you in half!”

“Then let’s do this,” I answered. “Bring it on, Khan!”

Later, as the Danger Sled leaped into warp, I was looking at EyeBorg’s cybernetic eye skewered through a pencil.

“That was fun,” I sniffed. My knuckles sure were sore from the encounter.

Later, I snapped out of a short nap when I felt my ship being pulled out of warp. I looked at the readings and they were spiking. What did this?

“This is Captain V’oss,” the speakers on my space radio crackled. “Power down and prepare to be boarded!”

Great, space pirates. Somehow they got their hands on a military-grade interdictor. With that, they can just sit outside of the commercial hyperspace lanes, pull some of the smaller craft out, then rob the crew and passengers. Bunch of jerks.

“Oh please don’t hurt me,” I said into the mic. “I’m just trying to get home. I don’t have anything of value on board. Honest!”

“We’ll see about that!” replied the pirate. “Maybe we’ll just take your ship! Ha ha! Lower your shields and you may live.”

“OK OK,” I replied. “Just don’t blow me up!”

I lowered my shields and felt the pirate ship’s docking beam latch on. The Danger Sled shuddered as the umbilical clamped onto the side of its hull. Quickly, I gunned the engines and before they could react, I swooped around and launched a torpedo up the ship’s tailpipe.

“You bastard!” Captain V’oss yelled over the communicator before his ship exploded into a fiery ball of burning metal and plasma.

“Totally V’ossome,” I chuckled as I reengaged the warp drive.

Later, I got home. I walked through the backdoor and Shamrock jumped up in front of me. “Howya doin’ Sham?” I said as I scratched my dog behind her ears.

My wife walked up to me and gave me a kiss. “How was your day?”

“Heh, you know,” I said. “The usual.”

Bet you didn't see this coming, huh?

Expert! You scored 87 Camo Knowledge%

If you scored this high, you definitely know your way around the woods. You are probably former/current military and/or a hunter! My trick questions were not fooling you! You may possibly also be a sniper or Special Forces. My trick questions didn't throw you off at all. Or then again you may be a good guesser or you lied on some of the background questions Whatever the case, GOOD JOB on scoring this high. Don't forget to rate my test.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Camo Knowledge

Link: The Camoflage Test written by echo5lima on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Fashion Show

I had everyone in my court gathered together and there was a runway or "catwalk" built just so my models could show their "stuff." My compliments to the Royal Carpenters. Everyone was speaking to each other in hushed tones as Senator Amidala and I sat elevated over them in our special seats.

"Oh, this is going to be exciting!" Padmé clapped her hands together. "Having a show like this is so cool. I'm sure everyone will appreciate the effort we went through putting this together."

"I too am excited," I answered. "Everyone here should indeed enjoy the show."

With that the lights dimmed and a spotlight hit the curtains.

"Here is Major Rocksun," I said into the microphone. "Here he is all business sporting his combat gear, armor, and ceremonial knife. On duty, Major Rocksun is a real officer."

"But off duty he is a gentleman," I continued. "He's got his smoking jacket and a comfortable pair of slacks."

"Here's Special Agent to the Throne Private Hudson. He's got his pulse rifle and a shotgun for the close encounters..."

"Private Hudson is always ready for action," I announced. "He's got his armor and his helmet, everything he's wearing is very functional, but what could he add for just a touch of pizzazz?"

"That's right, a cape. It's fabulous!"

"This is one of my Royal Bodyguards Gunnter. This is all I've ever seen him wear, but he's spectacular in it!"

"Here's the hero to the common beings of the galaxy and Intergalactic Gladiator, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. He's sporting a unique Wristcomm, two blaster pistols and with his comfortable but functional outfit, he's ready for action."

"Speaking of action, here's Jon dressed like the Man of Action that he is. This is what he calls his 'Real American Hero' uniform. I am not exactly sure what that is, but it looks great!"

"This is Jon's final oufit, he says that it is his spy uniform. Personally, I don't think it is very functional as a spy should probably be dressed to blend in to his or her environment. This looks like it sticks out wherever he might go. Despite this, he looks marvelous in it!"

"And now, what everyone has been waiting for!" Padmé took the microphone. "Queen Galacta IX is now ready to show everyone her new outfit!"

I stepped onto the catwalk and everyone gasped in astonishment. The gasps quickly turned to cheering and applause. What a wonderful feeling! I felt just like a queen -- a beauty queen!

Shopping Trip with Senator Amidala, part II

The location: Mall of the Galaxies on Commerce Planet

The personnel: Queen Galacta and Senator Amidala

The mission: Shopping

The food: Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future

After a quick snack break, we were back to trying on clothes.

"Oh my God," Padmé sighed. "You can totally wear this when you go to pilates."

"Pilates?"

"I rather like this outfit," I said. "It is very functional. Though again, I cannot wear this to the formal affairs."

"You look so sneaky and deadly in that," the senator added. "And the colors look so good on you."

"I am not sure if this outfit is 'me.' I can, however, wear it when visiting the planet of Amazons."

"A planet with only women?" Padmé was taken aback by the thought. "No thank you."

"Oh I love this so much!" my companion shrieked. "You can totally wear this when you go clubbing! You'll have to beat all the men off with a stick!"

"And that is what I want to do?"

"This outfit does not work for me," I stated flatly. "It looks like it was put together by a four-year-old girl."

"Totally."

"I really like this one," I admired myself in the mirror. "It is comfortable and functional."

"But this just looks like your other outfit, only a different color," she protested.

"This is true," I agreed. "But sometimes you just don't mess with the classics."

Later as we were heading out into the parking lot, I started to understand the appeal of trying on new garments. Perhaps it was the fun that I had with my new friend or the slight sugar buzz generated by the cinnamon bun that caused me to generate a great idea.

"I had a very enjoyable experience," I said to her. "I will have to try this again in the near future."

"Oh yes," Senator Amidala agreed. "This was so fun. Maybe you should come to my galaxy sometime. There is this great mall on Alderaan that we can go to!"

"I have a better idea," I said. "This was such an engaging time for us that I am going to command some of my troops to try on new attire as well."

"You mean that you are going to send them here?"

"No," I smiled. "I have a better idea. We will make them come to us with their new outfits."

"Do you mean --?"

"That's right," I nodded.

"Fashion show!" we squealed to each other in unison.

Shopping trip with Senator Amidala

A short while ago, We were contacted by a delegation from another galaxy as one of the senators from there wanted to make an official visit. I immediately recognized Padmé Amidala as she just recently visited My galaxy to participate in Last Gladiator Standing. I of course granted her access to My court.

On our meeting, she immediately ran up and gave me a hug, which set Major Rocksun on alert.

"At ease, Major," I assured him. "The senator here is just giving Me an informal greeting. She wishes me no harm. Now, Senator Amidala, to what do We owe the pleasure of your visit? Does your galactic senate wish to form a trade alliance of some sort?"

"Oh I am not here on business," she smiled. She then leaned closer to me. "I'm here for the shopping!"

"Shopping?" It seemed like a great distance to go just for shopping. "You came to My galaxy for shopping?"

"Totally," she answered. "When I was here last, I heard that there was a great mall on a commerce planet around here somewhere. I figured swing by, get some of the latest fashions, maybe have one of those giant cookies. Oh, you should totally come, it'll be really cool!"

I was taken aback just a bit by this offer. I have never been invited to "go shopping" before. "I am afraid that My duties as sovereign of the galaxy prevent me from some frivolities. I have assistants who provide me with my necessary clothings."

"You've never been shopping?" she gasped. "Girlfriend, you definitely need to come with me, then!"

"If it pleases you Ma'am, your safety would be assured," Major Rocksun offered. "We could have the Mall of the Galaxies open for only You and the Senator during your visit."

"Close down the mall? No way!" the senator objected. "That is totally not the way to do it."

"I am not concerened for my safety, thank you," I answered. "I am also... intrigued... by your proposition and am willing to accompany you on your purchasing endeavors."

"Ooooh, girl’s night out!" Senator Amidala squealed. "Let's go!"

"I do very much like this outfit," I said. "Though it would not be appropriate for my more formal duties, it is very comfortable and functional."

"Mmmm, the color's good on you, but it just doesn't do it for me," Senator Amidala shook her head. "Let's keep looking.

"I am not sure if this color scheme is 'me,' Senator."

"Oh it totally works on you," she answered. "Most people in long black look all psycho, but you really pull it off. Oh and please, call me Padmé."

"This seems a bit... revealing... to me."

"Oh it looks great," Padmé looked me up and down. "The guys at the beach will totally go nuts over you when they see you in this."

"Really? And I want them to 'go nuts?'"

"Oh yeah, you want them to know that you know that they think you look hot."

"Indeed."

"I don't think this really works for you," Padmé said. "Maybe for when you go to some club or something."

"Really? I rather like the hairstyle." I looked at myself at different angles in the mirror. "Many of My ancestors wore their hair in a similar manner."

"Trust me," she sniffed. "The green spikes have been out for at least 30 years."

"I don't believe that I like this outfit, either," I said. "It seems a bit extreme for my tastes."

"Yeah, way too extreme." she agreed.

Another Bedtime Song by Private Hudson

I loved it when my daddy used to sing me to sleep at night. Usually he sang this to me, but sometimes he would mix it up a little bit. Here's another little number that I loved to hear from my pop.

Got a deadly toy
To brainwash your boy
An egocentric muscle thug
Kicks butt on screen like a brat outa hell
Bullshitter in the Indochina shop
Pull the string in his back, we win the war
That we never should have started at all
A cabbage patch terrorist to call our own
Who rewrites history with a machine gun
Don't think about it-KILL IT
That's what we teach your child
CHORUS:
RAMBOZO
RAMBOZO
RAMBOZO the Clown

To draft age kids It sure looks like fun...
"Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out."
Like video games-no mess
Just fuel for a mass lapse of common sense
You can be Don Quixote
We'll dice you with our windmill blades
Brawn over brain
Means a happy ending
G.I. Joe in the cereal bowl
Grey shrapnel-flavored chewing gum
Mass murder ain't just painless
Now we've made it cute

CHORUS

War is sexy
War is fun
Iron Ego
Red Dawn
Be a wolverine.

You'll rule the hills
Just get some guns and Cheerios
Any kid can conquer Libya
Just steal a fighter plane
Look who came home in a wheelchair
V.A. Hospital, they don't care
"We're the machine You're just a tool."
Who fell for the myth of Rambozo the Clown

Rambozo the Clown Copyright 1986 The Dead Kennedys

Mojo the Monkeyboy flew through the air then tumbled rear-end over teakettle, finally crashing with a thud into the leviathan's control console

There was a long moment of silence.

Then another.

“Hng[---------]!” An odd noise reverberated throughout Sargon. “Mu [-----------]!”

“What was that?” I asked.

“I am not sure…” Professor Xavier answered.

“Hua [------------] [----]!”

“She’s not mad about Mojo here, is she? She’s not going to do something that we’re all going to regret?”

“I don’t think she’s upset about your monkeyboy’s antics,” Professor X replied. “In fact, I think that she was... amused by it.”

“Wait, what do you mean my monkeyboy?”

“Ha [-----] ha ha [[-------]]! That was truly the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!” roared the ship gleefully. “And I’ve seen Vogon passion plays.”

“She liked me?” Mojo sat up and his eyelashes fluttered. “She really liked me?”

“Yeah, we’re all astounded by this development,” I muttered. “We’re amazed. Astounded…”

“If you liked that, then get a load of this!” Mojo ecstatically jumped several feet into the air, spun around half a dozen times accompanied by a cartoonish whirring noise. He then fell flat on his back with a splat.

“Ha! Ha! Ha!” laughter echoed through the chamber. “That was too much!”

“She liked that?” I was truly amazed.

“Hold on Jon,” Xavier held up his hand. “I have an idea.”

Mojo stood up and produced three brightly-colored balls from somewhere. He then started to juggle them while hopping up and down on one foot. “How about this, Sargy gal?”

“Oh my, that is very impressive!” cooed the ship. She then laughed some more as the monkeyboy caught all three balls and swallowed them with a gulp.

“Mmmmmmm, ballicious!”

The leviathan laughed even more.

“You have a plan,” I said to my telepathic friend. “What is it?”

“OK OK OK OK OK! Check this out!” Mojo blew into his thumb and his hand inflated like a balloon. He then swung it around and around until he clocked himself with it in right in the jaw.

“Heh heh… eh, that was OK, I guess,” Sargon answered.

“Wait wait wait! I’m not done yet!” Mojo began jumping up and down on his own hand. Doing acrobatic flips and spins in the air.

“Oh ha ha! That is splendid!” the living ship cheerfully said.

“Your plan, Chuck?”

“Sargon, you say that you are lonely, that you need companionship or else you will die,” Professor Xavier announced to the ship.

“Heh heh, yes this is true,” the ship replied. “Though we are a space-faring species, we need companionship. Heh heh.”

“I have a proposal then,” he continued. “You need a companion, we need to get back to our home planet, and Jon’s monkeyboy here needs to be a sidekick for somebody.”

“Why are you saying that Mojo is my monkeyboy?”

“Quiet,” he admonished. “Sargon, I propose that you take on Mojo as your companion. You can then allow us to leave. We promise that we would visit you again, of course.”

Mojo was cart wheeling around the deck of the ship. He cart wheeled out of sight and we heard a crashing noise, as if he collided with mops and buckets. Why would there be mops and buckets on Sargon?

“Ha ha ha ha ha! Of course, I would love to have Mojo travel with me!” the leviathan resonated happiness.

I ran up to the monkeyboy. “How would you like this, huh Mojo? Would you want to be Sargon’s sidekick?”

“Would I? Would I? HARE LIP!” Mojo cackled. He then jumped up, sprinted over to the control station and gave it a big monkeyboy hug. “You my bestest fwend foh evah and evah and evah!”

“Ha ha! You are my bestest friend as well, Mojo,” she answered.

“Nice,” I muttered.

“Well, with this pleasant business taken care of, I must insist that we take our leave,” the Professor said. “Again, I promise that we will see you once more.”

“Of that, I am sure,” she answered. You may leave and… thank you. Say Mojo, would you like to go to the Esteres Belt and shoot some asteroids?”

“Shoot asteroids, oh boy! That sounds swellerifictasticexceptionalfunfunfunified!”

“Ha ha ha, oh Mojo, you are too much!”

There was a brilliant flash of light and we found ourselves inside the Danger Sled floating in space. We looked out the window and saw as energy surrounded the great living ship. A warp in space opened up and she stretched through it. With a crash of power that shook my ship, the space fold closed.

“I guess that’s it, huh?” I said to the Professor. “Let’s get back to Earth.”

“That’s right, I can sense the urgency back there. The situation with Gaia is even graver than I thought.” he answered. “Oh and Jon…”

“Yes?”

Professor Xavier pointed out towards the emptiness of space. “Engage!”

"I cannot allow you to leave"

I looked at Professor Xavier. “You didn’t by any chance say that did you?”

“That was Sargon, through and through,” the leader of the X-Men replied.

“So she can talk now?”

“I would imagine that it is easier to her to speak at our level than for us to speak at hers,” Professor X said. “I have yet to decode how she would communicate with others of her kind. It is likely not possible for us given the biological differences between our two species.”

“OK. So she can talk to us now. We can talk to her then, right?”

“It would seem that we can,” the telepath answered. “Sargon? Can you understand me?”

There was a pause.

“Yes, I can,” came the reply.

“Me too?” I looked around. It is very unusual to hear someone talking and not have a point of reference like a face or a speaker. Being on a living ship like this is a lot to wrap my little Earthman mind around, having a conversation with a living and sentient ship is even more so.

“Of course I can,” the living ship’s voice reverberated through its control center. “I am happy to have you on board.”

I leaned closer to the Professor. “If she can hear us, my guess is that we won’t be able to have a private conversation.”

“I would surmise that as well,” he agreed. “Our mission was to make first contact with Sargon, at which we were more successful than I could imagine. I am sure she understands that our mission here is of science and discovery.”

“I do,” the entity’s voice rumbled. “As I said, I am honored to have you as my guests.”

I looked up at the ceiling. “Then why are we not allowed to leave?”

There was a moment of silence, as if the leviathan paused in attempt to articulate her thoughts.

“I… am very far from my home,” she said. “I have lost everything that I have known, my pilot; my crew. I cannot survive without them.”

“The desire for survival is strong in every living creature,” the Professor commented to me. “I can tell that she is telling the truth and there is a certain amount of anxiety in her as well.”

I nodded to my companion. “It doesn’t take a telepath to sense that. I can almost taste it in the air itself.”

“You cannot leave,” Sargon insisted. “Or I will surely die. Please.”

“But we cannot stay; our friends and family are under attack even as we speak. We need to go to them! Do you realize that by holding us here you are preventing us from living our own lives? No matter how nice you paint your walls, it would still be a prison. Humans… by nature… need to be free! I cannot allow you to hold the Professor and me like this.”

“I think you overdid it just a little,” Xavier said dryly.

“Sorry, I just had a Captain Kirk moment there.”

“Sargon, perhaps we could find an alternative,” he called out from his chair. “If you will take us back to the Queen’s Throneworld, there would be scientists there willing to live on board to study you.”

The leviathan replied with a horrifying shriek. Xavier and I clutched our ears as it felt like our brains were going to blow out of our heads at any moment. After several excruciating minutes, the reverberations finally quieted.

“Did you just put the image of an alien sliced open and on an operating table into her mind?” Professor X had a scolding look on his face.

“Aw jeez I couldn’t help it. I just saw Alien Autopsy Bloopers on TV the other night.”

“I will not be dissected like that!” shouted the ship. “I will not [---] let them [----] take my life!”

“You will not be sliced open like that!” the telepath tried to assuage her fears. “The Queen is a benevolent ruler and her scientists would never harm you in their studies.”

“I [-------------] will not allow myself [--------------] like that! [------------------]!” The creature was more frantic and understanding her became even more difficult. We were losing our ability to communicate with her while she was in this state. “[--------]!”

“Suggestions?” Professor Xavier looked at me.

“I don’t know. She can’t keep us here forever.”

“I don’t see how she couldn’t. Or in the very least, keep us here until we die.”

“Which will be a long time for me, I plan on living forever.”

“Really.” Professor Xavier looked at me incredulously.

“I’m going to learn how to fly -- high! Remember… remember… remember…”

“Although I appreciate your attempts at levity,” the Professor said. “You are not helping our situation by any means.”

“We’ll think of something, just give it some time.”

“Hey boss!” came a shout from the entrance to the command center. “I’ve gots a question for you-de-lou-hee-hoo!”

Mojo the Monkeyboy sprinted across the catwalk towards us. Halfway across the expanse, he stumbled, tripped, flew into the air, bounced off his head and skidded to the command console on his bottom. The Professor tried to bury his face in his hand and I shook my head.

“Oh brother,” we said in unison.

In the belly of the beast

After popping open the access hatch to the Danger Sled, Professor Xavier and I maneuvered ourselves to the “deck” of the leviathan. I am not sure if deck truly is the correct word to use in this situation. Even though it was a solid floor panel, we were still in the belly of a living creature.

“This is the oddest, most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” I looked around in awe. “I still can’t get over how we went through that sphincter like that.”

“You just said that so you could say the word ‘sphincter,’ didn’t you?” Professor Xavier asked plainly.

“Heh heh, yeah I did.”

“Hey fellas! Fellas? Hey you guuuyyyyysss!” Mojo the Monkeyboy called from the hatch to my ship. “Wait for me!”

“Hold it,” I stopped him. “I have a special mission for you right here at my ship.”

“Really truly honestly?” His eyes fluttered. “A special mission for moi?”

“Right,” I answered. “I need you to guard the door to my ship. Don’t let anyone in or out unless it’s the Professor or me. Go it?”

“Right O, cheerio!” the monkeyboy’s hand slapped his forehead in a deranged salute. “Nobody gets in, not even the Professor or me.”

“No it’s not you, it’s me,” I answered. “And you can let us in, but nobody else. Got it?”

“Get it got it good!” The monkeyboy feigned standing at attention. “Everybody gets in except the Professor and me!”

“No!” I yelled. Then I composed myself somewhat. “The only people allowed to enter my ship are Professor Xavier here, me, and you. But you’re already on the ship, so don’t worry about you getting on.”

“Ahhhhhh, I get it now,” the simple task finally dawned on him. “I guard the screen door here, nobody gets in except the Professor, you, or me, but I’m already here so I don’t have to worry about whether or not I can come on.”

“Right,” I said.

“OK, OK, I got it bossman!” said Mojo. “Don’t worry about me, my bestest friend foh ever and ever and ever.”

“Great,” I answered. I refrained from heavily sighing and instead moved with Professor Xavier towards the “front” of the ship.

“Do you think that will actually work with Mo—er, that monkeyboy?” the Professor asked.

“Who knows, it actually might,” I shrugged. “There’s always a first time for everything.”

We made our way through the labyrinth of the leviathan. Professor Xavier was still unable to fully communicate with the creature, but he was able to read her emotions and establish a basic rapport with her. Eventually, we got to what would likely have been the bridge or command center. In the center of the room was an elaborate station. Radiating out from there was a number of catwalks just wide enough for Xavier and I to cross in single file.

“This is her nerve center,” the telepath and scholar placed his hand on the console. “This is where the pilot would sit, were he or she still here.”

I ducked under the console and saw and elaborate pile of tubes, wires, and severed tendrils. It seemed the pilot was “planted” here and would live with the ship symbiotically. I then hoisted myself up to where I could see the pilots input device. It was far beyond a QWERTY keyboard and way too advanced for my two human hands.

“I don’t think that there’s a chance in Hel that I could fly this thing,” I mumbled out loud to my companion. “Where’s the pilot?”

“I am not entirely certain,” the professor said, still attempting to communicate with the living ship through a tactile link. “I can detect a lot of sadness and loneliness, but also a certain amount of confusion. She doesn’t know where her pilot went and she’s been wandering around the galaxy alone for a long, long time.”

“All dressed up and no place to go,” I said absently. “How do you explain her shooting the asteroids and stuff?”

“Well, she is bored, Jon. If you had a BB gun, a can, and no one around for hundreds of miles, what would you do?”

“Heh, I see you point,” I chuckled. “So what do we do now? I mean, are you going to be able to fully communicate with her?”

“If I can, it would take a very long time,” he replied. “Possibly a lifetime. The complexities of Sargon’s mind are so incredible. Each piece I decode leads to several more.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” I interrupted. “You just called her Sargon, is that her name? How do you know that?”

“I… just do.” He answered. “It seems rather obvious.”

Our conversation was interrupted by a pinging on my wristcomm. I queued up the message and looked at it. “Queen Galacta is under attack on Throneworld. She managed to throw off the attacking army, but Her own forces suffered heavy losses. The message says the assault originated from Earth.”

“We are in the middle of a conflict with Gaia, one of my former students. It must be her doing,” the Professor surmised.

“You mean Gaia from Last Gladiator Standing?” I asked. “She’s a bad guy now? I remember that she left the show early for mysterious reasons. Could it be related?”

“It may very well be, and it is much more complicated than simply calling her ‘the bad guy.’ Nonetheless, we must get back to the Queen in case Gaia strikes again.”

“You shall not leave!” a voice rang out.

Professor Xavier looked up and around. “Sargon?”

Our hyperspace approach

Flying through hyperspace, we approached the sector containing the leviathan. And save for the occasional uproar of maniacal laughter or sudden crashing of metal crates, our journey was basically without further incident.

From my seat in the cockpit, I stole another glance over at Professor Xavier. He was still staring out through the glass at space warping around us. He certainly seemed occupied, but of what I couldn’t tell. Interesting how the one man in this galaxy who could possibly read anyone’s mind keeps his own thoughts and feelings so closely guarded.

“Hungry?” I asked.

“No thank you,” he answered pleasantly.

I shrugged and took a bite out of a protein bar. I crinkled up my nose and put the rest of it into my pocket when I realized what that thing tasted like.

“We’ll be pulling out of hyperspace in just a few minutes,” I said. “The plan is to enter real space on the other side of the system from where the leviathan was last seen. Don’t want to pop up right in front of the thing. That energy weapon it’s got is something else.”

“I concur, Jon,” the professor replied. He sounded like he wanted to add something, but instead he just clenched his jaw shut.

We decanted out of hyperspace and I brought up the scanners to search for the leviathan. My equipment was having troubles zeroing in on the ship, though.

“That way,” Professor Xavier pointed.

I oriented the ship in that direction and aimed my scanners. In short time, I was able to bring up the living ship onto my screens.

“Fascinating…” I murmured.

“Indeed…” the Professor concurred.

“Hey Jonesey, how’s come you stopped the boat?” Mojo the Monkeyboy hopped into the cockpit, took one look at the screen and his jaw dropped. “Holy jumpin’ crimenelly!”

“You said it,” I added absently. “I’m on a vector towards it but I’m still worried about that thing’s energy weapon. I don’t know how we’re going to contact that thing either, maybe a singing telegram.”

Though we were still on the other side of the system from the organic ship, we had a good look at it on the viewscreen. It was impressive to say the least. The ship was drifting; aimlessly it seemed, towards an asteroid field.

“What is it doing?” I wondered out loud. The Professor just shook his head slightly. The monkeyboy, for once, was standing there quietly.

Suddenly my sensors started pinging noisily.

“Energy levels are going off the scope!” I announced.

Energy began to visibly build up around the great ship, it then discharged onto one of the largest of the floating rocks. Energy caressed it for a moment, then the asteroid exploded in a bright flash.

“Whoa!” I shouted.

“Impressive…” the Professor added.

“I’m not so sure we should be running up to that thing to say hello,” I concluded. “That weapon looks even more dangerous up close.”

“Continue along this vector, Jon,” Professor Xavier assured me. “We will not be harmed on our approach.”

“I don’t like it,” I countered. “That thing can turn us into French fries faster than you can say ‘Freedom Fries.’”

“Do not worry about the weapon.” the Professor kept his eyes on the image of the leviathan. “She will not fire it at us.”

“She?” I asked. “So it’s a she? How do you know?”

“Because, Jon.” The Professor looked at me. “I am in contact with her.”

Mojo looked up at me.

Reluctantly, I snapped my pistol back into its holster.

“What’s up, space jock?” Mojo the Monkeyboy grinned inanely.

Is everything all right back there? I “heard” Professor Xavier mentally calling to me from the cockpit.

“Yeah, it’s OK!” I yelled back. “It’s just Mojo.”

Mojo the fat, extra dimensional villain or Mojo the Monkeyboy sidekick-wanna be? he inquired telepathically.

“The monkeyboy one, unfortunately,” I sighed.

“Say pal, have we met before?” the creature cackled. “What brings you here?”

“The question is what brings you here?” I returned.

“Oh, I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for that,” he assured me. “See, I was hopping off to your office to take care of your goldfish when I suddenly thought of something: How many goldfish am I taking care of? Then I thought Where does Jon keep the fish food. Then I thought how much should I feed these fish. Then I thought how much is too much. Then I thought what if I feed the fish too much and they die, would Jon want to know or would he want me to just secretly replace them just like in all those TV shows. Then I thought if I kill them, can I eat them? Then I thought—”

“OK OK,” I interrupted. “So how did you get here?”

“Oh, I bounced back to ask you and then I saw you throw that grumpity-lookin’ fellow off and then you stepped away from the hatch and then I hopped in to ask you but then you closed the hatch and went to the front of the ship and then I was going to follow you but then the ship shot up really, really fast and I fell back into all this stuff,” he answered. “And here I am, ta da!”

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers.

“Alright, alright,” I said. “I don’t want to hear anything else.”

“You mean I get to come along?” he batted his eyelashes. “Chum?”

“Yes,” I answered exasperatedly. “We’re on a tight schedule and can’t go back but this mission’s too important to be goofing around. You can stay, but you need to stay right here at all times. Got it?”

“Got it caught it dot it slap shot it and squat on it, my pally-o-pal!” he answered gleefully. “I’m going to stay right here and – whulp!”

I don’t know how he managed to do it, but somehow he went tumbling off to the side and crashed into a mop and bucket. I didn’t even realize that I had a mop and bucket on board the Danger Sled.

“Ooops!” his chortle echoed through the bucket on his head. “Did I do that?”

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers again.

“Stay right there, Mojo,” I ordered. “Don’t move. Don’t say a word.”

“But I—”

“Shhh!” I hissed with my finger to my lips. I spun on my heel and stalked off back to the cockpit with my fists balled.

“Is everything all right, Jon?” Professor Xavier asked.

“No.” I tried to contain my frustration. “I have a monkeyboy who snuck onboard just as we were taking off and is now crashing around the back of my ship.”

“Relax, Jon,” Xavier tried to soothe me. “It isn’t that bad. He probably won’t even bother us on this mission.”

“Oh don’t count on it,” I said. “You don’t know what it’s like to have an obnoxious thing like that bouncing around you all the time.”

“You may be surprised to hear this, but I do,” he answered. “All heroes at one time or another must face a trial such as this. Don’t let him bother you and it will be all over before you know it.”

“You may be right,” then I paused. Something dawned on me. “Say Professor, If you’re a telepath, how come you didn’t detect his presence when he hopped on board?”

“Jon, have you ever tried reading a book that had absolutely nothing written on the pages?”

In space, no one can hear you meme...

We were flying through hyperspace and everything seemed fine. Professor Xavier was in the copilots seat looking out at space bend and fold around us. He sat there expressionless, but allowed myself a chuckle. The Professor looked over at me and raised an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“That psionic wedgie.” I chuckled. “Man, I’m still laughing.”

“Yes, well of course I don’t find it very civilized to cause harm onto another being,” said the Professor. “Though upon occasion, I will begrudgingly make an exception.”

We still had another day or so until we reached the sector of space that leviathan was occupying. I stretched a bit and yawned. Despite what Hollywood may tell you, space travel isn’t always very exciting.

With little else to do, I queued up my InterN.E.T messages. Oh, looks like Private Hudson sent me a meme. Surprise surprise.

1. Grab the nearest book: So here’s my dilemma. Do I open up a really good book such as Tales of the Unexpected and post that even though I am not actually reading that book right now? Or should I actually post text from a book that I actually am reading. Actually. What about copyright issues? I’d hate to be sued for infringement. Anyway, I’ll just ignore that threat for the moment and since we are on the cusp of (American) football season, I want to post a quote from Walter Payton’s book Never Die Easy.
2. Open the book to page 123 (I don’t actually think it’s this page, bear with me)
3. Find the fifth sentence. (I don’t think it’s actually the fifth sentence either)
4. Post the text of it and the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.

“I want to be remembered as the guy who gave his all whenever he was on the field.”

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag three people. Any suckers, er, takers?

A small jolt nudged me back to what I was doing.

“That was disconcerting,” Professor Xavier said. “Your ship here isn’t going to break up in hyperspace is it?”

“No no,” I replied while checking the readout. “Just a little hyperspace turbulence, it’s nothing to be worried about. Statistically speaking, flying through hyperspace is the safest way to travel.”

“I do believe that I’ve heard that before,” Xavier replied. “Though I believe it was without the ‘hyperspace’ part.”

“Traveling through hyperspace isn’t like dusting crops, Professor.”

“Oh now I see that you’re just trying to get to me,” the leader of the X-Men answered. “How would you like a psionic wedgie?

“Mmm, I think I’ll pass,” I answered. Our chuckling was interrupted by a crashing noise in the hold. “What was that?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “Perhaps the turbulence knocked some of that equipment around.”

“You’re probably right,” I told the Professor. “Nonetheless, why don’t you stay here, I’ll go check it out.”

I moved to the back of the space plane, there I saw a small pile of metal boxes on the deck. From behind one of the boxes a shadow shifted.

I drew one of my blasters from its holster.

“Who’s there?” I demanded. “Come on out.”

The figure stood up. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“Mojo?”

“How you doin’ my best fwend foh evuh and evuh?”