Monday, July 02, 2012

Poetry Poetry, how do you like my Poetry?

It's not as mellow as Longfellow, but it's poetry. 

So the proverbial gauntlet has been thrown down.  Look up your Google search history and write a poem on it.  So I looked up my history and made an epic ballad with the results that are fit for human consumption.  I hope you enjoy it.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

How Much Did You Pay For That Super Villain Life Style?

Well, your henchmen uniforms look shiny and costly.
How much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzzi?
And how much did you spend on your secret mountain lair?
With computers, a death ray and awesome command chair?

Now destroying armies with rays from above,
Sometimes from countries that you haven't even heard of.
And how much did you pay for your super villain t-shirt
That proves you were there,
That you blew them up first?

How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
Ah, tell me.

How much did you pay for that glowing MacGuffin,
The one you ruthlessly stole from that ancient seer?
And how much will he pay for a brand new MacGuffin,
One which he’ll obviously lose at the start of another show?
And how long will the secret agents keep liberating the new ones?
As long as their gadget cars are red, white, and blue ones.
And how long will the secret agents keep liberating the new ones?
As long as their gadget cars are red, white, and blue ones.

Ancient black hoodoo and homespun voodoo,
Fembot schemes and mind control pills.
Your sanity pays dearly now for evil magic moments,
But rock on completely with some brand new components.

How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?

Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them.
Your chaos won't convert them.
They're so happy to rebuild it.
You'll never really kill it.
Yeah, excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking,
You're drinking,
You're drinking what they're selling.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Wolverine Sure Does Like His Pizza

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

Intergalactic Update

Hey hey all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Don’t worry, I’m not dead yet.

(Go to this site to hear Not Dead Yet by the Bad Examples. Ties it up nicely, doesn’t it?)

Anyway, I’ve been around but I’ve been super busy. For some reason, I decided that going to graduate school would be a good career move. Yep, I’m getting my MBA – Masters in Beating up Aliens.

So my first class was Introduction to Managerial Mathematics, and let me tell you it was tough. Barbie was right, math is hard! It was difficult for me but math has always been difficult for me, I passed though and got a very solid 81.75%. I have now moved on to my finance class and that’s hard too! Fortunately, when I get this done, I won’t have to worry about math ever again, right? Right?

Since I’m not dead yet I’m hanging out over at the Straight Dope message boards. And since I’m over there, I figured I’d make an Ask the Intergalactic Gladiator thread. And I will tell you this: It’s guaranteed to be entertaining or double your money back!*

* Offer not valid on planet Earth. Please consult your owner’s manual before attempting to claim double your money back. Offer may contain peanuts, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while claiming your money back. Do not use while sleeping. Edited for television. No other warranty expressed is implied. Please consult your physician before obtaining double your money back. Do not taunt Double Your Money Back. No purchase necessary, please submit receipt to enter. Keep in cool, dry place. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. This message represents the official view of the voices in my head. No animals were harmed by this guarantee. Offer void in Australia because those kangaroos think they’re so special, don’t they? Do not read warranty backwards. Do not sign here, for internal use only. Do not put warranty in mouth or anus. Do not use warranty while dispensing gasoline.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Yo Joe!

Hey everyone, check out my new post over at Company Apprentice where I interview for a job with none other than Cobra Commander himself. Can you believe it?

You can?

Can you believe he just kicked a dog like that?

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Don't Stop reading My Posts

Good evening to all my Junior Intergalacitc Gladiators out there. If you guessed that I have another post over at the Company Apprentice, you guessed right.

“Hi, I’m Richard Head and I’m an alcoholic.” The second executive shook my hand. “And we’ve got to be honest with you, we’ve got a lot of shows in the works. You’re really going to have to wow us today.”

“We need you to engage us with synergy!” Margeaux added as she pushed her hands together. “We’re looking for something with pizzazz – but not too much pizzazz, we need something that people will want to watch. Something that will put money in the bank.”

“Of course,” I answered. “That’s why I would like to show you Team One: Criminal Intent.”

“Hmmm,” Richard rubbed his forefinger on his upper lip. “Isn’t there already a similar show to this?”
Head on over to the post and check it out. Stick around while you're at it, there's a lot of good stuff going on over there (mostly from Team One, I admit).

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Read my post, you will

Hey ho everybody, I'm still kicking it over at the Company Apprentice. This week we have a very special task guest judged by non other than Master Yoda himself!

“Good afternoon, Yoda,” Nepharia greeted the Jedi Master. “I am Dar*ahem* Nepharia, the El Jefe for Team One and this afternoon we would like to show you our multipart plan to bring more tourism to Dagobah. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has been working on the advertising campaign and I believe that he has a presentation to share with you at this time.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Yoda,” I stretched out my hand towards him.

“Remember you I do,” the diminutive wizard spoke. “Sing to me that lame song you have and crash into my backyard in your spaceship you did.”

“Heh heh, yes of course,” I chuckled.

If that doesn't get you itchin' to read the full post, I don't know what will! Go on over there and check it out.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Read My Post again!

A great good afternoon to all my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators out there on the InterN.E.T. I'm still chugging away on The Company Apprentice, in fact, I'm the El Jefe for this week's task.

Check it out:

“And so I think this week’s task we’ll have the perfect opportunity to—” Professor Xavier paused. “Jon, are you listening?”

“Sorry, dude,” I replied. “Every time I hit F5 on my Wristcomm, it plays that Money song.”

Professor Xavier and Nepharia looked at each other. “Have you been drinking again?” she asked.

“Jus’ a little,” I pinched my fingers together and squinted. “I’m a’ight… really. You smell nice. Brrrrrrup.”

What happens next? Read it here!