Monday, July 30, 2007

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, A Man of Action

A lot of candidates like to talk. They like to talk about the issues and about policies. The issues, it seems, are a lot like the weather. You can do a lot of talking about them, but you can't do a whole lot about them.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is your man of action. He is the man who has compiled a winning record as a combatant in the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment (formerly the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation), he is the man who single handedly stopped Captain V'oss and his space pirates, and he is the man who brought the Jango James gang to justice at Laramie Outpost.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is the man of action who you need in the White House to cut through the talking, cut through the red tape, and cut through the inaction and get things done.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message.

Friday, July 27, 2007

My Campaign Thus Far

My fellow Americans, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator here and I just wanted to thank you for visiting today.

Since my recent announcement of my candidacy, the response from the people has been so overwhelming, so positive, that's it feels quite humbling.

Many people from all walks of life are now standing up and saying that they too want a better America and that they too want an America that they can truly believe in and I say yes. Yes, we can have that. The dream can be a reality!

I have also recently announced my campaign manager, gotten together campaign materials, and even held a town hall meeting to get my message to the people, but there is still much more work to be done.

My opponents also are running strong campaigns and will not give up without a fight. That's why I still need your help. On this day, as you visit my campaign headquarters, remember to state your support in the comments section. Just make a simple statement like "I support you, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator," or "I believe in a better America, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator," or even "Hi Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, Michele sent me."

With your support, we can make a better America.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Town Hall Meeting

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Thank you everyone for having me here tonight. This is going to be an open discussion, so all questions are welcome. The first question will come from our esteemed Washington correspondent, Miss Clara Peller. Clara?

Helen Thomas: What is this, some kind of a joke?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: No. No joke.

Helen Thomas: Well then what makes you think you'd make a good president?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I couldn't be worse than what's in there now. Next question.

Professor Xavier: What is your position on subsidized daily back massages for educators?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Sounds like a great idea, sign me up.

Wolf Blitzer: What is your plan to decrease America's dependence on foreign oil?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: My plan has several factors, but the basic premise is to motivate our scientists and engineers to create new and safe sources of energy.

Wolf Blitzer: How do you plan to motivate them?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Free stuff. I know scientists love free stuff, I know I do. My administration will offer all kinds of free stuff to scientists like lunches, T-shirts, and LED key chains. Scientists will eat that stuff up.

Recent College Graduate: Hi, I'm a recent college graduate and I am worried that I won't be able to get a job because companies are now outsourcing to India.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: To be fair, the citizens of Indiana need jobs, too. Ever wonder why they're called Hoosiers? That's such an odd word. Hoosier. Hoosier. How does one "Hoose" anyway?

Recent College Grauate: Not Indiana, India. All the jobs are going overseas.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Oh, that India. Jobs going overseas is bad because it takes jobs away from people who need them right here in the United States. In my America, jobs will be available for all. A chicken in every pot and an Internet in every garage, I say.

Blockade Boy: My dear friend Storm Boy’s gay marriage to Dynamo Kid ended in a not-so-gay divorce. What’s your position on gay marriage?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I think all marriages should be gay but unfortunately they're not. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and commitment from all parties involved and I remember when my wife and I were first married, it wasn't gay at all. She just graduated from school and was student teaching, I had a low-paying job and we had to move into a small apartment in the ghetto. With a lot of hard work, though, our marriage is a lot happier now.

Blockade Boy: I have a follow-up question from Storm Boy. He wants to know if you endorse the use of a time bubble to prevent, say, a disastrous marriage from happening in the first place.”

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I cannot recommend the use of time travel in situations like this because of the potential for disaster outweighs the chances of success. It's like in that movie Timecop, Ron Silver touched a younger version of himself and then he went "Ahhh" and melted. Traveling to the past and touching yourself is rarely a good idea.

Bill Kurtis: Good afternoon, I'm Bill Kurtis. Would you care to comment on your service record? It appears that you missed several of your weekend drills while you served in the Army Reserves.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I served honorably on active duty for three years until the end of my Term Of Service. I then joined the Reserves and served for another three years until I graduated college. While in the Reserves, I did serve faithfully and was even a key component in a real-world mission. After the three years, I transitioned into inactive reserves for personal reasons.

Bill Kurtis: I'm Bill Kurtis. You are quoted as saying that you were kicked out of the Army for the good of the country, would you care to elaborate?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I may have said that once. I thought it was funny at the time.

Pothead: Heh heh, you ever smoke pot, man?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: No. In college I had opportunities, but I never smoked marijuana.

Pothead: Heh heh, yeah, but I heard that they used to call you the Happy Hairy Highfather of Hippytown. Heh heh heh. That's funny.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: What? That's ridiculous. Why would anyone call me that?

Pothead: Heh heh heh.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Next question.

The Question: Are you going to keep the goverment policy going that connects Alien abductions with meta human fights In Area 51? It's all part of Micheal Jackson's sinister plan. Will you keep working with him and KFC if elected?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I am sure that all of these events are unrelated.

The Question: What about the secret cabal that reaches all the way back to ancient Egypt that, in cunjunction with Major League Baseball, puts flouride in the water in order to track us with satelites?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Uh... Next question.

Morgan Spurlock: Do you want to see me eat nothing but McDonalds for a month?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: At this time, I would say no.

Morgan Spurlock: How about Taco Bell Grilled Stuffed Burritos?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I would really prefer not to.

Morgan Spurlock: What if I hook a car battery to my nipples. Do you want to see that?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Next question.

Snowman: I have a very important question about global warming. What do you plan to do to reduce it and ensure that my son has a long and happy life?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Well of course, global warming is bad. I would like to refer back to my plan to motivate scientists to discover alternative energy sources.

Snowman: Yes, but it's so hot. Help me. Hellllp meeee....

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: You do realize that you are in a studio, right? The lights in here are blazing. Hey, are you OK?

Snowman: .....

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: That's all the time we have today, everyone. Thank you all for participating and don't forget to vote.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


My wife is great. Last night I told her that I was running for president and she said "Of what, Intergalactia?" Yeah, I can't wait to get her on the campaign trail and giving speeches about how rock music melts your brain or something.

Anyway, the campaign buttons that I ordered came in and they look really nice except for one problem.

I wound up ordering another box of the corrected version. I suppose that I can still use the original buttons, I'm not sure for what though.

My next post will feature my town hall meeting. Stay tuned, Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators!

But before that, make sure and check out the Super Cool Blog Alliance because they endorse me. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, the choice of a new generation!