Sunday, July 22, 2007

Running some ads

Seeing as how I’m running for president of the United States, the first thing I need is a good campaign manager. There’s only one person I can think of when I think good campaign manager, and that’s Professor Xavier.

Professor Xavier is a well-traveled man of education. His unique gifts give him foresight into what people want and need and he is a great listener. In fact, you might say that he can hear what people say even before they say it.

“Now Jon,” the Professor advised me. “The first thing you need is some good campaign ads. You need to really come out of the gates strong here. You need to show people something that will push their decisions away from the other candidates and towards you.”

“I know what you’re saying, Professor,” I answered. “But I don’t want any negative ads. I don’t think that attacking my opponents is a good idea, you know. I want to keep my campaign positive and stick to the issues.”

“Of course, of course,” he assured me. “We won’t run any negative ads.”

Sleestak comes from a place called Land of the Lost.
Land of the Lost if full of semi-evolved lizard men who want to take over our country.

That’s right, these lizard men want to come to our country and take jobs away from hard working Americans like you.

And who is going to pay for your doctor’s visit when a lizard man stabs you with a flint-tipped spear? That’s right, you pay.

So a vote for Sleestak is a vote for an unholy invasion of horrifying healthcare sapping lizard men.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

Dr. Zaius likes to stand on his record as an ape of science, but what kind of science is he an ape of?

Where Dr. Zaius comes from, humans are routinely experimented on with horrifying results.

In fact, Dr. Zaius himself experimented on humans, caged normal men and women like animals, treated them like pets, and drenched them with high pressure water hoses.
Do you want your president drenching you with a hose and performing experimental brain surgery on you?

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

Dr. Smith endangers small boys.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein wants to be your president, but what kind of a president would he be?

A president who will routinely make a mess out of the Oval Office, that's who.

And when he makes a mess in the White House, guess who foots the bill for the clean up. That's right, you will.
If you want the White House treated like some sort of big joke building, vote for Monkerstein, but if you want it treated like a place where America will once again attain greatness, vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.


Bathroom Hippo said...

I endorsed you.

? said...

The truth abou the candidates had to come out sooner or later.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

You have my vote. I was going to vote for Dr Zaius, but after that super ad, I've changed my mind.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Lies, all lies. You offer nothing but lies for America. Go back to your evil glactic outpost and spread your lies there.

Professor Xavier said...

I certainly wouldn't call those ads negative. We're actually doing an important public service by telling people like it is. The public deserves to know the secret agendas behind these other canidates. You be derelict in not telling them.

I say bravo, Jon!

Three cheers!




Julie O. said...

Is there some sort of Evil Genius/Superhero/High Functioning Amphibian watchdog group to factcheck all these various political ads?

I am but a simple human.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Bathroom Hippo: Thank you for your endorsement. Clearly I am the choice of a new gerneration.

Question: You're right, the truth shall set us free, right?

Captain Picard: Thank you, but don't forget to register.

Dr. Monkerstein: They're not lies, they're 99 and 44/100% pure wholesome truth.

Professor X: Thank you, it's good to hear from the voice of reason.

Julie O: I do believe there is a watchdog group, they're called the Colonial Marines.

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

Sleestak: ewwwwwww!

Skywalker said...

You got my vote.

Evil Spock said...

You do realize that your POTUS reign is but a mere placeholder for Evil Spock/The Collective in 2012. Be forewarned, the monkey has already said he would step out of the way.

By the way, you write way too many blogs! How do you find the time?

Plus I guess a link exchange is in order since I'm trying to be fair and balanced.

Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...

Jon, if I was old enough to vote, I would vote for you.

SamuraiFrog said...

In my capacity as Dr. Monkey Von Monkenstein's campaign manager, I must tell you that your anti-Monkerstein ad, though colorful, is merely slander and lies and assumptions folded into a lemon pie and smeared in the face of the American voter.

Strictly off the record, however, I must say your campaign manager is doing an incredible job...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

DJK: I'm with you there.

Skywalker: Thanks. Don't forget to register.

Evil Spock: We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Who knows where I'll be in 2012, I could be dead -- or in jail.

Summer: Thanks for your support, nonetheless. If there's anything that I can do about your legal voting age (like say, invite you up to Chicago to vote...), just let me know.

Samuraifrog: Mmmm, I like lemon pie.

Karnov said...

Sorry Jon. I think I will vote for Locutus. Resisting would be futile.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

In my test focus group (me, TK 420, and E775)it was determined that the "Dr. Zaius" ad was teh best and had convinced teh focuse group to vote for Dr. Zaius and work to kill all the other canidates.

Great Modivating Ads. The best I have seen since the Vader "Join me or i'll cut off your freakin' hand" series.