Jon's 200th post spectacular

Art Linklighter: Welcome to Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's 200th Post Spectacular. With special guest, Private Hudson! The Intergalactic Gladiator Dancers! Plus a very special guest! And now... heeeeere's Johnny!

[Camera shows Jon and Hudson sitting on stools]

Jon: Thanks, Art. Perhaps after that intro, you should speak with the copyright lawyer.

Art: Will do, Jon!

Jon: So, Private Hudson, we were just about to speak of your own exciting adventure here.

Private Hudson: That's right, Jon. You were off on Big Brother: Naboo, and it was up to me to hold down the fort, in a manner of speaking.

Jon: Right. And it all started with you being called before the Comandant of the Colonial Marine Corps.

Private Hudson: Right. General Puller. And he layed into me with a string of expletives that would make a Orwellian longshoreman blush. But then he frocked me to corporal and gave me a secret mission to perform.

Jon: You and he picked a squad, trained, and went on a mission to steal space gold from Baltizar, one of Galactor's middle managers.

Hudson: Things got complicated when Private Maggot cracked, then Baltizar kidnapped Officer Huxley.

Jon: Is that where you soiled yourself?

Hudson: No. It was sweat.

Jon: Right.

Hudson: Really.

Jon: And so, you chased Baltizar to the rooftop where you apprehended him.

Hudson: That's right. I got the bad guy and I got the girl.

Jon: So where is Huxley?

Hudson: Well, I had to let her go. Women don't understand me. I'm a loner, a rebel.

Jon: Unfortunately, you yourself were apprehended and taken to the Joint Chiefs.

Hudson: Which I walked away from, squeaky clean, and with a brand new Certificate of Appreciation.

Jon: Well, that was exciting, but we have something even more exciting for everyone.

Hudson: Wow! Say what could that be, Jon?

Jon: You'll see, right after this.

[The Intergalactic Gladiator Dancers come out and dance a routine]

Jon: That was great wasn't it?

Hudson: Wow, that one redhead had really great, uh, legs

Jon: Right, but now we have our own very special guest, from her flagship Galaxy One, Queen Galacta!

[Applause, Queen Galacta appears on the viewscreen behind the two]

Queen Galacta: Gladiator, We are very happy to see you again.

Jon: It's great to see you, too.

Hudson: Hey, it's great to see you, too.

[Queen Galacta rolls her eyes]

Queen Galacta: Yes, it is good to see you, too, Hudson.

Jon: You also got to visit here three times yourself.

Queen Galacta: Indeed, Gladiator. Of course, I am very busy, but I read your adventures every morning. We are very happy for the opportunity to appear here as well.

Jon: Thank you, your Majesty. We are very happy to have you here as well. Queen Galacta everybody.

[The image fades out to the applause of the audience]

Jon: You know Hudson. We've had a lot happen around here and there's only one thing left for us to do.

Hudson: And what's that Jon?

Jon: We have to sing!

Hudson: You got it!

We've had some fun
We've had some thrills
We've had some kicks, some chills, some spills
I never would have gotten through it without you, my friend
I never would have made to the end
I never would have gotten through it without you, my bud
It would have gone off like an unexploded dud
Hey! Who are you calling a dud?
Not you, my friend.

We've had some pows
We've had some booms
We've had some whams, ottomatepias and some oofs
I never would have gotten through it without you, my chum
An awful big mess, it would've become
I never would have made it without you, my friend
I never would have made it without my M41A Pulse Rifle, with 95 rounds in the clip, an over-and-under thirty millimeter pump action grenade launcher. It electronically fires 10 X 24 mm caseless cartridge rounds and has a compass in the stock. What?

[together] I never would have made it, never would have made it, with... out... youuuuuuuuuu!

Jon: Thanks everybody and goodnight!

Art: Jon's 200th Post Spectacular was brought to you by the IGE Network, Buzz Light beer, and the Naboo Naboo, Naboo tourism board. Naboo Naboo, Naboo, the city so nice they named it thrice.

Jon's 199th Post Spectacular

Art Linklighter: Welcome to Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator’s 199th post spectacular. And here’s your host, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!

[audience applause]

Jon: Thank you, thank you. It’s great to be here. Say Art, I haven’t seen you since my 100th Post Spectacular, how’ve you been?

Art Linklighter: Well, I lost a bundle at the track and my wife left me, Jon!

Jon: Well, I’m glad to see doing well. You’re looking good.

Art Linklighter: Thanks, Jon. Think I could sleep on your couch tonight?

Jon: Hey anything could happen.

[Turns to audience]

Jon: And just about anything did happen during my adventures here from post 101 to now. After a super funny post about all the wacky, wacky comments that I get, I quickly jumped into the action when the Queen of the Galaxy visited Earth. After showing her all of the great things to see on Earth and stopping some space zombies, I uncovered and stopped a traitor working against Queen Galacta.

Art Linklighter: That certainly was an exciting adventure, Jon!

Jon: Boy, I'll say, Art. But the excitement didn’t end there, did it?

Art Linklighter: Oh no it didn’t.

Jon: Right. From there, I had a few quick posts about a goofy high school kid, my daughter’s fascination with the S-word, and a meeting with Dr. Destiny. After that came the Count Vampire saga, which culminated with a showdown at Count Dracula’s castle.

Art Linklighter: Oh, but it didn’t end there, did it, Jon?.

Jon: Rrrr, no it didn’t, Art. The conclusion of the saga actually featured me giving a goth kid a severe wedgie.

Art Linklighter: You wedgied him good didn’t you?.

[laughter]

Jon: Yeah, well not my proudest moment. I think he learned his lesson, though.

Art Linklighter: You know, you weren’t the only one having some exciting adventures on this blog.

Jon: You’re right. Jo Jo the Monkeyboy might be gone, but somehow I got myself another sidekick.

Private Hudson: Hey! Who are you callin’ a sidekick?

Jon: Ladies and gentlemen, Private Hudson.

[applause]

Private Hudson: Ha ha, hey I know you’re kidding. How’s everybody doing?

Jon: You know, Hudson, you had your share of action here, didn’t you?

Private Hudson: You bet, Jon. After showing my heroism as an Agent to the Queen, I decided to stick around a bit and show you my stuff. My second visit was a review of the movie Starship Troopers.

Jon: Hey is that movie a documentary or fiction?

Private Hudson: I just assumed that it was a dramatization of real events, like a Lifetime movie, but without Judith Light and her giant shoulder pads.

Jon: Ha ha, oh Hudson, you crack me up. You also got a chance sing about your former girlfriends as well as go speed dating.

Private Hudson: Yeah, well, the less said about that the better.

Art Linklighter: Jon, you have one more adventure to talk about tonight.

Jon: You got that right. Up next was the Evil Jon saga. Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord’s attempt at revenge was something indeed.

Art Linklighter: The Queen recruited you again to stop Galactor’s plans.

Private Hudson: And I was there to lend a hand.

Jon: Probably one of my favorite chapters was where we found the map of Galactor’s castle tattooed on the technomage’s body. I mean, it was good except for the part about the lieutenant dying.

Private Hudson: Stupid REMF.

Jon: Then there was the showdown between myself and my evil counterpart.

Private Hudson: Don’t forget about my key fight with mine.

Jon: Say, we’re talking about my blog, here.

Private Hudson: Oh yeah.

Jon: I do have to admit, though, that you played an important role in that series.

Private Hudson: I sure did, it was game over for my evil twin.

[Audience laughter]

Jon: You have a point there, [to the audience] the point on his head.

Private Hudson: Hey!

Jon: And you also got your moment to shine when I went off to compete on Big Brother: Naboo.

Private Hudson: You betcha.

Jon: And we'll talk about that tomorow!

Private Hudson: Aww.

Art Linklighter: Tune in tomorow for Jon's 200th Post Spectacular!

[applause]

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 3, or Jon's 100th post spectacular

The audience remains in stunned silence as the Monkeyboy bounds through the curtains. Like a champion pugilist, the Monkeyboy shakes clasped fists in the air -- first to one side, then the other.

Jon: Wait a minute.

Monkeyboy: Howya doin' bwauth?

Jon: You're just a bit smaller than Jo Jo and you're clearly a lefty, not a righty. You're not Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, you're his brother MoJo.

MoJo: You got that right daddy-O. Who wants a banana daiquiri?

Jon: No thanks.

[Uncomfortable pause]

Jon: So, what brings you here?

MoJo: Oh, I'm just here representing the Monkeyboy clan. We were a very important part of your past few months worth of posts!

Jon: That's a part of my past few months that I'd rather not remember.

[MoJo ignores the comment and continues.]

MoJo: Your first post featuring my brother was here. You were offering fighting tips and you didn't have any to offer against Jo Jo. I gotta tell you, buddy boy, you're silly. You know Monkeyboys are lovers, not fighters! Hoo hoo ha ha ha!

Jon: Yeah, I don't know how to respond to that comment.

MoJo: Hoo hoo ha ha hah hah! You slay me, Jon. We have a little tape for you, buddy-o!

Art: Let's roll the tape.

Memories like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or that time has re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...

The way we were...

The way we were...

Art: Well, that was just...

Jon: ...Bad...

MoJo: Thanks! We had some third-year students at MIT-S put that tape together! Hoo hoo ha ha!

Jon: OK, MoJo, one last question.

MoJo: Shoot, Bilbo Bebop!

Jon: Why did you use Jo Jo's catchphrase?

MoJo: Oh that was just a swerve. Don't worry, You still my bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!

Art: MoJo the Monkeyboy everybody!

[The audience applauds in a sort of "Thank God it's over" way. MoJo walks off stage smiling and blowing kisses to the crowd.]

Art: Well that was exciting. Say Jon, are you ready for the final guest?

Jon: The last guest? Man, it seems like we just started.

Art: Well, we have a little bonus for you, the final guest is actually a group. Take a listen to this...

Voice 1: I almost had that damnable Earthling beat, but then he ripped out my cybernetic eye.

Voice 2: Ngraaaar! I will destroy him and everything in my way!

Voice 3: Megataur superior, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator inferior.

Voice 4: And so I says "It's time to burn, baby, burn!" Yeah!

Voice 5: I'm a gonna pounda you good, eh?

Voice 6: Nrgraaarrr! Smash boom bam! Ngraaarrr!

Voice 7: Ha ha ha ha! Of all of my cohorts here, I am the one who holds a win over Jon! And I'll do it again! Burble burble!

Voice 8: I smash him good! I disintegrate stupid comedy relief sidekick! Ha ha ha ha!

Jon: Well, that sounds like all of my opponents that I have faced and written about in my chronicles.

Art: That's right, let's bring out Lord EyeBorg, the colossal Rngarnghk, Megatuar, the New Killer Bomb, "Muscles" Marinara with his girlfriend Margarita Pisa, Freh-dee Mars, Octopus Prime and Abi the Butcher!

[The combatants come out onto stage elbowing each other and growling.]

Jon: Well, this is nice, all of my enemies here to see me.

Lord EyeBorg: Don't worry, Earth scum. Of course, all of us want to see you dead, but we all signed a no-compete clause with Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment. We can't do anything against you here.

New Killer Bomb: That's right, that's right I said you're gonna burn and burn real good, I says, but not tonight, baby! Yeah!

Jon: OK, that's nice.

"Muscles" Marinara: So we're going to all sing to you instead!

Megataur: Bring out all guests for song.

[Starkey, Captain Picard, Yoda, Fluke and MoJo all return to the stage, joined by the Beast, Professor X, J'onn Sinew Nu, Captain Dion X. Machina, Fiddy Cred, the Baroness, Captain James T. Kwirck, The Colonial Marines, Staley Da Bear®, Buck Rogers, Larry and Jake Bob Orkon, J J Jawa, Lieutenant Falcon and Princess Leia. Everyone on stage begins to sing.]

Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Does whatever an Intergalactic Gladiator can
He can fight all the time
For what's right and a rhyme
Hey there, there goes the Intergalactic Gladiator Man

Is he strong? Listen, bud
He's got A positive blood
Can he fight on Fire Isle?
Take a look at his personal file
Hey there, there goes the Intergalactic Gladiator Man

In the chill of night at the scene of a fight
Like a streak of light, the Danger Sled will take flight!

Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Friendly Intergalactic Gladiator, man
Fame and glory, he's ignored
Saving the Earth is his reward
To him, life is a great big slog
wherever there's a funny blog
You might find the Intergalactic Gladiator Man!

[Audience applauds; gives standing ovation]

Jon: Man, that was the biggest piece of sh--

Art Linklighter: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, that was "This is Your Life!" Good night everybody, see you next week!

The music starts, credits roll, and everyone on stage shakes hands and hugs each other.

Jon The Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 2

Art: Welcome back to the show, I'm Art Linklighter and with me today is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Jon, are you ready for your next guest?

Jon: Sure am. Who's up next?

Voice: This one a long time have I watched. All his life he looked away... to the future, to the horizon, to those dirty magazines under his bed. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. An Intergalactic Gladiator craves not these things.

Jon: I'd recognize that voice anywhere. That's Master Yoda.

[Yoda slowly hobbles out on onto stage with his cane, then drops it and pulls out his lightsaber. He ignites the weapon and goes through several quick moves. Each move is faster than the last, culminating into a spinning ball four feet in the air. The audience applauds with approval.]

Yoda: Thank you, thank you. Mr. Linklighter, for many years have I wanted to come on your show and perform. Now complete the circle is.

Art: Well, that was great. The audience surely enjoyed it, didn't you?

[Audience cheers]

[Applauding]Jon: Master Yoda, that was really something.

Yoda: Several times has the Intergalactic Gladiator and I crossed paths. The first time, he disturbed my vacation at my home on Dagobah.

Jon: You know, I seem to recall some sort of "Force" damaging my ship and drawing me to that planet. You then thought that I was someone else.

Yoda: interrupt your elders do not. Second dealing with Jon this was, sing a very lame song for me he did. Very annoying it was.

Jon: Well, I copied and pasted the only song about you that I knew. You seemed happy about it at the time.

Yoda: harrumph, capricious the Force makes me. When 800 years old you reach, see how much that song you like. Shortly thereafter, visit the Jedi Temple he did. Sing at the Temple Lounge he did, sing that song again he did. Very annoying this was.

Jon: You didn't like the show?

Yoda: No, afraid not I am. A rip off of your act at the Ten Forward that was, and a bad rip off of Bill Murray's lounge lizard act that was.

Jon: I see your point, Master Yoda. But don't you think you're being a little grouchy about it?

Yoda: Little? Little? A joke about my stature that is? Judge me by size, do you?

Jon: No no, I just thought you were being a bit of a grouch is all. I'm not trying to be a pig, you don't have to get all gonzo on me. The next time that I perform at the Jedi Temple, I assure you that I will not sing the Yoda song.

Yoda: Thank you for that I do.

Art: Yoda, ladies and gentlemen.

[Applause]

Art: Jon, are you ready for your next guest?

Jon: You bet. Who's it gonna be?

Voice: Howya doin' bwauth?

Jon: .....!
[Audience gasps]

To be continued on Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's 100th Post Spectacular...

Jon The Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 1

Art: Hello, I am Art Linklighter and welcome to "This is Your Life." Today's special guest comes to us from a planet called Earth, but he works on Hacknor where he entertains thousands of beings as an Intergalactic Gladiator. So let's give a big This it Your Life welcome to Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!

[applause, Jon steps through the curtains first bewildered by the crowd noise, then laughs and walks up to shake Art's hand]

Jon: Oh my God, I never expected this! I can't believe that I am here!

Art: Well, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, it should come as no surprise to you that you have many fans out there on the INTERgalactic Network of Engineered Transmissions.

Jon: Yeah, I call them my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators.

Art: I know, but do you know who this voice belongs to?

Voice: Battling alongside Earth Jon is good, yes? You are a worthy ally!

Jon: Why that sounds like my good friend Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm.

Starkey walks onto stage; he and Jon clasp hands.

Starkey: Remember good dinner I made for you? It was delicious and good, no?

Jon: No, uh, yes. It was something all right.

Starkey: Hey, you have not made good post of your good friend in long time. You must write of our adventures again, yes?

Jon: Good idea, maybe I could write about that one time at Flagnar V.

Starkey: Oh no! That was too crazy, no talking of that night for you and me! Ha ha ha!

Art: Well, that was just great. How about a big round of applause for Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm. Say Jon, are you ready for your next guest?

Jon: Sure am.

Art: Well, then listen to this!

Voice: It is the great unknown that brings humans here! Numbah one, engage!

Jon: That commanding presence, that deep baritone, that voice can only belong to one man: Sean Connery!

Captain Jean Luc Picard steps out on stage feigning anger, then quickly drops the facade to shake Jon's hand.

Picard: I know Jon well, as well as being frequent commentors on each other's blogs, we have visited each other a time or two.

Jon: Ah yes, you showed up naked at my home once and you left your photo album behind. I had to return it to you.

Picard: Ah, yes, that was an unfortunate and dreadful incident. I assure you that it would not happen again.

Jon: You know, you even invited me to sing at the Ten Forward, then stiffed me when it came time for payment. He said that my check was in his other uniform.

[Patting around his uniform tunic and pants] Picard: Looks like I forgot my chequebook once again. Aha, well, of course we humans of the 24th Century have evolved past the need for money.

Jon: Yeah, evidently your uniforms have evolved past the need for pockets as well.

Art: Jean Luc Picard, everybody. Let's give him a big round of applause. Are you ready to meet your next guest?

Jon: Sure, let's do this.

Voice: Remember, remember that one time when we went bronto tipping and I totally fell and got all goosed with mud?

Jon: Fluke?

[Fluke Starbucker stumbles through the curtains, raises the blastshield of his helmet to give a goofy and sheepish grin, then stumbles over to where Jon and Art are standing.]

Fluke: Hey Jon, what's up?

Jon: Not much, hey you know I'm on "This is Your Life" right now?

Fluke: Oh, yeah, that's so cool. Hey, remember that one time you fought Jabba the Hutt?

Jon: Uh, Fluke, that was you.

Fluke: Oh yeah, that was something. Hey, remember when you got The Mighty Might He Bite Me and you took Sprok as your Number One (snicker) and then you did stuff and then you were cured?

Jon: Again, that was you, Fluke.

Fluke: Oh yeah, that was way cool, too. How about, how about that time you tried to come out on stage and then you were like all caught up in the curtains and stuff?

Jon: Fluke, you just did that! [Gestures to curtains]

Fluke: Oh yeah, I had trouble seeing 'cuz of the blast shield and all and stuff.

Jon: Have you been eating Qui-Qon and JJ's Brownies?

Fluke: Heh heh heh ha ha ha ha heh heh. No, why?

Art: We'll be right back after these messages.