Splotchy's Story Meme

Merry Christmas, all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators. I know you’re all just itching to find out what happens next but I’m going to take a slight detour to particiapate in Splotchy’s story Meme. Read on, true believers!

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours. Splotchy

The Apple

The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)

I couldn't believe my eyes. Surrepticiously, I tried to establish, without giving it away, if anyone else had seen what I had. For ten years I had been looking for that box. What looked like an ordinary cardboard box to most contained something most precious. Only by the small golden "P" was I able to identify what I was looking at. (Freida Bee)

How the box got here, or how I happened to be on this bus with it now--these questions were immaterial. I just had to get that box. The bus slowed to a stop, so I steadied myself. Just as I was about to make a grab for the box, however, it moved. Someone else was picking it up to take it away! I had to stop her! (Dguzman)

"Ack!" I expclaimed. "Unhand my box, Madam!" But my woeful cry was to no avail as the woman with my box had already turned her back to me, and was quickly walking down the aisle towards the door. Oh, cruel fate! The woman with my box was escaping! I hastily grabbed my valise and nudged my way past the other passengers to get to the front of the bus. (Zaius)

The woman was already out the door by the time I reached the front of the bus. I aimed for the door myself only to see it close right in front of my face. I turned towards the bus driver and gave him my best sheepish, innocent looking shrug. He replied with an impatient grunt but pulled the lever anyway and I was out the door in a flash.

“Excuse me ma’am,” I said as I grabbed the woman by her shoulder. “I’m sorry but I believe that you have my box there.”

“Your what?” she replied in a shocked gasp. “No, this is my box. See, it has this P on it, that stands for Persephone. That’s me.”

“I really must insist,” I insisted. “If you would just open the box and look inside, I’m sure that the contents will show you that it’s mine.”

“I’ll do no such thing. You’ve got a lot of nerve, mister.”

Just then, I looked up as the bus began to pull out into traffic. There, looking out of the back window was a small boy armed with an impish grin and proudly holding a cardboard box with a golden “P” on the side.

I hereby infect the following: Professor Xavier, Captain Picard, Dr. Nemonok, MWB, and Wolverine.

Dogfight!

I was upon Dr. Nemonok’s stealthship in no time. I quickly intercepted it and fired at it with my ship’s cannons.

“Dr. Nemonok, this is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” I called out over the radio. “Surrender your ship and you will not be destroyed.”

“Very well, Gladiator. There’s just one thing… this!”

“Nice try, but I marked you with those last shots,” I replied. “Going stealth won’t hide you from my sensors.”

“That is quite the sneaky trick, old friend. I suppose that I will have to dispose of you the old fashioned way.”

Nemonok’s ship turned over in the air and he fired his own energy weapons at me. I dodged and weaved and avoided the retaliation, then let him have a few more shots to let him know I mean business.

“I’m serious, Nemonok,” I announced. “Land your craft or I’ll force you down.”

“You won’t knock me out of the skies so easily, fool. You do realize the precious cargo that I am carrying, don’t you?”

“I imagine that it’s a couple cans of dome wax for that big jar of yours.” My comm system pinged my with another message. “Hold on.”

“What? You’re in the middle of aerial combat with me and you just decide to take another call?”

“I said hold please.” I clicked him off and brought up the message. Why it’s a meme from that fowl dog of an ape, Dr. Zaius. I suppose that I have no choice but to answer it.

* The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.

* Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.

* At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. Ten years ago I was:

Well, I wasn’t an Intergalactic Gladiator, that’s for sure. I was merely gladiating for state and local municipalities.

2. Five Things on Today's To Do List:

Hmm, get Paxton to daycare.
Get Kiera to school.
Get to work
Do work
Get home

3. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:

I would produce Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: The Movie. Come on, you know you’d want to see that.

4. Three Bad Habits:

I am awfully cluttered. I’m not a slob per se, but there’s just a lot of stuff that needs to be cleaned up.
I sometimes get annoyed with some of the characteristics that my daughter Kiera displays despite the fact that they’re very much like my own.
BrickBreaker on my Wirstcomm.


5. Five Places I've lived:

Chicago, IL; Charleston, IL; Istanbul, Ft Bragg, NC, Ft. Gordon GA

6. Five Jobs I've had in life:

• Intergalactic Gladiator
• Single Channel Radio Operator/ Satellite Radio Operator/maintainer
• PR Intern
• Inspector of Weights and Measures for the State of Illinois
• Pizza delivery
Let’s see, who shall I tag? Novi, Professor X (I know you’re just a brain in a jar right now, just do your best), Vegeta, Captain Koma, and Ciera.

With that little bit of business out of the way, I turned my full attention to my dogfight with Nemonok, only to discover that there was some sort of energy bubble envelop my nemesis. Before I could do anything else, the craft completely disappeared off my scopes.

Blast, he warped away.

Frack

I was still on Ellis Island trying to figure out my next move. From Cyclops, I go the lowdown of what was happening at Xavier’s Institute. Apparently my old friend Dr. Nemonok (and by old friend, I am being sarcastic, of course, I can’t stand that bodiless bastard) had absconded with Professor Xavier’s brain, Captain Koma had teleported there and was now fixing some sort of contraption to Xavier’s brainless body to control it until… Until when, I don’t know. I assume we’ll just have to get that brain back and get it into his body. I can help out with the first part of that, of course, but the second isn’t exactly my forte. I’m not what you’d call a brain scientist.

Somehow, this seems like some sort of lame episode of some bad Sci Fi show.

My thoughts were interrupted by the pinging on my Wristcomm. I looked at the message and saw that it came from TX. Dammit, she’s that fracking cyborg Terminator from the future. She tagged me with a meme?

Frack. I quickly wiped my Wristcomm and zugged it out completely. If she gets into this thing, who knows what kind of a nuisance she’d be. Fortunately, my Wirstcomm syncs with Outlook on my ship’s maincomputer. I’ll lose all my messages and contacts on the device but at least I’ll be able to reload them.

Here we go.

The rules:
Must post the rule.
Must link back to the person whose blog-birthday it is...
Must post comment when you are done

What to do:
Fill out the following:
01] I loathe Sky.
02]Sky is a cybernetic pestilence.
03] If I were in a room with Sky, I would ask her if she wants a glass of juice.
04] I think Sky should log off.
05] Sky needs nothing really, I think.
06] I want to do the Charleston with Sky.
07] Someday Sky will forget to recharge her batteries.
08] Sky reminds me of a Terminiatrix and Species smooshed into one.
09] Without Sky teh intenets would be safe.
10] My memories of Sky are filled with dirty, dirty thoughts.
11] Sky can be a real lasertronic technothelonic abdoirnoix.
12] The worst thing about Sky is that whole evil Terminator thing.
13] The best thing about Sky is that good side she sometimes shows.
14] I am sometimes partying with Sky.
15] One thing I would like to know about Sky is who does her hair?
16] Sky should go and return to the future.
17] Sky lusts after me
18) What I like best about Sky's blog is that scrolly thing at the top.
19) What I dislike about Sky's blog is it wants to sing to me, what is this mySpace?
20) My favorite post from Sky is her blogversary.

Queen Galacta: Seven Things Meme

I do not believe that I have ever filled out one of these “meme’s” before. As you all know, administrating this galaxy keeps me very busy. My advisors tell me that participating in these may actually bring me a little closer to my subjects; therefore it would be my pleasure to give this a whirl, as I believe the expression goes.

1. It is generally known that the great King Galacton IX was my father and Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord is my brother. What many citizens of this great Galaxy do not know is that I had another brother, Galacto IX. Unfortunately, Galacto died unexpectedly just as he reached adulthood. Though medical professionals were not able to determine the cause, his body had several mysterious centimeter-sized energy burn marks all over it.

2. Father always did like me best. This infuriated Galactor to no end. I do not know if this is what caused him to turn evil or not but I did find it amusing at the time. IT would be regrettable all the evil he has brought to this galaxy because he was not father’s favored.

3. Normally I was very well behaved when growing up but there was one occasion in finishing school where I got all the girls to clear their throats in the middle of class all at the same time! As you could imagine, the consternation brought to Lady L’shlyr by our actions was truly unforgettable. Of course I have curtailed my rebellious streak since then, but oh the thrill those few moments brought me.

4. I love hot dogs. There is nothing like sticking a hot and juicy “footlong” dripping with mustard and onions in my mouth. You can’t get them anywhere but on Earth.

5. Like all evolved members of the galaxy, I abhor violence. Even so, I understand that it is occasionally an only option. I have even led my fleet into combat upon occasion, the The Battle over Planet Hel, for instance.

6. Sometimes, when the burdens of an entire galaxy and the concerns of the billions upon billions of people weigh the most heavily on me, I miss my weissponig tremendously.

7. Yes, these are real.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: Seven Things

Jon tagged me with this Seven Things Meme. I think you all know what’s up with it by now, so here we go. First the rules, then the seven things.
List seven random things about yourself that people may not know.

Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.

Post the rules on your blog.

Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I am originally from Earth. Yes my name really is Jan O’Mega. Whenever I meet someone from Earth somewhere off of Earth they always say something like “Small universe, isn’t it?” No it’s not, the universe is vast and nearly infinite. Comments like that make me want to punch them in the throat.

2. I used to bulls eye womp rats in a T-16 on Tatooine. I’ve scored more kills than you-know-who.

3. I flew for the Terran Confederacy for a while against the Kilrathi. I scored more kills than a certain wing commander.

4. I also flew a Mark II Viper for the Colonies. I scored more kills against the Cylons than a certain lieutenant. Boy did she bitch about that.

5. I beat the Kobayashi Maru. I told a certain someone how to beat it, too, and Starfleet made him a captain.

6. I first met Jon on the Orion Express but to be honest, I had been a fan of his for quite a while before that. Don’t tell him that though, I’d hate to see it go to his head.

7. I won the Pegasus Elite in a card game. I kept it by punching out the previous owner when he tried to take it back.

Hudson's 7 things

Yeah, so Jon tagged me with this Seven Things Meme thing. This should be fun ‘cuz I bet there’s a lot that you people don’t know about me.

Here are the rules, list 7 things about yourself that people may not know. Link the person who sent this. Post the rules on your blog. Tag seven people.

1. I was actually born and raised in Texas, not some futuristic space outpost where all the inhabitants are super handsome and awesome.

2. When I was younger, a doctor said I was bipolar. Pfft, whatever that means.

3. I wasn’t originally gonna be a Colonial Marine. I first went to rodeo clown college but got kicked out in the middle of my first semester. It’s all politics in rodeo clown college.

4. You probably already know that I’m a qualified expert with the M41A Pulse Rifle, M56 smart gun, M4A3 and M240 flamethrower, but I’m also fully qualified to operate the remote sentry gun and the M577 APC.

5. I’m not just some moronic grunt who does things moronilly, I’ve got an artistic side, too. I wrote this great original song for our squad. It goes like this:
If there's something strange
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

If there's something weird
and it don't look good
Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

I ain't afraid of no Bugs
I ain't afraid of no bus

If you're seeing things
running through your head
Who can ya call?
BUGBUSTERS

An giant bug
sleeping in your bed
Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

I ain't afraid of no bugs
I ain't afraid of no bugs

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

If ya all alone
pick up the phone
and call
BUGBUSTERS

I ain't afraid of no bugs
I here it likes the bug
I ain't afraid of no bug
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

If you've had a dose of a
freaky bug baby
Ya better call
BUGBUSTERS

Lemme tell ya something
Bustin' makes me feel good!

I ain't afraid of no bug
I ain't afraid of no bug

Don't get caught alone no no

BUGBUSTERS

When it comes through your door
Unless you just want some more
I think you better call
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUNGBUSTERS

I think you better call
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

I can't hear you
Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

Louder
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

Who can ya call?
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

When I told the LT it would make a great song for our squad, he said he’d think about it.

6. I once shot a man just for snoring too loud. True story. Game over for him, man.

7. I am awesome in everything that I do. Scientific fact.

I tag noone just because I am just that awesome! Take that you stupid meme council or whoever is in charge of these things. Check that, I am in charge of this thing so stick it up a bug’s but! Ha ha!

Seven Things Meme

My confounded presidential candidateial opponent Dr. Zaius has tagged me with the 7 Things Meme. The rules are posted below thusly:

List seven random things about yourself that people may not know. Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours. Post the rules on your blog. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

OK, hang on everyone.

1. I am the youngest of three. My oldest sister is kind of a hippy type, my middle sister is the preppie type and I defy description.

2. I played percussion in junior high and high school. I really wasn’t that great on drums, but I rocked the crash cymbals like few others.

3. My first pet was a tan and white mouse that I named Nobella. I had a plan to figure out how to get rid of nuclear waste by shooting more neutrons into it (why hadn’t anyone thought of that before?), creating more energy and stabilizing the products of the reaction. Surely for this, I would win the Nobel Prize. Hence the mouse’s name.

4. I have a slight case of tinnitus in my left ear from when I was a Wild West gunfighter the summer between high school graduation and when I went into the Army. We had earplugs, but I couldn’t hear dialog with them in, so I would loosen the left one to hear my cues.

5. People occasionally say that I kind of look like Commander Riker. It may be because I grew a beard between seasons one and two, or it may be because I gained 20 pounds between seasons one and two.

6. The first time I said “I love you” to my wife, I was sitting on the floor of a woman’s bathroom at a local bar and she was sitting on my lap. Yeah, I know I’m Captain Romantic.

7. My wife and I got pregnant with Kiera at a red dress run at the Waukesha Hash. I was dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl (and I looked spectacular). When we got pregnant with Paxton, I wore the same outfit to a Halloween party. I still looked spectacular, but I had my goatee by that time and it was quite an addition to the costume. The outfit is available for rental to couples looking to conceive.

Now For the devious part of the meme: I must tag seven people. Therefore, I tag Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Aviator, Queen Galacta, Agent Audrey Hanson, Dr. Nemonok, Professor Xavier, and Karnov.

Anyone check out WAAE's new album "They Do So" yet? It rawkszsz!!1!

I got this over at I, Splotchy, and it looked like an entertaining way to kill a few minutes, er make an entertaining post.


First, the rules:

Let's Make a Band:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover. You then take the pic and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your pic.



And so I am proud to show you:



My results came from:
WAAE, a religious radio station in North Carolina, though I think it does work as a one word name from some kooky foreign singer ala Bjork.
"Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so." From Bertrand Russell. In theory, the album should be Fact, They Do So, but I think They Do So is a little more concise and crisp.
The picture is Harlequin by Sarah Sitkin. She's got some cool stuff so check it out. Just don't tell her I sent you because I used the pic without her permission, but then again she shouldn't mind because I'm not making any money off this and from one artist to another, it really shows how I appreciate her work, right? Right?

Splotchy's Story Meme

I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)

"That's strange," I said out loud to no one in particular. My fingers slowly reached towards the jar again. My body experienced a wave of apprehension as weighted blanket covering me as I did so. The jar was completely frozen.

I picked it up and stared at it, my fingers stung with little knives of chill. "What the..." again I spoke aloud. Then I realized what had happened with a shock. Suddenly the jar flew from my hand. It shattered creating a collage-like mixture of frozen applesauce and glass shards on my kitchen floor, the lid lazily rolling to a stop across the room.(FranIAm)

I half noticed at first glimpse that there was something odd amidst the solidified apple sauce as I reached for the broom and the dust pan. As I knelt down to clean up the frozen mess, I could clearly see a tiny figure within the goopy mess. It was a human eye, with tiny arms and legs! I resisted my initial urge to pick it up with my hand, and then reached down to scoop it up with the dustpan. The eye looked up at me in horror and gave out a frightening high pitched screech as it ran for the living room.

I was dumbfounded by this turn of events. I didn't even like applesauce - And I had guests coming for dinner! It would not be proper to have a homunculus eyeball running around during the appetizer - I had to think fast. I crept into the living room so as to not startle the small creature. The eyeball was under the coffee table, peeking out from behind one of table legs. When I approached, it quickly darted under the couch!

I got on my hands and knees to look under the couch, but I could not see the eye through all of the old newspapers and dust bunnies that had accumulated under there. I had to hurry! the guests were coming at seven o'clock, and I had not even started the buffalo chicken skewers with blue cheese dipping sauce yet! Not to mention the couscous and the broccoli noodle salad. (Zaius Nation)

I shook my head and leaned back against the wall. Surely this couldn’t be happening, surely there isn’t an anthropomorphic eyeball running around under my couch. It just couldn’t be real, could it?

“Ahem,” a little voice squeaked. “Ahem.”

I looked all around for the source of the voice. I finally found that it was from the eyeball peering around the back of the couch. I leaned in and looked at it closer. It still appeared to be uneasy (I mean, I’m sure that’s how it appeared, but then again I’m not all that certain about behavior patterns of walking eyeballs.

“Did you say something?” I asked it.

“You’re not going to poke me are you?” it asked. “I hate getting poked.”

“Uh no,” I answered dumbfounded. “I won’t poke you.”

“And you’re not going to lock me away in a jar of applesauce are you?”

“No, I’m not going to do that,” I replied, still bewildered by the sight in front of me.

“OK.” He made the eyeball equivalent of a nod, hitched up a pair of nonexistent trousers, adjusted the chimerical hat on his head, and walked up to me. “I am forever in debt to you, sir, for freeing me from the confines of that jar.”

“OK, sure,” I smiled lamely. “How’d you get in there?”

“The evil wizard trapped me in there,” he answered. “He knows the only way to trap a geneye is to use a jar of applesause.”

“You’re… you’re a geneye,” I managed to blurt out. I may not get the appetizers done, but this may be one heckuva party anyways.

“At you service,” it bowed. “And to thank you for freeing me, I would like to reward you with two wishes.”

“Oh, so you’re like a genie.” It all started to make sense to me now. No, not really.

“Yes,” it rolled its eye. “Like a genie, only we’re geneyes. They sure do know how to warp a good story in Hollywood, don’t they?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, again dumbfoundedly. “So I get two wishes? What about three?”

“Ugh!” the geneye slapped the top of its head, or the top of its eyeball at least. “You get two. Two. Only two. That’s how it works. And no wishing for more wishes, we’re onto that. Aladdin tried that once, it wasn’t pretty.”

“OK, so I get two, let me think,” I said thoughtfully. Screw the party, this is way more interesting.

“Yeah, hurry up, I don’t have all day,” the magical homunculus eyeball tapped it’s foot. “I’ve got places to go.”

“OK, OK,” I answered. Well, I could always wish for a lot of money, except that never works in the stories. The villain always wishes for riches and gets trapped in the cave with the gold, or sent to the bottom of the sea with it or audited by the IRS because of it. As much as I’d like to pay off the mortgage, I don’t think I can.

“Well?” it asked impatiently.

“I want peace on Earth and good will toward men,” I say with a forfeiting shrug.

“Peace on Earth and good will toward men?” it repeated. “Is that one wish or two?”

“One,” I replied. “You know, ‘tis the season and all.”

“Nice choice,” it nodded. Then the geneye snapped its fingers. “It is done.”

I felt it. For one moment, I felt nothing but peace and joy all around me. Others felt it, too but no one would ever be able to explain it. All around the world, people stopped what they were doing and just enjoyed the moment. Evil men stopped thinking evil thoughts and just smiled nicely. The hurt, the sick, and all who were in pain be it physical, mental, or spiritual, felt the warmth of a brief reprieve. Bells rang. Angels sang. Then I felt it end.

“Hey, that was nice,” I said. “Why didn’t it last?”

“Come on,” the magical being snorted. “I’m not that powerful. You got one more wish.”

One more wish. What should I wish for? Hmmm.
This is an installment of Splotchy's Story Meme. According to Splotchy, "Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out." You can read all of the details here. I was tagged by Dr. Zaius. I tag the following people to continue the story in their own direction:

Captain Picard
Captain Koma
Novy
Blockade Boy
Professor Xavier
The Great Flukizmo

Hudson and the Hudson Detective Agency Players starring in "Call Me Hudson"

The night had enough precipitation in it for the pretty weather girls to go from calling it “drab” to “dreary.” I sat behind my desk and poured myself one more shot. The desk was mahogany and the shot was cheap bourbon. If only I were as strong as either.

The phone rang. I knew who it was even before I picked up the reciever. Charlie down at Joe’s coffee house and I go way back. Every Thursday I show up and he makes me dinner. At least one night a week I get a good meal.

My name is Private Hudson, I’m a complete dick. No wait, that’s private dick. I’ve been hammering out a living doing this for too long and eventually it’s going to catch up to me. Dying like a dog in the street over some cheatin’ dame ain’t no way to go. Now a blimp accident on the other hand – that’s a good way to die. Having the cab of a semi truck crash down on top of you, that’s another good way to die. Maybe not the way I’d want to, but it would make a pretty cool ending to a movie, I bet.

I was jarred out of my malaise by the phone ringing again. Like I said before, I knew who it was.

“Yellow,” I said into the phone after I picked it up.

“Hey Mac, what’ll it be tonight?” Yeah, it was Charlie all right.

“Pork chopsh and applesaucshe,” I answered. You have to say it the cool way so everyone knows you’re a 1920’s-style tough guy. “And don’t you skimp on the applesauce, either. You hear me pal?”

“Ha ha, I hear ya,” Charlie laughed back. “I’ll see you in ten.”

“Make it five,” I replied. “It’s deader around here than a mortician’s daughter’s bed on her wedding night.”

“You got it, Mac.”

“And don’t call me Mac,” I snapped back. “It’s too cheesy.”

I put the phone down and looked up to see a dame in the doorway. Normally, I’d say that dames were all trouble, but this one looked classy. As in classy trouble.

She sauntered up to me and leaned in close. Her hips bounced back and forth as she walked like some beautiful apple tied to a string and swung back and forth like some kind of appley pendulum.

“You got a cigarette, Sparky?” she purred.

“You know those things’ll kill ya,” I replied.

“I didn’t come here for the doctor’s report,” she snapped back huskily. “You got one or not?”

“Sure. Sure I got one.” I reached into my desk and pulled a pack out from the C-rations sitting there. Her ruby red lips quivered just a bit as she slid it into her mouth. I reached up with my lighter and she took a puff.

“I need a man,” she said in a near whisper.

“I’m all man,” I answered. “Don’t let that full page ad in Variety fool you.”

“The thing is,” she said as she puffed a cloud of smoke out of her mouth. “I need a real man.”

“If you want a real man, then I am your man.” I answered with just a bit of a smirk. Wow her legs looked good. They were wrapped in the sweetest pair of silk that I ever saw. And her can was really nice, too. Nice enough to make a man beg for buttermilk.

She leaned in close. I drew up out of my seat. Her full lips were pouty like a baby on Sunday. Her hair bounced off her shoulder in a cascade of raven.

Wait a minute, why do they call it raven? The Baltimore Ravens wear a lot of purple. Her hair ain’t purple. Not from what I can see anyways.

Anyway, her dark hair cascaded down to her shoulders and bounced just a bit as she moved in closer. She licked her crimson lips and drew a long, deep breath. Though I never commanded it to, I felt my body leaning even closer towards her. I felt all tingly inside like some confused kid seeing a pretty face for the first time. I better call Charlie back and tell him to hold off on my order of pork chopsh and applesaucshe.

“See, what I wanted to tell you was…” she trailed off and her face drew even closer to mine.

“Yeah?” I said. I could smell her perfume now. It smelled like lilacs. Or maybe petunias. Hell I don’t know, I’m not a botanist. It smelled pretty, and pretty expensive.

“That…” she said in barely a whisper.

“Go on,” I replied just as quietly.

“Stop doing this 1920’s-style detective shtick!” she yelled as she grabbed my cheeks with her hand.

“Ow ow ow ow! OK!” I gasped as the steel-like grip of her steel-like claws wrenched even harder into my cheeks.

“God, Hudson, you are such an idiot,” she growled through her perfectly clenched teeth. “I already did a noir style detective story three months ago for Next Top Hero.”

“Ow ow ow!” I said “OK! Stop squeezing my cheeks like this, it smarts.”

“You don’t know what smart is,” she said as she snapped my head back and let go. “You don’t know what pain is, either. You pull a stunt like this again and I’ll make you hurt so bad you’ll be crying in a bucket ‘til Tuesday.”

“Oh yeah, izzat so?” I asked. “Well maybe if you make it hurt real good, I’ll like it.”

“Shut up,” she rolled her eyes. With a spin that made her look like she was floating mere inches off the ground, she turned her back and her perfect ass to me and slid away towards the door. As the door slammed shut and I saw the sign on the front of it drop to the ground like a wooden body being dumped into the East River I could think of only one thing to say.

“Applesauce.”

"Call Me Hudson" courtesy of Dr. Zaius.
Pulp meme by way of That's My Skull.

middle name meme

OK so everyone seems to be doing this lame meme except for me. It’s like everyone is at the party and I’ve got my classic black tuxedo on with the combat boots all shined up and ready to go (plus my gold lamé jumpsuit on underneath, just in case I need to perform) and no one sends me an eVite.

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

W – Wealthy. If you mean love from my family, then I am very wealthy. If you are talking about monetarily wealthy, eh not so much.

I – Ingeniousness. The way I have used my wits to defeat my opponents in battle shows my ingeniousnessocity.

G – Generous. I am generous to a fault. If you come over to my house I’ll definitely give you a beer, maybe some chips too.

G – Gallant. Webster’s defines gallant as 1. Brave; daring; chivalrous. 2. Stately; imposing; noble. 3. Showy, gay, as in attire. That describes me to a T. Oh, it also says something about being chivalrous and attentive to women. That’s me, too.

L – Laugh. I love to laugh and totally be funny and stuff. Remember that one time when I said something hilarious and that one guy spewed his drink out of his nose? That was totally cool.

E – Energetic. It takes energy to defeat an opponent in the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment.

F – Funktastic. I think this is self explanatory. If it’s not, my wife often tells me that I’m funktastic, especially after a double bean egg burrito with extra onions.

O – Original. I’m one in a million. In a dime-a-dozen world, when the chips are down and the bullet hits the bone, the law of the land says that guys like me are few and far between.

R – Rock Star. My daughter Kiera just told me the other day that she thinks I’m like a rock star. It’s like the “innocence of youth” and “from the mouths of babes” all rolled into one.

D – Dangerous. I’m dangerous. To my opponents, that is.

So there you go. I tag nobody, if you want to do this, go for it.

Cleverly segueing to another topic, in my last post, JawaJuice left a comment that the Junior Intergalactic Gladiator helmets should come with those beer can holders. Well as a very wise man once said “Ask and ye shall receive.”

Junior Intergalactic Gladiator beer helmets are now available in fine stores everywhere. Thanks Double J for the suggestion, you get the very first one off the production line. These high quality items are made in the USA with 100% genuine American parts. No poisonous Chinese lead paint on these babies, they got American lead paint on them.

Fluke sounded like he was looking for one as well. I don’t know why, he’s got his own official Founder of the New Jedi Order wannabe beer helmet.

I jumped on a noodle because I'm sexy and I do what I want.

This is like life imitating art or something. Here I am using all of my animalistic sexiness to jump all on some rigatoni when Karnov's meme happened by. Take a look:

Work the 3 tables below, then: type out the sentence you end up with in the subject line of a blog post and copy this text. Also, link back to the blog you read it on. DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING ALONE!

Pick the month you were born:
January-------I kicked
February-----I loved
March--------I karate chopped
April----------I licked
May---------- I jumped on
June---------- I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena With
August-------I had lunch with
September---I danced with
October------I sang to
November----I yelled at
December----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11---- ---my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18---- ---a spoon
19------- a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a surfer
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink----------because I'm NOT crazy.
Red-----------because the voices told me to
Blue----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple--------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1 ,000,000 dollars
Orange --------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown ---------because I can.
Other---------because I'm a Ninja !
None----------because I can't control myself.

Now type out the sentence you made and put in your subject line and copy the text of this post.

Don't forget to link back to the person that tagged you!

Update Update

OK, so I'll get back to my super exciting story about that darn Level VII robot contraption in a moment. But first, I wanted to make sure that all my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators are following Last Gladiator Standing II. The first challenge was just posted and it's an exciting one for sure.

One other thing I wanted to show you was a few comics from my collection. Normally I don't read those pulpy romance stories, but I found a few in the quarter bin the other day and I just couldn't pass them up.


She loves me? Aw, isn't that sweet. Sorry, no time for love lady, I have a galaxy to save!



Hmm, looks like our heroine has a bit of an odd fetish going on there.



Sometimes a woman loves a machine more than anything else.

Credit to Sleestak and his Who Does Mary Love? meme. You can make your own, too!

The Queen's Musical Meme

It is very quiet aboard Jon's ship the Danger Sled. After he and Hudson got into a fight during Captain Picard's Christmas Party and got thrown in the brig, I gave them a queen-sized dressing down and now they can barely look at each other without nervously looking away.

Now, I am willing to admit that “boys will be boys” and that no real harm was done during the incident. I can’t let these two get away with trashing a starship lounge, however, and so I must maintain this angered appearance until we get back to Throneworld.

Of course, this silence is boring, I have nothing to do while I am sitting here. Therefore, since these other two boys did this musical meme, I shall do one as well. I have chosen the Queen’s Galactic Symphony Orchestra as my artist.

1. Are you a male or female?: Hail to the Queen Anthem
2. Describe yourself: Glorious and August Queen Galacta
3. How do you feel about yourself?: Reign of Happiness
4. Describe where you currently live: March to the Citadel of Hope
5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go: A Quiet Corner of the Galaxy
6. Your best friend is: To the Peoples of Her Galaxy
7. Your favorite color is: The Power of Magenta
8. You know that: The Queen is a Very Nice and Benevolent Ruler Who Understands the Needs of Her People and They Deeply Appreciate Her Kind and Long-Lasting Administration (OK, I admit that I commissioned that song just for this)
9. What's the weather like?: Gentle Snow Falls on the Citadel of Hope
10. If your life was a television show, what would it be called?: Queen Galacta Has a Television Show (I admit that I commissioned this one as well. We do not have “television” here)
11. What is life to you?: Her Benevolent Rule
12. What is the best advice you have to give?: Believe
13. If you could change your name, what would you change it to: Galacta is Galacta

Well, that certainly was fun. It seemed rather easy as well. Many of those songs do describe me very stunningly!

Hudson's Musical Mystery Meme

If Jon can do one of these, then so can I. Mine's from the greatest arena-glam-pop-metal-prog rock band of all time, Queen.

Are you a male or female?: Mr. Bad Guy
Describe yourself: Bad Attitude
How do you feel about yourself?: I Go Crazy
Describe where you currently live: In the Space Capsule
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Stone Cold Crazy
Your best friend is: You're My Best Friend
Your favorite color is: Nothin' But Blue
You know that: Pain is Close to Pleasure
What's the weather like?: Thank God It's Christmas
If your life was a television show, what would it be called?: We Are the Champions
What is life to you?: Don't Stop Me Now
What is the best advice you have to give?: Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rockin' World Go Round
If you could change your name, what would you change it to: Flash

The Music Meme

Here's a Meme that I got from Karnov, it seemed a little tough when I started, but once I got going everything was copasetic.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions...
No repeats on songs!

Pick an artist: The Ramones. Yeah, I know, why didn't I use Weird Al Yankovic or Spinal Tap? That's a good question.

1. Are you a male or female?: Main Man
2. Describe yourself: Freak Of Nature
3. How do you feel about yourself?: I lost My Mind
4. Describe where you currently live: Planet Earth 1988
5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go: I Don't Wanna Go Down To The Basement
6. Your best friend is: My Kind Of A Girl
7. Your favorite color is: She Talks To Rainbows
8. You know that: Judy Is A Punk
9. What's the weather like?: Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)
10. If your life was a television show, what would it be called?: Zero Zero UFO
11. What is life to you?: Life Is A Gas
12. What is the best advice you have to give?: Take It As It Comes
13. If you could change your name, what would you change it to: Wart Hog or Animal Boy or Pinhead or Weasel Face or Ramona or The Crusher or maybe Spider-Man

I have been tagged again.

Karnov tagged me with another meme. Curse you again, Karnov. Curse your green, scaly hide again!

Here are the rules:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence or close to it.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 other people to do the same.

Become an official Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator! "3. Place the image in a button and stamp it together."

The post pretty much speaks for itself, it's a button you can make to become an Official Junior Intergalactic Gladiator.

I am willing to take volunteers for the tagging, any suckers, er, takers out there?