Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Lounging at the Jedi Temple

[Crowd murmuring, applause]
Thank you, thank you. My name is Johnny Warpten and I will be your entertainment tonight at the Jedi Temple Lounge. Boy talk about your traffic out there, I saw a 50 car pileup just outside! The only time I saw a worse accident was on an episode of C.H.I.P.s.

[Mild laughter]
Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars
Gimme those Star Wars, across the sky

Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars
Please let those Star Wars, stayyyyyy

[Mild Applause] Yeah, I know you've all heard that one before, I just felt like I had to get it out of the way, you know. Say, what's your name?

Aayla: I'm Aayla Secura.

Aayla, you've got me on my knees.
Aayla, I'm begging, darling please.
Aayla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

Let's make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell me all my love's in vain.

Aayla, you've got me on my knees.
Aayla, I'm begging, darling please.
Aayla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

[Applause]Thank you everybody. And hey, Aayla, be careful out there, don't ever turn your back on a clone trooper.

[Mild laughter] What's your name, what do you do here?

Yoda: Know me you do, Yoda my name is. On the Jedi Counsel I sit.

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A, soda

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
Y-O-D-A, Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

[Mild applause]
Yoda: Heard this song I have before, funny it is not. Deader than Exar Khun, Weird Al's career is.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Hello Dark Side, my old friend
I've come to fight with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Curuscant streets of durostone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

[Applause] Thank you, thank you very much. You know, we all have our struggles. Some of us are shy or have trouble passing the driver's license test. Others struggle with the temptations of the Dark Side everyday. Isn't that right, my friend?

Anakin: Dude, you are so whack. You're trippin, yo.

And who's your friend here tonight?

Padme: I am Senator Amidala. Anakin is my, uh, bodyguard tonight.

Anakin: Tha's right, yo.

Fly me to Naboo
Let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Alderaan and Mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you


Padme: Oh that was beautiful!

Anakin: Where the funk is "Mars?"

Don't worry about it, Annie. OK, everybody, I've had a great time but I have to take a short break. I'll be right back, though, so don't go anywhere. And don't forget to tip your bartender and waitresses!

[Jon leaves, but as the curtain closes, a familiar figure darts through it onto stage]

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he's a clown jumping up and down
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he's a crazy clown

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, driving across Texas in his Lexus
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he has a solar plexus

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, Evil Willow is a hottie eating a biscotti
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he's Jo Jo the Monkeyboy

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, when eating cheese he'll say please
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy watch out he might sneeze!

[Heavy booing, lots of garbage is thrown at the Monkeyboy and several lightsabers are ignited]

Ha ha, thanks everybody! Gotta go!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Bear Down, thusly, Chicago Bears

This past Friday, my wife (I'll call her Patricia) had a baby shower for her sister (who could not show up due to work, but don't let that stop a shower) and gave me the instructions to "Get Kiera and get lost." OK, it wasn't quite that, but that was pretty much the gist of it.
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After doing all her chores, Kiera deserves a night out...
So I was driving home, er flying home, from work trying to figure out what to do with the little girl for several hours so I decided to give my friend Jim a call to see if anything was going on.

"I'm not doing anything tonight," says Jim. "But I know that Jim has Chicago Bears NFL American Football tickets." Jim referring to our mutual friend who was also named Jim. Jim usually doesn't speak about himself in third person. Jim also didn't say "Chicago Bears NFL American Football," I felt obligated to explain what Bears that I am talking about.

I thought taking Kiera to a Bears game would be fun, but I wasn't so sure that I wanted to spend three hours with her crawling all over me in a sports stadium, so I called Uncle Paul. "Uncle Paul, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Just packing," He replied. He was going back to school in Pennsylvania in a day.

"Would you like to see the Bears game tonight?"


So I picked up Kiera, met up with Uncle Paul and we made our way to Soldier Field, home of your NFL American Football Chicago Bears. I do like Soldier Field because it kind of looks like a flying saucer crashed into a coliseum.

The opponents of the Bears were the Buffalo Bills.

In the wild, grizzly bears routinely eat buffaloes for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack, but on the frozen tundra of the National Football League's football competition, Buffalo often fields a superior American Football team.

Kiera spent much of the time crawling over me, wanting popcorn and generally acting squirrely on my lap. She did like watching the comic capering of Staley the Bear, though, and who doesn't like the dancing antics of a dancing mascot?

She also really liked the fireworks, which were fired off when the Bears scored a touchdown.

As the game progressed, Kiera started playing with the empty seat around us, but as it became late in the third quarter, the Bears were behind 2 points and were within the redzone, Uncle Paul and I grabbed her attention and told her that the fireworks would go off soon.

With the game on the line, the Bears pushed to the 5 yard line, then the 3. Paul asked if they would shoot the fireworks for a game winning field goal.

"They must," was my reply. "You can't return the fireworks at the store." Then I feigned looking for the receipt in my pockets.

Then with a 3 yard plunge, the Bears seal the victory and the fireworks are fired.

It was exciting, then we went home.

Wait, let me give it an interesting ending. Twelve Dark Ninjas rapelled from out of a hovering V22 Osprey and I had to fight them off to secure the National Treasure written on the back of the Declaration of independence. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Here's Jo Jo!

Howya doin' boss?

Man, I love saying that. I know lots of people who love hearing me say that, too. Ha ha, that's the first rule of being a comedy relief sidekick: Get a good hook and stick with it.

So anyway, I dig being with Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, he is really really cool and his spaceship is such a cool place to hang out with my buddies. All the other Monkeyboys are green eyed with envy at my status in the sidekick hierarchy.

So I got this awesome new song that I wrote, too. Check out these lyrics:

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he's a clown jumping up and down
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he's a crazy clown

The kids love the Monkeyboy, he's so cool he's no fool
The kids love the Monkeyboy, he's a Monkeyboy

You'll love the Monkeyboy, swinging to and fro, there he goes!
You'll love the Monkeyboy, Jo Jo the Monkeyboy

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, at the cabana, eatin' a banana
Jo Jo the monkeyboy, hanging with D.C. Fontana

Monkey Monkeyboy, Jo Jo bounds across the grounds
Jo Jo the Monkey boy, look at the Monkeyboy

I still have a couple of verses that I am working on! It'll be a killer when I'm finished! I have to go now, I'm providing the snacks for the weekly Monkeyboy card game. Bobo goes nuts for bananas and Spanky goes bananas for nuts! Ha ha!

Until next time, Howya doin' boss!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Hangin' out with the homies

This weekend, I'm just hanging out with a couple of buds from Planet Orkon. They're pretty cool, but all they want to do is drink brews and kick lawn flamingoes. Ah well.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

True stories of Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's youth

Once when I was younger, I really wanted to climb on the roof of our house. Don't ask me why, that's just something that a kid has to do sometimes. So I got my parents to let me go up to clean out the gutters. I cleared them out and sprayed them down and when I started to climb down, I slipped.

We had a two story house and the fall probably would have either killed me or made my life very miserable, except I got my leg caught in the ladder on the way down. The ladder then caught itself under one railing of the porch and over the railing on the other side. Caught up in the ladder, I hit some bushes, some very itchy bushes I might add, and hung upside down just a couple feet off the ground.

My mom and my sister managed to rush outside and hoist me down from my predicament. I was completely in a daze, but otherwise unhurt. I didn't know what else to do and so I sat on the couch shaking.

My father then started assaulting me with one terrible joke after another. All about ladders and falling off ladders and ladders falling or breaking.

Several minutes into this and I looked at him and said "Hey, I almost became a Ladder Day Saint."

My dad smiled back at me and said "You're all right."

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Go, Monkeyboy. Go!

I don't understand this. I guess that there must be a market for children's books about unfunny comedy relief sidekicks.

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Saturday, August 20, 2005

I Hate Sidekicks, Part Five

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to first introduce, From Atomic Planet M, the Most Dangerous Man in the Universe, The New Killer Bomb!
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(Crowd Boos as he enters the arena)

Announcer: And his opponent, from a little planet called "Earth." Jon!

(Crowd cheers)

Announcer: And Jon's Comedy Relief Sidekick, Jo Jo The Monkey Boy!

(Dead Silence)

Jo Jo: Howdee howdee howdee! Howya doin' boss?

Jon: Sigh.

The two combatants square up against each other while Jo Jo hops around them making "comedy relief"-type comments. New Killer puffs up as he inhales deeply and roars out flaming nuclear breath at Jon. Jon dives out of the way of the oncoming heat blast in the nick of time and launches a drop kick at New Killer. Jon's assaults seem to have little effect, but he continues with a flurry of punches and kicks.

Jo Jo: Hey ugly! I'm gonna splat you but good!

Jo Jo then launches himself at the behemoth, who grabs the little creature and throws him across the arena, crashing into a stack of Vibro-shields. New Killer follows up with a blast of nuclear powered breath. The crowd "Oh's" at the smoldering pile.

Jon gets behind New Killer and gets a choke hold on the monster. After several minutes, the creature is subdued. As the crowd roars, Jon rushes over to the pile of shields and starts tossing the shields aside. He uncovers a smoking Jo Jo.


Jo Jo slowly opens his eyes and looks up at Jon.

Jo Jo: Howya doin' boss?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


What do you think of my new ride, kids? Pretty sweet, huh?

Also, I didn't want to brag or anything, but here's a picture of me running the Shamrock Shuffle in Chicago earlier this year. How's that for a strong finish?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Get to know me

True Jersey Girl had a game going where she would think of characteristics of anyone who posted a comment on her blog entry. Even though she stopped playing the game by the time I posted my request to participate, I managed to meatball her into doing it for me anyway. I'll make it up her, though, I'll mention her in my blog. To fill out some space, I'll add comments as well.

1. Put your name in my comments, and I'll respond with something random about you. OK.

2. I'll tell you what song or movie reminds me of you -- Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys- That makes sense. Good choice.

3. I'll pick a color/flavor of Jello to wrestle you in (maybe) -- Galactic Grape - Another good choice. Not only is Galactic Grape delicious, it has the secret ability to fight side-by-side with two ships! Wait, that's Galaxian.

4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me -- Nothing - Don't worry about it. Things that I say rarely make sense to other people anyway.

5. I'll tell you my first memory of you -- God, this guy is giving me guilt and I don't even know him! Surely you have an earlier memory of me. Perhaps the time we fought bravely side by side against the Evil Hoarde? Wait, that was She-Ra

6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of -- Monkey- OK, now you're jabbing the liger (a liger is pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic. )

7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you -- Do you often write songs for Star Wars characters? Not normally. Usually I just copy and paste 'em!

8. If I do this for you, you must post this in your blog. You MUST. It is written. OK.

So there you have it, lots of fun from True Jersey Girl. Furthermore, if you like big hair and Motley Crue, you should definitely run over to her blog and give it a read.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Buying a new car

I've been looking at cars lately. My car is getting older and won't last too much longer. It's getting harder and harder to decide on what kind of car to buy, I think. They're all starting to look like bubbles with wheels and they're all getting very expensive.

I do know a place, though, that has unique vehicles, but they aren't necessarily at the best price. The owner loves haggling -- something I don't particularity enjoy, but it's something that many cultures embrace and so I am willing to slog through the process as he shows me what's on his lot.

"You'll like this one," he says. "It's modular -- you can take apart any part of it and put it back together."

"I don't think so," I reply.

"How about this?" He asks. "Very low mileage. A little old lady used to drive it only on Sundays to go to Toshi Station for church."

"It looks kind of beat up --"

"Oh you'll love this one! It's got Eight Leg drive, it'll go through any terrain."

"I don't think that's my style."

"OK, you would like this one. It was only used once, on a tacked-on scene in a subpar movie."

"Any reason why you're showing me a still from the movie where the thing is actually airborne?"

"OK OK OK, I have a deal for you! Talk about high performance! This thing's doors open up and it flies!"

"Wouldn't I fall out?"

"Fine fine. How about a car that transforms into a robot?"

"Not that one."

"A robot that turns into a scooter?"


"I have a fine hovercycle here. Comes with a life sized Dana Sterling doll"

"I'm not really a hovercycle kind of guy."

He grumbles quietly under his breath. "How about this?"

"A bit too 'Post Apocalyptic Future' for me."

The proprietor sighs. "How about a bicycle?"

"Hey, that is a nice looking bike"

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Telenet Guide helps you decide

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I Hate Sidekicks, Part Four

So I got back to the Danger Sled after a hard day at the office -- the office being unarmed combat at the Horizon Amphitheater on Fire Island 9. I open the door and I see a huge mess all over the cockpit and cabin.

"Howya doin' boss?" Asks Jo Jo the Monkeyboy. Hearing that is becoming more and more like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard.

"Heeeey, buddy!" Says another monkey.

"Ahoy ahoy, good Capitan," Says a third.

"Miggle miggle mffff! Cheese!" Screams the fourth.

"What is going on here? This place is a mess! What is this on the wall? Ewww."

"Oh, that's bananas and chocolate, boss." Says Jo Jo. "Here, let me introduce you to my friends here. This is Bobo..."

"Heeeeeyyy, budddy!" Bobo gleefully smiles.

"...And this is Cocoa," Jo Jo continues.

"Miggle mffffp! Thpppppt!" Cocoa says to me.

"And this is Spanky." Jo Jo concludes the introductions.

"'Tis a pleasure, good sir." The monkey offers a mashed banana-covered hand to me. I cannot shake it.

"My ship! How could you make such a mess in my ship?" I demanded.

"Oh well, boss, there's a funny story to that." Jo Jo explained. "See, Spanky here wanted to play some cards, so Bobo and Cocoa thought they would stop by, and you know, Cocoa just can't handle his banana daiquiris."

"Acccch thhhhppppptt!" chokes Cocoa and he threw a handful of something against the wall. The other sidekicks started screaming and jumping up and down.

"No no no!" I yell. "Everyone out!"

"But, boss!"

"OUT!" I point to the hatch.

Three sidekicks mumble and head out the door.

"See yah, buuudddy."

"very good meeting you, sir. Verily you have a wondrous ship."

"giggle therp. MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY! A ha ha ha!"

Jo Jo looks at me. "You know boss," he says. "in order for us to cultivate a good working relationship, you're going to have to let me into your ship sometimes. That's a metaphor."

I am inches away from his face, my teeth are clenched. "I am going to kick you in the face. That is not a metaphor!" I say slowly and angrily.

"See yah, boss." And with that, he leaps out the door.

Oh how I hate comedy relief sidekicks.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Happy 100th, Yoda!

Well, I wasn't going to do this, but since jumping on a bandwagon is the sincerest form of flattery, here we go.

Yoda, I wrote a special song for you. I hope you like it.

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S O D A, soda

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda"
Y O D A, Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I left home just a week before
And I've never ever been a Jedi before
But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course
He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force"

Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again
Though with my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

So I used the Force
I picked up a box
I lifted some rocks
While I stood on my head
Well, I won't forget what Yoda said

He said, "Luke, stay away from the darker side
And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed
But remember, if you kill him, then you'll be unemployed"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda I guess
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be playing this part 'till I'm old and gray

The long-term contract I had to sign
Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
With my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Merry Christmas, Yoda!
(Oh yeah, "Yoda" is written by Weird Al Yankovic.)

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Quiz time

OK, class, put your books away and bring out your number 2 pencils. I have a quiz for you. I hope it's easy and fun. Here are 10 questions about me. Do you think that you can get them all right?

Take my Quiz on!