Monday, September 29, 2008

God Bless My Underpants

God bless my Underpants
And when I get the chance
In them I dance
And when I take this stance
My package is enhanced
I saw you take a glance
God bless my underpants

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.
I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message.

“I’m not so sure this sends the message that we want to send,” Professor Xavier looked at me skeptically.

“Are you kidding?” I replied. “We’re going after the underpants vote and I’m going to get them.”

“I just think that it may be a little too personal,” he said. “Asking a candidate if he likes boxers or briefs is one thing but this seems to go a little too far.”

“I know I know,” I held up my hands. “It’s a little risqué, but it’s not like I’m up on a stage shooting bottle rockets out of my butt or something.”

The Professor looked at me.

“Have you shot bottle rockets out of your butt?” he asked after a long pause.

“I’d rather not answer that,” I replied.

“Still, I understand that at this point we need to reach out to different groups and I realize that we’re at a critical juncture in our campaign, but I don’t know. I just don’t think this ad is what we’re looking for right now.”

“Well I like it,” Emma Frost poked her head into the room.

“You would,” Xavier sighed.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Mr. E'S Secret blog post providing important information to you now

Good day to you all, I am Mr. E. Do not attempt to discern who my real identity is, cuz it will remain a mystery to all (get it, mystery, Mr. E?). I have commandeered this blog using my awesome haxxing skills (it was easier than programming a sentry gun, ha ha lol) to give you some very important information.

This information may come as a shock to you, but it is information that you need to see. These are for real true pictures of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin that are unretouched and un manipulalated.

Sarah Palin has lots of guns and she totally loves posing with her guns in a bikini. Remember that movie Tremors with that hot momma with all the guns in her basement? It's like that but only in Alaska.

Sarah Palin hates mooses. In fact, one time she shot a moose just for snoring too loud.

Sarah Palin was also the original Pink Ranger but then she was kicked out of the Power Rangers for shooting animals in the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center with the laser guns of her Zord.

Like I said these are all for real real life super true pictures that clearly show that Sarah Palin is a total nut. Now normally I like hot chicks with guns like this one time I saw this pretty lady on Arcturous XII and she had this huge gun and I'm all like "Hey baby, I'm Priva-- er, I'm Mr. E, wanna go grab a burger?" And then she was all like "Tee hee hee." It was something, I tell you.

Except when you're crasy and you have guns, that's not good.

I'm Mr. E, thank you and goodnight.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, Part Ten!

Here we go for another round, it's like a carrousel -- a carrousel of awesome!

Hotstuff the lil Devil wants to see a picture of him laughing at Megneto's helmet.

Iron Boy wants to see him, X23, and Hotstuff all in jazzercise outfits. OK, dude whatever floats your boat, man.

Keep those swell ideas coming, kids!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, Part Nine

OK, who's next? Bring it on, Khan!

Update! MWB wants to see Bush and McCain out on dates together. Now of course, these man-dates are strictly platonic because both Bush and McCain are married and we know that all good Republicans who are married do not engage in homosexual activities.
Here they are running on the beach together.

Here's the ice cream soda that they're about to share.

Here they are showing off the sweet new tats that they just went and got together.

And here's the baby seal that they are about to club together because it got all caught up in their oil spill. Bad baby seal! Stay out of George Bush's blood oil!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, Part Nine

All right kids, who's looking for an iDoodle? I got one for yah, right here.

Update! Dr. Zaius wants to see Freida Bee kicking Sarah Palin's butt. Which is as great a time as any to let you know that Jan the Intergalactic Aviator just met vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin over at The Amazing Mutant Race 4. Go check it out, OK.

OK, I'm not exactly sure if Frieda Bee would actually wear combat boots and fishnets, but I think it's hot. I mean, that's what I'd wear if I wanted to look hot kicking someone's butt like that.

Professor X wanted to see Jan the Intergalactic Aviator's ship the Pegasus Elite blow up Gambit while he's fighting a Wendigo. Coincidentally, you can also read about that in the Amazing Mutant Race 4!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, Part Seven

Ok, who wants an iDoodle? Come one, come all. Step right up folks, one size fits all satisfaction guaranteed all sales are final.

Update! Vince wants to see Gyrobo battling a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, PART SIX!

OK, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. I'm doing another week of iDoodles just for you. Send in your suggestions right now!

On Friday's post, Captain Picard asked how the high gas prices would affect the Enterprise. Well here you go.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Surf's Up, Dudes!

If there are two things in this world that I like, it’s a beach party and bacon. If you could somehow get the two together, well then I’d be in heaven.

That’s why when I heard that Dr. Zaius and Dr. Smith were having a beach party, I knew that I had to be there. Sure I got a little sidetracked along the way, but shortly thereafter I had my plate of bacon and I was on the beach.

Of course I got into my swimsuit; it’s this modest little number that I like to wear. I almost put it on backwards though, boy would I have been embarrassed!

Funny thing though is, I don’t see anyone here? Where is everybody? You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!

Ha ha, just kidding everyone. It was a swell party and I even got the chance to surf a little.

Hang ten dudes! And I know what you’re thinking, can I really hang ten? Of course I can, I have all of my toes. Six on one foot, four on the other.

Oh oh, is there some kind of horrible, radioactive monster from the bottom depths of the ocean going to ruin the party?

Naw, don’t worry about it. Nothing to see here.

OK, special announcement Junior Intergalactic Gladiators. It’s the end of summer and to cap it off I’m going to do one more week of awesome Froodleicious iDoodles. Get your thinking caps on and come up with a good idea for me to draw next week.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part X

I looked at the stream of hipster zombies shuffling in through the doors to the mall. I looked back down the hall where more of the undead lurched towards us as well. I needed a plan.

“OK, here’s what we do,” I said. “Jim, you’re the biggest one here among us. We need to get you something that you can plow through them with, I’ll be right behind you with my gun. The doctor here and Kyle will follow behind.”

“Uh uh.” He shook his head. “Nothin’ doing.”

“We’ll find you a pole or part of a bench or something,” I explained. “Just barrel through ‘em and I’ll shoot any who get to close.”

“I said I’m not doing it,” he insisted. “I’m a running back, I don’t lead block.”

“Lives are on the line, man,” Kyle moaned. “C’mon, we gotta get out of here.”

“I’m telling you, I don’t lead block,” he repeated, carefully emphasizing the last three words.”

“You have any better ideas?” Dr. Porter asked.

“I’m telling you, I don’t lead block, man. You ever play football? You’d know.”

“Well, I was third string wide receiver on a wishbone offense in high school,” I said. “I would have been a great receiver if only I could run and catch.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” he growled.

“Jim, please,” Dr. Porter looked into his eyes. “You know we’ve got to get out of here. If you can think of any better way I’m all for it, but we have to get moving.”

The former college all star looked back at her and sighed. “All right, I’ll do it. What should I use?”

We all looked around for something he might use for a battering ram.

“Uh, there’s that bench over there,” pointed Kyle. Then he added “Uh… surrounded by all the zombies.”

“Or… uh… let’s see…” I couldn’t find anything else either.

“Some plan,” Jim growled.

“Well, it’s a good plan in theory,” I replied.

“Yeah, in theory,” Dr. Porter repeated.

We saw as the sarcastically mumbling undead scenesters made their way towards us. Slowly, they shuffled. Inch by inch, they drew nearer.

“Well? Any other plans?” Jim asked.

“We’re going to have to fight our way through,” I said grimly. “I don’t think my blaster has enough charge left for much longer.”

“Well, it’s been good knowing you.” Jim cracked his knuckled. His whole body tensed as he readied himself to spring into action. Like a panther, ready to pounce on its prey, his eyes glared with steely resolve.

“Yeah, it’s been nice,” Dr. Porter smiled weakly.

Suddenly, the glass doors exploded as Jim’s car came crashing through. With Eve behind the wheel, the car rammed through or drove over any of the undead unlucky enough to be in the way. And just to add insult to injury she did a donut, smoking the tires and spinning the car around the mall floor before skidding to a stop with zombies scattered in every direction.

Eve rolled down the window and leaned out. “Get in!” She hollered with unusual determination.

“You don’t have to tell us twice,” Kyle answered as we dashed for the car. He and the doctor piled into the back.

“Move over,” Jim said as he opened the driver’s side door.

“I’m driving!” Eve growled back at him.

“Well OK then,” Jim shrugged and made his way around the front of the car to get into the passenger’s seat.

Eve stomped on the gas pedal and the tires squealed again. She spun around in circles sending anything left coming towards us flying through the air before heading back through the shattered glass doors again.

“Wahooo!” Kyle hollered and the car shot towards the access road.

Hours later, Eve was still driving and heading towards the sunrise. Dr Porter, Kyle, and Jim were dozing in their seats and I shifted uncomfortably. Eve clicked on the radio and we heard a reporter deliver a stern report:

“Authorities are unable to determine the cause of the mysterious outbreak that hit Happy Valley and though the military and FEMA have been mobilized, they assure us that it has been contained within the confines of the city. No survivors have been found but authorities are still combing the area.”

“Heh, ‘mysterious outbreak,’” Eve repeated, her voice dripping disdain. “That wasn’t exactly a bad case of the flu we faced back there.”

“Some people aren’t prepared to hear about what happened in Happy Valley,” I replied. “I don’t excuse anyone for covering this up but there’s a lot of people who just aren’t ready to hear some of what’s going on out there.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “The existence of extraterrestrial life.”

“Extraterrestrial life?” she laughed. “Shyeah right. I’ll believe that when I see it.”

The end


Thursday, September 04, 2008

NIght of the Living Hipsters, Part IX

Jim Daniels was sprawled on the floor of the Happy Valley Mall with his hands on the control panel to the escalator. The undead hipster formerly known as Officer Reed loomed over him. I was 30 feet away with my hands on the extension cord, itching to plug in our impromptu trap.

Tense moments ticked by as the creature awkwardly stared down at Daniels.

Daniels stared back up at the creature.

The thing jerkily reached towards the former running back.

A bead of sweat reflected off Jim’s dark forehead.

Tense moments ticked by.

“Now!” Jim yelled and he rolled away from the metal staircase. I quickly complied and plugged in the cord. Sparks crackled and popped from the metal stairs as the creatures on them flailed about. Acrid smoke and the smell of death filled the air.

“Wow,” Kyle mumbled in stunned amazement. “That was—”

“Disgusting,” Dr. Porter finished.

“Better them than me,” Daniels said as he limped back to the group.

“You going to be OK on that thing?” I asked him.

“I’m not going to win any 100 yard dashes, but I’ll make it,” he grunted back.

I dialed up Eve on my Wristcomm. “Meet us by the loading dock, we’re heading out the back door.”

“Uh, OK,” she replied and I disconnected the call.

We dashed to the door and threw it open. Unfortunately, we were now face to face with a throng of the undead hipsters. I shot the first one in the face as we turned and ran back where we came from with me firing back at them. At the end of the hall, another scenester zombie stepped in front of us and I flipped the pistol from my left hand to my right and shot it in the head as well.

We made our way back to the main floor. Smoking hipster corpses clogged the escalator but more drudged around the floor. Some were drinking coffee in an undead mockery of life. Others dully grabbed for cinnamon buns in a display case, only to be stopped by the glass. Those who saw us stumbled towards us.

“I think we’re trapped,” Kyle said dejectedly.

“Sucks to be us,” muttered Daniels.