Where in the World is Professor Xavier?

I stepped away from the podium and looked around. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there was a microphone pointed at me or someone in a fedora barking a question. I couldn’t answer them now. Something’s not right here, I can feel it.

Professor Xavier didn’t even show up to the press conference that he set up. It’s possible that he’s busy with my campaign or attending to business at his school, but it didn’t seem likely to me. On top of that, if he was too busy to be here, I’m sure I would still feel his mental presence, something that I can’t detect right now. Without anything else to do, I dialed up his school to see if he was actually there or if they knew where he was.

“Xavier’s School for Higher Learning, Cyclops, er Professor Summers speaking,” came the answer.

“Cyclops, good to hear from you,” I said. “It’s Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. I’m here at Liberty Island and Professor Xavier doesn’t seem to be around. Is he there?”

“Oh my gosh, he is,” he replied. “But you’re not going to believe this.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“Professor Xavier’s brain is missing!” Cyclops replied dramatically.

“Missing? You mean like he’s gone or something?”

Cyclops explained “No, the Professor is here, right in his study, but his brain is gone. It’s been, like, cut out of his head.”

“Holy cow!” I exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

“I am,” he asserted. “I was there with him and I was talking to him about my issues with Jean Grey and Emma Frost and Madeline Pryor and he was just sitting there saying nothing, so I started talking about how I loved Jean so much but then how I kissed Audrey Hanson and—”

“Wait, do you mean Agent Audrey Hanson?” I interrupted.

“Yeah, her,” Cyclops answered.

“Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI?”

“Yeah her,” he said. “We were on that game show Sylar’s Bachelor together and then we kissed.”

“OK, I don’t think I needed to hear that,” I said.

“With tongue,” the mutant clarified.

“I’m sure I didn’t need to hear that,” I added.

“But then I heard that she slipped me a Mikey.”

“You mean a Mickey,” I corrected.

“Who’s Mickey?” he asked.

“Never mind that, what about the Professor?”

“No wait, how do you know Agent Hanson?” he asked.

“Yeah her,” I said. “Small world, huh? She was assigned to protect me just a little while ago, but then she got called away to help out on a Die Hard Scenario.”

“Oh yeah, Die Hard, I love that movie,” said the man who must always wear ruby quartz eyewear to stop his uncontrollable optic blasts. “Yippee ki yay, mother, uh…”

“Right, well thank you for helping me out with that dangling plot thread there,” I said. “But what about the Professor?”

“Oh yeah, I can’t stand dangling threads,” he replied. “If I have one on my uniform, sometimes I burn it off with a lighter. But don’t tell Jean that I have a lighter, OK?”

“OK, OK,” I sighed. “The Professor. What happened to Professor Xavier’s brain? You said it’s gone.”

“Oh yeah right, so I was talking to the Professor you know, relationship stuff,” he explained. “And then I notice that there’s a little dab of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth and then that’s when I looked closer and saw that his head was cut open. His body’s here, but his brain’s gone, Jon.”

“How long did it take you to figure this out about his brain?”

“I don’t know, ten or fifteen minutes, I guess.” I could almost see him shrugging with the reply.

“Well, does he usually just sit there quietly for fifteen minutes while you talk about your relationship problems?” I asked.

“Well sure,” he replied. “Sometimes longer I think.”

“And he doesn’t yell at you to shut up or anything?” I also asked.

“Well no, but I think sometimes he mentally sends me away,” he said. “Like sometimes I just wake up back in my room or something and I wonder how I got there. Wait a minute, Jean Grey, Emma Frost, Madeline Pryor, and Psycloche all have mental powers. I dated all of them. Are they a surrogate for my relationship with the Professor?”

“I wouldn’t know,” I answered. “I only took like three credits worth of psychology in college.”

I heard a heavy exhale over the phone. “Does that mean that I actually want to date Professor Xavier?”

“Honestly Cyclops? I don’t know,” I replied. “I have to tell you, the more you’re talking about it, the more it’s turning my stomach right now.”

“I love Professor Xavier,” Cyclops announced. “There I said it. Wow, I feel so much better now.”

I screamed in my head mentally. I almost pounded my head against the wall, but I didn’t think the wonderful caretakers of this area want to clean up bloodstains off their nice building.

“I don’t want to hear this,” I said slowly and carefully to him.

“Well, I don’t mean love as in the way a man loves a woman,” Cyclops said. “It’s like a platonic love. Wait a minute, if all the women that I’ve dated are surrogates of the Professor, maybe the Professor’s a surrogate of the father I never had because my dad flew off into outer space to become a space pirate. Wow, it’s mind boggling.”

“You aren’t kidding,” I exhaled. “OK, I’ve gotta go. I mean I’ve really gotta go, if I listen to any more of this I might just, I don’t know what I’d do. I just gotta go. I’ll start looking for clues, keep me updated if you hear anything.”

“OK, I will Jon,” Cyclops agreed. “This is Cyclops over and out.”

The line went silent as he hung up the phone on his end.

Great, on top of everything else going on around here, I’m probably going to have to find Professor Xavier’s brain now, too.

The Search Continues to Continue

I made a list of potential candidates because as you know, my Uncle Marv always used to say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, if you’re ever in a situation where you’re running for the president of the United States, make sure you make a list of potential candidates for vice president. That way, you can go over the pros and cons of what each person brings to the table. Also, never squirt a turkey baster full of lemon juice up your nose. It stings like the dickens.”

Uncle Marv was definitely onto something with his advice. Even the lemon juice part. So I compiled a list. Here it is:


Jan the Intergalactic Aviator
Pros: She's competent, smart, and knows how to handle tough situations. Could potentially corner the female vote.
Cons: She already declined.


Private Hudson
Pros: Uh, military experience?
Cons: Everything else.


Mr. Bennet
Pros: Mr. Bennet typically exudes a quiet competence. He has a background that may or may not include a lot of work with the government. He looks good in a suit.
Cons: His brain doesn't seem to be working at full capacity right now.


Tony Stark
Pros: Long standing ties to the government and SHIELD. Former secretary of defense.
Cons: People are still sore over that whole Civil War fiasco. As Iron Man, he's likely shot people in the head before. Yes, a former secretary of defense as a vice president who shoots people in the head. Boy, I'm never going to tire of that joke, huh?


Bruce Wayne
Pros: Also a wealthy industrialist -- we can trust those people in power, right? Would be a good anti-crime candidate.
Cons: He always seems wound so tightly. instead of a heartbeat away from the presidency, he'll be a heartbeat away from a nervous breakdown.


Scott Summers
Pros: A team player.
Cons: He's kind of like Private Hudson, but without the military discipline.

These candidates definitely won't do. I need a candidate who's larger than life. Someone who's a real hero to everyone out there. Someone who can take the vice presidency and transform it into something that America can be proud of.

Flashbacks

With an electronic whine, the jump engines engaged. For just a moment, even though I felt like my back was leaning against the seat, my stomach was in the far wall, my teeth were in the wall in front of me, and my ankles were somewhere back on Hacknor. Reality turned red, then snapped back into place and I looked around. Everyone was gasping and looking around surprised themselves. I looked at Jan and she said "That was not supposed to happen." "Tell me about it," I said back to her. We both got up and looked up and down the aisles, everyone looked agitated but OK. "The cockpit," Jan looked at me. "We have to check out the crew." We made our way to the front when I stopped and looked at the artist on the deck. He had a quarter-sized hole in his chest and he wasn't moving. Jan saw him, too. "He's not breathing!" Jan said with her ear against his chest. "He's dead." "Looks like Lucky Pierre isn't so lucky," I said grimly.

I reached to a pressure point on Gollux and activated a hidden release. The suit began to peel away, revealing the obnoxious artist within it. "Now the fact that you killed a clone of yourself isn't that bad," I said with half a grin. "In fact, I'm sure the courts would be quite happy that you are responsible for keeping two of you from running around loose. The ship's crew phased into the wall, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter. Pierre leapt up, brandishing a pistol from a hidden pocket. "very clever of you, you unevolved cretin. I'm afraid, however, that when this ship exits hyperspace, I'll just be on my way, then. You see, this pistol fires the same molecular acid-filled projectiles that the probe did. I am going to be the only person walking out of here alive, if neccesery." "You're forgetting one thing, though, Pierre," I said. "Oh, and what's that?" he sneered. "You're not wearing the Bioarmor." With a sonic blast, Pierre crumpled to the ground. I shot him twice more just to be sure. "Unbelievable," Jan shook her head in amazement. "Rather," agreed Jeeves. "You sir, are a master detective, indeed." "Yeah, you may be right," I said. "I'm kind of like Matt Houston, Sherlock Holmes, and Jaques Clouseau all rolled into one." "Who, who, and who?" asked Jan. "Forget it," I said as the ship decanted out of hyperspace, entering the Orion system.

"You can take that contract and stick it, Sinooze-You-Lose," I said back to him. "I'm heading to my ship to play Halo." "If you don't get back here this instant," Sinew Nu blustered. "You can consider yourself permanently suspended!" "You're not the boss of me," I snapped back at him. "Jeez, you're just like my old man! I don't need you, I don't need anybody!" "Why! Why! Why!" Sinew Nu was at a loss for words. "Ha ha, if you're face was any redder, I could take it home and use it as a stop sign, although stop signs usually aren't square." "Look," he tried to reason, but I wasn't gonna listen. Stupid adults always talking. "I'll let you go take a break. You know, ah-a vacation or something. We'll write it into the storyline or something, but you're too valuable of an asset to let us lose you." "Blah blah blah," I mimicked. "You're just like everybody else. You don't care about me, you just care about makin' money. Forget it, I'm goin' cruising down at the DQ. Later, jerkstore." "Jon..." Sinew Nu's mouth hung open. He didn't know what to say, but then he composed himself. "I told you, if you don't come back, you're suspended. I'm serious!" I headed for the door, then I turned back and flipped him the bird from both hands. Ha ha, that'll show him. I also gave him my best punk rock sneer ever. It was a sneer that would make Johnny Lydon proud, if he weren't a lame old man, too.

"You think you can destroy me?" he roared. "I am not so easily defeated, asphinctersayswhat." "What?" came Garth Vader's (the one in the cowboy hat) reply. "Exactly!" Garth Vader (the first one) sneered with a goofy, but evil grin. He then pulled out a pair of drumsticks and started playing the extended drum solo from Inna Gadda Davida on the wreckage of the GNAT device. The sonic vibrations from the beats and fills caused the other Garth Vader to take a step back and hold up his arm in an attempt to deflect the onslaught. "Wait," said Garth Vader (the second one). "There's something I must say." "What is it?" asked the metalhead version of Garth Vader. "I just wanted to say that I quit the business," he announced. "I feel that my talents and efforts are not appreciated, therefore I feel it is my time to retire from the evil conquering the galaxy business." "Uh, OK," the other Garth Vader looked around slightly confused. "Good." "Oh and one more thing," the Stetson-clad Garth Vader continued. "I would like to announce my return to the evil conquering the galaxy business." "Huh?" asked the first Garth Vader. Jan and I looked at each other and shrugged. "Oh, I have another announcement to make," Garth Vader (the country music superstar version) announced. "I would like to say that I am now retiring because I feel that my talents are not appreciated. Now I would like to announce that I am un-retiring. Now I wish to retire to spend time with my family. Now I am un-retiring again. Hey look! Now I'm Chris Gaines! Now I'm Garth Vader again. Now I wish to retire to spend time with my family. Ooops, I just got divorced, guess I'll un-retire again. Well, it's been a long road, but now I have to say that I now wish to retire. Nope, I'm back." "Wait, are you retired or not?" asked Garth Vader (the other one). "I'm so confused!" The Garth Vader in the cowboy hat ignited his lightsaber and stepped forward. "Don't make me destroy you. We could rule this galaxy together as villain and sidekick!" "OK, I guess I'll join up with you. NOT!" The Garth Vader with the glasses ignited his own lightsaber. The two charged each other, blades flashing and crashing against each other. Jan and I slipped out of the room and headed down the corridor.

How to speak Chicago.

For some reason, it seems like the movie purposefully left 15 minutes of blank space right there so the monkeyboys can all get in their own catchphrases. Accordingly, the audience of monkeyboys crescendos into a loud roar. I can see non-sidekick audience members glaring back and forth at each other. The monkeyboys are having a lot of fun, but everyone else seems awfully disgusted. The movie continues and I look over at Sinew Nu, he is smiling at the whole proceedings, no doubt dreaming of ways to spend all of the money he is going to earn with this venture. I swear, if it were possible, there would be dollar signs popping up in front of his eyes right now. I see two tourists finally get up in a huff. They storm past me and the woman looks at me crossly. “We’re here on vacation and we just wanted to see a movie,” she yelled at me. “This is horrible!” “I hope you go to Hel!” the man growls as they stomp off. “Did you hear that?” I asked Sinew Nu. “What? No, I was watching the movie,” he answered. “Oh this is going to be the blockbuster event of the summer!”

Seperated at Birth!

Love is drugs?

“You wanna be a cowboy, you need a hat, rawhide,” Hawks replied. “That sun’s really bright out there and they’re gonna use that to their advantage.” “OK,” I answered. “I need a hat. How’s this?” “A baseball cap? I admire you rootin’ fer your favorite team, but that just don’t fit around here.” “What about this?” “I’m not even sure what that’s fer either, son,” he answered. “You stormin’ the breeches or something?” “What about this?” “Yer gonna be too hot in that thing,” he chuckled. “OK, what about this?” “That thing is ridiculous! Why would you even want to wear something like that? I told you, you need a cowboy hat.” “All right then, how about this?” “What thar heck is that? That thing is even worse! Don’t ever let me see you wear that again!” “That’s all I got,” I shrugged. “I don’t have anything else.” “All right, all right, ya dang greenhorn.” Hawks pulled off his hat and placed it on my head. “Just take mine.” I pulled the hat off and looked at the sweatband. It was stained brown with sweat and dirt. “That’s from ridin’ hard and livin’ hard, pard,” he laughed. “No matter how hard you try, they don’t come clean.” I shrugged and unbolted the door.

“Could you tell us more about your relationship with Clark Kent?” another reporter asked. “What do you mean, relationship?” Superman asked. “You know,” the reporter continued. “You and Kent seem to be pretty close. A little too close if you ask me.” “I… I’m uh, not sure where you are going with this.” Superman looked a little uncomfortable at the question. “You know, Superman,” the reporter pushed. “The fact that Kent always gets the scoops on you, the fact that you’ve been seen flying out of his luxurious metropolitan high rise, the fact that you both hang out with all the same people. Face it Superman, you and Kent are a lot closer than just casual acquaintances.” “I, er, uh, am not exactly sure what you’re trying to say here,” Superman stammered. “Come on, fess up, Superman,” the reporter pressed. “You and Kent are an item, aren’t you?” “What?” “It all makes sense,” the reporter continued. “You’re good looking and in shape, wearing those tight and colorful clothes all around town. Kent’s from a small, conservative town in the Midwest, a place where he didn’t really fit in. It makes sense, you’re a couple.” “Ah, well let me assure you that Clark Kent and I are very close,” Superman chuckled. “But not that close. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… Kent and I have a good friendship and I do give him a few exclusives here and there for the Daily Planet, but that’s as far as that goes. In fact, Clark is married to Lois Lane—” “So how come you’re always flying her around town, then?” the reporter followed up. “Well, as an investigative reporter, she does get herself in a lot of trouble,” Superman answered. “Next question.” “Who’d win in a fight,” a reporter asked. “You or Captain Marvel?”

“You don't have any goldfish,” Professor Xavier said to me. “No,” I replied. “They keep dying on me.” “And you just sent off that monkeyboy like that.” “On a fool’s errand,” I chuckled. “Who better to send? Besides, do you really want a monkeyboy here with us?” “No!” Xavier quickly replied. “No thank you. I do believe that this mission would continue nicely without him.” “My gear is stowed, thank you,” Professor S’Magmier stepped into the cockpit. “Now if you two are finished picking mites out of each other’s body hair, I am ready to go.” “You know, Smeggy, I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of this in front of the Queen but you’re really beginning to get on my nerves. You’re gonna have to zip it on this flight or else I might have to make you feel bad with some real harsh words.” “Spoken like the backwards species that you are,” S’Magmier snapped back. “It is my job to make contact with the leviathan, yours is to just get me there. Perhaps if you could get those thumbs of yours to work, you could paw that control panel well enough to get us to our destination.” “OK, that’s it,” I leaped up from my seat and grabbed his arm. “I’m going to show you what an unevolved person like myself is capable of.” “Oh my--! Don’t kill me!” he wailed. “Don’t kill me!” “We don’t really need him, do we Professor?” “I would say the ride would be much more pleasant without him as well,” Xavier answered. “Although I might add that--” “OK, cool!” I maneuvered the groveling scientist to the hatch. “You’re not coming, Smeggy. We’ll see you later.” “But what about... Ahhh! No!” I popped the door open and pushed him through it. “Don’t worry, it’s just a small drop!” I yelled to him. “I’m sure an advanced species such as you can survive it.”

The Nazis give chase and a dogfight ensues. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will live and who will die? We don't know. In the cockpit, the angelic voiced dogface sings into her microphone. Who could be listening? Could it be to the young, good looking radio operator? It just might be. Meanwhile on the tabletop, the figures representing the German planes in the air are swept away. The commander is so disgusted that he accidentally hits his subordinate, the pulchritudinous radio operator.

"Private Hudson is always ready for action," I announced. "He's got his armor and his helmet, everything he's wearing is very functional, but what could he add for just a touch of pizzazz?" "That's right, a cape. It's fabulous!" "Here's the hero to the common beings of the galaxy and Intergalactic Gladiator, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. He's sporting a unique Wristcomm, two blaster pistols and with his comfortable but functional outfit, he's ready for action."

Hudson: My Date With a Hottie!

If on fire, take off your pants and roll around, the icy snow will cool your dermis in all needed areas.

“THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PAIN. TASTE THE WRATH OF ONSLAUGHT, FOOL.” I leapt off of the wreckage just before it twisted up into a ball. Dodging the brute’s attack, I charged my Sonic Stunner. “Now I’m mad!” I growled at him. “Taste this, Onstar!” Onslaught stepped back and clasped one hand to his ear (at least I presume it was his ear) as the variable frequencies of sonic energy assaulted his senses. He stood like that briefly, then emanated a low rumbling noise which shortly turned into laughter. “HA HA HA. WHAT AN INTERESTING WEAPON. TOO BAD THAT IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME, FOOL!” “You can’t blame a guy for trying.” I pulled out one of my pistols and fired at him. “AGAIN YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME!” the energy bolts bounced off his armored form. “YOU ARE FOOLISH FOR EVEN TRYING. DEATH FOR YOU WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL.” I set my blaster on its highest setting and fired again. With a wave of Onslaught’s arm, the pistol exploded in my hand. I screamed in pain as I cradled the charred remains of my limb under my other arm. “STILL, YOUR MIND RACES… STILL TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO STOP ME. YOU CANNOT.” I crawled further away from my adversary. “Yeah, too bad I didn’t TiVo this fight,” I said with more bravery than I actually had. “I could rewind this and do something different, huh?”

Suddenly, I snapped awake. The images of my flashbacks faded like wisps of smoke. I looked around but could not tell where I was at all. It felt like a freight train just got done fighting an M1 battle tank in my head.

“Relax, Jon,” a sweet voice wafted through my ears. “You are fine now.”

It was Gaia. I was laying in a bed or something and she was standing next to me. I could see in the corner Cyclops and Hudson looking over and grinning at me.

“We totally saved you,” said Hudson.

“It was awesome,” said Cyclops.

“We’re like a team or something,” said Hudson. “We totally work great together.”

“Yeah!” agreed Cyclops. “We should team up and I know what we can call it! X2!”

“X2?” asked Hudson. “Why X2?”

“Because there’s two of us,” Cyclops explained.

“I got a better name,” Hudson said. “Hudson’s Heroes!”

“Wait, I got a better name than that!” Cyclops exclaimed. “Wyld Stallions!”

“Excellent!” Hudson yelled.

“We’re the Wyld Stallions and we’re gonna kick your butt!” they yelled together. Then they played air guitars for each other. “Yeah! Game over, man!”

“That’s really nice,” I said. “But what am I doing here? What happened to Onslaught?”

“Onslaught attacked you,” Gaia replied. “But it was more mental than anything else. He was destroying you in your mind.”

“Uh huh…”

“Because when you destroy the mind, it will destroy the body.”

“Sure felt like he was destroying the body, I tell you,” I said. “So then why was I flashing back to the past few months?”

“I was healing your mind,” she answered. “We were working on the last few months, making sure that everything was OK in there.” She grinned and pointed to my head.

“So then why did I have memories of Hudson and Queen Galacta?”

“Ah, well, that’s just the way it works,” she shrugged. I didn’t exactly buy that, though.

“So now what?” I asked.

“We’re marshalling together to stop him now,” she answered. “Fighting someone as formidable as Onslaught takes a lot of planning.”

“Well count me in,” I punched the palm of my hand with my fist. “Payback’s a bitch and it’s hot in the city!”

Gaia looked at me with a puzzled look on her face, then she must have decided not to ask.

“One more thing, Jon.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“Happy 300th post.”

The cellular phone on my Wristcomm rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jon, it’s Cyclops. How are you doing?”

“I am well, and you?”

“Uh, well not too good. Onslaught’s on the loose and coming after you.”

“Onslaught? What’s an Onslaught?”

“Ah, Onslaught’s a physical manifestation of Professor Xavier and Magneto’s power. Basically, the Professor turned into Onslaught right after you two came back from your mission in space.”

“Professor X turned into Onslaught? What caused it?”

“Well, uh… you see his girlfriend Magdalena ran off with Henchman while he was gone.”

“Magdalena? Why that saucy wench.”

“Yeah tell me about it. So the Professor turned into Onslaught, except he’s not really the Professor in there, except he is and has all of Xavier’s powers. Understand?”

“No, not really. What is it with you people and your evil manifestations. Jeez.”

“I dunno, I don’t have one. Onslaught’s really evil, too. He’s so evil that he peed on a seat and didn’t even clean it up!”

“Wow. And he’s coming for me?”

“Uh huh. Be careful, man, he’s got vast mental powers.”

“So you said. It’s OK, I can handle myself.”

“How are you going to do that?”

“I’ll just have to keep my mind blank.”

“YOU,” came a deep rumbling voice. The giant manifestation of evil was suddenly in front of me. “I WILL DESTROY YOU.”

“Onslaught is it? Nice to meet you,” I extended my hand to shake his.

Onslaught sent me flying through the air. I sailed into a junk yard and crashed onto the roof of a wrecked delivery van.

“Ahhh geez,” I rubbed my back with my arm. “That really frickin’ hurt.”

“THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PAIN. TASTE THE WRATH OF ONSLAUGHT, FOOL.”

I leapt off of the wreckage just before it twisted up into a ball. Dodging the brute’s attack, I charged my Sonic Stunner.

“Now I’m mad!” I growled at him. “Taste this, Onstar!”

Onslaught stepped back and clasped one hand to his ear (at least I presume it was his ear) as the variable frequencies of sonic energy assaulted his senses. He stood like that briefly, then emanated a low rumbling noise which shortly turned into laughter.

“HA HA HA. WHAT AN INTERESTING WEAPON. TOO BAD THAT IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME, FOOL!”

“You can’t blame a guy for trying.” I pulled out one of my pistols and fired at him.

“AGAIN YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME!” the energy bolts bounced off his armored form. “YOU ARE FOOLISH FOR EVEN TRYING. DEATH FOR YOU WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL.”

I set my blaster on its highest setting and fired again. With a wave of Onslaught’s arm, the pistol exploded in my hand. I screamed in pain as I cradled the charred remains of my limb under my other arm.

“STILL, YOUR MIND RACES… STILL TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO STOP ME. YOU CANNOT.”

I crawled further away from my adversary. “Yeah, too bad I didn’t TiVo this fight,” I said with more bravery than I actually had. “I could rewind this and do something different, huh?”

“VERY WELL, TRY AGAIN.”

Suddenly, I found myself whole and still on the phone with Cyclops. Onslaught appeared in front of me once more and hurled me into the junk yard.

“WHAT WILL IT BE THIS TIME?” he roared. “DO YOU WANT TO TRY YOUR SONIC WEAPON ONCE MORE?”

“How about this?” I drew both of my pistols this time and fired them directly at his face. This time, the lancing energy was deflected by some sort of barrier.

“YOUR DEATH IS UPON YOU. WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR BEFORE YOU DIE?”

“Anything that’s not coming from your mouth,” I retorted. My pistols exploded again and I flew back through the air and crashed into a pile of 50 gallon drums. Through the haze, I could see a semi trailer hovering over me.

“TOO EASY,” the villain sneered as the trailer dropped on me.

Once again, I found myself on the phone with Cyclops. Once again, Onslaught appeared in front of me.

“Aw crap.”

After crashing onto the van a third time, I tried firing the harpoon from my Wristcomm at him. Laughing all the while, he caught the projectile in midair and spun me around by the attached cable.

I sailed through the junk yard and slammed into a pile of rotting mattresses.

“That… was a pleasant… switch…” I managed to quip.

“GIVE UP NOW, FOOL. EMBRACE YOUR END AND I WILL MAKE IT QUICK AND PAINLESS.”

“I really doubt that,” I scrambled for cover as engine blocks, hub caps, metal poles, and car frames flew at me. “Is this really necessary? Come on, no woman is worth turning all evil and slamming me around like this.”

“THAT LYING HARLOT WILL GET HERS!” my powerful antagonist announced as he hurled more ferrous debris at me. “BUT YOU WILL STILL DIE FIRST!”

The wreckage of a Volkswagen bus slammed into me. I was pinned between it and other pieces of twisted rust. My adversary stalked towards me.

“I GROW TIRED OF THIS GAME,” he announced.

“Imagine… how I feel…” I sputtered.

“VERY WELL,” he raised his hand. “I SHALL END THIS AND YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL.”

I heard shots ring out – shots from a pulse rifle! Rifle rounds as well as a ruby beam slammed into the helmed menace.

“Yeeehaw! Here comes the cavalry!” Private Hudson yelled. “Come get some! Come on! Take that!”

“Game over for you, Onslaught!” Cyclops announced as energy lashed out from his eyes.

Onslaught howled, but before he could counterattack, Cyclops, Hudson, and I disappeared.

“NOOOOOOO!” Onslaught threw his fists into the air and howled again.

Lounging at the Hero Lounge

[Crowd murmuring, applause]
Good evening everybody, thank you thank you. I am Johnny Paladin and I'll be your entertainment for this evening. Did everyone see how big that bouncer is? I think he could beat Lou Ferrigno in an arm wrestling contest.

[Mild laughter]

Spider-Man, Spider-Man*
Does whatever a spider can
Can he swing from a thread?
Take a look overhead

Look out here comes the Spider-Man, Spider-Man forever

Spider-Man, Spider-Man now and forever

[Applause]
Thank you, thank you very much. Say, what's your name?

Cyclops: I'm Cyclops, leader of the X-Men.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,**
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
I'm Cyclops, Cyclops.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're Cyclops, Cyclops.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.

[Mild applause]

Cyclops: That was awesome!

Thank you, thank you very much. Hey, are there many mutants here tonight?

[Applause]

Please don't take my wallet.

[Laughter]

I'm kidding! Hey, it's Superman himself! Ladies and gentlemen, the Man of Steel.

[Applause, Superman sheepishly waves to the crowd]

What brings you here?

Superman: I don't get many days off, but when I get the chance, I like to come here to relax with some of my, er super friends.

If I go crazy then will you still ***
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite

[Applause]

Superman: Thank you, er, that was nice. No more songs about Kryptonite, OK?

You got it, big guy. Hey, look who's here. Howya doin' tonight, Vegeta?

Vegeta: You know, relaxing, taking a break from smashing things.

Has he lost his mind? ****
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
Well just pass him there
Why should we even care?

Now the time is here
For Vegeta to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved

Heavy boots of lead
Fills his victims full of dread
Running as fast as they can
Vegeta lives again!

[Applause]

Vegeta: Sweet.

Thank you, thank you very much. Let's see who else is here tonight. Say, look over here, It looks like, oh oh...

The Tick: I am the Tick, I am mighty!

Oh boy.

Da dwee dah dah dah dwee dow *****
da dweeee dah dah dah dwee dow
Dwee dah do-doo dah dwee dah d0-doo dah
Da dwee dah dah dah dwee dow
Doot doot dah dah dat doot doot dah dah dah!

[Applause]

Thank you, thank you very much.

The Tick: That was keen! Do another!

Uh...

The Tick: Come on, singer! Sing for all you are worth!

OK.

Nana nana nana nana ******
Nana nana nana nana
The Tick!

Nana nana nana nana
Nana nana nana nana
The Tick!

The Tick! The Tick! The Tick!

Nana nana nana nana na
The Tick!

The Tick: Once again you have floored me with a great song, citizen. Sing another!

Looks like that's all the time we have for tonight. Thank you, you've been a great crowd!

[Applause]

The Tick: Hey!

* To the tune of Edelweiss
** To the tune of Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees
*** Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down
**** To the tune of Iron Man by Black Sabbath
***** Theme to The Tick
****** To the tune of Batman

You send in the Marines

The Colonial Marines, that is.

Professor Xavier was somewhere on the island when his phone rang. I had no idea where he was, so I decided to answer the phone to take a message.

"Hello?" I said.

"Uh, Professor?" came the voice on the other end.

"No, this is Private Hudson," I answered. "The Professor doesn't seem to be around right now, could I take a message?"

"Uh, yeah, er... No," came the voice. "No, uh just tell him that Cyclops called."

"Hey Cyclops," I said. "How's it goin'?"

"Oh man," he said. "We're fighting for our lives at Magneto's base. There's a legion of Terminator robots, and some other guy's got a bunch of his robots, too. It's a big fight and we're way outnumbered. I was just callin' the Professor to, uh, see if he could, er, send some reinforcements."

"Oh man," I said. "If you're not careful, it'll be game over for you!"

"Oh man," he said. "I didn't even think about that! Oh man! Well, I gotta go."

"Oh man," I said. "Say, you need my help?"

"Sure," he said. "Like I said, we're right here at Magneto's base on Earth."

"Cool, I haven't been to Earth in a long time," I said. "I'm on my way. Hey, I gotta question. How much does a call from Earth to Hacknor cost?"

"Man, I don't know," Cyclops answered. "You think the Professor's gonna freak when he gets the bill?"

I had to save them. All of them. That green Mars guy, the two hairy dudes, and that one gal from the Thundercats all needed my help. Quickly I boarded the UD-4L Cheyenne and Corporal Ferro flew me up to the Sulaco. We warped to Earth and then she and I prepared to drop. As you may recall, this is the part that I hate.

"Hang on, we’re going for a ride," Ferro smirked. "Stand by to initiate release sequencer. On my mark. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Mark."

"Oh man," I clenched my teeth. She always says that. I hate it when she says that.

We dropped out of the belly of the Sulaco and started crashing towards the Earth. We shuttered and rumbled with the reentry.

"Wooooooooah!" I yelped. Hitting the atmosphere in these things is never, ever pleasant.

"We’re in the pipe, five by five," Ferro beamed. Yeah, she always says that, too.

We closed in on Magneto's secret lair and Ferro dropped the landing struts. We settled in and she dropped the ramp.

"It's gonna be nasty out there," Ferro said.

"Yeah, I know it," I answered.

"I hear those Terminators are really tough to kill," she said. "What are you going to do?"

"I got a secret plan for them," I said and I flipped the selector on my M41A Pulse Rifle to "auto."

I ran down the ramp screaming and firing my weapon. "Aaaaaaagh!! Come on! Come get some! You want some of this! Take this! Aaaahhhhhhh!"

Rounds tore out of my rifle. I launched grenade after grenade from the launcher slung underneath. I shouted some more.

"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! Let's go, yeah, come on! Come on! Come and get it you bastards! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? screw you!"

My weapon chattered away. My ears rung from the noise and my nose was filled with the pungent smell of burning gunpowder.

"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Game over for you, man! Let's go, yeah, come on! Come on! Come and get it you bastards! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? Come and get some!"

I fired until my weapon was empty and I was out of grenades. I reached for a fresh magazine of M309 10 X 24 mm caseless rounds when I stopped to look around.

There was debris everywhere. Smoke wafted up from the ground here and there and just about everywhere I could see dead robots littering the ground. I looked around some more but I didn't see Cyclops or anyone from his team.

"Hey! Where'd everybody go?"