Thursday, June 29, 2006

You send in the Marines

The Colonial Marines, that is.

Professor Xavier was somewhere on the island when his phone rang. I had no idea where he was, so I decided to answer the phone to take a message.

"Hello?" I said.

"Uh, Professor?" came the voice on the other end.

"No, this is Private Hudson," I answered. "The Professor doesn't seem to be around right now, could I take a message?"

"Uh, yeah, er... No," came the voice. "No, uh just tell him that Cyclops called."

"Hey Cyclops," I said. "How's it goin'?"

"Oh man," he said. "We're fighting for our lives at Magneto's base. There's a legion of Terminator robots, and some other guy's got a bunch of his robots, too. It's a big fight and we're way outnumbered. I was just callin' the Professor to, uh, see if he could, er, send some reinforcements."

"Oh man," I said. "If you're not careful, it'll be game over for you!"

"Oh man," he said. "I didn't even think about that! Oh man! Well, I gotta go."

"Oh man," I said. "Say, you need my help?"

"Sure," he said. "Like I said, we're right here at Magneto's base on Earth."

"Cool, I haven't been to Earth in a long time," I said. "I'm on my way. Hey, I gotta question. How much does a call from Earth to Hacknor cost?"

"Man, I don't know," Cyclops answered. "You think the Professor's gonna freak when he gets the bill?"

I had to save them. All of them. That green Mars guy, the two hairy dudes, and that one gal from the Thundercats all needed my help. Quickly I boarded the UD-4L Cheyenne and Corporal Ferro flew me up to the Sulaco. We warped to Earth and then she and I prepared to drop. As you may recall, this is the part that I hate.

"Hang on, we’re going for a ride," Ferro smirked. "Stand by to initiate release sequencer. On my mark. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Mark."

"Oh man," I clenched my teeth. She always says that. I hate it when she says that.

We dropped out of the belly of the Sulaco and started crashing towards the Earth. We shuttered and rumbled with the reentry.

"Wooooooooah!" I yelped. Hitting the atmosphere in these things is never, ever pleasant.

"We’re in the pipe, five by five," Ferro beamed. Yeah, she always says that, too.

We closed in on Magneto's secret lair and Ferro dropped the landing struts. We settled in and she dropped the ramp.

"It's gonna be nasty out there," Ferro said.

"Yeah, I know it," I answered.

"I hear those Terminators are really tough to kill," she said. "What are you going to do?"

"I got a secret plan for them," I said and I flipped the selector on my M41A Pulse Rifle to "auto."

I ran down the ramp screaming and firing my weapon. "Aaaaaaagh!! Come on! Come get some! You want some of this! Take this! Aaaahhhhhhh!"

Rounds tore out of my rifle. I launched grenade after grenade from the launcher slung underneath. I shouted some more.

"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! Let's go, yeah, come on! Come on! Come and get it you bastards! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? screw you!"

My weapon chattered away. My ears rung from the noise and my nose was filled with the pungent smell of burning gunpowder.

"Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Game over for you, man! Let's go, yeah, come on! Come on! Come and get it you bastards! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? Come and get some!"

I fired until my weapon was empty and I was out of grenades. I reached for a fresh magazine of M309 10 X 24 mm caseless rounds when I stopped to look around.

There was debris everywhere. Smoke wafted up from the ground here and there and just about everywhere I could see dead robots littering the ground. I looked around some more but I didn't see Cyclops or anyone from his team.

"Hey! Where'd everybody go?"


Professor Xavier said...

I'm guessing Hudson is an American. You know, shoot first and ask questions later.

Professor Xavier said...

Or maybe he should try out for GI Joe. In the 80s cartoon they fire a bazillion shots but never hit one Cobra.

Professor Xavier said...

And I mean that literally, by the way. A bazillion. I had Cyclops count them.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

What would happen if Cobra got in a gunfight with Stormtroopers?

It would never end.

I loved G.I.Joe, but they only time they could hit anything was when they were aiming at something that didn't die. Gotta drop a bunch of rocks on 'em? No problem. Do you need to knock over a stack of boxes? Just shoot it! You can shoot down the planes and choppers, too, but don't aim at the pilots bailing out.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I love bazillion. Their beaches are great, the bazillion women are very sexy and they have a great soccer team.

Nice shooting Hudson, You might be inducted into the late Empire trooper hall of fame.

Karnov said...

Bazillions are hawt

captain koma said...

The problem of course was that the battle was outside MY LAIR not Magento's. Read the Martians First piece before Swapthing went nuts.
J'onn came and hurt Lin but she got him back.

Private Hudson said...

Awwwwww nuts!

But Cyclops said that it was at Magneto's hideout!

captain koma said...

You trust Cyke to get anything right. He's too busy making sure that he's got a spare pair of pants ready.