Jo Jo: Portrait of a Monkeyboy Sidekick, the premiere

I'm at the movie premiere at the Hacknorian Cineplex on Fire Island M (you know the one, right off of Highway 21); standing beside J’onn Sinew Nu in the back so we can watch the crowd reaction.

Most of the audience members are monkeyboys, as you could expect, and when the lights dimmed they started hooting and hollering.

Of course, before the movie starts, we’re treated to some previews and an advertisement for Hacknor Cola, which is a soft drink that I highly recommend if you like the taste of caramelized sulfuric acid.

After that, the credits started rolling and Jo Jo the Monkeyboy’s theme starts playing along with it – all 63 verses. All of the (alleged) comedy relief sidekicks in the audience who could sing, sang along. Many couldn’t sing and sang along anyway. I started to see popcorn containers and frozen bananas arcing through the air.

The opening credits and the theme song end and the image of Jo Jo fades in.

“Howya doin’ buaauuuuuthhh?” he asks.

The audience roars its approval.

“Heeeeey, buddy!” yells a Monkeyboy from his seat.

“Ahoy ahoy, good Capitan!” yells another.

“I'll bite that for a dollar!” calls out still another.

“Awk! Time for this bird to fly!”

“Oh no not again!”

“Vhy dese kids dese days!”

“Miggle mffffp! Thpppppt! Cheese!”

“You my bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!”

“Works for me!”

With each catchphrase shouted out, the other monkeyboys in the audience grow wilder and wilder.

“Zoiks!”

“Incontheivable!”

“By George, one of these days I gotta straighten out that closet!”

“Give zees people ze bananas!”

“Anaheim, Azusa and Cuuuu-ca-mon-gaaa!”

“hi bob!”

“Don’t get saucy with me, Bernaise!”

“I gotta thank Thelma Lou for that nice piece of pie!”

“The devil made me do it!”

“Snap your neck like dried up chicken bone!”

“Saints preserve us!”

“Shazam!”

“Hi ho Bongo the Monkeyboy here!”

“There I was, there I was, there I was… In the Congo!”

“All your banana are belong to us!”

“Oh, a wiseguy, eh?”

“Bada bing!”

“As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!”

“Could this banana be any more delicious?”

For some reason, it seems like the movie purposefully left 15 minutes of blank space right there so the monkeyboys can all get in their own catchphrases. Accordingly, the audience of monkeyboys crescendos into a loud roar. I can see non-sidekick audience members glaring back and forth at each other.

The monkeyboys are having a lot of fun, but everyone else seems awfully disgusted.

The movie continues and I look over at Sinew Nu, he is smiling at the whole proceedings, no doubt dreaming of ways to spend all of the money he is going to earn with this venture. I swear, if it were possible, there would be dollar signs popping up in front of his eyes right now.

I see two tourists finally get up in a huff. They storm past me and the woman looks at me crossly.

“We’re here on vacation and we just wanted to see a movie,” she yelled at me. “This is horrible!”

“I hope you go to Hel!” the man growls as they stomp off.

“Did you hear that?” I asked Sinew Nu.

“What? No, I was watching the movie,” he answered. “Oh this is going to be the blockbuster event of the summer!”