The Movie's Bombing? Really?

I stepped into J’onn Sinew Nu’s office and walked up to his desk. Sinew Nu was sitting at it and he had a defeated expression on his face. On his desk sat a half empty bottle of booze. Sinew Nu looked up from cradling his head and took another shot.

“It’s… bad… out there,” he sniffed. “It’s a fiasco. Unbelievable.”

I shook my head.

“It is pretty bad.”

“It’s a bomb. Every critic in the known galaxy has raked this thing over the coals,” he added. “There was only one good review. Only one.”

“Well, maybe the audience will read only that review,” I said.

“Monkeyboys don’t read reviews,” Sinew Nu sighed. “I’m going to lose a ton here.”

He then pulled some sort of pill bottle out of his desk and wrenched open the lid. He tapped two painkillers into his hand and popped them into his mouth. He washed them down with another shot from his bottle.

“Maybe you’ll get a lot of repeat viewers on Monkekbok,” I suggested.

“Monkeyboys don’t have that kind of cash,” Sinew Nu sobbed. “They’re sidekicks after all.”

“Well,” I endeavored for something positive to say. “Maybe you can make it up in DVD sales.”

Sinew Nu looked at me for a long time with a blank expression.

Then a small smile crept across his lips.

“That’s it!” His smile grew broader. “All I have to do is push Sinewco monies around a little bit to make it look like the movie did OK. Then I’ll release it quickly onto DVD so all of the monkeyboys and girls get one.”

“……OK,” I looked at him.

“I’ll put the first few releases of the movie on inferior quality disks so they degrade after a few viewings!” he announced. “Then they’ll have to buy another! Then in a year or so, I’ll put out the director’s cut version, followed by the eXtreme version, ultimate version. Then finally, I put out the, uh, uh…”

He snapped his fingers trying to think of what the version would be called.

“The ‘Howya doin’ buauttthhhh?’ version?” I suggested.

“Brilliant!” he slammed his palms down on his desk. J’onn Sinew Nu wasn’t defeated just yet. “Here sign this waiver releasing all ownership of that name.”

I put my Jon Hancock on the dotted line.

“Well it’s been a real pleasure,” I said heading for the door. “If you’re thinking of doing a sequel, don’t call me, I’ll call you.”

“Oh Jon, there is one more thing,” Sinew Nu said.

“Yes?”

“On the contract, you’re a consultant,” he informed me. “Your pay is in scale with the amount of money the movie generates. And since the movie isn’t generating money, you’re pay is going to reflect that.”

Sinew Nu pushed the intercom button on his desk. “Bernice, can you cut a check for Jon here?”

“Yes sir,” Bernice’s voice crackled back.

Ah well. I didn’t do this for the money. At least it’ll be enough to buy myself a pack of gum or something.