I Hate Sidekicks, Part Six

It happens again and again.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator with Jo Jo the Monkeyboy vs. "Muscles" Marinara with his girlfriend Margarita Pisa. The crowd remains deathly silent when Jo Jo is introduced, Jo Jo's comic capering gets in the way of the match and he is picked up and thrown around by Margarita. I narrowly win the contest.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator with Jo Jo the Monkeyboy vs. Freh-dee Mars. The crowd is astoundingly silent during Jo Jo's introduction, Jo Jo's unfunny sidekickery gets in the way of my match and he is stomped on and kicked by Freh-dee Mars. I narrowly win the match.



Then it happens.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator with Jo Jo the Monkeyboy vs. Octopus Prime. The crowd is deafeningly silent during Jo Jo's into, Prime swats Jo Jo away fairly quickly and hails a reign of powerful pneumatic punches down on me. I stumble over Jo Jo, unable to mount an offense. With one more punch, Octopus Prime walks away the winner.



"That was a good fight, Jon," Says J'onn Sinew Nu. "Too bad you didn't win. I thought you had Prime for a minute there."

"Are you kidding?" I ask, incredulously. "I didn't stand a chance with that stupid Monkeyboy in my way. I was lucky to get out alive!"

"Nonsense," J'onn waved. "Listen, the merchandising on Jo Jo isn't going quite as well as we expected."

"Of course not, no one likes him."

"Ha ha, Jon. Always the kidder." replies J'onn, barely paying any attention to what I say. "We have to sell more Jo Jo lunchboxes, so next week when you are introduced, I want you to come out carrying one."


"What?"

"Yeah, the kids'll really go for it," Sinew Nu started rubbing his hands together.

"Fine." I add "I'll throw it at my opponent" under my breath.

"Good. Good, that's the team player!" exclaims Sinew Nu. "One more thing."

"What?"

"How does 'With his sidekick Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, here's Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator' sound for an introduction?"