The Movie's Bombing? Really?

I stepped into J’onn Sinew Nu’s office and walked up to his desk. Sinew Nu was sitting at it and he had a defeated expression on his face. On his desk sat a half empty bottle of booze. Sinew Nu looked up from cradling his head and took another shot.

“It’s… bad… out there,” he sniffed. “It’s a fiasco. Unbelievable.”

I shook my head.

“It is pretty bad.”

“It’s a bomb. Every critic in the known galaxy has raked this thing over the coals,” he added. “There was only one good review. Only one.”

“Well, maybe the audience will read only that review,” I said.

“Monkeyboys don’t read reviews,” Sinew Nu sighed. “I’m going to lose a ton here.”

He then pulled some sort of pill bottle out of his desk and wrenched open the lid. He tapped two painkillers into his hand and popped them into his mouth. He washed them down with another shot from his bottle.

“Maybe you’ll get a lot of repeat viewers on Monkekbok,” I suggested.

“Monkeyboys don’t have that kind of cash,” Sinew Nu sobbed. “They’re sidekicks after all.”

“Well,” I endeavored for something positive to say. “Maybe you can make it up in DVD sales.”

Sinew Nu looked at me for a long time with a blank expression.

Then a small smile crept across his lips.

“That’s it!” His smile grew broader. “All I have to do is push Sinewco monies around a little bit to make it look like the movie did OK. Then I’ll release it quickly onto DVD so all of the monkeyboys and girls get one.”

“……OK,” I looked at him.

“I’ll put the first few releases of the movie on inferior quality disks so they degrade after a few viewings!” he announced. “Then they’ll have to buy another! Then in a year or so, I’ll put out the director’s cut version, followed by the eXtreme version, ultimate version. Then finally, I put out the, uh, uh…”

He snapped his fingers trying to think of what the version would be called.

“The ‘Howya doin’ buauttthhhh?’ version?” I suggested.

“Brilliant!” he slammed his palms down on his desk. J’onn Sinew Nu wasn’t defeated just yet. “Here sign this waiver releasing all ownership of that name.”

I put my Jon Hancock on the dotted line.

“Well it’s been a real pleasure,” I said heading for the door. “If you’re thinking of doing a sequel, don’t call me, I’ll call you.”

“Oh Jon, there is one more thing,” Sinew Nu said.

“Yes?”

“On the contract, you’re a consultant,” he informed me. “Your pay is in scale with the amount of money the movie generates. And since the movie isn’t generating money, you’re pay is going to reflect that.”

Sinew Nu pushed the intercom button on his desk. “Bernice, can you cut a check for Jon here?”

“Yes sir,” Bernice’s voice crackled back.

Ah well. I didn’t do this for the money. At least it’ll be enough to buy myself a pack of gum or something.

Jo Jo: Portrait of a Monkeyboy Sidekick, the premiere

I'm at the movie premiere at the Hacknorian Cineplex on Fire Island M (you know the one, right off of Highway 21); standing beside J’onn Sinew Nu in the back so we can watch the crowd reaction.

Most of the audience members are monkeyboys, as you could expect, and when the lights dimmed they started hooting and hollering.

Of course, before the movie starts, we’re treated to some previews and an advertisement for Hacknor Cola, which is a soft drink that I highly recommend if you like the taste of caramelized sulfuric acid.

After that, the credits started rolling and Jo Jo the Monkeyboy’s theme starts playing along with it – all 63 verses. All of the (alleged) comedy relief sidekicks in the audience who could sing, sang along. Many couldn’t sing and sang along anyway. I started to see popcorn containers and frozen bananas arcing through the air.

The opening credits and the theme song end and the image of Jo Jo fades in.

“Howya doin’ buaauuuuuthhh?” he asks.

The audience roars its approval.

“Heeeeey, buddy!” yells a Monkeyboy from his seat.

“Ahoy ahoy, good Capitan!” yells another.

“I'll bite that for a dollar!” calls out still another.

“Awk! Time for this bird to fly!”

“Oh no not again!”

“Vhy dese kids dese days!”

“Miggle mffffp! Thpppppt! Cheese!”

“You my bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!”

“Works for me!”

With each catchphrase shouted out, the other monkeyboys in the audience grow wilder and wilder.

“Zoiks!”

“Incontheivable!”

“By George, one of these days I gotta straighten out that closet!”

“Give zees people ze bananas!”

“Anaheim, Azusa and Cuuuu-ca-mon-gaaa!”

“hi bob!”

“Don’t get saucy with me, Bernaise!”

“I gotta thank Thelma Lou for that nice piece of pie!”

“The devil made me do it!”

“Snap your neck like dried up chicken bone!”

“Saints preserve us!”

“Shazam!”

“Hi ho Bongo the Monkeyboy here!”

“There I was, there I was, there I was… In the Congo!”

“All your banana are belong to us!”

“Oh, a wiseguy, eh?”

“Bada bing!”

“As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!”

“Could this banana be any more delicious?”

For some reason, it seems like the movie purposefully left 15 minutes of blank space right there so the monkeyboys can all get in their own catchphrases. Accordingly, the audience of monkeyboys crescendos into a loud roar. I can see non-sidekick audience members glaring back and forth at each other.

The monkeyboys are having a lot of fun, but everyone else seems awfully disgusted.

The movie continues and I look over at Sinew Nu, he is smiling at the whole proceedings, no doubt dreaming of ways to spend all of the money he is going to earn with this venture. I swear, if it were possible, there would be dollar signs popping up in front of his eyes right now.

I see two tourists finally get up in a huff. They storm past me and the woman looks at me crossly.

“We’re here on vacation and we just wanted to see a movie,” she yelled at me. “This is horrible!”

“I hope you go to Hel!” the man growls as they stomp off.

“Did you hear that?” I asked Sinew Nu.

“What? No, I was watching the movie,” he answered. “Oh this is going to be the blockbuster event of the summer!”

A Meeting of the Monkeyboys

J'onn Sinew Nu and Jo Jo the Monkeyboy Sr. were satisfied that they had a hit on their hands. As for myself, I was pretty sure that it was going to be a disaster, but I decided to observe the proceedings with bemused detachment. No point in me missing out on the entertainment, right?

Most of the test viewers for the movie filtered out after Sinew Nu released them. Popo the Monkeyboy hung back, though, and he approached Jo Jo Sr. with a giant goofy grin on his face.

“It’s super swell to meet you, sir!” said Popo. “Howya like dem apples?”

“Well, it’s always super duper to meet a fan!” Jo Jo Sr. replied. “I’m just a bad widdle boy!”

The two creatures howled with delight and hopped up and down.

“Say, Popo,” Jo Jo Sr. poked him. “Would you like to meet the actor who portrayed Jo Jo in the movie?”

“Would I? Would I?”

“Hare lip!” they both yelled together, then howled in laughter some more.

“Well, he’s right here, buddy bud McBuddenstein bundle buck-o bing,” said Jo Jo. “Let me introduce Go Go the Monkeyboy!”

Go Go stepped out from behind the curtains and walked across the stage. “Good evening, gentlemonkeys,” he said with some sort of twisted approximation of an upper-class accent.

“Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha hah hah hah! Oh Go Go! You are the star of the show show!” cried out Popo.

“Thank you,” sniffed Go Go. “I… am an actor!”

Popo and Jo Jo nearly squealed in delight.

“I love a dub dub it!” Popo grinned. “Howya like dem apples?”

“I’m just a bad widdle boy!” Jo Jo added.

The three Monkeyboys laughed some more. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and yet I couldn’t look away. It was like some sort of horrific accident or disaster that hypnotizes you into staring endlessly.

“I… am an actor!”

“I’m just a bad widdle boy!”

“Howya like dem apples!”

Suddenly the door to the auditorium burst open. In flew Hojo the Monkeyboy.

“Awk!” he screeched. “Time for this bird to fly!”

The other Monkeyboys squealed like some sort of pack of over-excited teenagers at a Rutles concert. They all danced around each other and hopped up and down.

“I’m just a bad widdle boy!”

“I… am an actor!”

“Howya like dem apples!”

“Awk! Time for this bird to fly!”

The maniacally-laughing creatures collapsed on the ground. Rolling back and forth and laughing, Jo Jo Sr. turned to Hojo and asked “So where have you been, chummy chum chum comrade?”

“Well, I was ‘kicking for Hawk,” said Hojo. “But then I accidentally got sucked out of the window of his ship. I’ve been ‘kicking around with some other guys, though, like Hawk, Hawk, General Hawk, Hawkeye, Stringfellow Hawke, Hawkeye, The Blackhawks, Streethawk, Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards, The SilverHawks, Hudson Hawk, Tony Hawk, Thunder Hawk, Hawkman, Hawkmen, and The Eagles. None of them really worked out, so I’m pretty much in between gigs right now.”

“Well don’t you worry, my fine fuzzy, furry, feathered, freckled, French-toast eating friend,” said Jo Jo. “You’re in the ISP; I’ll make sure you get a job.”

“Woo hoo!” Said Hojo. “That’s the swellest news I’ve heard all day! Come to think of it, that’s the only news I’ve heard all day. Hoo hoo hoo hah ha hah hah!”

“Hey, I’m a sidekick on a ship for the Queen’s Fleet!” exclaimed Popo. “Maybe I could get you a job on one! Except, I’m on leave right now and I’m not sure where my ship went! Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Hello father,” came a voice from the doorway. A shadowed figure stepped through it and was bathed in light.

“Mojo!” cried Jo Jo Sr. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve come to see you, father,” said the younger Monkeyboy.

“Son,” Jo Jo looked at Mojo sternly. “When are you going to get your act together? Every time the Intergalactic Sidekickery Phorce tries to get you a job, you turn it down. Your ‘kicking career has been a disappointment to me and your family.”

“I know dad,” said Mojo glumly.

“Why are you here, anyway, young man?” Jo Jo demanded.

“I just wanna…”

“You just wanna what?”

“I… I….” the young Mojo looked around like he wanted to say something important.

“Well?” Jo Jo Sr. looked like he was beginning to lose his patience.

“I just wanted to say…” Mojo managed to blurt out, but then his voice trailed off once again.

“What?” Jo Jo glared at his son.

The two Monkeyboys looked at each other. The other Monkeyboys looked at them. The room was silent. Mojo opened his mouth, the Monkeyboys leaned forward.

“You my bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!”

Jo Jo the Movie Focus Group

We showed a screening of the Jo Jo movie to a select and diverse group of volunteers. Sinew Nu, Jo Jo Sr. and I watched their reactions to the movie. After the showing, the three of us spoke with the group to get their reactions.



"OK people," said Sinew Nu. "What do you think of the basic story that you just saw?"

"A great story about a Monkeyboy. Howya like dem apples?" said Popo the Monkeyboy.

"I liked it," said HelmeTess, Acolyte to the goddess of Helmets.

"That movie was really swell! I like when they flew to the moon!" said Astromite.
"The Gaijun Monkeyboy was very heroic. Him saving that city from a giant monster was very exciting," said Captain Shogun.

"It sucked," said Goth Girl.

"Hmmm, OK," said Sinew Nu. "What scene really grabbed you?"
"The first time he said his catchphrase, that really cracked me up. Howya like dem apples?" said Popo.
"Like I said, when he defended Japan from the sludge monster. Also, that chase scene. Very exciting," said Captain Shogun.
"When Jo Jo slipped on that banana peel, that was so funny! I also liked when Jo Jo was on that bike with Elliot and they flew in front of the moon," said Astromite.
"Seeing cameos of well-known characters was quite interesting," said Gyrobo.
"Like cookies," said Cookie Monster.
"When Jo Jo sacrificed himself at the end, that was really sad. I almost cried a little," said Elixer.
"It sucked," said Goth Girl.

"Interesting," Sinew Nu looked down at his notes. "OK, what part of it didn't work for you? If you could change one part, what would it be?"
"More cookies!" said Cookie Monster.
"I loved every single pin-it minute innit. Howya like dem apples?" said Popo.
"I might have included a task from the Goddess of Helmets. He could then earn a reward from her -- a helmet!" said HelmeTess.
"That movie was swell! I wouldn't change a thing!" said Astromite.
"Did he like bananas? That song where he sang about all the banana-related products seemed a little subtle," said Captain Shogun.
"If I were you, I'd take all the film and burn it. That movie was la-ame. It sucked," said Goth Girl.
"Excellent," smiled Sinew Nu. "Gentlemen, I think we have ourselves a hit."

"Yippee yo yahoo-ieee ieee iee!" exclaimed Jo Jo Sr.

"What about what that Goth Girl was saying?" I asked. "Don't you think she made a valid point?"

"What, about it 'sucking?'" he chuckled. "What does she know? She's just a grumpy teenager. She's probably a mutant or something, they always have issues."
"Hey!" said Elixer.

Jo Jo the Movie?

I stormed into J'onn Sinew Nu's office clutching the script.

“What kind of crap is this?” I demanded.

“Jon, my boy,” Sinew Nu lit up a fat cigar. “I think that you fail to see the big picture.

“No, I see the big picture alright,” I answered. “I see a script for a very bad movie. I see a movie that’s going to bomb completely and horribly. I see a very bad idea right here.”

“Jon, let me ask you a question,” Sinew Nu took a puff. “How many movies have you produced?”

“Well, none,” I conceded.

“See,” Sinew Nu tried to sound like he knew everything about everything. “Then you don’t know what sells. I, on the other hand, am the Senior Vice President of Marketing and Talent Coordination for the largest intergalactic gladiating federation in the galaxy. I think I know a little something about talent.”

“OK, then,” I said. “How many movies have you produced?”

“Me, personally? None. But I’ve been involved with a lot of projects,” he tugged the lapels of his coat. “A lot of projects in the entertainment industry and it’s time that the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment and Sinewco bankrolls a film like this.”

“Uh huh,” I stared at him blankly. I can’t believe that this is happening. Check that, with Sinew Nu involved, I can very much believe something like this is happening.

“I can see it now! Sinewco and IGE present: Jo Jo: Portrait of a Sidekick Monkeyboy! That’s why I sent Jo Jo to go see you with the script,” Sinew Nu added.

“You realize that he stalked me for a week before he actually showed it to me?” I countered. “Why would he do that?”

“I’m sure he was just real shy,” Sinew Nu answered. “You are, after all, his son’s former hero.”

“But what if I had shot him?”

“Oh he’d be fine,” Sinew Nu dismissed the thought with a wave. “Those Monkeyboys are a resilient lot.”

“Yeah, but see, I’m in the middle of Last Gladiator Standing,” I said. “How am I supposed to have time to do all of this?”

“That’s why I want you to do it!” Sinewco avoided my actual question. “You’re in the middle of the sidekick challenge, Jo Jo Jr. was a sidekick, Jo Jo Sr. is a consultant for the Intergalactic Sidekickery Phorce right here on Hacknor. We use their sidekicks and in turn, they write a movie for us to produce. It’s what we call synergy here in the corporate world.”

“Synergy?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Synergy,” he repeated.

“Synergy,” I harrumphed.

“Synergy!” he said once again, pumping a lot of excitement into the word.

“Fine,” if he says that word one more time, I may have to pull his ears off. “Have you actually read the script, though?”

“Well…. I saw a part of it,” Sinew Nu tried to dance around the subject. “I’m a very busy man.”

I opened up the script and I flipped through looking for a particular scene.

What scene is Jon looking for? Tune in tomorow!

Stalked?

Yep, Last Gladiator Standing is going very well. So well, in fact, that if I were wont to do it, I would light up and smoke a big fat cigar and smoke it in celebration.

Still, something just doesn't feel right. It's nothing concrete; I can't put my finger on it, but there seems to be something wrong.

I looked around, Hudson was standing over a catering table, eating a donut and chatting up some of the crew for the show. Some of the contestants were relaxing in front of the camera or giving voiceovers for the sound guys. J'onn Sinew Nu, being the guy who actually would stand around smoking a stogie, was doing just that, beaming with pride at the hard work everyone else was doing.

I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary, or at least what passes for ordinary on Hacknor, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched. Looking around suspiciously, I decided to make a break for it. I casually walked up to my ship, the Danger Sled and made it look like I was getting into it.

Instead, I flew off on a hovercycle and sent my ship into orbit with my Wristcomm. I raced towards Fire Island Echo (Actually an isthmus) and maneuvered into the parking lot of the promenade. Keeping a sharp eye out, I made my way to the top level, then looked around trying to see anyone who might be following me.



I don't see anybody, though. What's going on here, anyway?

Oh yeah, speaking of donut:

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image. On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex. You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time. Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

What Donut Are You?