Thursday, October 30, 2008

Happenin' Halloween Party at Germaine's Pad

Germaine Gregarious is having a Halloween party and I am so there. Her parties are always so awesome and yes I know technically she’s my opponent in the presidential race, but her parties are so awesome. Did I mention her parties are awesome?

As a side note, contrary to reports on the matter, I did not throw up all over Germaine’s nice carpeting at her last party. I am too much of a gentleman for such nasty behavior. I am also such a gentleman that I apologized politely after that one loud, wet burp during said party. Thank you.

So the first thing that I have to do is get my costume together. The one I had from last year turned out pretty well, but I’m looking for something with a little more oomph in the kick butt department, if you know what I mean. Fortunately for me, I live only about a mile from Chicago’s biggest costume shop with the Midwest’s biggest selection of costumes. Open late to serve you better!

Here’s my costume, I picked it myself. I don’t play the HALO game myself because sometimes it feels too much like real life for me with the fighting aliens and the shooting and running. Who wants to play some computer game that simulates what you do in real life anyway? Despite that, I hear that it’s all the rage with the kids these days and I’m hep to that, cats.

Unfortunately, I think there was some kind of a screw up because this is what I got.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: I Support Jon

When I look out at who’s running for president of the United States of America in this election, a lot of things come to mind.

The first thing that comes to mind is “Which candidate has the credentials to save us from a Wendigo attack?” I can only think of one person: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The next thing that I think about is “Which candidate is most qualified to protect our country from radioactive meteors or other threats from space?” Intelligent symbiotes and other powerful alien threats have set their sites on our planet and the United States in particular. We need someone who’s ready for this challenge and that somebody is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The third thing that I think about is “Which candidate is most prepared to deal with a time-displaced pirate ship?” I think the answer is obvious to all: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The next thing that I think about when I think of who I should vote for in this election is “Which candidate is ready to negotiate with foreign powers – foreign powers who conventionally have not been negotiated with in the past – foreign powers located deep beneath the sea? Also, which candidate is capable of handling threats like the magically powerful avatar of Cyttorak?” That answer again, is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The final thing that I think about is “Which candidate would I like to totally make out with in a hot Orlando nightclub?” Sure Dr. Zaius is up there with his musky manly (Apey?) chest, but the answer again must be Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Too bad he’s married. Sigh, a girl can dream though, right?

That is why I, Jan the Intergalactic Aviator, am pleased to announce that I fully support Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator for president of the United States. He’s got the good people, believe me. One time I saw him attack a Golan IV space station single handedly and capture the commander after battling through waves of defense droids and station technicians. Sure, later he found out that he attacked the wrong one and was like “Ooops, sorry” but seeing him in action against all those troops from Pacifar IX was a sight to behold.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a man of action, thank you and good night.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.
I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message, er well sort of. Seriously, why'd she have to talk about that whole deal from Pacifar IX?

Thursday, October 16, 2008


My fellow Americans, there are a lot of important issues being talked about right now. Seems like issues are kind of like the weather – there’s a lot of talking about the issues, but no one’s doing anything about the issues.

(Hold for laughter)

That’s why I am here tonight, to talk about one very important issue facing our country today – the economy. Let me assure you that my economic plan is way better than all the other candidates. Way, way better. Totally better. Is it a million times better, as my daughter would ask? A million is a lot and that’s tough to gauge, but at this juncture I would like to say yes. Yes, it is.

When I talked to Joe the Plumber the other day, he was worried about losing his job and his home because of our current economic troubles. Well I say to you now, Joe the Plumber, yes we can! Yes we can fight for a better America, yes we can fight for a better tomorrow, yes we can do our jobs and come home safe and secure in the fact that our homes are our own.

Thank you.

There’s another issue facing this campaign and it’s one of character. Someone likes to think that he or she and his or her running mate are mavericks and that it’s going to take a maverick to stick it to those lazy fatcats in Washington. But let me tell you right now, they are not the mavericks, I am the maverick.


That’s right, I’m the maverick. I’m so far out of Washington that they don’t even see me coming. I’m that mavericky of a maverick. I am more of a maverick than all the other mavericks and their maverickocity doesn’t even come close to my mavericktude. My maverick is maverick maverick. As Papa Maverick used to say on the Mavericks, one of my favorite cartoons when I was growing up “Maverick for your lives, my little Mavericks.” Maverick maverick maverick.

Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick. Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick, maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick… maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick. Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick; averick maverick (maverick maverick maverick) maverick maverick.

So in conclusion, maverick.

Thank you and goodnight.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed colleagues, loyal supporters, members of the press. I stand before you today with a very important message to everyone.

In these difficult times, symbols become an important part of defining who we are. For instance, the American flag lapel pin. Many proud citizens of the United States do not wear an American flag lapel pin, but often when one is under the scrutiny of the public eye it becomes clear that people look for these images to portray strong character and a sense of patriotism.

Now I would hardly think that my patriotism would ever come into question. I love my country. I have proudly served in the armed forces and was a key component in the alternate reserve backup backup plan for the ground campaign of Operation Desert Storm. Additionally, I was in the front charge in 1991’s Operation Dessert Storm and was personally responsible for securing several crates of baklava as well as two bunkers containing high levels of tiramisu.

I would hardly think that my patriotism would come into question and yet it has. There are questions being asked right now whether or not I am fit to lead this country because I did not wear a lapel pin to a recent beach party. I would like to assure you all right here and now that the fact that I did or did not wear a lapel pin should not be the one sole factor in judging whether or not I have the competence necessary be the president of the United States. There are many, many other factors that should be used to judge my competence.

Despite that, I find it necessary to wear a lapel pin at this time.

Am I caving to pressure? I am not, I already own this lapel pin and I would wear it anyway. It’s not like I went to some specialty American Flag lapel pin shop located near Kostner and Belmont and asked for one that was slightly larger than the flags worn by my esteemed opposition.

“But Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” you might say. “That American flag lapel pin certainly looks big but I think I’ve seen bigger. A real American would wear a bigger American flag lapel pin.” Well you may be right; you may be wrong. Who’s to say? All I can say is, well I just happen to have a slightly larger lapel pin that I could wear as well.

But then you might say “But Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, I’ve seen some of the people you’re running against and I think one of them have an American flag lapel pin about that size as well.” Well maybe they do and maybe they don’t, but I’ll betcha they don’t have one this size.

But then you might think that maybe, just maybe someone has an American flag lapel pin this size as well. Well let me assure you that I will not be outdone. Like Casey Jones or John Henry or Norton P. Bismarck, I am not going to let one little bump in the road dissolve my resolve. That’s why I have this American flag lapel pin.

Does size matter? In some instances, yes it does.

Thank you and good night.