Thursday, May 28, 2009

Haiku Summer: Add-a-mendemum

OK, so I missed a couple of comments in an earlier post. I’m not sure how that happened. I’m here to make it up to you because you know what they say? They say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator always gets his man!” No wait, that doesn’t sound right. They say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator sometimes writes haiku or something.” That doesn’t sound quite right either. Whatever. It is all good, as they say.

For Henchman:
He is the Henchman
Sneaky, dirty, conniving
And a great dancer

Mechanical strength
Summons beast from the abyss
Plus that winning smile

For Dr. Zaius:
Robot hands of No
Held cash for the Chinese mob
Now they are glowing

On top of that, last week at the Absorbascon, he had Haiku Tuesday. Check out these fresh beats:

The Flash is as smart
As the Green Lantern is dumb
They're the Odd Couple.

Friday, May 22, 2009


Holy cow everybody. I almost just totally missed my fourth blogoversary. We need to go back and take a look at my previous ones!

Look at that! It’s my third blogversary and it just snuck up on us like that. I’ve been blogging here since May 20, 2005 and you know what that means? I need to get out more.

More importantly, it means that we need to celebrate. Go ahead and get yourself a drink. Make it a Yo Joe Cola or a glass of Champagne, I’ll wait.

Alright, as is my custom, let’s take a look back at my last few blogversaries, shall we?

On Throneworld, in the throne room of the Queen of the Galaxy, an unusual cast of characters gather. The group includes Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Gladiator, Major Rocksun, Royal Technician Lombarr, and Queen Galacta IX herself, of course.

I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors and into the room. My heals made a distinct and echoing clacking sound as I strode across the regal floor towards the Queen’s ornate seat.

I gave a quick bow “Your majesty.”

“Welcome once again, Gladiator,” the Queen acknowledged. “To what do we owe this honor?”

“Queen Galacta,” I paused and turned to the others. “Major Rockson, Private Hudson, Jan, Lombarr and everybody else here, this is a special day. A very special day.”

“What is it?” asked Jan.

“What could it be?” asked Rocksun.

“Is it V-Day?” asked Hudson. “Or D-Day? Or VD-Day?”

“VD-Day?” grimaced Jan. “Ew.”

“Nope,” I grinned. “It’s my second Blogoversary!”

“Wow,” Jan said. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you, thank you,” I said. “Lombarr, would you be so kind as to throw up last year’s Blogoversary post on the telemonitor?”

“Certainly.” Lombarr threw a switch and the post showed up on the viewer.

Along the way, we found Hudson.

"Tractor beam off?" I asked Hudson.

"Sure is," he replied. "I took out some troops along the way, too."


"Yup," he nodded. "Totally quiet and sneaky-like. I am like Snake Eyes, a stone cold totally quiet killer. They never saw me coming."

"So you're silent but violent?" I asked.

"You got it," he grinned, full of pride.

I stopped.

"Wait a minute, what's today's date?"

"You mean on Earth, or the Queen's Galactic Calendar?" asked Jan.

"On Earth," I replied. I dialed up the calendar on my Wristcomm. "Hey, it's May 19th!"

"So?" shrugged Hudson.

"Tomorrow is my one year blogoversary!" I answered, allowing for more excitement than my current situation should allow.

"Oh, well, happy blogoversary," said Hudson.

"Yes, happy blogoversary," smiled Jan. Then she looked down. "I don't have a blog."

"Maybe some day you will," I answered. "Hey, why don't we take a look at my first post."

Jan and Hudson nodded in agreement and I called up my blog on my Wristcomm, then went to the first entry:

I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket.

Holding the weapon aloft, I yelled to the crowd "The 'eyes' have it!" The audience was beside itself, roaring and cheering my victory.

Victory, thy taste is sweet.

"That was... nice," Jan said.

"I liked that action hero line," Hudson smiled. "The eyes have it! The eyes have it! The eyes have it!"

"Yeah, well, sometimes I need work on those lines." I looked out past the fourth wall. "I want to thank everyone who's visited me here for the past year. You know who you are, go on stand up and give yourselves a big hand. Great. Now, just the ladies. Now just the men. Now just the men pretending to be ladies. Ha, I got you! Now you two in the back! Go on, stand up and clap."

Thank you.

“That was splendid” said the Queen.

“Thank you,” I said. “And thanks to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. You’re the reason I’m doing this. Give yourselves a round of applause and keep watching the skies!”

Cool. I had a lot of fun writing the blog this year and I’ve want to thank all of my new Junior Intergalactic Gladiators that have found their way here as well as the ole faithful who’ve been around already. Thanks for stopping by these past twelve months; you make this old Intergalactic Gladiator proud. Go on, give yourselves a hand.

Like I said, this year’s been fun and there were quite a few happenings along the way: Jan had a great adventure with the Bandit, I saved Dr. Zaius from a giant Jimmy Olsen robot, I started up the Separated at Birth Series and the iDoodles, and I took a picture of a deer peeing. Oh yeah, I’m also running for president. So tell me, what was your favorite Intergalactic Gladiator moment from this past year? Go on, I’m listening…

That was super. I hope everyone had a swell time reading my blog this year.

#@(*&% Blagojevich burgers are on me! Yum-o!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Haiku Summer IV

OK, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I had a lot of fun with the haiku, so let’s end this with a bang. Submit your requests in the comments section below.

Summer’s just starting
Warm air, sunshine, nice weather
Let’s go see Star Trek

Captain Han Solo
Is all mushy for Leia
Laugh it up, fuzzball

For Dr. Zaius:
Sarah L Palin
She’s on a bridge to nowhere
Please, just go away

Update: For Captain Picard:
They're brave on Stargate
Jumping through a big portal
That looks like a loo

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Haiku Summer III

Don’t stop me now kids, I’m on a roll!

(Well not literally. I don’t go around sitting on bread, that would be silly. You know what I mean)

For Captain Picard:
Money's tight right now
Even on the Enterprise
Worf gets out to push

Star Fleet's strapped for cash
Those Dilythium Crystals
Sure are expensive

For Jason Todd:
Jason Todd was caught
Stealing hubcaps from Batman
So make him Robin?

For MWB:
He wants no culture
Online, but can we have boobs
As well as good taste?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Haiku Summer, Part II

Writing haikus is fun! It’s fun and cultured! I got so much culture, it’s coming out of my butt.

I’m totally jazzed that you are getting into it too; did you see the haiku from Captain Picard and Yoda? Yoda even wrote a great one about Gollum. Here are some more haiku for your enjoymentude:

I love my wife and
Want to make love to her bod
As well as her mind

My daughter Kiera
Really really loves horses
I won’t buy her one

Paxton is talking
Naming everything he sees
Seagulls are now hawks

OK Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I’ll write more if you want them.

Put your requests in the comments.

Intergalactic Gladiators, ho!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Haiku Summer

Summer of what?

That’s right, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I’m on a haiku kick right now and I’ll write one just for you. It can be about anything, politics, space travel, movies. You name it (just ix-nay on the onkeyboy-may, OK?)!

Just to start things off a little, I wrote this one for Dr. Zaius’s post about Bristol Palin going on the talk show circuit to talk about abstinence:

Bristol's on TV
Showing us her abstinence
Good job, you dummy

So come one, come all. Send in your orders via the comment section below. This is just like Summer of iDoodles, but with poetry, so you know it’s cultured!

Update! For Dr. Zaius:

One haiku for brains
And one for chocolate cake
Or one that has both?

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Most Interesting Man in the Galaxy

He once built a powerful supercomputer using only duct tape, two circuit boards, a ship’s steering wheel, and a less powerful supercomputer.

He once surfed the tail of a comet because it seemed like a cool thing to do.

He once defended a small village on planet Cruxes IV from a giant gelatin monster using only a fifty gallon drum of whipped cream and a wooden spoon.

He once made a suit entirely out of bacon and dared the lions at the zoo to take a bite.

None took him up on it.

He is the most interesting man in the galaxy.

“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, it’s Dos Equis. I mean, usually, sometimes I’ll have a Sierra Nevada or maybe even a PBR if that’s all they have. Oh wait, it’s Cinco de Mayo! Of course I’m drinking a Dos Equis, that’s all I have. It’s way better than that Corona stuff.

Stay thirsty, my friends.”