On Space Station Alpha, Part VI

The two torpedoes raced to the station. They grew brighter and brighter as they grew closer and closer.

“Oh man…” Hudson stared at the ordinance coming straight at us.

“This is going to suck…” I added.

The torpedoes exploded in a bright flash. I winced and turned away. There was a moment where I expected to feel the explosion or get sucked out into space, but nothing happened. I turned and looked back out the window and I saw another ship shooting past. Energy bolts lanced out from her cannon straight at our assailant.

“Look there,” Major Rocksun pointed. “Who is that?”

“That looks like the Pegasus Elite!” I shouted out. “It’s Jan the Intergalactic Aviator.”

“Game… not over?” Hudson asked.

“We are truly indebted to her for her actions here,” Queen Galacta said.

The attacking craft quickly maneuvered away from the Pegasus Elite and the two ships quickly locked into a dangerous dogfight. They arced and turned and twisted around each other

“Go get ‘em, Jan!” Hudson shouted.

“They’re heading into that asteroid field!” Major Rocksun called out.

“They’re circling that big rock!” Hudson added to the play-by-play.”

“It looks as if they have the angle on Jan!” I said.

“Look out, Jan! Look out!” Queen Galacta couldn’t help but to get into the fight as well.

The aggressor fired several shots at Jan’s ship and an explosion flashed through the darkness. We couldn’t see the Pegasus Elite anywhere.

“Is she…?” Queen Galacta asked.

“That explosion…” Major Rocksun shook his head. “Too large for just a rock.”

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: I Support Jon

When I look out at who’s running for president of the United States of America in this election, a lot of things come to mind.

The first thing that comes to mind is “Which candidate has the credentials to save us from a Wendigo attack?” I can only think of one person: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The next thing that I think about is “Which candidate is most qualified to protect our country from radioactive meteors or other threats from space?” Intelligent symbiotes and other powerful alien threats have set their sites on our planet and the United States in particular. We need someone who’s ready for this challenge and that somebody is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The third thing that I think about is “Which candidate is most prepared to deal with a time-displaced pirate ship?” I think the answer is obvious to all: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The next thing that I think about when I think of who I should vote for in this election is “Which candidate is ready to negotiate with foreign powers – foreign powers who conventionally have not been negotiated with in the past – foreign powers located deep beneath the sea? Also, which candidate is capable of handling threats like the magically powerful avatar of Cyttorak?” That answer again, is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The final thing that I think about is “Which candidate would I like to totally make out with in a hot Orlando nightclub?” Sure Dr. Zaius is up there with his musky manly (Apey?) chest, but the answer again must be Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Too bad he’s married. Sigh, a girl can dream though, right?

That is why I, Jan the Intergalactic Aviator, am pleased to announce that I fully support Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator for president of the United States. He’s got the good people, believe me. One time I saw him attack a Golan IV space station single handedly and capture the commander after battling through waves of defense droids and station technicians. Sure, later he found out that he attacked the wrong one and was like “Ooops, sorry” but seeing him in action against all those troops from Pacifar IX was a sight to behold.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a man of action, thank you and good night.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress. I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message, er well sort of. Seriously, why'd she have to talk about that whole deal from Pacifar IX?

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: Seven Things

Jon tagged me with this Seven Things Meme. I think you all know what’s up with it by now, so here we go. First the rules, then the seven things.
List seven random things about yourself that people may not know.

Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.

Post the rules on your blog.

Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I am originally from Earth. Yes my name really is Jan O’Mega. Whenever I meet someone from Earth somewhere off of Earth they always say something like “Small universe, isn’t it?” No it’s not, the universe is vast and nearly infinite. Comments like that make me want to punch them in the throat.

2. I used to bulls eye womp rats in a T-16 on Tatooine. I’ve scored more kills than you-know-who.

3. I flew for the Terran Confederacy for a while against the Kilrathi. I scored more kills than a certain wing commander.

4. I also flew a Mark II Viper for the Colonies. I scored more kills against the Cylons than a certain lieutenant. Boy did she bitch about that.

5. I beat the Kobayashi Maru. I told a certain someone how to beat it, too, and Starfleet made him a captain.

6. I first met Jon on the Orion Express but to be honest, I had been a fan of his for quite a while before that. Don’t tell him that though, I’d hate to see it go to his head.

7. I won the Pegasus Elite in a card game. I kept it by punching out the previous owner when he tried to take it back.

Hudson and the Hudson Detective Agency Players starring in "Call Me Hudson"

The night had enough precipitation in it for the pretty weather girls to go from calling it “drab” to “dreary.” I sat behind my desk and poured myself one more shot. The desk was mahogany and the shot was cheap bourbon. If only I were as strong as either.

The phone rang. I knew who it was even before I picked up the reciever. Charlie down at Joe’s coffee house and I go way back. Every Thursday I show up and he makes me dinner. At least one night a week I get a good meal.

My name is Private Hudson, I’m a complete dick. No wait, that’s private dick. I’ve been hammering out a living doing this for too long and eventually it’s going to catch up to me. Dying like a dog in the street over some cheatin’ dame ain’t no way to go. Now a blimp accident on the other hand – that’s a good way to die. Having the cab of a semi truck crash down on top of you, that’s another good way to die. Maybe not the way I’d want to, but it would make a pretty cool ending to a movie, I bet.

I was jarred out of my malaise by the phone ringing again. Like I said before, I knew who it was.

“Yellow,” I said into the phone after I picked it up.

“Hey Mac, what’ll it be tonight?” Yeah, it was Charlie all right.

“Pork chopsh and applesaucshe,” I answered. You have to say it the cool way so everyone knows you’re a 1920’s-style tough guy. “And don’t you skimp on the applesauce, either. You hear me pal?”

“Ha ha, I hear ya,” Charlie laughed back. “I’ll see you in ten.”

“Make it five,” I replied. “It’s deader around here than a mortician’s daughter’s bed on her wedding night.”

“You got it, Mac.”

“And don’t call me Mac,” I snapped back. “It’s too cheesy.”

I put the phone down and looked up to see a dame in the doorway. Normally, I’d say that dames were all trouble, but this one looked classy. As in classy trouble.

She sauntered up to me and leaned in close. Her hips bounced back and forth as she walked like some beautiful apple tied to a string and swung back and forth like some kind of appley pendulum.

“You got a cigarette, Sparky?” she purred.

“You know those things’ll kill ya,” I replied.

“I didn’t come here for the doctor’s report,” she snapped back huskily. “You got one or not?”

“Sure. Sure I got one.” I reached into my desk and pulled a pack out from the C-rations sitting there. Her ruby red lips quivered just a bit as she slid it into her mouth. I reached up with my lighter and she took a puff.

“I need a man,” she said in a near whisper.

“I’m all man,” I answered. “Don’t let that full page ad in Variety fool you.”

“The thing is,” she said as she puffed a cloud of smoke out of her mouth. “I need a real man.”

“If you want a real man, then I am your man.” I answered with just a bit of a smirk. Wow her legs looked good. They were wrapped in the sweetest pair of silk that I ever saw. And her can was really nice, too. Nice enough to make a man beg for buttermilk.

She leaned in close. I drew up out of my seat. Her full lips were pouty like a baby on Sunday. Her hair bounced off her shoulder in a cascade of raven.

Wait a minute, why do they call it raven? The Baltimore Ravens wear a lot of purple. Her hair ain’t purple. Not from what I can see anyways.

Anyway, her dark hair cascaded down to her shoulders and bounced just a bit as she moved in closer. She licked her crimson lips and drew a long, deep breath. Though I never commanded it to, I felt my body leaning even closer towards her. I felt all tingly inside like some confused kid seeing a pretty face for the first time. I better call Charlie back and tell him to hold off on my order of pork chopsh and applesaucshe.

“See, what I wanted to tell you was…” she trailed off and her face drew even closer to mine.

“Yeah?” I said. I could smell her perfume now. It smelled like lilacs. Or maybe petunias. Hell I don’t know, I’m not a botanist. It smelled pretty, and pretty expensive.

“That…” she said in barely a whisper.

“Go on,” I replied just as quietly.

“Stop doing this 1920’s-style detective shtick!” she yelled as she grabbed my cheeks with her hand.

“Ow ow ow ow! OK!” I gasped as the steel-like grip of her steel-like claws wrenched even harder into my cheeks.

“God, Hudson, you are such an idiot,” she growled through her perfectly clenched teeth. “I already did a noir style detective story three months ago for Next Top Hero.”

“Ow ow ow!” I said “OK! Stop squeezing my cheeks like this, it smarts.”

“You don’t know what smart is,” she said as she snapped my head back and let go. “You don’t know what pain is, either. You pull a stunt like this again and I’ll make you hurt so bad you’ll be crying in a bucket ‘til Tuesday.”

“Oh yeah, izzat so?” I asked. “Well maybe if you make it hurt real good, I’ll like it.”

“Shut up,” she rolled her eyes. With a spin that made her look like she was floating mere inches off the ground, she turned her back and her perfect ass to me and slid away towards the door. As the door slammed shut and I saw the sign on the front of it drop to the ground like a wooden body being dumped into the East River I could think of only one thing to say.

“Applesauce.”

"Call Me Hudson" courtesy of Dr. Zaius.
Pulp meme by way of That's My Skull.

The Search Continues to Continue

I made a list of potential candidates because as you know, my Uncle Marv always used to say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, if you’re ever in a situation where you’re running for the president of the United States, make sure you make a list of potential candidates for vice president. That way, you can go over the pros and cons of what each person brings to the table. Also, never squirt a turkey baster full of lemon juice up your nose. It stings like the dickens.”

Uncle Marv was definitely onto something with his advice. Even the lemon juice part. So I compiled a list. Here it is:


Jan the Intergalactic Aviator
Pros: She's competent, smart, and knows how to handle tough situations. Could potentially corner the female vote.
Cons: She already declined.


Private Hudson
Pros: Uh, military experience?
Cons: Everything else.


Mr. Bennet
Pros: Mr. Bennet typically exudes a quiet competence. He has a background that may or may not include a lot of work with the government. He looks good in a suit.
Cons: His brain doesn't seem to be working at full capacity right now.


Tony Stark
Pros: Long standing ties to the government and SHIELD. Former secretary of defense.
Cons: People are still sore over that whole Civil War fiasco. As Iron Man, he's likely shot people in the head before. Yes, a former secretary of defense as a vice president who shoots people in the head. Boy, I'm never going to tire of that joke, huh?


Bruce Wayne
Pros: Also a wealthy industrialist -- we can trust those people in power, right? Would be a good anti-crime candidate.
Cons: He always seems wound so tightly. instead of a heartbeat away from the presidency, he'll be a heartbeat away from a nervous breakdown.


Scott Summers
Pros: A team player.
Cons: He's kind of like Private Hudson, but without the military discipline.

These candidates definitely won't do. I need a candidate who's larger than life. Someone who's a real hero to everyone out there. Someone who can take the vice presidency and transform it into something that America can be proud of.

My search for a VP

“You said that you needed to talk to me, Jon?”

It was Jan the Intergalactic Aviator. And she was wearing one ridiculous outfit.

“I wanted to ask you to be my running mate,” I said. “You might want to change your wardrobe a bit though.”

“Very funny there, Groucho,” she muttered back. “What do you mean you want me to be your running mate?”

“I’m running for president.”

“Of what, the Three Stooges Fan Club?” she asked.

“Who’s the comedian now?” I replied. “No, I’m running for president of the United States and I want you to be my vice president.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m serious,” I insisted.

“Why me?”

“I think you’re competent,” I said. “You’re good at what you do, you’re smart, and you’ve saved the Earth, what, four times now?”

“Five, not that anyone on Earth even knows,” she smiled. “There’s something else here. Why are you really asking me?”

“I told you why,” I said. “I think you’re a great choice for VP.”

“No, really.”

“I’m serious,” I insisted. “I need a strong partner on this ticket. Do you see what I’m running against?”

“Wait a minute, I know why you want me to run,” she nodded knowingly. “It’s because Dr. Zaius has that lesbian running mate, isn’t it?”

“What? I’m shocked that you’d say that!” I said with a shocked tone in my voice.

“Right. I’m going to have to say no.”

“What? Aw come on, why not?”

“Look, I’ve got too much on my plate already,” Jan answered. “I’m already competing in this World Stop Hero Challenge or whatever the frack it’s called and I’m still trying to recoup my losses from that stupid adventure I had with that idiot Bandit.”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “I read about that.”

“Right. So read my lips: no. I do not want to be your running mate. I do not want to be a part of this race. I do not want you using me to try to get the hot lesbian vote, not that I am one, not that there’s anything wrong with it. I don’t want to be vice president.”

OK, back to the drawing board.

The Star Destoryer Loomed Over Us

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

Bandit and I were in the Pegasus Elite and close to getting away from Gordo the Hutt and his gang aboard the Star Destroyer Naal’taa but they were giving pursuit with their weapons charged.

“They’re in range,” Bandit said worriedly while looking through at the sensor scope. “We’re sitting ducks… like a three legged mule on Main Street.”

“That,” I replied while gritting my teeth. “Does not make sense.”

“Yeah, well it won’t matter in just a couple seconds,” Bandit shrugged. “Been nice knowing you, Jan O’Mega. You’re a real sweet gal.”

“I think that’s the first time you’ve ever called me by my name,” I answered. “That’s nice.”

“You think so, pretty lady?”

“There you go again with the ‘pretty lady’ bit,” I rolled my eyes. “And I thought we were making progress.”

“Listen to me and listen to me now, you frelling cow,” B’Sogg’s unmistakable voice rattled my com speakers. “Before you die, I wanted you to know who killed you.”

“B’Sogg?” Bandit dragged his hand down his face in a combination of wonder and disgust. “You shot him twice, he must have the constitution of a racehorse on a warp track.”

“That almost made sense,” I snorted. I then keyed the mic on the com. “B’Sogg, I don’t suppose that we could talk about this, could we?”

“Time for talk is over,” B’Sogg growled back. “Now it’s time to die.”

“I thought you rewired that ship so we could escape,” Bandit said desperately.

“I did!” I yelled back. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

Turbolaser fire began to lance out towards us from the looming capital ship. Just as I ran out of running room, the ship shot past us and leapt into warp.

Breathing heavily, Bandit uncurled his fingers from the control panel and looked at me. “You did it! I don’t know what you did, but you did it!”

“I sent it to Coruscant,” I grinned. “Imperial Center. Right in front of the fleet guarding the planet.”

Bandit laughed heartily. “Yeeehaw! You did it! We made it! Great work, Jan.”

“You know,” I laughed. “I kind of like it when you call me Jan.”

“Really?” he grinned. “What else do you like?”

“I’ll show you.” I stood up and gave him a soft kiss on his lips. The look on his face said it all.

“Jan, you’re a real surprise. I’ll tell you that.”

“I’ve got another surprise for you.” I got up and beckoned for him to follow. Like a drooling puppy, he chased after me until I reached a door. “In here.”

“Is that your--?” he strained to look. I wrapped my arms around him in a tight embrace.

“I said that I had a surprise for you.” I punched the open button and the door hissed open.

“Waitaminute, that’s a--!”

Before Bandit could finish his sentence, I quickly executed a circle throw and flipped him right into the escape pod. I then punched the button and the doors slid shut.

“What are you doing?” Bandit pounded on the small porthole. “Let me out of here!”

“I don’t know what’s worse,” My breath condensed on the window as I growled. “Your stupid get rich quick scheme or the fact that you almost got me killed with it.”

“Aw come on, let me out, sweetie,” Bandit pleaded. “I’m not from around here and I don’t have a ride home.”

“And who’s fault is that?”

“Look look look, I didn’t make any money on this venture,” he said. “At least you got half. Why don’t we talk about this over a drink? I know some Andorians who need a couple tons of radion 12! I’ll go halvsies with you, we’re a team!”

“I don’t think so,” I shook my head. “And that half that I got?”

“Yeah?”

“Should just about cover fuel and a new escape pod,” I smirked. “Don’t forget to turn on your transponder, I’m sure someone’ll pick you up soon.”

“What? Aw noooooooooooo!” Bandit yelled as I punched the launch button and the pod blasted out into space.

I watched the pod tumble away until it was just a glinting dot in the backdrop of space, then I went back to the cockpit and after verifying that his transponder was on, I set course back to my home galaxy and Orion Station. Maybe business will pick up a bit by the time I get there.

Still working on that escape thing...

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

By assuring the Imperial troopers that we would actually get them back to the Empire, they made it easy for us to escape getting thrown out an airlock. Bandit and I aren’t out of the proverbial woods yet as we have to get back to my ship the Pegasus Elite and get off this Star Destroyer. Our luck is holding out though, despite the announcements of our escape over the loudspeakers, none of the ship’s crew or the armored troops were anywhere to be seen. Despite this, I doubt that our luck will hold. We still have Gordo the Hutt’s court, mercenaries, and other various sycophants to contend with.

“Pretty slick move, pretty lady,” Bandit panted as we ran across the steel deck of the corridor. “We’re lucky that the Hutt agreed to have you spaced.”

“I was lucky he took the bait,” I replied. “But he’d have to if he wanted to keep the troops onboard happy.”

“I didn’t even know you were in the Queen’s Royal Navy,” he chuckled.

“I guess there’s a lot that you don’t know about me,” I laughed back. “Like my ability to talk my way out of a situation.”

“So you weren’t—?” A big grinned cracked across Bandit’s face. “You mean you—Hoo wee, you sure pulled the wool over their eyes! Ha hah!”

“Gotta be fast on your feet sometimes, whoouhllff!” The wind was unexpectedly knocked out of me. My back smacked the wall as the rifle I was carrying clattered to the deck.

“I’ll kill you now!” B’Sogg growled angrily. A knife gleamed in his hand.

I looked over at Bandit, he too was engaged with one of the Hutt’s guards. I didn’t have any more time to think about it as the blade slashed towards my stomach.

“That’s no way to treat a lady,” I managed to quip as I dodged out of the way of B’Sogg’s strike. I chopped his hand with the edge of mine and the knife clanged to the ground.

“You stupid cow!” B’Sogg cursed as he shook the stinging sensation out of his hand. “You’ll pay for that!”

He lunged at me again but I side stepped the attack and drove the heal of my boot into the side of his knee. With a sickening crunch, his knee collapsed and he dropped to the ground howling in pain. I quickly picked up the rifle and shot him twice in the back.

“You finished with your dancing partner yet?” I called out to Bandit.

“Hang on a sec, sweetheart.” Bandit dug his heal into the guard’s toe and quickly followed up with an uppercut that sent his opponent sprawling backwards. I finished the guard off with a blast from my rifle as well.

“Wow that’s cold, shootin’ a man in the back like that and all,” Bandit whistled.

“It’s set to stun.” I held up the rifle for him to see the settings. “Let’s go, the landing bay’s that way.”

We quickly ran to the bay and I skidded to a halt in front of a computer station. I pulled my sonic screwdriver out of my cargo pocket and I started working the terminal.

“What are you doing?” Bandit asked. “Guards could be here any minute!”

“Just a second, I have to ensure that we’ll get out of here,” I answered.

“Hurry!” he urged.

“Got it!” I yelled as the terminal pinged and scrolled through a script on the monitor.

We quickly dashed into my ship and I revved the engines just as the Hutt’s mercenaries began firing from the hanger doors. Blaster fire ricocheted from the Pegasus Elite’s hull as I returned fire from my front cannon.

“Wait! The Bandit’s on the deck over there!” Bandit yelled. “That’s my ship, we gotta go get it!”

The Elite lifted up off the deck and dropped down through the open bay doors. Her main engines flared to life and we rocketed away from our pursuers.

“My ship!” Bandit wailed.

“You want to go back and get it?” I asked.

Bandit’s howl dropped down into an unrecognizable mumble. Then he looked at the readings from the copilot’s seat. “The Star Destroyer’s persuing us! Weapons are powering up!”

“Hang on!” I gritted my teeth.

I began evasive maneuvers as I hoped beyond hope that my hack job would take effect before we’re reduced to space dust.

Our Escape

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

My little trip with Bandit into this galaxy isn’t going so well. Bandit hired me to fly him and some power cores here and as it turns out, he was in turn hired by a Hutt crimelord who used the devices to create an experimental weapon that potentially could destroy its target from across the galaxy. Gordo the Hutt’s plan, it appears, was to kill us and take our ships instead of paying us for goods delivered.

His plan is going very, very well right now.

Bandit was beginning to panic as the Imperial troopers led us to the airlock. We were unarmed, outmanned, and would clearly not last a minute against these armored shock troops. I, however, have a plan of my own.

“Listen guys, I like you,” Bandit said. “You all look pretty smart and you’ve got good fashion sense. Why don’t you just let me go and I’ll just get out of your hair. Honest. You can trust me.”

“Quiet,” the lead trooper snapped.

“So you just want them to let you go?” I hissed at Bandit.

“Well I would come back for you,” he sputtered.

“I said quiet,” the trooper growled again.

“You selfish jerk! You were going to sell me out!” I yelled.

“No I wasn’t,” he insisted.

“I said quiet,” the trooper had enough and cracked the back of Bandit’s head with the butt of his rifle.

As Bandit stumbled forward, I quietly said “We’re under surveillance, aren’t we?”

“Quiet, or you’ll get the same,” the lead trooper threatened.

We resumed our walk towards the airlock when I again said quietly “Tired of taking orders from the Hutt?”

There was no response.

“Of course they’re watching us right now,” I added just as quietly.

I heard the comlink in his helmet click, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’ll get you back to the Empire,” I offered quietly.

The trooper harrumphed.

“Don’t fight back,” I whispered. “I’ll get you back.”

“I said be quiet!” the trooper took a wild swing at me with the butt of his rifle but I grabbed it and spun. Using his momentum against him, I spun the trooper right into his comrades and the whole group crashed to the ground in a pile of white armor. I still had my hands on the rifle and I quickly grabbed Bandit, who was staring at the mess with his jaw dropped open.

“Let’s go!” I pulled him down the corridor.

“You don’t have to tell me twice, sister!” Bandit cracked back as we ran to the lift.

Meanwhile, Gordo the Hutt, who watched the entire incident on the video screen surrounded by his entourage, let out an earsplitting howl.

“Get them! Kill them!” he yelled.

“I should have killed them right here!” B’Sogg growled at his employer. “But I will kill them. Do not worry about that.”

“Just go!” the crimelord howled back. B’Sogg ran from the party room followed by many of the hired guns.

Our Fate

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

Because of my outrage over the BERE Cores being utilized as a weapon, Gordo the Hutt’s guards hauled us back to our room and unceremoniously dumped us in there. They locked the door, but even if they didn’t, we were trapped inside an enemy ship and surrounded by thousands of troops, right?

At least that’s what the Hutt and B’Sogg wants us to think. From what I saw, however, there were far less crewman and troopers onboard than normal. Although they are maintaining their military discipline in this sick joke, I would imagine that if the opportunity to get out of this situation were to present itself, they would take it. The rest of the personnel on the ship are from the Hutt’s entourage and other assorted lowlifes and hangers-on. They’re busy partying and we just might get lucky if they’re too drunk to cause us trouble.

Hours ticked by and we heard nothing from our captors. I was getting antsy and Bandit was his usual obnoxious self.

“Well it was quite a party, wasn’t it, angel?” he chuckled.

“I told you, don’t call me tha—” I stopped in mid sentence and just began to laugh.

“What are you laughing at?”

“You. Me. This,” I swept my hand around. “This whole situation. This is stupid and funny and crazy and yet I have a hard time believing that we’ll ever get out of here alive.”

“I had everything under control, lady” Bandit bragged. “But then something came along and spoiled it all for us. What was that? Oh yeah, it was you.”

“That weapon was horrifying,” I replied. “Imagine striking anyone from out of nowhere and destroying them wholesale. Hitting your enemies and innocent bystanders when they can’t even fight back from half a galaxy away. How could you condone that?”

“Let me tell you something, sweetie,” he snapped back quickly. “I don’t. I think it’s horrible too, but you know what? This whole galaxy is a mess. Have you seen that prune faced guy in charge of it? How about the company he keeps? They want to destroy planets with a giant battlestation, there’s an open rebellion against them, and they have to watch out for these giant slugs creeping around, too. There’s a war going on here and it’s been going on for decades –centuries even– and I say the sooner we get our money, the sooner we get out of here.”

I looked at him. He looked at me. The silence hung in the air like the foul smell emanating from that Hutt.

“You are so mercenary,” I said coolly. I was hoping to make him feel bad, I don’t think it worked.

“I think I’m more of a realist,” he shrugged. “Everyone’s fighting in this galaxy and they’re still going to fight whether we provide them with embargoed power cores or not.”

“Hmph.”

“Hey, we’re on the same side here, lady,” he continued. “If you can think of a way to get us out of here, I’m all for it. If you can get us out of here with our money, even better.”

“I’ve been thinking,” I replied. “But I just don’t have a plan. Yet.”

The doors slid open and Gordo’s greasy stooges stood before us.

“Come,” said one. With that, Bandit and I quietly exited the quarters and let them lead us back to Gordo on his party deck. We stepped onto the forward observation area and walked towards the Hutt perched on his giant slab of a throne. The party was still going on and the party goers were still drinking, but it was much more subdued and quiet. All eyes were on Bandit and I as we stepped in front of the giant, slime covered worm.

“Thank you for your prompt delivery of the power cores,” the Hutt boomed in his own voice. “Too bad they do not work.”

“Hey, whadya mean they don’t work?” Bandit asked loudly. “They were all inspected and certified before we brought them to this galaxy.

“Unfortunately,” Captain B’Sogg added. “All of the BERE Cores burned out during our recent tests. We cannot, in good conscience, pay you for this faulty equipment.”

“We can’t be accountable for that,” Bandit insisted. “Those things were made for intergalactic communications antennas, not some sort of space gun.”

“Too bad for you,” B’Sogg countered. “You still will not be paid. And for insulting us with your attempts to sell us this inferior junk, we will be taking your ship as restitution.”

I knew exactly where this was going and I didn’t like it.

“Oh no you don’t,” I growled back at him. “You’re not touching the Pegasus Elite. Take his crappy ship instead.”

“Hey!”

I turned towards bandit. “Just give him that little ship of yours and let’s get out of here.”

“Stop calling it little,” Bandit snapped back as the Hutt laughed loudly at the exchange. “It fits two perfectly, what more could you want?”

“Do you want to get out of here?” I asked. “give ‘em your ship.”

“No way. And a Hutt can’t fit in it anyway, so just give ‘em yours.”

“I think that perhaps we should take both,” B’Sogg interrupted. “To recover our loses from this failed experiment with your defective merchandise.”

“What?” Bandit and I said to him in unison. B’Sogg laughed smugly right back at us.

“Oh no, that’s it!” I growled and I punched B’Sogg right in the face.

The crowd gasped as the fake captain fell back from the blow. Gordo laughed loudly and B’Sogg picked himself back up and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

“Oh I like her,” Gordo laughed. “Even at facing the end of her insignificant life, she still fights with spark that few others here have.”

Enraged and humiliated by my physical attack and by the Hutt’s laughter, B’Sogg pulled his sidearm and aimed it right at my face.

“I should kill you where you stand, bitch,” he growled.

“That was the plan, wasn’t it?” I asked calmly. “You were going to kill us all along. Life’s cheap around here and who’s going to miss us anyway?

“Maybe I’ll do it slowly and painfully.” B’Sogg eyes crinkled into dark, evil creases. “Your death would bring me much enjoyment.”

“Wait, wait,” Bandit waved his arms. “We don’t need to resort to this. I know you’re looking for a few good men. I’m your good man. I’m pretty handy in the Bandit, you know. No Smoky’s ever caught me. I can scout, run contraband, whatever you need.”

“I don’t need spineless scum like you.” Gordo boomed.

“OK, fair enough.”

“If you like your little ship so much,” B’Sogg growled while still keeping his eyes and gun aimed at me. “Perhaps we could tie you to the back of it and take you for a ride, no?”

“Ah, no,” Bandit declined.

“Yes,” I said. The crowd gasped slightly at the thought of me offering up my companion. “No, not him. Space me.”

The crowd gasped again.

“Why would we want to do that?” B’Sogg asked.

“As a former pilot in the Queen’s Royal Navy, Service Number Four Dash Three Niner Niner Alpha One Five Omega, it is my right to be buried in space.”

“Fine,” B’Sogg smiled. “I’ll even dump your body personally when I’m through with it.”

“It is my last request that if I am to be executed, that I am spaced,” I insisted.

“I don’t know,” the Hutt grumbled. “Spacing is so quick. There’s really no enjoyment in watching it.”

“I said that I would kill her,” B’Sogg growled angrily. “She’s mine.”

“But that would be so messy,” I smiled back. “You don’t want to mess up Gordo’s nice decor here do you?”

The ersatz captain howled in rage and pressed the barrel of his blaster into my temple. I winced and turned away, but he kept it pressed into the side of my head.

“Very well,” the Hutt rumbled. “Because I like you, I will grant your last request.”

B’Sogg cursed at the Hutt. “Just let me shoot her, she deserves to die by my hand.”

“B’Sogg, you’ve been such a pill lately,” the Hutt sighed deeply. “Just throw her out the airlock already.”

With a huff, B’Sogg holstered his weapon. He waved over the guards who grabbed me by my arms.

“One last request,” I said.

“Do not push it,” Gordo rumbled.

“I am former military; I request that my execution be carried out by the military.”

“Very well,” the Hutt laughed. “Stormtroopers, take them away!”

The door slid open and four men encased in white armor strode up to us.

“Them?” Bandit repeated desperately as we were hauled out. “What do you mean ‘them?’ I don’t wanna get spaced!”

Party

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

Continued from here.

It seemed like the party lasted for days, this Star Destroyer was obviously flying through warp to some destination but there was no way in this galaxy that I could determine where. Gordo the Hutt sat on a giant slab on the deck as dancing girls, jugglers, and about anything else you could imagine performed their entertaining routines.

Bandit was thoroughly enjoying his stay. He was essentially drinking anything he could get his hands on and hitting on anything that moved. And there was a lot of movement at the party, believe me.

I had a few drinks, but I was mostly just carrying one around to keep up appearances. I wanted everyone to think that I was enjoying myself, but I wanted to be in full control of my faculties if anything happened.

“Havin’ fun, angel?” Bandit slurred as he slid up next to me.

“Oh great fun,” I replied. “And don’t call me that.”

“Whatever you shay, kitten. This party is shwell.”

I felt the ship lurch out of warp speed suddenly. Many of the party goers, Bandit included, stumbled to keep their balance.

“The mighty Gordo the Hutt invites everyone to watch the viewscreen,” the protocol droid announced. “The great experiment will now commence.”

All eyes were on the viewscreen as the image of a freighter flicked onto it.

“This is the Rendall’s Ranger,” Captain B’Sogg announced. “Owned and operated by Kel Rendall and currently in the next sector from us.”

Stats on the ship and its location flashed up on side of the screen. The ship continued to hang in space near a small planet.

“Prepare to fire!” Gordo the Hutt announced in his own language. “Let’s see what your experiment with the power cores can do.”

“What?” I yelled as cheers swelled up from the party goers.

“Targeting,” B’Sogg announced as he hunched over a terminal. “Firing.”

The view on the screen showed a lance of energy striking the freighter. The rusty ship quickly erupted into a fireball. The crowd cheered even louder at the sight of the explosion.

“Looks like we have a successful demonstration,” B’Sogg announced glibly.

“How could you?” I growled as I rushed up next to him. “That’s inhuman!”

“Ha ha, do I look human to you?” he laughed back. “Do not worry, Rendall was working for a competitor of ours.”

“Unbelievable. You’re a monster!”

“Although I do appreciate your feistiness,” Gordo boomed. “You should still watch what you are saying.”

“I don’t care,” I yelled back at him as Bandit rushed up to try to quiet me. “You are a horrible, filthy, disgusting, evil bag of garbage and I don’t want to have anything else to do with you. We’re leaving.”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Bandit held up his hands. “What the pretty lady here is trying to say is that she hopes you’re satisfied with the BERE Cores and as soon as we receive our payment, we’d like to be on our way.”

“Shut up, jerk!” I pushed Bandit and he took a step back into the arms of a pair of guards. Two more guards swooped in and grabbed me.

“Heh heh, you are feisty.” The ersatz captain grabbed me by the cheek and leaned close. “I like your energy, but your attitude needs a bit of an adjustment.”

“Have your goons let go of me,” I spat back. “I’ll show you an adjustment.”

“I don’t think so.” His oily face was disgustingly close to mine. “Guards, lock them in their room. Hopefully she will come to appreciate her good fortune in a short while.”

“I don’t think so,” I struggled vainly as the two beefy sentries hauled me away. “You’re an ugly, evil bastard and you’re going to burn in Hell!”

“She doesn’t mean that,” Bandit called out while be hauled away himself. “Women you know, ha ha!”

Our Gracious Host

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

After our meeting with Gordo the Hutt, Bandit and I were herded to another deck and shown to the guest quarters, which appeared to be an unused officer’s room. It was surprisingly nicer than the rest of the steel and gray décor of the ship, but it still looked like an Imperial officer’s room to me.

Bandit, however, whistled at the grandeur of the room. “Sure does look pretty, don’t it?”

“The room?” I asked. “It just looks like a room to me.”

“We are onboard an Imperial Star Destroyer and they gave us this room,” he replied. “We could be in worse places, like the brig.”

“You do have a point there,” I said absently as I started to look around the room. “It doesn’t look like they’re interested in locking us away. Then again, there’s nowhere for us to run.”

“Well look at this,” Bandit whistled again as a panel slid away revealing several expensive-looking dresses. “Maybe you could try one of these on and we can paint the town red? Or at least we can paint the ship red, ha ha.”

“I think that I’ll be fine in what I have on right now.”

“You know, you could stand to loosen up just a little,” Bandit suggested. “Would it kill you to try on a nice dress?”

“I like what I have on,” I replied. “The flight suit is comfortable and functional. What else do I need?”

“What else do you need?” Bandit asked aghast. “What’s the point of living if you don’t look good doing it? What is it going to take for me to get you out of those clothes?”

“More than you’ve got,” I snapped back.

“I’m serious,” he insisted. “You have your pick of nice clothes right here. Would it kill you to try one on?”

I stepped over and looked the outfits up and down. “It might,” I replied with a smile.

Our conversation was interrupted by a pinging at the door. A moment later, it slid open and Captain B’sogg stepped in.
“I trust I am not interrupting,” he presumed.

“Not at all,” Bandit waved him off. “What can I do you for?”

“There will be a reception this evening in honor of the great Gordo,” B’Sogg stated. “You presence is requested.”

“Oh a party, eh?” Bandit grinned. “I’m liking this place more and more already.”

“You will find suitable clothes in your suite,” B’Sogg continued. “As I see you have already discovered. Please feel free to make yourselves more presentable. Food and entertainment is available at all hours at the forward observation level.”

“Food and entertainment? All hours?” Bandit exclaimed. “Now I’m really liking this place.”

“Of course,” B’Sogg grinned calculatingly. “You are our guests here. The BERE Cores have been unloaded and are now being installed onboard. Once they are tested to the great Gordo’s satisfaction, payment will be made and you will may fly off to your next delivery.”

“Sounds good to me,” Bandit beamed. “Like I said, I am always up for a party.”

“Very good,” B’Sogg nodded. “Please join us when you are ready.”

“I have a question,” I said before he could leave.

“And what is it, my lady?”

“When did the Hutts get so cozy with the Empire?”

B’Sogg paused, then a grin crossed his face.

“Ha ha, you are much more observant than one would expect,” he answered. “Observant and daring. Let’s just say that when an admiral has a few heavy gambling debts, handing off the operation of a Star Destroyer to his debtor is one way to pay off those debts.”

A short while later, Bandit and I were on our way to the party. We encountered few officers and troopers, but less than one would imagine on a vessel such as this.

“I am very surprised,” I commented.

“About what’s going on around here?” Bandit asked.

“No, that you actually look pretty good when you dress up a little,” I grinned.

“Hey, I clean up pretty well,” he laughed.

The door slid open to the observation level and the sight of the party was something to behold. A menagerie of strange aliens filled the area, each one stranger than the last. Slimy creatures, lithe dancing girls, snarling bounty hunters, and just about everything else you could imagine that would occupy a Hutt’s entourage was there and they were all drinking and laughing loudly.

“Yeah, I really like this place!” Bandit smiled as he grabbed a drink off the tray of a passing cocktail waitress.

On the Bridge of the Naal’taa

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

Bandit and I were in the turbolift making our way to the bridge. Despite the speed of the car we were in, it seemed liked it was taking forever to get to our destination. The white armored troopers stood quietly, watchful of any move that either he or I might make. We just stood there, though, as apprehension silently filled my heart.

Finally, Bandit couldn’t take it anymore. “What do you mean we’re in more trouble than I can imagine?” he asked in a hoarse whisper.

I gave him a “be quiet” look and then nodded towards our captors. Hopefully, he’ll get the message.

“How can we be in more trouble?” he pressed. “Maybe they’ll confiscate the cargo, but then they’ll just turn us loose, right? At least you got half your pay for the trouble.”

“Bandit, would you just keep it down?” I whispered back. The troopers haven’t reacted yet but I don’t want to get a rifle butt to the back of my head because of my tactless companion here.

“Why can’t we talk?” he continued. “Seriously. You guys wouldn’t shoot us for talking, would you?”

“Knock yourself out,” one of the troops answered noncommittally.

“OK, so we’re safe in here,” Bandit continued. “Why would we be in so much trouble now?”

“Because,” I leaned forward and growled very quietly and carefully in his ear. “The Empire is extremely prejudiced against non-human species. Whatever that Capatain is, human he isn’t. That’s why were in trouble.”

“I’m sure this can all be straightened out,” Bandit said confidently. “Maybe he’s from a rare alien species but such a master tactician that they just had to make him a captain.”

The lift came to a halt and the doors slid open. The troops prodded us out onto the deck.

“You two have got a lot to learn about how things operate around here,” the first said condescendingly.

“If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get out of here alive,” the other said ominously. The two troopers laughed at the last comment.

Great, I thought to myself and blew a strand of hair out of my eye.

Bandit and I stepped out onto the deck of the bridge and looked around. Everything was gray. The deck, the computer stations, and the uniforms of all the men were all a muted shade of gray. Technicians manned their stations as officers moved back and forth between their charges. The whole area hummed with the noise of activity. There was another noise as well. Something I couldn’t quite identify.

“What is that noise?” asked Bandit.

“I don’t know,” I answered. “It’s like some kind of deep rumbling. I can’t place it, though.”

As we stepped forward across the metal deck, the rumbling grew louder and individual beats formed in the noise.

“That almost sounds like—” Bandit began.

“Laughter,” I answered. “But what could--?”

My own question was answered before I finished the sentence as a dais spun around and we were able to see its occupant. His -or its- laughter rose into a crescendo; a deep, wet, rumbling, booming echo.

“Lady and gentleman,” a protocol droid standing next to the giant slug announced. “I present to you Gordo the Hutt.”


The Hutt continued to laugh as Bandit stuck out his hand towards him.

“Gordo the Hutt? I’m very pleased to meet you,” he said. “I’m Bo Bandit.”

“I know who you are,” the Hutt rumbled in his own language. “Thank you for the prompt delivery of the power cores.”

“Hey, no problem,” Bandit smiled. “Now if I just receive my payment, we’ll just take off and be out of your hair, er, you know.”

The Hutt replied again in his own language. What he said exactly I could not understand. Evidently, Bandit couldn’t understand it either as he looked at me and shrugged helplessly.

“The great Gordo the Hutt assures you that payment will be made in due time,” the droid announced. “But he would first like assurance the Broadcast Energy Radiation – Electronic Cores will work. In the meantime, the Great Gordo invites you as a guest on his ship, the glorious jewel of the crown of his empire that is the Naal’taa.”

“See? No problem pretty lady,” Bandit said to me. “We get in, we get out, it’ll be as easy as cake.”

“He’s not letting us go, though,” I replied. “If this were on the up and up, we’d get our money and be on our way. He’s up to something fishy, I know it.”

“He’s not letting us go but he made us his guest,” Bandit insisted. “Ever been to a party hosted by a Hutt? These things are a sweet hoedown, that’s for sure. And I’m not going to insult my customer by refusing, either.”

Bandit may have been lulled into a false sense of security, but I still don’t trust a thing that’s going on around here. I may have to figure out how to get out of here – with or without Bandit.