Friday, July 06, 2007

Our Fate

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

Because of my outrage over the BERE Cores being utilized as a weapon, Gordo the Hutt’s guards hauled us back to our room and unceremoniously dumped us in there. They locked the door, but even if they didn’t, we were trapped inside an enemy ship and surrounded by thousands of troops, right?

At least that’s what the Hutt and B’Sogg wants us to think. From what I saw, however, there were far less crewman and troopers onboard than normal. Although they are maintaining their military discipline in this sick joke, I would imagine that if the opportunity to get out of this situation were to present itself, they would take it. The rest of the personnel on the ship are from the Hutt’s entourage and other assorted lowlifes and hangers-on. They’re busy partying and we just might get lucky if they’re too drunk to cause us trouble.

Hours ticked by and we heard nothing from our captors. I was getting antsy and Bandit was his usual obnoxious self.

“Well it was quite a party, wasn’t it, angel?” he chuckled.

“I told you, don’t call me tha—” I stopped in mid sentence and just began to laugh.

“What are you laughing at?”

“You. Me. This,” I swept my hand around. “This whole situation. This is stupid and funny and crazy and yet I have a hard time believing that we’ll ever get out of here alive.”

“I had everything under control, lady” Bandit bragged. “But then something came along and spoiled it all for us. What was that? Oh yeah, it was you.”

“That weapon was horrifying,” I replied. “Imagine striking anyone from out of nowhere and destroying them wholesale. Hitting your enemies and innocent bystanders when they can’t even fight back from half a galaxy away. How could you condone that?”

“Let me tell you something, sweetie,” he snapped back quickly. “I don’t. I think it’s horrible too, but you know what? This whole galaxy is a mess. Have you seen that prune faced guy in charge of it? How about the company he keeps? They want to destroy planets with a giant battlestation, there’s an open rebellion against them, and they have to watch out for these giant slugs creeping around, too. There’s a war going on here and it’s been going on for decades –centuries even– and I say the sooner we get our money, the sooner we get out of here.”

I looked at him. He looked at me. The silence hung in the air like the foul smell emanating from that Hutt.

“You are so mercenary,” I said coolly. I was hoping to make him feel bad, I don’t think it worked.

“I think I’m more of a realist,” he shrugged. “Everyone’s fighting in this galaxy and they’re still going to fight whether we provide them with embargoed power cores or not.”


“Hey, we’re on the same side here, lady,” he continued. “If you can think of a way to get us out of here, I’m all for it. If you can get us out of here with our money, even better.”

“I’ve been thinking,” I replied. “But I just don’t have a plan. Yet.”

The doors slid open and Gordo’s greasy stooges stood before us.

“Come,” said one. With that, Bandit and I quietly exited the quarters and let them lead us back to Gordo on his party deck. We stepped onto the forward observation area and walked towards the Hutt perched on his giant slab of a throne. The party was still going on and the party goers were still drinking, but it was much more subdued and quiet. All eyes were on Bandit and I as we stepped in front of the giant, slime covered worm.

“Thank you for your prompt delivery of the power cores,” the Hutt boomed in his own voice. “Too bad they do not work.”

“Hey, whadya mean they don’t work?” Bandit asked loudly. “They were all inspected and certified before we brought them to this galaxy.

“Unfortunately,” Captain B’Sogg added. “All of the BERE Cores burned out during our recent tests. We cannot, in good conscience, pay you for this faulty equipment.”

“We can’t be accountable for that,” Bandit insisted. “Those things were made for intergalactic communications antennas, not some sort of space gun.”

“Too bad for you,” B’Sogg countered. “You still will not be paid. And for insulting us with your attempts to sell us this inferior junk, we will be taking your ship as restitution.”

I knew exactly where this was going and I didn’t like it.

“Oh no you don’t,” I growled back at him. “You’re not touching the Pegasus Elite. Take his crappy ship instead.”


I turned towards bandit. “Just give him that little ship of yours and let’s get out of here.”

“Stop calling it little,” Bandit snapped back as the Hutt laughed loudly at the exchange. “It fits two perfectly, what more could you want?”

“Do you want to get out of here?” I asked. “give ‘em your ship.”

“No way. And a Hutt can’t fit in it anyway, so just give ‘em yours.”

“I think that perhaps we should take both,” B’Sogg interrupted. “To recover our loses from this failed experiment with your defective merchandise.”

“What?” Bandit and I said to him in unison. B’Sogg laughed smugly right back at us.

“Oh no, that’s it!” I growled and I punched B’Sogg right in the face.

The crowd gasped as the fake captain fell back from the blow. Gordo laughed loudly and B’Sogg picked himself back up and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

“Oh I like her,” Gordo laughed. “Even at facing the end of her insignificant life, she still fights with spark that few others here have.”

Enraged and humiliated by my physical attack and by the Hutt’s laughter, B’Sogg pulled his sidearm and aimed it right at my face.

“I should kill you where you stand, bitch,” he growled.

“That was the plan, wasn’t it?” I asked calmly. “You were going to kill us all along. Life’s cheap around here and who’s going to miss us anyway?

“Maybe I’ll do it slowly and painfully.” B’Sogg eyes crinkled into dark, evil creases. “Your death would bring me much enjoyment.”

“Wait, wait,” Bandit waved his arms. “We don’t need to resort to this. I know you’re looking for a few good men. I’m your good man. I’m pretty handy in the Bandit, you know. No Smoky’s ever caught me. I can scout, run contraband, whatever you need.”

“I don’t need spineless scum like you.” Gordo boomed.

“OK, fair enough.”

“If you like your little ship so much,” B’Sogg growled while still keeping his eyes and gun aimed at me. “Perhaps we could tie you to the back of it and take you for a ride, no?”

“Ah, no,” Bandit declined.

“Yes,” I said. The crowd gasped slightly at the thought of me offering up my companion. “No, not him. Space me.”

The crowd gasped again.

“Why would we want to do that?” B’Sogg asked.

“As a former pilot in the Queen’s Royal Navy, Service Number Four Dash Three Niner Niner Alpha One Five Omega, it is my right to be buried in space.”

“Fine,” B’Sogg smiled. “I’ll even dump your body personally when I’m through with it.”

“It is my last request that if I am to be executed, that I am spaced,” I insisted.

“I don’t know,” the Hutt grumbled. “Spacing is so quick. There’s really no enjoyment in watching it.”

“I said that I would kill her,” B’Sogg growled angrily. “She’s mine.”

“But that would be so messy,” I smiled back. “You don’t want to mess up Gordo’s nice decor here do you?”

The ersatz captain howled in rage and pressed the barrel of his blaster into my temple. I winced and turned away, but he kept it pressed into the side of my head.

“Very well,” the Hutt rumbled. “Because I like you, I will grant your last request.”

B’Sogg cursed at the Hutt. “Just let me shoot her, she deserves to die by my hand.”

“B’Sogg, you’ve been such a pill lately,” the Hutt sighed deeply. “Just throw her out the airlock already.”

With a huff, B’Sogg holstered his weapon. He waved over the guards who grabbed me by my arms.

“One last request,” I said.

“Do not push it,” Gordo rumbled.

“I am former military; I request that my execution be carried out by the military.”

“Very well,” the Hutt laughed. “Stormtroopers, take them away!”

The door slid open and four men encased in white armor strode up to us.

“Them?” Bandit repeated desperately as we were hauled out. “What do you mean ‘them?’ I don’t wanna get spaced!”


? said...

The rebels have some skeletons in their closets as well.

SQT said...

Is it wrong that I still love The Bandit?

Private Hudson said...

You love the Bandit? Pfft, he's got a dumb hat, a lame outfit, and he gets all whiny and unreliable when the chips are down. Game over for that loooo-hooo-ewwwww-zeee-er, ha ha.

Professor Xavier said...

My only problem with the Bandit is that he doesn't say "Yeeee-hawww!!" enough.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A lot seems to have happened in two weeks.

Back from vacation.

Orange Palps said...

That Hutt is a Man after my own heart... Too bad its only marble sized and black.