Friday, July 20, 2007

Citizen Jon

My fellow Americans, dearest family, close associates, interdimensional vagabonds, members of the press, innocent bystanders, I am very pleased and proud to be standing before all of you today. Thank you all who have traveled far and wide to be here today. [Hold for applause]

We all made this journey for a reason. It's humbling, but in my heart I know you didn't come here just for me, you came here because you believe in what this country can be. In the face of war, you believe there can be peace. In the face of despair, you believe there can be hope. In the face of a politics that's shut you out, that's told you to settle, that's divided us for too long, you believe we can be one people, reaching for what's possible, building that more perfect union. [Hold for applause]

When I take a look at some of the things that are happening in this great country, I am greatly saddened. For the past many years, we have had Presidents who are more interested in lining their friend’s pockets with money, trampling on our great Constitution, or engaging in personal activities wholly unbecoming of the highest office of this great land. This is no longer the same presidency that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or William Howard Taft proudly held.

The legacy left behind saddens me but what concerns me more is that this country needs a leader, someone of wholesome character and upstanding values who can bring this country back to the promised land. [Hold for applause] I look at the group of candidates today and I see men who could not possibly be up to this great challenge. I see Sleestak, a being who’s entire campaign is clearly a ruse to gain the graces of Halley Mills. I see Dr. Smith, a man who is solely responsible for the loss of the Jupiter 1 spacecraft. I see Dr. Zaius, someone who will is looking out for the people – his people, not the common person who built the great nation with hard work and sweat, but his race of super intelligent future apes. And Dr. Monkey Von Monkeystein – well let’s just say that if the only requirement for the presidency was the ability to hurl one’s own feces, he would certainly have had the race wrapped up at the starting gate.

Competent candidates? Yes. Extraordinary candidates? No. That is why, at this time, I would like to make my formal announcement for candidacy of the President of these United States. Thank you. [Hold for applause]

In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shank from this responsibility - I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavour will light our country and all who serve it -- and the glow from that fire can truly light the world.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. [Hold for applause]

Thank you. Thank you. [Hold for applause]

At this time, I would also like to announce that I will hold a town hall meeting next week. Everyone is invited to attend and everyone is certainly invited to send your questions in to me at I give you my word as an Intergalactic Gladiator and a gentleman that I will not shy away from the truth, I will not shy away from the issues, and I will not shy away from bringing this country the great leader it so richly deserves. [Hold for applause]

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.


Jean-Luc Picard said...

Who is the Campaign Manager?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Your campaign is nothing more than a ruse to divide the people even further. You are nothing more than Dr. Zaius's stooge and I shall unmaak your perfidy!

Darth Nepharia said...

What is your stance on shameless blog-plugs in our blog comments area?



Darth Nepharia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bathroom Hippo said...

I dunno man....

Monkerstein has millions in the bank and will probably launch a counter-campaign. Plus he's pitching universal blogcare. I don't know what it is...but it sounds good.

Professor Xavier said...

Well it's about time. I've always wanted to vote for freedom.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Captain Picard: My campaign manager will be revealed shortly.

Dr. Monkey: You stay away from my perfidy.

Darth Nepharia: Whereas I undersand that perhaps my estemed opponents are against shameless blog-pluggery, I feel that it's every American's right to do so if he or she so choses.

Bathroom Hippo: Universal Blogcare is a wonderful idea in theory. I too would love to support it, but it just would not logistically work.

Professor Xavier: Thank you. Don't forget to also vote for progress.

Wolverine said...

I wonder if I can even vote bein' Canadaian and all.

Dr. Smith said...

"I see Dr. Smith, a man who is solely responsible for the loss of the Jupiter 1 spacecraft."

Bah, your ignorance of the facts betrays your lack of qualifications.

It was the Jupiter 2, not the Jupiter 1.

Any candidate who can not pass a test of basic TV Show Trivia should not be allowed to win!

Besides it was Major West's fault.

old hack said...

Do you have any oil? and/or pain medicine.

Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

Ahhh...I see you are running for President on Earth, and in the USA. I admit, at first, that stung a little, but then I remembered... I'm dead, and NY would have to explode for me to get the gig...So no harsh feelings.

Flik Sivrak said...

Politics is over-rated. Go Feral! Live in the wilds and turn your back on civilisation...Politics does nothing but destory the universe and we don't need it!