Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Super Powers

When I was a kid, I always wanted to fly. Flight was always the greatest superpower in my mind and that ability far exceeded any other ability like strength, shooting ice out of your hands or running fast.

Actually, I wanted to run fast when I was a kid. In 2nd grade, I was so enamored with cheetahs that I created a superhero with that name. His origin bounced around from being from a doomed planet to extracting a serum from his pet cheetah that granted him super speed. Hey I was in 2nd grade, I didn't even care that Cheetah infringed on a villain on the Super Friends. Cheetah teamed up with my friend's creation Rocketman, who could fly and shoot rockets out of his fingertips. Ouch.

The Adventures of Rocketman and Cheetah!

Sometime later, I figured out that flying was way cooler than running fast. One of my college roommates insisted that invisibility was the best super power because of it's sly uses. That's not a bad idea, but he would have to put down the bowl and get out of his bed to actually use the power in this sneaky fashion.

So as I developed into an Intergalactic Gladiator, I realized that I had super powers. Nothing as fascinating as flying or turning invisible, but interesting powers nonetheless.

  • I am the dog whisperer. My father actually had a similar ability to get close to robins and deer. I am really good with dogs and they listen to me, unless I ask Scotchie not to pee on my wife's nice rug.
  • I can also very convincingly bark like a dog.
  • I have the mutant ability, which manifested itself during my teens just like all mutants, to not be detected as a mutant by magical, scientific or psionic means.
  • I can jog several city blocks without getting winded.
  • I don't smell bad. Even after vigorous exercise, I get kind of funky but it it's not a stink.
  • I used to have a hollow leg, I could pack in endless amounts of food. I have since lost that ability.
  • I am often charismatic and funny in public situations. This ability is sometimes increased by a secret elixir called "Beer."

I might even have a few more super powers that I haven't discovered yet. Don't worry, true believers, as an older, wiser man once told his young charge "With great power comes great responsibility." I will always use my abilities for good.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Blues Clues

This is very exciting news. Things aren't 100% yet, but the creators of Blues Clues contacted me to be a guest on one of their episodes. My daughter is a huge fan of the show and I've always appreciated the show's combination of clever learning for kids and a joke or two thrown in that the parents will appreciate.

This is good for me also, I don't want to be anything but an Intergalactic Gladiator, but spinning that career off into other areas has always held my interest. It's just like when The Ramones were in Rock And Roll High School or Hulk Hogan was in Bad Hulk Hogan Movie #1, Bad Hulk Hogan Movie #2 and Bad Hulk Hogan Movie #4.

So like I said, this isn't for certain yet, but I do have the part of the script that features me. I reprinted it below for you to see:

[Door bell rings]
Joe: I wonder who that could be. [Joe walks to door] Look, It's Jon, The Intergalactic Gladiator.
Jon: Hi Joe, I was just in the neigboorhood and I wanted to stop by to say hello.
Joe: Say, what's that?
Jon: [Hefting ax] Oh, this is my Vibro-Ax. I use it dispatch my opponents.
Joe: What's that on it?
Jon: Hey, that looks like a pawprint. A blue pawprint!
Joe: That's our third clue! [Shuts door and sits down in thinking chair] What could Blue want with a picture of my face, a ripe melon split in two, and an ax?

As you can see from the rough draft, it's a small part, but looks like it will be a lot of fun -- I've never been in a cartoon before. It will also be interesting to see what the three clues turn out to be.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Curse you J'onn M'adden 2005

I am J'onn M'adden and I control the spice!

Because she loves me or perhaps because she doesn't want to see me for several hours a day or perhaps because the price went down a bit, my wife bought me J'onn M'adden 2005 for father's day. I would hate to be a M'adden mark, but this thing is pretty fun.

I just started out playing a franchise with the beloved Chicago's Bears and it has a lot more involvement than just playing an Earth American football game. You have to keep the players happy, run training camps, read the papers and listen to some dingbat's radio show. I am getting used to the controls, but it is similar to 2003, my previous version, so the learning curve isn't too bad. I am using a Sidewinder from a few years ago and so I don't have the "hitstick" to lay the proverbial smackdown on my opponent, maybe I'll get a new controller some day.

I think all of the M'addenisms are there, so fans of hearing him say "Boom!" "Wow!" and "Otomotopia!" will not be disappointed.

I did have to buy a new video card to play it, though. When my wife heard the price of the card, she was angrier than a three-legged gundark at a spelling bee! Sometimes you just can't explain to some people the price of keeping a computer in top condition...

So I'm really busy mastering my new game. If you don't hear from me, don't assume that I have met an unglorious defeat by the likes of M'abau the Mauler or Abbi the Butcher, I'm just playing M'adden.

Oh my God, it's a chestburster!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Movies that rock in a certain way

Spaced Invaders

Spaced Invaders, for some reason, has been one of my favorites for a long time. It's one of those guilty pleasure movies that always brings a smile to my face whenever I see it.

The story begins with the Martians invading Acrturus, and in order to maintain military discipline, the leader introduces the Enforcement Drone -- whose job is to disintegrate any Martian who displays a lick of common sense.

Cut to a lone scout ship looking to hook up with the fleet, they hear Orson Wells' radio broadcast of War of the Worlds and think that the fleet is invading Earth. They fly to Big Bean, Illinois and hijinkery ensues.

The townspeople at first don't realize that the Martians are invading because it's Halloween and because basically both the townspeople and the invaders are kind of stupid. Along the way, the Sheriff's daughter, a boy dressed like a duck, along with a crotchety old farmer, the sheriff and his deputy eventually blow up the Enforcement Drone, get the Martians off Earth, and save the farmer's land. Yeah, that's a quick synopsis, I hope I didn't spoil the ending for you.

Like I said, this movie is very chuckle-inducing, nothing here is treated very seriously and everyone gets a good line in at some point. Fer instance:

Martian Soldier: Sir, the Arcturans have destroyed the remainder of the fleet. I sent a distress signal to all ships across the galaxy, BUT we're headed straight into their sun, and our engines are about to explode.
Enforcer Drone: I have not yet begun to fight.
Martian Soldier: Now would be a great time to start.

Blaznee (The Martian pilot explaining what's wrong with the ship): Well, let's see. We got a torqued-out digi-framus, our mega-spaz redundancy pile is on the blink, and it looks like we bruised our boo-boo.

Kathy: But, Dad, they're not really bad, they're just... stupid.

Corporal Pez: I knew it, I'm going home in a bag. It's always the corporal that gets blown up first (Anyone who's been a lower enlisted in a room full of officers can appreciate that).

Deputy Russell [pulls gun]: Hold it right there! Are you a Martian?
Brian: I'm a duck!

One of the greatest movies of all time it isn't, but if you have 100 minutes to kill and you want to have a few larfs, rent and/or buy this movie RIGHT NOW!

I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I give it a thumbs up.

(Thumbs up copyrighted by Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper)

Sunday, June 19, 2005


Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Thank you, you're a great crowd.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Become an official Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator!

Hey kids, now you too can be an official Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator, just follow these simple steps!

1. Take your monitor to a copier (preferably a nice color one like a Xerox WorkCentre Pro 40 or a Canon ImageRunner C3200) and scan this page, make sure that your monitor is still plugged in so it doesn't lose the image. Print the above picture on some really nice paper.

2. Cut out the image in a circle.

3. Place the image in a button and stamp it together. Get help from mom or dad when operating the button stamping machine.

4. If you don't have a button stamping machine, go to a business that makes buttons and ask them to do it, or ask your parents to buy you a button stamping machine.

5. Wear it proudly to school. All the kids and even your teachers will be very impressed.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Fightin' tips from Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator

A lot of people ask me for fighting tips. Everyone is coming up to me and saying "Say, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, you are pretty successful at your craft. How do you keep winning all the time against such powerful adversaries?"

Yeah, I know, I don't always win, but it's nice that the fans are really behind me. So for you, my fans, I would like reveal some of my trade secrets. In general, you have to be able to switch styles -- if something doesn't work, try something else. You have to be smart, too, figure out your opponent's weakness and take advantage of it! Here are some of the things that you can do if you're facing specific types of combatants.

Psychlos -- Psychlos are jerks and bullies. What do you expect of a race that named themselves "Psychlos?" I suggest kicking them low, they'll collapse like your proverbial house of cards, then keep kicking them when they're down. Nuke their planet if you have the chance, the nuclear explosion will ignite their atmosphere.

Daleks -- Their weapons are pretty tough, when they fire them it looks like Uncle Ralph hit the "negative" button on his camcorder and everyone falls down. You have to get behind them and knock them over. Disable the gun stalk and the Dalek won't stand a chance.

Predator -- These guys are fairly tough, but without their shoulder lasers, invisible suits, and booby-trapped gauntlets, you could probably take one. Remember, they see in infrared, so hide in a giant wall of mud if you can.

Storm Troopers -- It's a scientifically proven fact that Storm Troopers can't hit the side of a barn with a mop. As long as he's got a rifle, you're golden.

Pigs In Space -- Pigs In Space are a tough, tenacious, and brutal breed of combatants. Fortunately, they cannot resist a bad pun or a terrible joke. Just wait for them to start yucking it up and WHAMMO!

??? -- I have no idea what this thing is, you're on your own, dude.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Sites that I likes

I've been traveling around this International Network of Engineered Transmissions (what you might call the "InterN.E.T") for a while now. I think that most of you agree with me when I say that the super fun websites are what keep me coming back! -- They've got a lot of reviewers reviewing a lot of movies here, one of whom, I might add, is a friend of mine from way back. Peter Sobczynski reviews for a real live newspaper somewhere and he's a great reviewer when he's not too busy declaring his lust for Audrey Tautou or Angelina Jolie.

Movie Poop Shoot -- They have a little bit of everything here and I just discovered (or rediscovered) it recently. They seem to have some sort of blood tie with Kevin Smith, which I suppose ain't that bad.

Something Awful -- Go here to read columns making fun of furries, Star Wars, Everquest, Nazi Superweapons, dumb websites, neckbeards and whatever else they want to poke at. I became addicted when I saw a photoshopped picture of Snake Eyes and Cobra Commander on the capital steps shaking hands.

Savage Love -- I thought that he had a website, I am not sure if it is still out there though. Generally I read it on The Onion's site. Dan is an openly gay advice columnist who is often very funny. He had one column several years ago where every piece of advice he gave was somehow related to Starship Troopers. It is still one of the funniest articles that I have ever read. A word of warning to you Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, this is a sex advice column and his answers are frank and do contain adult language.

The Internet Movie Database -- The answers to every friendly bar debate are located here.

Virtual Bartender -- I haven't been here in a while, but I returned recently and now they have a new one with two virtual bartenders! Type commands to see what they will do! Once again, I cannot recommend this to the Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there.

Telescope Game -- This is an interesting puzzle where you use telescopes to put a ball into the hole.

The Zoom Quilt -- This zooms through a continuous loop of an alien landscape (well, alien to some of you, I guess). This is an incredible art project and it needs to be seen to be appreciated.

Finally The Ether Killer -- Kids do not try this at home.

There are others, of course. There are lots of other interesting sites out there. Your assignment today, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, is to tell me what website you like visiting. Let's keep it reasonably clean, folks.

Monday, June 13, 2005

I've been hacked!

This is not good. Who is this Teh Lord Dred HaXXor? How did he figure out that my secret password was the name of my dog Scotchie? This is not good at all. On top of that I have no idea what he wrote in the entry, I've been to hundreds of planets and seen countless different languages in use and yet I do not know what "ur pwned" means. It almost looks like English, but it's missing vowels or something.

Scotchie is a big fan of Uncle Eddie.

Oh no, I just realized, Teh Lord Dred HaXXor has my password! He could have hacked his way into my Swiss bank account and stolen the $238 that's in there! He may have accessed my photos, too. All of those pictures of me clubbing with Mary Kate and Ashley and those topless photos of me in the Spice Baron's summer condo! Oh this man is evil indeed, he must be the vicious despot of some burned out planet or the maniacal magistrate of some rusty, gear and steam infested space station.

This is not good at all. Teh Lord Dred HaXXor, mark my words. Whoever you are, wherever you may be, I will hunt you down and end your reign of terror.

Friday, June 10, 2005

lol n00b

Ha ha

i m teh Lord Dred HaXXor

and ur pwned!!!!!!!!


Thursday, June 09, 2005

A Chilling Vision of the Future

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Emergency Landing on the Swamp Planet

Coming home from work one evening, one of the FTS drives on my ship Danger Sled disengaged and I was forced to land on a strange swamp planet for repairs. To be honest I don't make the repairs, I barely fly the thing (I am only human, and faster-than-light travel is well beyond my expertise), that is what the ERU-21 is for. While the Emergency Repair Unit was working on the craft, I felt a strange presence. I whirled around and drew my +2 XP laser gun just in time to see a small green creature staring at me.

"Away with your weapon! I mean you no harm," said the creature.

I know sometimes looks can be deceiving, but I truly felt at that moment that what he said was true, so I put the pistol away.

"I am wondering," continued the imp. "Why are you here?"

"Ah, just fixing my ship, it looks like the IP Configurator burned out."

"Looking?" he replied. "Found someone, you have, I would say, hmmm?"

"What? No, my repairbot here will just remap the circuits and I will soon be out of your way."

"Ahhh! A great warrior," he laughed and shook his head. "Wars not make one great."

I thought that maybe he recognized me from the Intergalactic Gladitorial Entertainment (formerly Intergalactic Gladitorial Federation until they lost the lawsuit), so I tried to play off my profession a bit. "We're not really warriors," I answered. "In fact, many interplanetary conflicts are resolved in the Arena, many wars were avoided."

That seemed to confound the green fellow a little more. "Yoda," he asserted. "You seek Yoda!"

Yoda? I am sure that I have seen his blog, but I wasn't actually looking for him. "No, I just want to get this thing fixed and head home for dinner."

"Mmm. Take you to him, I will," my diminutive companion sounded like he was getting a little upset. "Yes, yes. But now, we must eat. Come. Good food. Come."

I looked at the readout from the ERU, there was one particular weld that was very difficult and would take some time. I wanted to be near in case anything happened, so I politely declined his offer, telling him, once again, that I wanted to supervise the repairs on my ship.

The creature scrunched up his little face, clearly he was getting more frustrated. "Not far. Yoda not far. Patience. Soon you will be with him," he added through his teeth.

Maybe senility is setting in, I thought, the little dude looks like he has to be 800 years old. "I don't want to see Yoda," I replied. "I just want to fix this thing and go."

"Wait a minute, him you are not...?" he trailed off. "Training you are not here for?"

"I don't think so."

With that he turned and looked off into the swamp. "Him this is not!" he said to no one that I could see. "On the other side of swamp he is?" he asked. "Then this is...?" he trailed off again. "Oh."

He turned to me, "Embarrassed I am," he said. "Expecting someone else, I was," he added.

"No problem," I assured him. "I'll just wait here until my ship is fixed."

"Fixed it is," he said with a wave of his hand. The indicators all pinged green and the repairbot signaled an affirmative. "Leave you may. Please."

I wrangled the ERU into the craft and climbed aboard. I waved goodbye and launched for home. I don't quite understand how the engine was repaired so quickly though.

"Magic, I guess," I harrumphed. I was still chuckling as the FTS drives engaged.

Monday, June 06, 2005


I neglected to mention this when I noticed it last week.

My blog is now the first hit when you Google Intergalactic Gladiator. I beat out some shlub named Draaga, some other nimrod named "Gladiator" and the fighting robots from Walmart. I can proudly say, without an once of hyperbole, that this is the greatest thing to happen in this universe since the Laser Bread Slicer 5000.



Nancy Boy

Thanks to everyone who made me the most powerful Intergalactic Gladiator on the Internet.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

You're a wonder, Wonder Woman!

Who's ready for Wonder Woman?

According to the Internet Movie Database, Joss Whedon is writing the script for Wonder Woman the Movie. I loved the show as a kid and I think that Joss has the chops to write about a strong female character -- and Wonder Woman is a strong female character.

Of course, they still have to cast the lead and speculation for that role ranges from Sarah Michelle Gellar to Lucy Lawless and everywhere in between. While I don't necessarily think that those two would be the best choice, I still think that you can put almost any woman in that outfit and she will look good.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Don't eat dinner with a Valdorian

Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm is one of my best friends in the Intergalactic Gladitorial ranks. He's a strong competitor, a powerful ally, and an incredible being to meet. He has a cortex full of stories about his travels and he knows his way around the galaxy like few others.

Yet, I wouldn't wish his cooking on my worst enemy.

"Come for dinner, Jon, yes?" he says. "I will make you good Earth food dinner! You will love it."

"I don't know, Starkey," I reply, worried about what I could be getting myself into. "I should really be getting home, my wife will be expecting me..."

"Nonsense, you can come to my place for dinner and still make the 10:38 FTS Transit back home. I insist."

And with that I felt that I could hardly say no. It's hard making true friends in a galaxy of strangers. On top of that, I am the only human that I know outside of the Sol system. You can't just go up to someone and say "Hey, nice pseudopods."

"I use your Interneted transmission sites to find good recipes," Starkey adds. "I know what you will like and love."

His place is but a quick Turbo Tube ride away, which gives me a little time to contemplate my fate. We get into his quarters and he goes to the Food Storage Unit (Cold) and pulls out a beer. I am more than a little shocked, it's actual Earth beer! "Now according to their high frequency transmissions, drinking this beer makes a good big party, please don't conga into my pool."

I have to figure out if he is kidding or serious and I manage a weak chuckle.

"Ha ha ha! I kid you good, yes?" His booming laughter resonates throughout his quarters. I laugh along with him as he ushers me to his dining area and runs back into his kitchen. He quickly returns with something that I cannot recognize and I take a huge gulp of my Earth beer.

"Cod and banana casserole!" he roars proudly. "Fish is good for Earthman brain and banana has more potassium than Manganese Pickrat." I'll have to take his word on the latter and I choke down several bites while going through several beers.

"Finished, yes?" He says. "Dessert, yes?" he adds, and disappears back into his kitchen again, reappearing with a huge, dark mound on a plate. "You will like calimari bundt cake, it has chocolate and according to their website, 'Everything is better with chocolate!'" He cuts me a slice and plops a dollop of sour cream on it. "good, yes?"

"Mmmph," I reply. I get the bite down. "Could I have another beer, please?"

A couple hours later I am on the FTS heading home, queasy from my ordeal.

I make it home OK and crash into bed, barely able to kiss my wife hello.

Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm is one of my best friends in the Intergalactic Gladitorial ranks, but his species has an odd idea of what is and is not good to eat. I've said it before and I'll say it again, don't eat dinner with a Valdorian.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Buck Rogers Seduces Evil Space Vixen During Roller Disco

Space Station Orion, 25th Century – Captain William “Buck” Rogers, former NASA Astronaut and current operative for the Earth Defense Force, Seduced the evil space vixen Princess Ardala during his investigation of the increasing attacks from Space Pirates.

While on board Space Station Orion, a pleasure resort in orbit around Mars, the roguish pilot was invited to dine with Princess Ardala at her private table. Rogers joined her at a delicious banquet of space food while watching Orion’s visitors dance to futuristic synthesizer music while holding lighted tubes and wearing roller skates. Ardala, enchanted by the always-charming Rogers asked him to accompany her to her private suite, much to Killer Kane’s chagrin.

Rogers and Ardala shared a glass of space wine while making small talk, then after the space queen ordered Kane and her bodyguard Tigerman out of the room, the couple talked a bit more intimately as Ardala allegedly attempted to drug Rogers by dropping a knockout pill into his drink. The daring captain was able to switch glasses, knocking the vixen out, and allowing him to sneak around the satellite.

Though moving through the space station as stealthily as possible, pressing his body against walls and ducking around corners to avoid the guards, Rogers eventually came face to face with a sentry his approximate height and build. With his mission in danger of being compromised, Buck, quickly dispatched the guard with a double ax handle smash to his stomach and a judo chop to the side of the neck.

Donning the soldier’s uniform, Buck was able to collect evidence that the Space Pirates are actually led by Queen Ardala and are planning a daring assault on Earth. With this newfound knowledge, Buck attempted to get back to his Starfighter before being discovered. Unfortunately, Kane and Tigerman found him and attacked.

Buck, unable to overpower the large brute, was captured and brought before the princess. Princess Ardala, dismayed that her new friend tried to betray her, ordered him bound and brought to the control room where he could watch the attack on Earth before Tigerman finishes him off.

Will Buck Rogers be able to escape and stop the attack? Tune in next week to find out.