Friday, December 30, 2005

The Great Mutant Race

I am not sure exactly how this happened, but somehow I am now participating in the Amazing Mutant Race. I will be competing against beings with mutant powers, a Jedi, and an android.

Hudson is my partner.

Did I mention that we will be competing against super powered beings? I am just a mere mortal with the strength level of an average human who engages in moderate regular exercises. In order to compete against these people, I am going to have to use all the skill and cunning that I can muster.

Did I mention that Hudson is my partner?

We're going to lose pretty quickly.

The race is hosted by Professor Xavier from his mansion in New York. Hudson and I were flying there in the Danger Sled when he stepped into the cockpit ready to go.

"Hudson," I said. "You can't wear that."

"Why not?" Hudson held up his arms and looked over his outfit. "It's a race, isn't it?"

"Well, yeah," I replied. "But it's not just a running event. We're going to be going all over the world following clues and accomplishing tasks. I think that you can wear something more... appropriate for the competition."

"No way, man," Hudson remained steadfast. "This is my PT gear, and I'm wearing it on this Great Amazing Mutant Race. I'm not changing."

"OK," I said. "I just hope our first stop isn't the Antarctic."

Thursday, December 29, 2005

At the Bloggies

Ebert: Hello, welcome back to At The Bloggies, I'm Roger Ebert and with me as always is Richard Roeper.

Roeper: We just saw the end of Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's Count Vampire saga, and I have to say I was very unimpressed by this outing.

Ebert: You got that right, Richard. If he's an Intergalactic Gladiator, what's he doing on Earth fighting vampires? It doesn't make sense. Shouldn't he be fighting space monsters or something?

Roeper: Exactly, I thought exactly the same thing, and the only time he fights a space monster is when he's fighting a space vampire. How does a vampire survive in space?

Ebert: Space vampires, art school kids getting beat up, hiring vampires on the Internet? This plotline was incoherent at best.

Roeper: Those poor kids. Some people have real issues and it looked to me that when they were all reaching out for help, Jon just kicks them around and threatens them.

Ebert: And the dialog! When he's ripping off lines from the Batman movie, it just seems like a desperate grab.

Roeper: You're right. Jon's supposed to be a much more colorful and out-there character than some brooding Batman type. He really missed on that one. There was one line that I liked, though.

Ebert: Which was?

Roeper: Jon meets this Renée Zellweger-esque vampire and he says hello then stabs her in the heart. They tussle some, then she says "You had me at hello" and crumbles away. I wish more of it had that pop culture cleverness and comedic timing.

Ebert: I think you ruined it by over-explaining it.

Roeper: Too bad. I had problems with Hudson's character as well. He was very inconsistent, first he was a tough, Gung Ho stand-up Marine guy, then he's cowering from Dracula all afraid and everything.

Ebert: I thought that worked for him. It created a depth to the character that we hadn't seen before. Originally, I thought he was just a gun-crazed nutbag, but now I see there's more to him than that.

Roeper: Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one.

Ebert: I don't agree to that.

Roeper: OK, it missed something else as well.

Ebert: Yeah, it would have been nice to see Vampirella or something. Maybe Angelina Jolie could have played the part.

Roeper: Oh yeah, I'd pay to see that. But you're right, though, the story really was missing a love interest or some kind of a strong female lead. Where was Jon's wife? Where was Hudson's girlfriend or something?

Ebert: As I understand it, Jon's wife refuses to participate in his blog.

Roeper: Good for her. I would too, if I were her.

Ebert: If I were to give Jon credit for one thing, I guess it would be that the showdown at Dracula's castle was pretty good. The action was decent and it was a nice suprise that Dracula wasn't really the one who sent the letter.

Roeper: Eh. I did like the action at the castle, but I just couldn't buy the plot twist though. Oh, you shot up my castle, but I didn't send the letter, OK goodbye.

Ebert: OK, to wrap it up, Jon tries to deliver a nice story but it just doesn't quite hit the high watermark that he's established in earlier efforts. Some of the locations, like Transylvania, are nice, but the action sequences are pedestrian and the plot just doesn't quite deliver. Jon is Jon though, and you can see that there's almost something there. I give it a very mild thumbs up.

Roeper: A mild thumbs down for me. Hopefully, his next effort is better.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Showdown with Count Damen.

Armed with the knowledge of where my enemy is located and who he is, I made my way to 140 Shady Glenn Drive in the nice quiet suburb where the self-named Count Damen von Darkchilde lives.

It was dark out and I spent an hour scouting the area and quietly watching the house. The neighborhood was tranquil, "Darkchilde" was there in his bedroom on the second floor. It appeared that his parents were in their living room watching TV.

I fired the grappling hook from my Wristcomm and hoisted myself up to the roof, from there, I quietly and slowly crept towards the dormer window of his bedroom. Very easily, I peeked in. My quarry was sitting at a messy desk, tapping away on his computer keyboard.

After about twenty minutes, he got up and left the room. Very carefully, I tried the window and found it locked. I aimed my Sonic Stunner at the latch and fired. The ultrafrequency rumbling loosened then shook the hook open. Swiftly, I opened the window, deftly hopped in and agilely closed the window behind me. I then quickly moved behind the bedroom door so when Damon entered, he wouldn't see me.

I heard a toilet flush, then running water, shortly after that, "Damon" walked back into the room. He stopped and looked around, as if something wasn't quite right but he couldn't figure out what it was.

He stepped into the room and I closed the door behind him. With a start, he turned around to see what happened. When he saw me, all the blood drained from his face and he gulped.

"Damon von Darkchilde, I presume?" I stated.

He gulped again. If it were possible, it appeared that more blood drained from his face.

"Weren't you expecting me?" I held up his letter. "You did send me this, didn't you?"

"I-I-I, oh God," he rubbed his hand down his face and sat down on the bed. "You gotta believe me, I never meant to--"

"You posed as some kind vampire master and sent vampires to kill me, don't tell me that you 'never meant to' anything."

"Yeah, but I-I-I--"

"You're going to have to do better than that. If you think that this was some kind of game then you're wrong," I said angrily. "Vampires are evil demons and are usually very dangerous. Fortunately, the ones you hired really weren't."

"Oh God, look, I'm so sorry," the ersatz vampire lord pleaded. "I just found out about you on the Internet and I wanted to, you know, see you in action. I thought it would be cool, you know. Being an Intergalactic Gladiator must be awesome."

I looked at him. "How could I be mad at a fan? Oh yeah, you tried to kill me!" With a shove, he tumbled over his bed, onto the floor and crashed into the wall.

"Ralphie!" came a voice from downstairs. "Is everything OK?"

"Oh man, uh, yeah mom, everything's fine! I was just playing a computer game and I got a little excited! That's all!" he shouted back.

"Why don't you come downstairs for some ice cream, Ralphie Poo?"

"Aw mom, don't call me that! I don't want ice cream!"

"OK, but we're all having some down here, if you don't come get some now, I'm putting it away!"

"I said no thanks, mom! I'm busy!"

I heaved Ralph up and pressed him against the wall. "You don't talk to your mother like that!" I admonished. "Respect your elders."

"Don't kill me! Don't kill me!" he cringed.

"You still need to finish answering my questions. So you wrote to me and said that you were going to kill me, how'd you send vampires after me?"

He nodded towards his computer. "I found them online. You can get anything through the Internet, you know. I told them that you were my foe and that the one who destroys you can feast on your blood. I thought that it would be cool to see. I had one of my friends, Darkhammer Nightclone video the fights, you were awesome!"

"And where's he?"

"I don't know," sweat was beading on his brow. "I haven't seen him in two days."

"Speaking of your friends, did you know that some of them tried to attack me last night?"

"Really? My friends?

"Yeah, uh, it was Nightsomething, Blackwing Winterreaver, Lilith Somebody, uh, and someone else. I don't know. They were pathetic."

"Oh man, I hired them? They're not even vampires! I can't believe they did this to me. Gosh, I'm gonna kick them!"

"Hmmpf, what a shame," I replied. "OK, what about the lilac-scented letter, then? What was with that?"

"Oh well," he looked around sheepishly. "I didn't have any paper, so I borrowed some of my sisters."

"And sending me after Count Dracula was just a ruse?"

"You went after Dracula?" he asked. "Oh man, I thought he was just a book. That must've been awesome."

"Not really," I changed the subject. "You said you videoed me, where's the video?"

"Uh, it's all on my harddrive."

"And you said you hired the vampires on the Internet?"

"Yeah, I, wait don't--!"

I fired the grappling hook at the computer, sparks cascaded briefly from the box as a burnt smell filled the air."

"Aw God no!" he sobbed.

I pointed my finger at him. "If I find that those videos anywhere, I'm coming back to get you. If I so much as see another vampire, I'm coming back to get you. If I so much as think that you're up to anything, I'm going to make your life very miserable."

"You-you're not going to kill me?"


"So, you're going to let me go?" he asked with hope in his eyes.

"Not yet."


Ralphie's parent were sitting on a couch in the living room watching TV when they heard a shout from the backyard.

"Mom! Dad! Help!"

They rushed outside to see Count Damon von Darkchilde hanging by his underpants from a tree. He was severely wedgied and in obvious pain.

"What happened to you, Ralphie?" his mom looked horrified.

"I, uh, fell out of my window."

EDIT: Private Hudson has thrown down the proverbial gauntlet. Read about it here.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Finally, my enemy is within reach

I was full of holiday spirit, nothing could get me down, not even some subpar vampires. Yet, they tried again. This time, a group appeared in front of me in the darkness for a showdown.

"Intergalactic Gladiator, your destiny of darkness is upon you," said one.

"Oooooh, we're going to bite your neck!" said another.

"We will destroy you," said a third. "Your dark destiny is of darkness and unholy terror."

They pretty much stood there as I leapt into action. Quickly, I kicked one in the stomach, he doubled over, crumpled to the ground and started sobbing.

I twisted the arm of another, then flipped her over my shoulder. "Oh that hurts!" she complained. She sat on the ground, wallowing in her misery. "Oh the pain! The darkness! Hark, I shall never rise again."

I shoved the third aside and walked right up to the fourth, lifted him by his lapels and pushed him against a tree. I looked him over. "Hey! You're not even vampires."

"N--no, don't kill me!" he said frightened.

"Tell your friends," I growled. "Tell all your friends that I own the night."

"Whu-what are you?"

"I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, man."

His friend, who I had just pushed aside charged at me. I lifted my knee and he ran right into it. With an "Oooooof" he collapsed to the ground as well.

I shoved the fourth into the tree again.

"Now, who are you?" I asked, not so politely.

"I-I-I'm Blackwing Coldblade," he stammered.

"Blackwing what?"

"Blackwing Coldblade," he whimpered. Then he gathered enough contempt to add "It's a pseudonym."

"Really? And who are your friends?"

"Uh, Darkedove Hemlock, Bloodreaver Wintermoon, and Lillith Night," the others meekly waved and said hi. "OK, OK, we're not really vampires, but we really wanted to be."

"And when we saw how Ralph, I mean the Count, was hiring vampires, we thought that's our chance to be just like them," said Lilith. "Oh darkness, glorious darkness! It harkens to us all."

"You're not going to hurt us are you?" Darkedove asked .

I shook Blackwing a little. "Who's the Count?" I demanded.

"We can't tell you!" he whined.

I held him really close. "Tell me or you won't get out of this alive," I gritted my teeth at him. "And you won't be vampires, either."

"OK OK, his name is Count Damon von Darkchilde. We go to art school with him."

"Where is he?" I charged up my Sonic Stunner, with a whir it came to life.

"I'll, I'll show you," Blackwing sobbed. "Please don't kill me."

"Oh the darkness of death, I welcome thee," announced Lilith.

I sighed heavily and turned off my non-lethal weapon. "Alright, I'm not going to kill you."

"Oh unwelcome life, you taunt me so," said Lilith.

"Are you really an Intergalactic Gladiator?" asked Bloodreaver.


"So you travel around the galaxy and stuff?"


"Are there people out there like me?" Bloodrever asked.

"I suppose," I replied. "The galaxy is a big place."

"So I am not alone?" he brightened up.

"No, I guess not," I replied.

"Can I go into space with you?"


Friday, December 23, 2005


Mutant: an individual, organism, or new genetic character arising or resulting from an instance of mutation, which is a sudden structural change within the DNA of a gene or chromosome of an organism resulting in the creation of a new character or trait not found in the parental type. In an organism or individual, the new character or trait may or may not be trivial, but it is rarely beneficial and will usually result in either a genetic disorder or have no observable effect whatsoever.

Mutations, in theory, could be beneficial. A mutation in an animal could provide a competitive edge over others in it's species, allowing that animal a better chance to survive where others of the same species might not. For example, one could speculate that the white fur of a snowshoe rabbit has its origins in a mutation. The same could be said for any animal that has developed unique characteristics for survival.

Mutants, or Children of the Atom, are super-powered beings whose abilities derive from genetic mutation. This mutation, dubbed "X-Factor" by Professor Charles Xavier (who seems to have some odd compulsion to precede everything he can with an X), is what gives Homo Sapien Superiors their special abilities.

These abilities are varied and too numerous to mention in their entirety. These powers include telepathic abilities, like the aforementioned Professor X, Jean Grey, and Emma Frost; animal-like senses and strength like Beast and Wolverine, the power to bend reality like Gaia, or the power to command magnetism, like Magneto.

The powers of mutants are as unique and varied as the individuals who possess them.

Being a mutant, however, is not easy. They have many opponents, including human, superhuman and machine. A mutant experiences hatred and racism simply for being who they are.

Despite the many Mutants who are heroes, who save the Earth time and again, few are lauded for their accomplishments. There are exceptions, however.

I am not speaking of any of the Mutants mentioned above, I speak of another. Do you recall the most famous mutant of all?

Merry Christmas from Intergalactic Gladiator.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Decorating for Christmas

I've been really busy fighting vampires and I kind of feel bad leaving my wife at home to do almost all of the decorating herself.

Fortunately, I left her some detailed instructions on how to decorate for Christmas. I am sure she appreciated my effort to be a part of the holiday spirit.

Free Image Hosting at

To all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I have a PDF version of this. If you want a copy, let me know.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


"Who dares disturb the sleep of Count Dracula," the vampire demanded.

Hudson stepped forward and leveled his weapon at the evil bloodsucker. "I've come here to kick butt and chew bubblegum," he said. "And I'm all out of gum."

Dracula stared deep into Hudson's eyes. "Silence!" he commanded.

Hudson lowered his rifle and clasped his hand against his mouth. He stumbled back against the doorframe.

Dracula looked at me. "You vill lower your weapon also," his voice was smooth, a warmness, flowing over me. I felt compelled to drop the rifle, but I shook my head clear and kept the muzzle aimed straight at my adversary.

"Ah, so you are not so easily swayed, human," Dracula grinned. "You are strong. Vhat brings you here to my castle? Is it the glory of hunting the King of all Vampires?"

"Oh no, it was you who were hunting me," I said. "But the tables are turned, aren't they? Now I am the hunter and you who hunted me is now the huntee!"

"Vhat?" Dracula's brow furled. "You just lost me there."

"I said you hunted me, now I'm hunting you. The tables have turned, you undead bloodsucker."

"Vhy, I've done no such thing," the vampire sounded almost innocent. "I've not hunted you. I do not even know who you are."

"I'm Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator, buddy," I rumbled. "Ring any bells?"

"Intergalactic Whatinator?" Dracula's brow furled again.

I sighed, pulled the Count's letter out of my pocket and held it up so he could see it. "You sent me this!"

"I've sent you no such letter," Dracula answered. "I've been asleep for centuries."

"Then what of the vampire's ball downstairs?" I demanded. "You were planning something big, I know it."

"The vhat? Oh that. Well, I vas very tired so I told everyone to leave me alone until the next millennia," Dracula conceded. "Vhen that came, everyone just started showing up, hoping something would happen."


"I really just wanted to rest, and the turn of the century came more quickly than I anticipated," the unholiest of the unholy undead shrugged. "All these vampires just came. I really vanted them to leave, but they vouldn't."

"So you're telling me--"

"Vait!" Dracula interrupted. "There is no noise from downstairs! None of that Satanawful music or loud voices or cackling laughter. Did you destroy all of the vampires below?"

"Well just a little," Hudson trembled. "I think there are still some left in the basement."

"You mean, I can finally rest without them disturbing me?"

I was a bit confused. "What?"

"No more 'Master, vhen vill you rise?' or 'Master, ve are your humble servants, do with us as you vill?'"

"They're all gone," I answered. My hand holding the letter dropped to my side, but the rifle was still on my hip and aimed at him.

"Oh my Satan, I am finally free of all these losers!" Dracula let out a big sigh. "I tell you, vhen there are too many vampires, they start feeding on rats and really lame humans. Those guys never increase their strength. They lack focus, they lack drive. They never amount to anything. It is so disheartening to see that happen."

"Well now they're amounting to piles of dust!" Hudson stepped forward and asserted.


"Yes, Master," Hudson stepped back again.

"If you are responsible for ridding me of these... pests," Dracula stated. "then you have earned my undead gratitude. "You may leave my castle vith your life. But do not return, or that life which you hold dear is forfeit."

"But what of this Count?" I held up the paper.

"Let me see that," with a gesture, the paper fluttered to his hand. "Hmmm, I do not recognize zis handwriting at all. This is not Alucard, Blacula, or the Queen of the Damned."

"So you can't tell me who sent this?"

"I can tell you this, no vampire sent this. At least no self-respecting vampire would send this," he sniffed the paper. "it smells like... liliac."

"So it's back to square one with this mysterious Count," I frowned.

Dracula clapped his hands "Igor!" Instantly, the vampire's servant was at his side.

"Yes, Master?"

"Please show these two the door."

"Yes Master."

"Is downstairs destroyed from the battle?"

"It's pretty shot up," I said.

"It is very shot up, Master," Igor said.

"Just a little," Hudson scrunched his thumb and forefinger together.

"Very well," Dracula said. "Igor, show these people the door. Tomorrow, call the contractor and have everything repaired. And get the good contractor, too. That one we got last time really tried to screw me over. Some contractors are so evil."

"Yes, Master," Igor bowed. "This way, gentlemen."

Dracula's bride appeared by his side. "I bid you farewell," he said to us as we walked out the door. "Pay heed to what I have said. Do not return lest you dare to lose everything you that hold dear."

Igor gestured us to the staircase; when we reached it Dracula halted us a final time.

"And gentlemen, if you should see Vampirella," he said. "Tell her that I am old and tired and I do not have time for her treachery or Machiavellian conspiracy theories."

"OK," I said.

Hudson pointed to Dracula. "You got it, Chuck."


"Eeep!" Hudson flew down the stairs and out the door.

Igor showed me the door, or what was left of it. I walked out, down the path and onto the road where I met Hudson.

"What now?" he asked.

I don't know.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Castle Dracula!

The main doors to Castle Dracula opened up into an enormous foyer, filled wall to wall with vampires. The thirsty bloodsuckers were noisily talking amongst themselves, describing their conquests and drinking goblets full of blood mixed with red wine.

Suddenly, the front doors exploded! Through the shattered ruins of what once was the grand entrance, stood Private Hudson. Smoke was wafting from the grenade launcher slung under his M41A Pulse Rifle.

"knock knock, bloodsuckers," he said with an air of bravado.

Some vampires howled, others bared their fangs and launched themselves at the Colonial Marine.

I came in through the door behind him, firing my own M41A to the left, while Hudson fired to the right.

"pretty sweet, huh?" Hudson yelled above the chatter. "You can go through 95 rounds with these babies like nothin'!"

"Yeah!" I said, cutting down the vampires trying to launch themselves at me. "Pretty noisy, though huh?"

"What?" asked Hudson, still firing.

I said 'they're pretty noisy, huh?'" I yelled.

"I can't hear you!" Hudson shouted back, firing away at everything moving. "It's noisy!"

Hudson continued to fire, smirking at his own cleverness.

Something big was definitely going on here. It seemed like some endless swarm of vampires rushed us. Like a hydra, if we cut down one, two would take it's place.

After an uncountable number of rounds were fired from our weapons, it seemed like we exhausted their ability or desire to come after us. Some vampires, sat huddled on the ground. Evidently the silver nitrate filled into the hollow points of the ammunition didn't outright kill them and was slowly doing the job instead.

I looked around at the carnage everywhere. I took no joy in the destruction of life, yet these creatures were dead. Why did my grim mission leave me feeling so hollow?

Hudson looked at me. "Which way to the main vamp?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said. I kicked a vampire where he lay groaning. "Where's Dracula?" I asked.

"Unggh," the vampire groaned in reply.

"I need a better answer," I kicked him again.

"Ungh, up the stairs. The count sleeps in his coffin in his main chamber," the vampire clutched his side.

"Sleeps?" I kicked him again.

"Nnngh," he groaned. "It has been told for centuries that Dracula will rest until the New millennia. At that time, he will rise again to conquer the land of the living."

I looked at Hudson. Hudson shrugged and looked at the vampire "you realize that was almost 6 years ago, Nimrod?" Hudson kicked him for emphasis.

"A lot of us showed up then, but he didn't rise from his sleep," the vampire tried to explain. "More and more vampires showed up, but still, Dracula did not awaken."

"So you just had a party?" I asked.

"we were waiting for our master to rise and lead us!" he mewed. "Blood and glory was to be ours! We waited and waited, but still he sleeps."

I had enough exposition, I stabbed him with a wooden stake and he crumbled away. With our weapons ready, we went up the staircase and into the King of Vampires' chamber.

The door slowly creaked open. Hudson and I peeked in. The room was a silent shrine to Dracula, his coffin was in the middle with candles around it.

"Game over for Dracula!" Hudson screamed and aimed his weapon at the coffin.

"Who dares disturb the sleep of Count Dracula?" boomed a voice from the shadows.

"D-D-Dracula?" cringed Hudson.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Transylvania 6-5 Oh Oh Oh!

Private Hudson and I did several flyovers of Castle Dracula in the Danger Sled. Flying at the upper reaches of the atmosphere with all the sensors sweeping the area provided decent readout of the surrounding area. All I could tell of the castle though, was that it was a dark castle with a lot of activity going on around it.

We gathered as much intelligence that we could from the sky, but nothing beats good HUMINT -- human intelligence. This takes me back to my Army days when I worked with Special Forces (I wasn't a Green Beret, but I worked for them). Hudson was hopping and ready to go and we landed in an area several miles form the castle to avoid detection.

Between us and the castle stood an encampment. As we drew nearer, we discovered that it was a coven of vampires. As quietly as we could, we snuck up on the bloodsuckers, very carefully staying downwind and out of sight.

"A lot going on at the castle, huh?" said one.

"Always," replied another. "There's always something going on at Castle Dracula."

Hudson clapped his hand over his mouth to keep quiet.

"Heh," chuckled still another. "There's more happening than usual. Something big's coming up. Something real big."

The vampires laughed at the notion. One bit into a big rat that he was holding.

"If it's big, I want in," said the Second vampire. "I'm sick of sitting around the countryside doin' nothing."

"Yeah, we're vampires," a Fourth joined in. "We own the night. Damned humans are our prey. We should destroy them all!"

A Fifth vampire, a female, stepped from the darkness and laughed with the Fourth. "Yeah!"

"No, we can't destroy them all," the Second corrected. "They are our food. What else would we eat?"

The one holding a rat held it up. "Rats?" he asked.

"Disgusting," sneered One. "We are vampires, the ultimate predators! And there you sit, chewing on filthy vermin! That is why you have no power."

"But I'm hungry," answered the rat-eating vampire.

"You need blood of the strong-willed to--" the vampire stopped and sniffed the air. "What's that smell?"

Another sniffed the air. "It's disgusting!"

Still another sniffed. "It's revolting."

"Garlic!" shouted the Second. "Who dares?"

From our hiding spot, I could see Hudson shift uncomfortably. "Oh man, I shouldn't've had all that garlic on my pizza for lunch!" he whispered.

"It's OK," I assured him. "They won't be able to pinpoint us here. Just keep low and keep quiet."

"Over there!" shouted the First.

"Humans!" shouted the Third.

"Food!" shouted the Fourth.

"Get them!" commanded the Second.

Suddenly, Hudson jumped from behind his hiding spot and started firing at them with his pulse rifle. More vampires swarmed on us, but Hudson's automatic fire was taking them all down.

"Come on!" screamed Hudson. "Come on you bastards! Come on you too! Oh, you want some of this? Game over, you blood sucking bastards!"

I was not unarmed, I fired wooden crossbow bolts through as many vampires as I could, but the carnage caused by Hudson was something you'd have to see to believe. As vampires left and right were getting hit by rounds from his weapon, their veins would then swell and burst and the monsters would crumble away.

"Come on!" Hudson continued to scream. "Come on you bastards! Come on you too! Oh, you want some of this? Take that! Take that! Take that!"

Finally, there was one left. He was pinned to a tree with one of my bolts just above the heart. I don't know if Hudson ran out of ammo or not, but he stopped firing.

"What were you shooting them with?" I asked.

"Silver nitrate," Hudson smirked.

"Messy," I said looking around at the smoking piles of dust. "I need to get me some of that."

"Well, well," Hudson was getting tough. "Looks like we have ourselves a rat eater. Hey Rat Eater, what's going on up the road at Dracula's house, huh?"

"I don't know," the vampire snarled. "Ugggh, your breath is disgusting!"

Hudson looked at me "I say we grease this rat..."

The vampire's eyes popped wide. "Let's not get hasty, here," he tried to coax.

"You're going down, vamp," I said. I don't like to get all tough guy on a wounded opponent, but come on, he's a vampire.

"Look look look," Rat Eater pleaded. "I know there's something big, but I just don't know what. It's spook central there, man. It's a regular vampire's ball, and everyone's invited. You step in there, you're not going to step out alive."

"I'll take my chances," I gritted my teeth. "Dracula wants to hunt me? I'm taking it to his house."

We turned and walked away from the vampire, Hudson held out his hand and I slapped him five.

"You stupid humans!" the vampire snarled. "You sun worshipers are nothing but food! Dracula will string you up and drain your blood slowly! You'll beg for your life, and he'll hurt you more! You beg for your death and he'll hurt you more still! You're nothing to him! You're food! A speck of dust!"

I stopped and turned to him.

"Did you say dust?" I asked.

A wooden bolt flew from my crossbow and struck him in the heart. With a howl, Rat Eater crumbled to dust.

(Also, please look below to see my responses to Friday)

I will respond to you thusly.

Thanks to all who participated. Should you also do this, it will be reciprocated.
Now my responses, which is what you all anticipated.
I hope no one is alienated, because I'd hate to be disintegrated.

Fluke -- I never called you a proverbial Sherlock Holmes, I called you an ersatz Sherlock Holmes. And I do have leopard print lederhosen, I look fabulous in it.

Vampirella -- I know it's easy to memorize me. Start with my name "Jon," then add my professional title "Intergalactic Gladiator." If you don't forget it, then it's memorized. Also, when I pose for Intergalactic Playgirl, I'll send you a signed copy. Unfortunately, they've yet to return my many calls. There must be an issue with their voicemail system or something.

Professor X -- There's not a chance in this universe that I'd kiss the Queen of the Galaxy. My wife's kind of like Big Barda, but angrier, and there's no way that she wouldn't find out.

Lt. Cmd Oneida -- What do you mean I'm obese? I'm the average weight of a man my size and strength level who engages in moderate regular exercises. Oh wait, you said obtuse.

Lt. Cmd Oneida -- Planet Stetson. After stopping the Jango James Gang, Marshall Mallow gave it to me.

Pvt. Hudson -- No way am I going to let you drive the Danger Sled and scuff up the fenders. And yes, hopefully, we'll get to shoot a bug someday.

Captain Picard -- You cannot invoke the Prime Directive to avoid this. I'll get to work on that meme as soon as you finish your comment to this.

Master Yoda -- I am not addicted to My Little Pony. I buy them for my daughter, only I can't let them out of the packages to let her play with them because then they won't be in mint condition anymore.

Vegeta -- The stun blaster is a non-lethal weapon. I just can't go around killing everyone who looks at me cross-eyed can I? Well OK, I guess some places I can.

Jabafatboy -- If you mean Zero G Twister, then yes we did play it. And no, I didn't win.

Beanhead -- Thanks for stopping by. If you come again, please feel free to use one of my convenient pre-made comments, located on the link on the right column.

Sandy -- Sorry that you didn't want to play, maybe next time. You can also use a pre-made comment should you visit again.

Tara -- Steal away, I liberated it from Fluke Starbucker.

Professor X -- Don't worry, I've still got the hat.

Obi-Wan -- I thought that was you who leaves toenail clippings everywhere. Nonetheless, that was a great trip to the zoo, sorry about the balloon, though.

Lori -- Why do you keep mentioning my love of beer? You don't know me! You don't know me! (That was supposed to sound like a drunk) OK, anyway, I'm not sure what my favorite song is, but it certainly is not Banana Phone.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Copying and Pasting is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

I can't take credit for this post. My good friend Fluke Starbucker did this on his blog first, though he did invite anyone else to also do it if they wanted.

Therefore, wherefore, and because the title of my post says it all, I would love to invite you all to play along too. Just copy and paste the below sentences into the comments and add your thought or half-formed thought into the blanks as appropriate.





I can't believe everyone fell for it again.

01] I _____ Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.
02] Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is _____.
03] If I were in a room with Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, I would _____.
04] I think Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator should _____.
05] Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator needs _____.
06] I want to _____ Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.
07] Someday Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator will ___.
08] Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator reminds me of _____.
09] Without Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator _____.
10] My memories of Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator are _____.
11] Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator can be _____.
12] The worst thing about Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is _____.
13] The best thing about Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is _____.
14] I am _____ with Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.
15] One thing I would like to know about Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is _____.
16] Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator should go and _____.
17] Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator _____ me.

Have fun!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Whilst visiting Sunnydale...

I browsed through the racks of "I Survived Sunnydale" T-shirts and bobblehead vampires in the convenience store, the clerk watched me but didn't say anything. I guess the people in this area have gotten used to demons crashing through their storefront windows.

Hudson looked up from the Girls With Guns magazine that he was leafing through when Buffy walked through the door followed by a nicely dressed gentleman wearing glasses.

"I'm Rupert Giles," the man stuck out his hand to shake mine. "I was Buffy's Watcher, and am basically what's left of them."

"Watcher as in Highlander Watchers, Vampire Slayer Watchers, or the Watchers that hang with the Fantastic Four Watchers?" Hudson asked.

"And you must be Private Hudson. I've heard much about you."

With the introductions out of the way, I explained my situation to Giles.

"Very interesting," he said while absently chewing on the earpiece of his glasses. "I have to assume that this Count that you are referring to is none other than Dracula."

"Isn't he just a legend?" I asked.

"Oh no," Giles replied. "In fact, we've tussled with him here in Sunnydale, or er, what once was Sunnydale. He is a powerful vampire, but he is not impossible to destroy."

"Well, then let's do it!" Hudson cocked his M41A Pulse Rifle. "Rock and Roll! Game over for Dracula, man!"

"Your weapons won't harm him," interjected Buffy. "He's fast and powerful, and as formless as smoke."

"Yeah, well, let's see how formless he is after I cut him to pieces with a little 10x24-mm explosive-tipped," was Hudson's reply. Then he thought about what he said. "Wait, I mean--"

"I'm not going to fight him unprepared," I interrupted. "And I definitely could use the company."

"I am afraid we cannot go," Giles answered. "We still have a job to do here. Though Hellmouth is closed, vampires and demons still roam the night. It is our job to finish them off here."

"Besides, if he's going," Buffy wrinkled up her nose in disgust at Hudson. "I'm not."

"Very well." I thought for a moment. "Is there anyone else who you would recommend?"

"There is Blade," answered Giles. "But he is such a pill, you definitely would not want him for company."

"Oh yeah, Grumpy McGroucho," added Buffy.

I looked at Hudson. "I guess it's just you and me then, Marine."

Hudson cocked his weapon again. "You got it."

"Where are we heading?" I asked Giles.

"Where else? Transylvania."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

My trip to Sunnydale

The Danger Sled roared over the sky. It's contents: Private Hudson and I. The mission: To talk to the famed Chosen One, the Vampire Slayer.

"Yeah, she and I used to date," Hudson said. "We should go talk to her about the vampires. She'll know what to do."

The ship approached Sunnydale, or at least what once was Sunnydale. There was nothing but a huge hole in the ground where the California city once stood. Funny, I don't recall hearing anything about this on the news.

I circled the site and landed the craft behind a convenience store at the lip of the depression. We exited the ship and I peered over the edge.

"And this Vampire Slayer will be here?" I asked.

"She should be," answered Hudson. "This is where she lived."

"Did you tell her we were coming?"

"Well...., not exactly," Hudson said. "We didn't exactly end the relationship on a good note."

I looked at him. "What do you mean you didn't end the relationship on a good note?"

"He means he puked under my bed and then took off," came a voice.

I looked at the owner of the voice. She was in her early twenties and didn't physically appear that imposing. The way she carried herself, however, was a different story. She had a demeanor that said that she's seen and fought it all -- vampires, werewolves, demons, cyborgs. You name it and she's seen it, fought it, and beaten it.

"Well, we were sparring," Hudson tried to explain.

"In her bedroom?" I asked.

"One little punch in the stomach and you fold like a house of cards!" Buffy's eyes pierced Hudson's chest. "One punch! Then he got up and ran out the door!"

"Look," he tried to explain. "I got paged. I had to go, there were Xenomorphs to fight on Asteroid X."

"You ran off and you never called," huffed Buffy. "I should stab you right now."

"Oh man."

"Wait wait wait" I came between the two. "Before you kill him or this degenerates into a bad episode of Degrassi Junior High, could I tell you what's going on? I was hoping that you could help me out."

She looked at me. "What is it?"

"A short while ago," I began. "I received a letter from a Count. This Count declared that he would hunt me and destroy me. Lower level vampires have been attacking me since."

Buffy's eyebrows furled. "Hmmmm. Well, it would seem that this Count is a vampire and he's sending his minions to wear you down before he strikes."

"That's what I've gathered," I answered. "What I'm trying to find is--"

"What you will find is your death!" came another voice from the shadows.

A vampire quickly flew at us and shoved Buffy into Hudson. As they tumbled to the ground, the creature tore after me.

The glass of store window shattered with the impact and we flew through it and crashed to the linoleum-lined concrete of the store floor. The store clerk yelped and dove behind the counter as the vampire's teeth glistened as he prepared to plunge them deep into my neck.

Quickly, I flipped him over me (most improved wrestler my senior year in high school) and sent him flying into a display of snacks. I quickly snapped to my feet and desperately looked for anything as a weapon. There was no wood in sight, only the veneer of the countertops.

The vampire dove at me and slammed into the milk case as I dove further down the aisle. I reached into the case next to me and pulled out a can of beer. As the vampire rose to his full height to grab at me, I heaved the can of beer straight through his chest and out his back. He howled and crumbled to dust.

Buffy and Hudson came running through the door in time to see the vampire's death.

"How did you do that?" Buffy asked.

I held up the can so they could see it.

"Coors Light," I said. "The Silver Bullet."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Where was I?

Oh yes, the lame vampires. Sorry that I haven't posted about them for a couple days. Everyone must be jonesing for the next installment. I know I am.

So look at this one. I don't even know what this thing is. He looks like some kind of goofy Scandinavian Jim Carrey or something. I quickly dispatch him and move onto the next vampire.

Now this guy to my left is more like it. He has this menacing countenance; he really looks like he could bite my neck and drink my blood. This guy just reeks of being a vampire. I'm sure he's got the whole vampire thing down, the big fangs, the "I vant to suck your blood" bit, the coffin. Everything.

Quickly I spring into action. Armed with a cross and wooden stakes, I subdue my enemy.

"Tell me about the Count!" I demand.

"Never!" he hisses.

I push the cross into his skin. With a sizzle, the unholy undead dermis begins to burn.

"Aaaaaaaah!" the vampire wails.

"Tell me about the Count!" I demand again.

"I cannot!" he spits at me. "I know not who he is!"


With his giant eyes aimed at the cross, he continues. "The Count hired me to destroy you. I've never seen him!"

"Hired you? What could he pay you?"

"Status!" the vampire howled. "He promised us status in the world of the undead!"

"Where can I find the Count?" I press the cross close to his bone white flesh.

"Aaargh! I do not know!" he groaned in response. "I know he has a castle in --"

"Where?" I yell.

But it was more than the vampire could take. Even the cursed undead have survival instincts and with a flash, he knocked the cross aside. As fast as quicksilver, he leapt up and flew at me with evil and vengeance in his eye.

I rolled back with his attack, letting the monster's momentum carry him over me. He tumbled to the ground, stood up and howled again.

Then he stopped and looked at the stake in his chest.

He howled and exploded into a pile of dust.

Scratch one low level vampire.

Monday, December 12, 2005

To All the Girls I've Loved Before

By Private Hudson

To all the girls I've loved before

Who travelled in and out my door
I'm glad they came along

I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before

To all the girls I once caressed
And may I say I've held the best
For helping me to grow
I owe a lot I know

To all the girls I've loved before

The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away

To all the girls who shared my life
Who now are someone else's wives
I'm glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before

To all the girls who cared for me
Who filled my nights with ecstasy
They live within my heart
I'll always be a part
Of all the girls I've loved before

The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away

To all the girls we've loved before
Who travelled in and out our doors
We're glad they came along
We dedicate this song
To all the girls we've loved before

To all the girls we've loved before
Who travelled in and out our doors
We're glad they came along
We dedicate this song
To all the girls we've loved before