Thursday, December 29, 2005

At the Bloggies

Ebert: Hello, welcome back to At The Bloggies, I'm Roger Ebert and with me as always is Richard Roeper.

Roeper: We just saw the end of Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator's Count Vampire saga, and I have to say I was very unimpressed by this outing.

Ebert: You got that right, Richard. If he's an Intergalactic Gladiator, what's he doing on Earth fighting vampires? It doesn't make sense. Shouldn't he be fighting space monsters or something?

Roeper: Exactly, I thought exactly the same thing, and the only time he fights a space monster is when he's fighting a space vampire. How does a vampire survive in space?

Ebert: Space vampires, art school kids getting beat up, hiring vampires on the Internet? This plotline was incoherent at best.

Roeper: Those poor kids. Some people have real issues and it looked to me that when they were all reaching out for help, Jon just kicks them around and threatens them.

Ebert: And the dialog! When he's ripping off lines from the Batman movie, it just seems like a desperate grab.

Roeper: You're right. Jon's supposed to be a much more colorful and out-there character than some brooding Batman type. He really missed on that one. There was one line that I liked, though.

Ebert: Which was?

Roeper: Jon meets this Renée Zellweger-esque vampire and he says hello then stabs her in the heart. They tussle some, then she says "You had me at hello" and crumbles away. I wish more of it had that pop culture cleverness and comedic timing.

Ebert: I think you ruined it by over-explaining it.

Roeper: Too bad. I had problems with Hudson's character as well. He was very inconsistent, first he was a tough, Gung Ho stand-up Marine guy, then he's cowering from Dracula all afraid and everything.

Ebert: I thought that worked for him. It created a depth to the character that we hadn't seen before. Originally, I thought he was just a gun-crazed nutbag, but now I see there's more to him than that.

Roeper: Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one.

Ebert: I don't agree to that.

Roeper: OK, it missed something else as well.

Ebert: Yeah, it would have been nice to see Vampirella or something. Maybe Angelina Jolie could have played the part.

Roeper: Oh yeah, I'd pay to see that. But you're right, though, the story really was missing a love interest or some kind of a strong female lead. Where was Jon's wife? Where was Hudson's girlfriend or something?

Ebert: As I understand it, Jon's wife refuses to participate in his blog.

Roeper: Good for her. I would too, if I were her.

Ebert: If I were to give Jon credit for one thing, I guess it would be that the showdown at Dracula's castle was pretty good. The action was decent and it was a nice suprise that Dracula wasn't really the one who sent the letter.

Roeper: Eh. I did like the action at the castle, but I just couldn't buy the plot twist though. Oh, you shot up my castle, but I didn't send the letter, OK goodbye.

Ebert: OK, to wrap it up, Jon tries to deliver a nice story but it just doesn't quite hit the high watermark that he's established in earlier efforts. Some of the locations, like Transylvania, are nice, but the action sequences are pedestrian and the plot just doesn't quite deliver. Jon is Jon though, and you can see that there's almost something there. I give it a very mild thumbs up.

Roeper: A mild thumbs down for me. Hopefully, his next effort is better.


Master Yoda said...

Very harsh, Ebert and Not-As-Good-As-Siskel can be.

Karnov said...

Pheh... critics suck. They wouldn't know talent if it saved them from an intergalactic war

Anonymous said...

the only part I agreed in is that I should have been envolved more :P but I found it exciting though you didnt have to leave me on that planet :P

oh well.. I am glad they arent criticing my blog...
we wont invite them for New years ... I am sure you will be there to see Hudson get his but kicked by me or oneida


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

"On that planet?" You mean Earth?

Play nice now, some of us call this place home.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Hudson has a girlfriend? I think that deserves an entire posting.

Rough review Jon, but I think you'll bounce back from it just fine.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I think the two critics are using a girlfriend for Hudson as an example of a strong female character that the storyline was evidently missing. As we all know, Hudson can't keep a girl.

Private Hudson said...

That's right, I don't have a girlfriend. Why tie myself to one gal when so many are after me? Wild horses can't be broken. I am a freebird and this bird you cannot change. Game over.

Son Goku said...

wait he can get a girl in the first place?

Private Hudson said...

Well sure I can. Don't be rediculous. Pfft. Can I get a girl, indeed.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

We'll all want to see Hudson's girl.

Private Hudson said...

Well, I'd introduce you guys, but she's not here right now. She's visiting her relatives at Niagra Falls.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Uh huh, Niagra Falls. OK, but you must have a picture of her, right Hudson. Or maybe a name?

Anonymous said...

what I want to know is why the falls? is she like on her honey moon?

Professor Xavier said...

The important thing to remember Jon is that this was only one review. Who cares what Ebert and that other guy think? If they can't even agree on one thing, then clearly there is room for a lot different reactions.

I do have to agree about having more Vampirella though. At least more pictures of her. There should be some kind of quota or something.

Anonymous said...


He's gotta be close to 100 by now.

flu said...

Have you ever seen any of Ebert's shows.


I actually respected his opinion until I saw one of the flicks he produced.

Anonymous said...

uh. interesting thread :))