Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Where was I?

Oh yes, the lame vampires. Sorry that I haven't posted about them for a couple days. Everyone must be jonesing for the next installment. I know I am.

So look at this one. I don't even know what this thing is. He looks like some kind of goofy Scandinavian Jim Carrey or something. I quickly dispatch him and move onto the next vampire.

Now this guy to my left is more like it. He has this menacing countenance; he really looks like he could bite my neck and drink my blood. This guy just reeks of being a vampire. I'm sure he's got the whole vampire thing down, the big fangs, the "I vant to suck your blood" bit, the coffin. Everything.

Quickly I spring into action. Armed with a cross and wooden stakes, I subdue my enemy.

"Tell me about the Count!" I demand.

"Never!" he hisses.

I push the cross into his skin. With a sizzle, the unholy undead dermis begins to burn.

"Aaaaaaaah!" the vampire wails.

"Tell me about the Count!" I demand again.

"I cannot!" he spits at me. "I know not who he is!"


With his giant eyes aimed at the cross, he continues. "The Count hired me to destroy you. I've never seen him!"

"Hired you? What could he pay you?"

"Status!" the vampire howled. "He promised us status in the world of the undead!"

"Where can I find the Count?" I press the cross close to his bone white flesh.

"Aaargh! I do not know!" he groaned in response. "I know he has a castle in --"

"Where?" I yell.

But it was more than the vampire could take. Even the cursed undead have survival instincts and with a flash, he knocked the cross aside. As fast as quicksilver, he leapt up and flew at me with evil and vengeance in his eye.

I rolled back with his attack, letting the monster's momentum carry him over me. He tumbled to the ground, stood up and howled again.

Then he stopped and looked at the stake in his chest.

He howled and exploded into a pile of dust.

Scratch one low level vampire.


Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

shot first, then ask questions, or is it ask all of your questions, then shot them. Wow, I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets those confused.

flu said...

Jon, I think you're gonna have to use your impeccable powers of disquise to masquerade as a vampire in the hopes of being hired by the Count to take yourself out.

Then you could demand some up front payment on the bounty, and once the check clears, dispatch of the Count post haste!

or not. whatever

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Vampires seem to top your hit-list.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

That's right, Captain. Number one with a bullet, a silver bullet.

Fluke, maybe I'll try that, but I am not really known for my powers of disguise.

flu said...


well, good luck anyhoo!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I'm just sayin' that I'm no Pisachio Disquisey is all.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

If you're really concerned, you should talk to Pvt. Hudson, he knows a girl who's last name is 'theVampire-Slayer'must be some odd outer rim name. I hear she's rather good at killing vampires, big and small. And even if she's busy, she might be able to point you towards the Count.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dude Jabashortlegs wanted me to tell you she saw the count today, sezamay street, or somthin like that.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Why Commander Oneida, what a good idea!

Karnov said...

I know this one well, however she does have the habbit of sleeping around with the living dead as well.

Anonymous said...

BAH! The Count is nothing than a puppet as you will be...

Jon you are weak and not a good hunter if you were you would know that many of your so-called friends .... welll *evil laughter* let's say they may not speak up but profile pictures give endless clues....

Go on your hunt for the count... He is a male and pathetic any real vamp knows this...

They also know who holds all true power... you will not resist

I will get you Jon and your little marine too... (see he is already licking my boots)lol