Dracula!

"Who dares disturb the sleep of Count Dracula," the vampire demanded.

Hudson stepped forward and leveled his weapon at the evil bloodsucker. "I've come here to kick butt and chew bubblegum," he said. "And I'm all out of gum."

Dracula stared deep into Hudson's eyes. "Silence!" he commanded.

Hudson lowered his rifle and clasped his hand against his mouth. He stumbled back against the doorframe.

Dracula looked at me. "You vill lower your weapon also," his voice was smooth, a warmness, flowing over me. I felt compelled to drop the rifle, but I shook my head clear and kept the muzzle aimed straight at my adversary.

"Ah, so you are not so easily swayed, human," Dracula grinned. "You are strong. Vhat brings you here to my castle? Is it the glory of hunting the King of all Vampires?"

"Oh no, it was you who were hunting me," I said. "But the tables are turned, aren't they? Now I am the hunter and you who hunted me is now the huntee!"

"Vhat?" Dracula's brow furled. "You just lost me there."

"I said you hunted me, now I'm hunting you. The tables have turned, you undead bloodsucker."

"Vhy, I've done no such thing," the vampire sounded almost innocent. "I've not hunted you. I do not even know who you are."

"I'm Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator, buddy," I rumbled. "Ring any bells?"

"Intergalactic Whatinator?" Dracula's brow furled again.

I sighed, pulled the Count's letter out of my pocket and held it up so he could see it. "You sent me this!"

"I've sent you no such letter," Dracula answered. "I've been asleep for centuries."

"Then what of the vampire's ball downstairs?" I demanded. "You were planning something big, I know it."

"The vhat? Oh that. Well, I vas very tired so I told everyone to leave me alone until the next millennia," Dracula conceded. "Vhen that came, everyone just started showing up, hoping something would happen."

"What?"

"I really just wanted to rest, and the turn of the century came more quickly than I anticipated," the unholiest of the unholy undead shrugged. "All these vampires just came. I really vanted them to leave, but they vouldn't."

"So you're telling me--"

"Vait!" Dracula interrupted. "There is no noise from downstairs! None of that Satanawful music or loud voices or cackling laughter. Did you destroy all of the vampires below?"

"Well just a little," Hudson trembled. "I think there are still some left in the basement."

"You mean, I can finally rest without them disturbing me?"

I was a bit confused. "What?"

"No more 'Master, vhen vill you rise?' or 'Master, ve are your humble servants, do with us as you vill?'"

"They're all gone," I answered. My hand holding the letter dropped to my side, but the rifle was still on my hip and aimed at him.

"Oh my Satan, I am finally free of all these losers!" Dracula let out a big sigh. "I tell you, vhen there are too many vampires, they start feeding on rats and really lame humans. Those guys never increase their strength. They lack focus, they lack drive. They never amount to anything. It is so disheartening to see that happen."

"Well now they're amounting to piles of dust!" Hudson stepped forward and asserted.

"Silence!"

"Yes, Master," Hudson stepped back again.

"If you are responsible for ridding me of these... pests," Dracula stated. "then you have earned my undead gratitude. "You may leave my castle vith your life. But do not return, or that life which you hold dear is forfeit."

"But what of this Count?" I held up the paper.

"Let me see that," with a gesture, the paper fluttered to his hand. "Hmmm, I do not recognize zis handwriting at all. This is not Alucard, Blacula, or the Queen of the Damned."

"So you can't tell me who sent this?"

"I can tell you this, no vampire sent this. At least no self-respecting vampire would send this," he sniffed the paper. "it smells like... liliac."

"So it's back to square one with this mysterious Count," I frowned.

Dracula clapped his hands "Igor!" Instantly, the vampire's servant was at his side.

"Yes, Master?"

"Please show these two the door."

"Yes Master."

"Is downstairs destroyed from the battle?"

"It's pretty shot up," I said.

"It is very shot up, Master," Igor said.

"Just a little," Hudson scrunched his thumb and forefinger together.

"Very well," Dracula said. "Igor, show these people the door. Tomorrow, call the contractor and have everything repaired. And get the good contractor, too. That one we got last time really tried to screw me over. Some contractors are so evil."

"Yes, Master," Igor bowed. "This way, gentlemen."

Dracula's bride appeared by his side. "I bid you farewell," he said to us as we walked out the door. "Pay heed to what I have said. Do not return lest you dare to lose everything you that hold dear."

Igor gestured us to the staircase; when we reached it Dracula halted us a final time.

"And gentlemen, if you should see Vampirella," he said. "Tell her that I am old and tired and I do not have time for her treachery or Machiavellian conspiracy theories."

"OK," I said.

Hudson pointed to Dracula. "You got it, Chuck."

"Out!"

"Eeep!" Hudson flew down the stairs and out the door.

Igor showed me the door, or what was left of it. I walked out, down the path and onto the road where I met Hudson.

"What now?" he asked.

I don't know.