Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Finally, my enemy is within reach

I was full of holiday spirit, nothing could get me down, not even some subpar vampires. Yet, they tried again. This time, a group appeared in front of me in the darkness for a showdown.

"Intergalactic Gladiator, your destiny of darkness is upon you," said one.

"Oooooh, we're going to bite your neck!" said another.

"We will destroy you," said a third. "Your dark destiny is of darkness and unholy terror."

They pretty much stood there as I leapt into action. Quickly, I kicked one in the stomach, he doubled over, crumpled to the ground and started sobbing.

I twisted the arm of another, then flipped her over my shoulder. "Oh that hurts!" she complained. She sat on the ground, wallowing in her misery. "Oh the pain! The darkness! Hark, I shall never rise again."

I shoved the third aside and walked right up to the fourth, lifted him by his lapels and pushed him against a tree. I looked him over. "Hey! You're not even vampires."

"N--no, don't kill me!" he said frightened.

"Tell your friends," I growled. "Tell all your friends that I own the night."

"Whu-what are you?"

"I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, man."

His friend, who I had just pushed aside charged at me. I lifted my knee and he ran right into it. With an "Oooooof" he collapsed to the ground as well.

I shoved the fourth into the tree again.

"Now, who are you?" I asked, not so politely.

"I-I-I'm Blackwing Coldblade," he stammered.

"Blackwing what?"

"Blackwing Coldblade," he whimpered. Then he gathered enough contempt to add "It's a pseudonym."

"Really? And who are your friends?"

"Uh, Darkedove Hemlock, Bloodreaver Wintermoon, and Lillith Night," the others meekly waved and said hi. "OK, OK, we're not really vampires, but we really wanted to be."

"And when we saw how Ralph, I mean the Count, was hiring vampires, we thought that's our chance to be just like them," said Lilith. "Oh darkness, glorious darkness! It harkens to us all."

"You're not going to hurt us are you?" Darkedove asked .

I shook Blackwing a little. "Who's the Count?" I demanded.

"We can't tell you!" he whined.

I held him really close. "Tell me or you won't get out of this alive," I gritted my teeth at him. "And you won't be vampires, either."

"OK OK, his name is Count Damon von Darkchilde. We go to art school with him."

"Where is he?" I charged up my Sonic Stunner, with a whir it came to life.

"I'll, I'll show you," Blackwing sobbed. "Please don't kill me."

"Oh the darkness of death, I welcome thee," announced Lilith.

I sighed heavily and turned off my non-lethal weapon. "Alright, I'm not going to kill you."

"Oh unwelcome life, you taunt me so," said Lilith.

"Are you really an Intergalactic Gladiator?" asked Bloodreaver.


"So you travel around the galaxy and stuff?"


"Are there people out there like me?" Bloodrever asked.

"I suppose," I replied. "The galaxy is a big place."

"So I am not alone?" he brightened up.

"No, I guess not," I replied.

"Can I go into space with you?"



Professor Xavier said...

Nothing worse than whiny goth vampire wannabees.

So the Count's name is Ralph, huh? I wonder why he's hiring vampires. Maybe it's for the premiere of Underworld 2.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Yeah, probably wise not to bring any of them along on your ship, just imagine the makeup stains they'd leave all over the place, and I think Hudson would get a bit jealous.

Karnov said...

Count Ralph? Terrible name. He should go get it legally changed to something that isn't a verb. Like Bob or wade

utenzi said...

Jeeze, Jon. Girl vampire-wannabes are great in bed. You should have pressed your advantage in a different, and also nonlethal, way.

Michele sent me to read what I hope is only part of the story!

craziequeen said...

ah, it's nice to have ambition - even if it *is* to be a vampire...


Here via Michele


Deadpool said...

I would have taken Bloodrever into space then ditched him in the middle of nowhere.

Lori said...

First tries and kill you and then a hero...LOL

Have a great day!!!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Deadpool, it's a nice though but I couldn't do that for two reasons:

1. I'm the hero. You're the antihero, maybe you can get away with that kind of stuff, but I can't.

2. That ride into space would be the most unbearable hell imagineable.

Professor Xavier said...

And another thing . . who the heck does this Michele person think she is sending people places? And why do they go? Something just feels a bit subversive about the whole thing.