Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Showdown with Count Damen.

Armed with the knowledge of where my enemy is located and who he is, I made my way to 140 Shady Glenn Drive in the nice quiet suburb where the self-named Count Damen von Darkchilde lives.

It was dark out and I spent an hour scouting the area and quietly watching the house. The neighborhood was tranquil, "Darkchilde" was there in his bedroom on the second floor. It appeared that his parents were in their living room watching TV.

I fired the grappling hook from my Wristcomm and hoisted myself up to the roof, from there, I quietly and slowly crept towards the dormer window of his bedroom. Very easily, I peeked in. My quarry was sitting at a messy desk, tapping away on his computer keyboard.

After about twenty minutes, he got up and left the room. Very carefully, I tried the window and found it locked. I aimed my Sonic Stunner at the latch and fired. The ultrafrequency rumbling loosened then shook the hook open. Swiftly, I opened the window, deftly hopped in and agilely closed the window behind me. I then quickly moved behind the bedroom door so when Damon entered, he wouldn't see me.

I heard a toilet flush, then running water, shortly after that, "Damon" walked back into the room. He stopped and looked around, as if something wasn't quite right but he couldn't figure out what it was.

He stepped into the room and I closed the door behind him. With a start, he turned around to see what happened. When he saw me, all the blood drained from his face and he gulped.

"Damon von Darkchilde, I presume?" I stated.

He gulped again. If it were possible, it appeared that more blood drained from his face.

"Weren't you expecting me?" I held up his letter. "You did send me this, didn't you?"

"I-I-I, oh God," he rubbed his hand down his face and sat down on the bed. "You gotta believe me, I never meant to--"

"You posed as some kind vampire master and sent vampires to kill me, don't tell me that you 'never meant to' anything."

"Yeah, but I-I-I--"

"You're going to have to do better than that. If you think that this was some kind of game then you're wrong," I said angrily. "Vampires are evil demons and are usually very dangerous. Fortunately, the ones you hired really weren't."

"Oh God, look, I'm so sorry," the ersatz vampire lord pleaded. "I just found out about you on the Internet and I wanted to, you know, see you in action. I thought it would be cool, you know. Being an Intergalactic Gladiator must be awesome."

I looked at him. "How could I be mad at a fan? Oh yeah, you tried to kill me!" With a shove, he tumbled over his bed, onto the floor and crashed into the wall.

"Ralphie!" came a voice from downstairs. "Is everything OK?"

"Oh man, uh, yeah mom, everything's fine! I was just playing a computer game and I got a little excited! That's all!" he shouted back.

"Why don't you come downstairs for some ice cream, Ralphie Poo?"

"Aw mom, don't call me that! I don't want ice cream!"

"OK, but we're all having some down here, if you don't come get some now, I'm putting it away!"

"I said no thanks, mom! I'm busy!"

I heaved Ralph up and pressed him against the wall. "You don't talk to your mother like that!" I admonished. "Respect your elders."

"Don't kill me! Don't kill me!" he cringed.

"You still need to finish answering my questions. So you wrote to me and said that you were going to kill me, how'd you send vampires after me?"

He nodded towards his computer. "I found them online. You can get anything through the Internet, you know. I told them that you were my foe and that the one who destroys you can feast on your blood. I thought that it would be cool to see. I had one of my friends, Darkhammer Nightclone video the fights, you were awesome!"

"And where's he?"

"I don't know," sweat was beading on his brow. "I haven't seen him in two days."

"Speaking of your friends, did you know that some of them tried to attack me last night?"

"Really? My friends?

"Yeah, uh, it was Nightsomething, Blackwing Winterreaver, Lilith Somebody, uh, and someone else. I don't know. They were pathetic."

"Oh man, I hired them? They're not even vampires! I can't believe they did this to me. Gosh, I'm gonna kick them!"

"Hmmpf, what a shame," I replied. "OK, what about the lilac-scented letter, then? What was with that?"

"Oh well," he looked around sheepishly. "I didn't have any paper, so I borrowed some of my sisters."

"And sending me after Count Dracula was just a ruse?"

"You went after Dracula?" he asked. "Oh man, I thought he was just a book. That must've been awesome."

"Not really," I changed the subject. "You said you videoed me, where's the video?"

"Uh, it's all on my harddrive."

"And you said you hired the vampires on the Internet?"

"Yeah, I, wait don't--!"

I fired the grappling hook at the computer, sparks cascaded briefly from the box as a burnt smell filled the air."

"Aw God no!" he sobbed.

I pointed my finger at him. "If I find that those videos anywhere, I'm coming back to get you. If I so much as see another vampire, I'm coming back to get you. If I so much as think that you're up to anything, I'm going to make your life very miserable."

"You-you're not going to kill me?"


"So, you're going to let me go?" he asked with hope in his eyes.

"Not yet."


Ralphie's parent were sitting on a couch in the living room watching TV when they heard a shout from the backyard.

"Mom! Dad! Help!"

They rushed outside to see Count Damon von Darkchilde hanging by his underpants from a tree. He was severely wedgied and in obvious pain.

"What happened to you, Ralphie?" his mom looked horrified.

"I, uh, fell out of my window."

EDIT: Private Hudson has thrown down the proverbial gauntlet. Read about it here.


Karnov said...

HAHA... Atomic Wedgie him!

Vegeta said...


Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

I like Chris Chelios, is he still playing? I was sad when Mike Richter retired, but anyways...

And you're right Mr. Intergalatic Gladiator, you can tell a tree's age by it's ring. The person who does for as a living is a dendrochronologist.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

That's very interesting that you know that, Commander. I would never think that there would be a specific job for counting rings. I could never do it, though, I'd have to start over a lot.

Professor Xavier said...

An Atomic Wedgie was definitely what "Ralphie-poo" deserved. On the upside, you did get to kill a ton of vampires, which is a real service to the world. Three cheers for Jon!!

Deadpool said...

Dude, if you hadn't wedgied him, I would never have looked at you the same...I mean read about you the same.