Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bruce the Ewok

My mother-in-law lives near Belmont and Halsted in Chicago. This used to be a rough neighborhood 20 or so years ago, but it is much more colorful these days. Imagine my surprise when I saw Bruce the Ewok walking down the street in that area yesterday.

He was wearing a brightly colored sleeveless T-shirt, yellow bicycle shorts, and a fanny pack. Interestingly, all he would say to me was "Zub zub, fella."

He had a companion, who explained to me that while in his teens, Bruce discovered that he was different from the other Ewoks. There were many aspects of Ewok life that Bruce loved, the singing and dancing in particular, but Bruce still felt very different from his furry brothers and sisters. Bruce was expected to become a great hunter like his father and to bear his parents many grandchildren, but this was not to be Bruce's future. This caused his parents and their tribe such stress that Bruce felt it would just be easier if he moved to a place where people were more like him.

Now Bruce lives here, and though he has many friends, he still doesn't feel entirely at place here either. He feels caught between two worlds; not entirely welcome in either.

There is a lesson to be learned here, maybe it's "An individual needs to follow his or her own destiny" or maybe it is "Our differences should always be celebrated." I don't know, but it probably isn't "An Ewok in bicycle shorts looks too darn cute."

Monday, May 30, 2005

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day to all the veterans and current servicemen and women.

Also, a word of advice to all of you Junior Intergalactic Gladiators. If you have party at your house and the guests drink all of the beer, resist the temptation to switch to vodka and Diet Moutain Dew.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Kids Say And/Or Do The Darndest Things

This last weekend, we were at party at my mother-in-law's for some family friends. As the evening wore on, Kiera, my three-year-old daughter started to get tired.

When Kiera gets tired, she plucks at her eyelid with her fingers. On this particular night, she had a wooden pinwheel in her hand so she was poking her eyelid with the stick end of it.

"Don't poke your eye with that, Kiera," I told her. "Or we'll have to replace your eye with a grape."

"Nuh uh," she replies. "I'll just get a new eye."

"Where are you going to get a new eye?" I asked.

"At the Eye Store," she says matter-of-factly, as if she had been to the Eye Store hundreds of times.

I have to chuckle to myself, there are no Eye Stores here, maybe on Belgon IV, but not here.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Oracle Update

Anyone know where I can get a 37 volt battery?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

The Oracle

I took a trip to Tortuna yesterday and in a little dusty shop in a little quiet corner just right of the main road of the bazaar I found the most interesting item.

"We don't get hummings in here very often," Said the shopkeeper Geezi. "I thought that you were not a space faring race."

"There are excpetions," I replied, hefting the item and looking it over.

"Oh, that is a very mysterious and powerful device. It is the Oracle of Orwellia! There is only one known in existence. It will see into the future. It will tell you much!"

I gazed at the orb, it had a polished, brassy surface with some sort of window or jewel in the center. Suddenly it winked to life and I saw the future!

  • The Patriots of New England will win their second consecutive Super Bowl, establishing a rare dynasty in the age of free agency and salary caps.
  • A new television program about housewives will sweep the country with its blend of humor, mystery, drama and sexy situations.
  • That guy next door with all the animals, yeah he has a dark secret.
  • M. Night Shyamalan will make a movie that when viewed, seems creepy and chilling with a twist ending, but when reflected upon, seems trite and obvious.
  • President Bush will win a second term, despite heavy critisism of his policies and administrations.
  • Quentin Tarantino will direct a movie where all the charactrers just stand around waving guns and saying the F word for 2 hours.
  • Joe will get hit by a bus.
  • Brad and Jennifer will break up, tabloids will allege an affair between he and Angelina.
  • Destructo, the Evil Galactic Overlord will forget to carry the 8 and miss the Earth with his Pulsar beam by about 12 parsecs.
  • The Cubs will not win the World Series.
  • The chick in The Crying Game was a guy.

I snapped out of the haze of the Oracle and I was amazed. The device knew the future and I must have it! I quickly paid Geezi and hurried out of the shop with my prize.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Screaming MeMe or Handy Says "Read a Book!"

That pontificating picklefaced Picard! First he stiffs me on my payment for performing at the Ten Forward, then he sticks me with this! Very well, when life hands you Naktarian lemons you make Naktarian lemonade.

Number of books I own: I dunno, lots. Between my wife and I, we have more than I could guess. Add the boxes of comic books in my basement from my misspent youth, and you have a few decades worth of reading material (had I known what line of work I would be getting into, I would have trained more).

The last book I bought: Star Wars NJO, the Unifying Force.

The last book that I read: If You Love a Bear, to my three-year-old daughter.

Five books that mean a lot to me: Of Mice and Men. The first book assigned to me in high school that I read entirely from cover to cover. I've read it several times since, it is a very powerful book.

Tales of The Unexpected. A great book of short stories. One of the authors is just an amazing man. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1413718248/qid=1116986140/sr=1-3/ref=sr_1_3/104-5078466-6830324?v=glance&s=books

Guess How Much I Love You. One of my favorites to read to my girl.

Margaret Weis' Star of the Guardian and Mag Force 7 series. Two separate series, really. Star of the Guardian is a great adventure, Star Wars fans should enjoy it. Mag Force 7 takes is about a mercenary team set in the same universe. I know this is a cop out, I am including 8 books here.

Confederacy of Dunces. I just started this, this is one of my wife's favorites. I included it so I look a bit more intellectual.

It's hard to come up with a list of seven, there are lots more, How Much For Just the Planet?; Ramones, An American Band; from OSS to the Green Berets; Bart Simpson's Guide to Life; Tales From the Chicago Bears Sidelines are but a few.

He winds up, the throw! The Screaming MeMe lands over at Angel (Superhero)'s blog!

Monday, May 23, 2005

Lounging at Ten Forward

[Crowd murmuring, applause]
Thank you, thank you. My name is Johnny Warpten and I will be your entertainment tonight at the Ten Forward. Isn’t this place great? What a view this place has!

Phasers in the night, firing across expanses
Wondering in the night, what were the chances?
We would fall in love before the firefight was through.
Something in your eyes was so exciting,
and in your smile, ooh, inviting.
In my heart I knew I must have you.

[Applause] Thank you, thank you very much. Hi, what’s your name?

Worf: I am Lt. Worf.

That’s great, you’re a Klingon, aren’t you?

Worf: yes, I --

Great, wasn’t the Federation and the Klingon Empire once at war?

Worf: Yes, it was a long and bloody conflict. Many lives were --

Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars
Gimme those Star Wars, across the sky

Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars
Please let those Star Wars, stayyyyyy

Worf: there was nothing entertaining about that war, many lives were lost.

Thank you, thank you very much. Say, what’s your name?

Data: I am data, sir.

And what’s with the skin? Are you jaundiced or did you drink too much Sunny D? [mild laughter]

Data: No sir, I am an android. I have a posotroni--

He's alive....Alive!
Weird science
Weird Science
Plastic tubes and pots and pans
Bits and pieces and
Magic from the hand
We're makin'
Weird science
Things I've never seen before
Behind bolted doors
Talent and imagination!

[Applause] Thank you, thank you very much. Hey, I gotta thank Guinan here for having me in her lounge tonight. The last time I saw a face like that it was on a can of Andorian Rochned Chow. Hey everybody, don’t forget to tip your bartender! Say, you two look cute, how are you doing tonight?

Riker: Doing well.
Troi: Giggle.

Love! Exciting and new!
Come on aboard we’re expecting you!
The Love Boat, soon we’ll be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone!
Set a course for adventure excitement and romance!

[Laughter and applause] Thank you, thank you, here’s one of my favorites, I hope you like it too.

It’s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It’s been a long time, but my time is finally near. [spattering of boos]

Just kidding everyone,

Beyond the rim of the starlight, [laughter and applause]
my love is wand’ring in star flight.
I know he'll find
In star clustered reaches
Love, strange love
A starwoman teaches.

I know his journey ends never.
His Star Trek will go on forever.
But tell him while
He wanders his starry sea,
Remember, Remember me. [applause]

Thank you, thank you very much. Before I take a little break, I want to thank the Captain for letting me on his ship so I can bring a little entertainment into your evening, and boy do I mean little! [Audience laughs] But seriously folks, let’s have a round of applause for Captain Picard [applause, Capt. Picard smiles and waves].

Ride, captain ride upon your mystery ship
Be amazed at the friends you have here on your trip
Ride captain ride upon your mystery ship
On your way to a world that others might have missed

[applause] Captain Picard. everybody! Thank you, thank you everybody, you’re terrific. I’ll be back after a short break.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

The Collosal Rngarnghk

If there's one thing I hate more than anything else in this universe it is a sore loser. I'm not talking about the Kick-the-dirt-in-a-huff-because-you-lost-the-big-game kind of sore loser. I am talking about the Destroy-the-planet-with-your-ultimate-weapon kind. The Collosal Rngarnghk and I go way back. He is actually one of Freddy N'Zaumnthchl's cronies and is as dirty a player as there ever was. We were in the arena fighting and naturally he's fighting dirty (it seems like the ref is always distracted when a heal cheats) and after much back and forth action, I get the upper hand.

I get several devastating blows in, I disable his Awful Clawful (that thing is disgusting), I got him on his back and I am about to deliver the finishing blow (what we call a coup de grace in the business) when he activates a teleporter on his wrist device!

Obviously, those things are illegal and I won by DQ. But it just isn't the same, you know.

So the match is over and Rngarnghk appears, growling and slobbering, all over all of the screens. He's got his space station in orbit, he's got a giant death beam on it, he's going to blow up the planet, yadda yadda yadda. I'm sure you've all heard this stuff before.

So of course, I have to go up there and stop him. I fight my way onto his space station, and the thing is huge. It's a fricking labyrinth, and as I make my way through it, I have to wonder who builds these things.

He's got the countdown to fire initiated (of course he does, they always have a countdown on those things), I finally fight my way to the control center and hurl my lasar trident into the interface -- right before zero, I might add. I beat on Rngarnghk some more, pick him up and hurl him through a viewscreen and he plummets from the upper level of the control center to the lower. "Looks like you're going down," I say. I know, it wasn't my best line, but it will make it on the recap show tonight.

So Rngarnghk's defeated and they suspend him indefinitely. You just know the promoters will bring him back, though. Despite the fact that he's pure evil and his planet-destroying ways, he really draws and he knows how to work a crowd.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Do cyborgs dream in 1's and 0's?

Saturday May 21, 2005

Reading: Curious George and the Devilish Dervish of Doom.

Music: The Planets: Mars by Holst

I had the weirdest dream the other night. I was in the arena fighting a Mongrellian pantherbot and I look up at the audience and they're looking at me strangely -- they're not cheering at all. Some are pointing, a few laughing, and most of them just look at me with their jaws dropped open.

Then I look down and I see that I am fighting in my underpants! Everything then slows down to a crawl, like I am running in deep sand or Jell-O.

They were my Superman Underoos from 2nd grade, too! I felt so embarrassed. I have to quit eating those space pizzas so soon before bed.

Lasar Force

I just wanted to drop a quick note about my powerful allies over at Lasar Force. They are a powerful team of colorful individuals banded together to save the Earth with the power of lasar. I have to admit, though, I think Lasar Leader is a little to "into" lasars, if you know what I mean.

Lasar Force can be found at http://www.geocities.com/lasarforce/.

Don't forget to tell 'em I sent ya!

Friday, May 20, 2005

A Royal Battle

I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket.

Holding the weapon aloft, I yelled to the crowd "The 'eyes' have it!" The audience was beside itself, roaring and cheering my victory.

Victory, thy taste is sweet.