Wednesday, April 30, 2008


“Welcome viewers to a very special edition of 20 Questions, I am your host Hector Ramirez. We will take a break tonight from catching online furry predators who are propositioning Anime cosplayers to bring you something a little less sensational yet still probably just as current.

Presidential hopeful Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator’s campaign has been a rocky one to say the least. Though his popularity in the polls is without question, when the Emmagate scandal hit, many did question his morality and personal ethics. Two of the anchoring factors in Jon’s campaign has been his campaign manager Professor Charles Xavier and his running mate Fluke Starbucker. But one of those anchors has been missing for quite some time and Jon’s campaign now seems off the track as he races across the country on some wild goose chase that he’s claimed will clear his good name.

Tonight, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has called a press conference under the watchful eye and giant feet of Lady Liberty herself. Will he address his scandal with Emma Frost? Will he explain his mission or his partner’s disappearance? Let’s go live to Ellis Island to find out as Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator steps up to the podium.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, citizens of the free world, I come before you today to make a statement that I did not want to make; one that I hoped that I would not have to make; one that I prayed that I would not make. But it is now time that I make this unfortunate statement.

(Heavy breath)

My vice presidential running mate and one of my best buds, Fluke Starbucker has been a great asset to this campaign and to me for these many months. He is a strong and hardworking man who isn’t afraid to roll up his sleeves and tighten the bolts or loosen the nuts of a moisture vaporator. He’s also not afraid to roll up the same sleeves and tighten the bolts of America’s moisture vaportor. I’m speaking metaphorically here, of course.

Fluke Starbucker is a man who said that he’d stand up for America. The he said that he was ready to sit down and work hard as vice president. He then said that he was ready to stand up and help his fellow man. And then he said that he’s ready to sit down at the table of liberty to drink from a wine glass of justice. Fluke Starbucker was willing to do a lot of sitting and standing for this country, more sitting and standing then an hour long sing-along session of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean.

Well unfortunately, Fluke Starbucker has been lost at sea and is now presumed dead.

Somewhere between flying from the sub-swing states of Alaska and California, Fluke Starbucker’s plane was lost at sea over the Bermuda Triangle. Efforts to find him were made by many global organizations who consider themselves friends of Fluke. Members of International Rescue, Max Ray of the Centurions, Torpedo, Wet Suit, and Shipwreck from G.I.Joe, the crew of the SeaQuest, and even the Submariner and Aquaman all pitched in to help in the search, even though it got rather ugly between the two and wound up degenerating into quite an altercation. I tell you, there were tridents and narwhals flying back and forth with incredible fury.

This search, however, has proven to be fruitless. Fluke Starbucker is now gone and presumed eaten by a shark or perhaps an octopus, maybe even one of the sectopuses that I saw on CNN a couple weeks ago. Was that thing something or what? Wherever Fluke is now, I hope that it is a happier place; full of joy and somewhere where he feels no pain.

Fluke’s parents, Herb and Judy Starbucker of Sheboygan Wisconsin, yes Herb Starbucker the Corn Muffin King of Sheboygan County, have been really strong troughout this ordeal and even now, thousands of Friends of Fluke gather outside their small town home in a candlelight vigil. God bless you Herb and Judy and may the Spores fuse with you always.
Because of these developments and because of the wishes of Fluke himself, I find it my melancholy duty to name his successor as vice president in my campaign for president of these United States. Because we must always look forward and not backwards; upwards not downwards; and inwards before we can see outward, I now select Optimus Prime as my vice presidential running mate. I believe Mr. Prime is standing by at Autobot Headquarters right now at Mount St. Hilary and is ready to make his own statement.

Thank you and good night.”

I stepped off the podium, unable to answer the questions of the reporters shouting. I felt, for the first time, that Fluke Starbucker was really gone. We had been through so much together, Big Brother Naboo, that wild party in Sky City, that other wild party at Sky City. But now he was no longer among us and my thoughts of him seemed to fade fast like one of those pretty girls in a hazy alcohol-induced dream who you’re trying to run towards but it feels like you’re on sand and then she’s gone.

Even more unusual in all this was the absence of Professor Xavier. He’s the one who got this press conference together and yet he too is gone as if it’s slipped his mind or something. That in itself is unusual as you wouldn’t expect the Professor to be the type to let his mind wander.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Cobra Airship Blewed Up!

“Wow, that was a close one,” Agent Hanson sighed as we moved away from the exploding remains of the Cobra Airship.

“Yeah, too close,” I agreed. “I don’t ever want to be on some giant terrorist airship when it’s blowing up and crashing into the desert ever again. Gotta admit, it was pretty exciting while it lasted, though.”

“You know Jon, I said a few things back there that maybe I shouldn’t have,” the FBI agent admitted.

“Aw don’t worry about it,” I dismissed it with a wave. “It was pretty intense up there. I didn’t think we were going to make it myself.”

“I’m serious. It’s hard to find someone who doesn’t crack under pressure like that,” she jammed her thumb back towards the giant fireball. “It’s especially hard to find someone who seems dedicated to doing the right thing like you are.”

“Aw go on,” I answered sheepishly.

“No really,” she insisted. “You’re not an incompetent idiot who’s going to get us killed. That stunt you pulled off up there was… I don’t know, I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “I’m glad we’re OK. Hey look who’s decided to join the party.”

Fighter planes raced past overhead as a helicopter with twin rotors came in for a landing near us. After it hit the dirt, half a dozen soldiers hopped out, one of whom strode right over towards us.

“I’m General Hawk, leader of the G.I.Joe team,” he said. “You want to tell me who’s responsible for this mess?”

“Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI, Sir!” Hanson stood at attention in front of the officer. “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I are responsible for bringing down the Cobra Airship, sir.”

“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator?” Hawk reached his hand towards mine. “I thought I recognized you. Good job you two, by taking down that thing; you stopped Cobra Commander’s plans and crippled a major portion of his forces.”

“Yeah about that,” I said. “I’m glad to help and all, but Cobra Commander did say that he was going to hunt me down for it.”

“I wouldn’t worry about Cobra Commander,” Hawk replied. “Joe satellites have tracked him down. He’s in a giant castle with snakes all over it in the Andes Mountains. We’ll catch that snake this time.”

“Good luck with that,” I replied just as my Wristcomm started pinging. “Excuse me. This is Jon.”

“Jon this is Professor Xavier,” the voice on the other end said. “I’ve captured Mystique and uncovered who hired her to impersonate Emma Frost. It was the Henchman.”

“Henchman of Local 432? You’ve got to be kidding,” I replied. “How’s he mixed up in this?”

“Well when evil’s afoot, the Henchman is usually underfoot,” the Professor replied.

“Hah, I know what you’re saying,” I replied.

“On another note, and this pains me to say this,” he paused for a moment. “It appears that you are going to have to make that announcement after all.”

“I was afraid that was going to happen,” I answered.

“Will you be able to make it if I call a press conference tomorrow?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess I don’t have a choice.”

“Very well, the conference will be in New York on Liberty Island,” the Professor replied. “I find that will be a good, patriotic place for it.”

“Alright,” I replied unenthusiastically. “I’ll be there.”

Friday, April 25, 2008

“Ssstop shooting the consolesss you fool!” Cobra Commander yelled over the comm screen. “Sstop him, Cobraaaa!”

One of the Cobras at his post begrudgingly stepped up to stop me and got shot in the knee courtesy of Agent Hanson. He fell to the ground next to Colonel Scar.

“Don’t anybody else try it,” she warned.

“You’ll pay for this!” the Commander threatened. “I’ve got lawyers – the best that money can buy.”

“Lawyers don’t scare me,” I shrugged and then shot another console. “I don’t have any money.”

“Oh oh, Jon,” Hanson called to me. “What do we have here?”

“What is it?” I ran over to where she was beckoning. “It’s a self destruct button! Oh Joy!”

“Sssstay away from that thing!” the terrorist leader hissed.

“Don’t you touch that!” Colonel Scar added.

“But listen. Can you hear it call to me?” I wrapped my arms around the console the button was attached to. “I cannot resist its siren spell.”

“No Jon, don’t do it!” Hanson egged me on in a mock horrified tone.

“How long can Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator resist pushing the self destruct button?” I called out in an announcer’s voice. “The beautiful, shiny button? The jolly, candy-like button? We he hold out folks? Can he hold out?”

“If you touch that button, I will bring an entire global terrorist organization down on top of you!” Cobra Commander threatened. “You will not be able to move a muscle without my minions there to kill you. Stop one of them and three will take his place!”

I pushed the red button. “Oops, I dood it.”

“Oh now you did it,” Hanson added.

The PA system called out a self destruct warning in a calm woman’s voice. In a panic, Cobra troopers shot out of their seats and out the door.

“I love these self destruct warning voices,” I sighed. “They always have these sexy voices. I wanna know who has the job of recording these.”

“Oh I’ve met her,” Hanson replied. “She’s got a nice gig.”

“Ahhhhhhh!” the Commander screamed. “I can’t believe you--!”

His image exploded as a blaster bolt from Betsy blew up the screen.

“I don’t see why you didn’t do that a half hour ago,” Hanson noted.

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “Maybe I’m gluten for punishment.”

“So how are you going to get us out of here?” she asked.

“Well, I’ve been working on that,” I held up my finger in reply.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Trapped on the Cobra Airship -- like a fox!

“Well if you were looking to get the attention of Cobra’s leader, I think you’ve met your goal,” Agent Hanson said. “What are you going to do now?”

“Don’t worry, I’m on it,” I said. I then turned to Colonel Scar, still on the deck clutching his shoulder. “Give me your coat.”

“What?” he sputtered.

“I said give me your coat,” I repeated. “You’re being defrocked.”

Scar stared at me coldly but didn’t move.

“You see, defrocking is a way of saying that someone is being relieved of his or her duty, but a frock is also a coat,” I explained. “It’s like a dual meaning. “

“I get it,” he replied. “I just don’t think it’s very funny.”

With a sigh of exasperation, I tore his coat off and kicked him back to the deck again. I then put the coat on and brushed the upper arms.

“It’s a little snug,” I said. “But it’ll do. Please put Cobra Commander up on the screen.”

“Colonel Scar jussst what do you think you’re…” Cobra Commander’s image paused for a second. “Who are you?”

“I’m Colonel Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and this airship is now under my command,” I answered. “Colonel Scar has been defrocked.”

“He’sss what?” the Commander demanded.

“Defrocked,” I repeated. “Get it? Not only did I relieve him of his command, but I took his coat as well.”

“I get the joke, I just don’t think it’s funny!” he yelled back. “I want that airship back. I paid a lot of good money for that thing and I don’t want you destroying it.”

“Don’t worry, I’m taking good care of it, ooops,” I spilled a technician’s glass of water on his keyboard. Sparks and flew from between the keys as acrid smoke wafted up. “I’m still a little upset that you hired Zartan to kill me and take my place on my presidential campaign.”

“What? That’ssss ridiculousssss!” the terrorist leader hissed back. “That’ss really not my sstyle. I did no such thing, really.”

“And yet that’s what he tried,” I answered.

“Oh well, of course I have Zartan on retainer, but I can’t account for all of his activitiessss,” he shrugged. “He must have taken the job from sssomeone elsssse.”

“What do you think?” I turned to Hanson. “Think he’s being honest?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “It seems like it but it’s not like I have some super power to read heat signatures to tell if someone’s lying or telling the truth.”

“Oh man, that would be a great power,” I said. “All I can do is bark like a dog. Listen to this: Arf arf arf!”

“Hey that does sound like a dog!” she exclaimed. “Can you do a bigger dog?”

“Woof woof woof.”

“That’s good, too,” she laughed. “Very impressive.”

“Yeah, now you see why this guy’s taken,” I said as I licked my fingertips and ran them through my eyebrows.

“Clearly your mate isss one lucky woman,” Cobra Commander said over the comm screen. “But can we get back to the businessss at hand? I want my airship back.”

“Cobra Commander, I am impounding this airship in the name of the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” Hanson announced. “You are hereby charged with conducting terrorist activities on US soil, defiling federal lands, and violating US airspace. Please surrender to the nearest FBI office for processing.”

“I don’t think so,” he replied haughtily. “You may have control of that one room, but there is a hundred Cobras on that ship. Do you think you can arrest them all?”

“Maybe,” I answered. “I hear they Cobras are pretty bad shots.”

“Argh! Shut up you fool!”

“Hit a little too close to home?” Hanson smirked.

“Their ability to hit the target notwithstanding,” Cobra Commander composed himself. “I sstill do not think you’ll be able to fight them all off.”

“Well we’ll just have to give it a try then, huh?” I answered.

“Attention Cobra,” the Commander announced over the ship’s PA system. “An extra 500 gold Cobra Coins to the Viper who destroys those two. Cobraaaaaa!”

“Oh man, we can’t fight through them all,” I conceded.

“That’sss more like it,” he replied with a hiss. “Surrender and you may live.”

“Nope,” I shook my head. “I’ll just do this instead.”

I pulled out Betsy and shot a console.

“You fool! What are you doing?” Cobra Commander yelled.

I answered by shooting another control panel.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Inside the Cobra Airship

Colonel Scar laughed maniacally as his airship soared into the air. Scar really didn’t seem like the type to laugh maniacally at things, and yet there he was laughing as maniacally as you could imagine someone would.

“Ha ha! It’ll never get off the ground, they said,” he announced with mockery heavy on his voice. “Colonel Scar, it will never fly what with the cost overruns and the issues with the contractors. Well I sure showed them, didn’t I?”

There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence. Scar glared at the nearest trooper.

“Uh, yeah, you sure showed them, sir,” the trooper quickly responded.

“If you destroyed Mount Rushmore, God help you I’ll—” Agent Hanson warned with a growl.

I stumbled to a porthole as the giant airborne behemoth shifted and shuddered and I looked out towards the earth below. “Looks like Rushmore’s OK. We’re flying over it now.”

“Consider yourself lucky for that,” the FBI agent announced to the Cobra officer with a pointer finger.

“Yeah, destroying a monument like that would just be wrong,” I added. “And evil.”

“Well I am evil,” he insisted. “I don’t know what kind of a villain would think of something like that though. That’s just so wrong on so many levels.”

“Good, because that’s way not cool,” I added.

“Enough about Rushmore!” Scar yelled. “This Cobra airship in now heading on a course southwest where we will attack Area 52.”

“Area 52?” I asked. “Isn’t that supposed to be Area 51?”

“Oho, that’s what they want you to think,” Scar cackled. “Tell him, FBI Agent Hanson.”

“Ixnay on the Area-ay Fifty Oo-tay,” Hanson grumbled.

“That’s right,” the Cobra leader sneered. “They want you to think about Area 51, that way you don’t think about what’s going on in Area 52.”

“So what’s going on in Area 52?” I asked.

“Alien stealth technology,” he answered quietly and evilly. “With the alien stealth technology, Cobra will destroy G.I.Joe and conquer the world!”

“Alien stealth technology? that’s ridiculous,” I laughed. “Hey, beam me up, Scotty! Aliens, pfft.”

“Shut up, Jon,” Hanson growled under her breath.

“You’ll be wise to watch what you’re saying,” Scar warned. “You’ll see this alien technology soon enough.”

“No, see I already talked to King Ming from Planet Nine from Outer Space and he says he doesn’t want to come to Earth. He doesn’t like the smell of some of the inhabitants. Namely jackbooted Cobra officers in giant flying deathtraps.”

“Very nice, but I see what you’re doing,” Colonel Scar answered. “You’re trying to get me all riled up so I make a mistake. Consider your attempt failed.”

“If that’s what you think,” I shrugged. “Your plan in this thing won’t work anyway.”

Scar glared at me. “What do you mean it won’t work?”

“Oh come on, everyone in this room already knows the outcome of this scenario. Either the Joes will shoot it out of the sky with their jet fighters or someone’ll stick a time bomb on the side and blow it up or someone will sneak onboard and bring it down from within. It happens every time.”

“Really? Well it won’t happen this time,” the enemy officer blustered. “Will it?”

Some of the Cobra troops shuffled in their seats uncomfortably.

“Such a big weapon is just a big target you know,” Hanson added. “What’s with you villains and your big super weapons anyway?”

“Yeah,” I added. “What’s up wit’ dat?”

“I know what it is,” Hanson answered. “He’s overcompensating.”

“Yeah, I hear what you’re saying,” I laughed.

“Silence!” Scar bellowed. “I will show you who’s overcompensating for what.”

Suddenly, the normal noise of the operations center of the Cobra airship and Colonel Scar’s ranting was interrupted by the noise of a pistol firing. I whipped around to see Agent Hanson with the smoking weapon in hand, smirking just a little.

“Freeze, FBI!” she commanded.

“Ah! You shot me!” Scar wailed as he clutched his arm in pain and stumbled backwards to the deck.

“Hey Schultzie!” I called out to the troop holding my Wristcomm. He looked and I kicked him in the face for his effort. I quickly scooped my weapon up and strapped it to my arm. By this time, two Vipers were aiming their weapons at me, but were quickly dispatched by Hanson as well.

“Don’t anybody else try anything,” the agent ordered. “Keep your hands and faces on your control panels. Anyone who tries anything will gets this.”

“Where’d you hide that thing?” I asked.

“Don’t ask,” she replied. “So now what?”

“I don’t know,” I said as I shot the control panel to the door with Winona. “Lemme think for a minute.”

“Uh…” a Cobra trooper at his communications station looked towards us.

“What?” Hanson growled as she swung her pistol at him.

“Uh, Cobra Commander is calling. He demands to speak to Colonel Scar.”

Hanson looked at me. “Looks like we don’t have a minute.”

Thursday, April 10, 2008

From the Nose of a Statue to the Mouth of a Snake!

Agent Hanson and I were crawling through an airshaft, the entrance of which is located on Lincoln’s nose on Mount Rushmore. We weren’t sure exactly where it was taking us, but we were certain it would be trouble.

“Airshaft’s kind of long,” I huffed as I low crawled through it. “You’re lucky you can fit through more easily.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she shot back quickly.

“I just mean you’re a little smaller than me,” I replied. “And you can fit through a tight space like an airshaft better than I can.”

“Don’t you start crap with me,” she growled. “Nothing I’ve ever done had been easier, don’t think this is too.”

“Whoa whoa, I’m not saying you’ve got it easy or anything,” I replied (hopefully) disarmingly. “I’m just talking is all.”

“Well maybe you should only say something if you think it’s necessary.”

“Fine, I gotcha,” I said. “I’ll only say something if I think it’s absolutely, positively, 100 percent, A number 1, super important you gotta know it necessary. I know some people who will just talk and talk, they babble and babble and babble on and on and on about the dumbest stuff ever. Not me though, I only say stuff when I know it’s important. I’m like the strong, silent type. Like John Wayne, only I think he was taller.”

“Would you shut! Up!” she yelled.

Suddenly, there was a creak, a groan and we plummeted through the thin metal and onto the cold floor below.

“Well that was fun,” I said as I picked myself up and dusted off my arms and hands.

Hanson and I were interrupted by about a dozen clicking noises. You know that clicking when a cartridge is being slammed into the bolt of an automatic rifle? Yeah, clicking like that. I looked around and realized that we were smack dab in the middle of a snake den.

“Hi, I’m Joe Krackow from Krackow Heating and Air Conditioning,” I said. “We were, uh, just inspecting your system here and—”

“FBI, don’t move, you’re all under arrest!” Agent Hanson shouted as she drew her pistol.

Instantly, the rifles trained on her.

“I don’t think we got the drop on ‘em,” I said as I raised my hands and stole a glance at the hole in the ceiling.

“Take their weapons,” an officer commanded.

Hanson glowered angrily as she surrendered her sidearm. One of the troopers grabbed Betsy and Winona from their holsters.

“Nice rayguns, spaceman,” he laughed as he twirled them around on his fingers.

“Shut up,” I replied.

“I wouldn’t get too mouthy,” he warned as he pressed one of the pistols against my cheek. “Unless you’re looking for another hole in your head.”

“Ooh, what’s this?” the officer said as he looked at my Wirstcomm.

“Oh that? It’s just a microwave oven,” I answered. “It’s harmless, really. I sure do love my Hot Pockets.”

“And do most microwave ovens have harpoon guns attached to them?” the officer sneered at me. At least it seemed kind of like a sneer, he was wearing a mask over his mouth. “Give me that.”

He unhooked it from my arm and tore it away. Inspecting it more closely, he looked it over, finally deciding to try one of the buttons. He was rewarded for his effort with a powerful shock that knocked him to the floor.

“Sorry,” I shrugged. “It’s got an antitheft system on it.”

“Pick that thing up!” the officer ordered one of his troops as he picked himself up. The troop complied and carefully picked it up, holding it with his thumb and forefinger by a strap. “Take these two to Colonel Scar now.”

We were herded into a command center where a jackbooted officer stood over a row of technicians at their stations.

“Well, what do we have here?” he asked as he looked at the two of us.

“We caught them snooping around, Colonel,” the officer said, still rubbing his hand from the shock.

“And who might you two be, eh?” Colonel Scar’s eyebrow lifted just a bit.

“Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI,” Hanson announced.

“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, uh, Intergalactic Gladiator,” I added. “I have to tell you, that’s pretty amazing how your name is Scar and you have a scar. How’d your parents know that was gonna happen? That’s like Lou Gehrig getting Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Seriously, what are the chances of that?”

“Silence!” The Cobra colonel barked. “I will show you what we do to spies like you. Were they alone?”

“As far as we can tell,” the officer acknowledged. “We still haven’t heard back from one of the outside guards though.”

“I don’t think you’re going to hear from him,” Hanson answered. “He took a long trip off a short cliff.”

“Now who’s making the yucks?” I asked. “Though I would’ve attempted to phrase that differently. He might infer that it wasn’t as long of a fall as it actually was.”

“Next time I’ll be sure to consult with you before I make one of these lines,” the FBI agent shot back sarcastically.

“I said silence!” Colonel Scar roared. “I know why you’re here.”

“’Cuz you have donuts on Tuesdays?” I asked.

“Good one,” Hanson laughed. “I would’ve gone with bagels, but I think donuts are more universally funny.”

“That’s what I was going for.”

“I said silence!” Scar’s face flushed with anger. “I know why you’re here. You think this is just a little outpost with a couple troops, maybe you get yourselves a nice easy bust.”

Hanson and I looked at each other quizzically.

“Well you’ll be surprised to learn that this is actually a fully armed and operational airship!” Scar grinned evilly.

“Where have I heard that before?” Hanson rolled her eyes.

The Cobra officer grabbed a microphone sticking out of a console. “Prepare airship for launch!”

The floor beneath us rumbled as we felt it pitch. We endeavored to keep our balance as we felt ourselves being propelled into the air.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Trouble on Rushmore

I was dangling precariously from the side of the mountain with Agent Hanson clutching for dear life to my right hand. An unknown assailant was grinning evilly as he stood over me – stood on my other hand as a matter of fact.

“I’ve just got one thing left to say to you,” he said.

“I’m on Candid Camera?” I asked hopefully.

“All!” He gave my hand a good stomp.

“Hail!” He gave it another.

“Mighty!” He stomped on my hand once again.

“Cobra----?” I caught his last stomp with my right hand.

“I’ve got one last thing to say to you,” I said. “Watch your step.”

I gave his leg a good tug and he tumbled over the ledge, past Hanson who had by that time gained a foothold and was clutching the side of the mountain. We worked ourselves up to the ledge and took a moment to catch our breath.

“That was not fun,” Hanson shook her head. “Remind me to never do this again with you. Ever.”

“Like I said, you gotta watch your step.”

“Heh, yeah,” she replied.

“It’s a real doozy,” I added.

“Uh huh.”

“Though I hope he had a nice trip,” I joked.


“Pride goeth before a fall.”

“Yeah… right…”

“I wonder if he likes the song I’ll Tumble 4 ya.”

“Ugh, I can’t believe you just said that,” Hanson groaned.

“We sure made him the fall guy, huh?” I chuckled.

“Will you shut up already?” Hanson yelled.

“OK OK,” I acquiesced.

“Now what?” she asked.

“I guess we look around for anything unusual,” I shrugged. “We should keep our eyes open for any more guards as well.”

Carefully, we looked around the area. I couldn’t find anything but Hanson did.

“Over here,” she called out to me.

“What is it?” I asked as I trotted over to where she was standing under the giant stone visage of Abraham Lincoln.

“Can you feel this?” she asked.


“Guess the secret base needs fresh air, huh?” she grinned as she indicated to Lincoln’s nose. “It’s coming out of here.”

“Well go ahead and pick,” I replied.


“Pick which nostril. We’re going in.”

“Ew,” she grimaced.

“Aw come on,” I said. “It’s granite. It’s not like we’re going into a real giant nose.”

“Alright,” she said back. “You want to go first, or shall I?”

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Climbing Rushmore

Agent Hanson and I surreptitiously made our way up Mount Rushmore, being careful in our attempt to go unnoticed.

“I don’t know,” Hanson huffed as she clutched the side of the rock. “Do you really think that some evil paramilitary terrorist force has got a hideout right here in one of America’s greatest landmarks?”

“Why not?” I shrugged. “Stranger things have happened. I’d imagine it works great because who’d suspect that anyone would have a base here?”

“I suppose,” she conceded. “Still, it would take a lot of time and manpower to do something like that. You couldn’t just throw it up overnight.”

“Yeah. Maybe this is just another relay or just a small outpost or something,” I guessed.

“We better keep it moving, it’s getting dark,” the agent advised.

“We would have gotten up here a lot quicker if you didn’t have to stop and change your pantsuit,” I replied to her.

“Can’t help it, this is my rock climbing pantsuit.”

“Do you have a pantsuit for every occasion?”

“Basically, yes.”

“Hold it right there you two!” A voice from above us shouted.

We looked up at the man staring down at us.

“Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI,” she instantly attempted to take control of the situation. “Identify yourself.”

“I am the man who is about to make you two very dead,” he countered as he reached inside his coat.

“He’s got a gun!” Hanson exclaimed.

He pulled out what appeared to be an odd looking laser weapon. “Don’t worry, this will all be over in a second.”

I quickly fired a harpoon from my Wristcomm and his gun flew out of his hands and clattered down the slope of the mountain.

“I don’t need that to stop you two meddlers anyway,” he growled as he kicked Hanson in the forehead. She screamed uncharacteristically as she began to tumble off the cliff herself. I quickly reached out and snagged her arm.

“I’ve got you,” I winced as her weight jerked my arm.

“Not for long,” the man chuckled as he stepped on my finger.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Intergalactic Abbreviator

Yeah, I know that this sounds kind of odd that I would want to do this, but it’s just so cool that I have to. Abbreviations (or abrevs) are so awesome because you get to take a word that’s really big and make it a little smaller and yet everyone still digs what you’re saying. Sure, there’s a downside to abrevs, lazy people (ppl) and ppl who are “just too busy” (JTB) use them all the time. When people are using (uzng) UR, do they mean you are or your? There’s a difference (diff) you know. Abrevs are effective (effctv), but they are a powerful tool and the temptation to misuse them is strong, indeed.

Hence Intergalactic Abbreviator (IB). I am going to use all the resources at my disposal to help everyone understand and communicate better utilizing this awesome and cool resource (res) called abrevs.

Just check out some of these cool abrevs:

CFU -----(Bacteria) Colony Forming Unit
BDK -----(Java) Beans Development Kit
SVV -----(Latin
FUD -----"(spreading) Fear, Uncertainty and Disinformation"
BOB -----(Taco Bueno's) Big Ole Burrito
IIE -----"(the) Institution (of) Incorporated Engineers [in electronic, electrical and mechanical engineering] "
OTY -----[the whatever] Of the Year
YXB -----10-Year Commonwealth Treasury Bond
DDQ -----"2,3-Dichloro-5,6-Dicyano-1,4-benzoQuinone [oxidizing agent in organic chemistry]"
TCP -----"2,4,6-Trichlorophenol (disinfectant) "
TDE -----2-dichlorethane (organochlorine insecticide)
MDA -----"3,4-methylenedioxyamphetamine (synthetic hallucinogenic drug)"
QNX -----3-quinuclidinyl-xanthene-9-carboxylate hemioxylate
ABQ -----A Better Quality
PLU -----a code for supermarkets (meaning unknown)
SCB -----a sticker found on a small banana
BNC -----a type of video
AUC -----"ab urbe condita, or anno urbis conditae (Latin: in the year, indicates number of years since founding of Rome) "
YXX -----"Abbotsford, British Columbia"
QUE -----abbrev. for Quebec
ATH -----Abbreviated Trouble History
ABB -----abbreviation
HRV -----abbreviation for Croatia
ANM -----Abbreviation with No Meaning
AAI -----"Abbreviations, Acronyms and Initialisms"
ABD -----abdicated
AXR -----Abdominal X-Ray
AUJ -----Aberdeen University Journal
AZV -----Abfallzweckverband
AYN -----Aboriginal Youth Network
ABT -----About
ABV -----above
AAB -----Above And Beyond
ALQ -----Abraham Lincoln Quarterly
AJM -----Abrasive Jet Machining
AWJ -----Abrasive Water Jet
ABR -----abridged
AJV -----Abrupt Junction Varactor
AWL -----Absent With Leave
ABF -----Absolute Bloody Final (drink)
AOF -----Absolute Open Flow
AQU -----Absolute Quality University
AWT -----Abstract Window Toolkit (java)
AYV -----Abutilon Yellow Virus
AIS -----Academic Instruction School
AYG -----Academic Year Grant
AZG -----Academisch Ziekenhuis Groningen
AGK -----Academy of Goju Karate
AIB -----Academy of International
LFY -----Leafy -----
LPF -----League for Programming Freedom -----
LYI -----League for Yiddish Incorporated -----
LCY -----League of Communists of Yugoslavia -----
LXG -----League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
LWV -----League of Women Voters
LDI -----Leak Detector Indicator
LDE -----Leak-Detection Element
LMY -----Lean Meat Yield
LTY -----Leaning Tower YMCA
LNQ -----Learning Network Queensland
LRC -----Learning Resource Center
LTW -----Learning Through Work
LAL -----Leased Access Line
LVT -----Leasehold Valuation Tribunal
LFU -----Least Frequently Used
LKB -----Leathercraft Knowledge Base
LMA -----Leave Me Alone
LVG -----Leaving
LEW -----Lech-Elektrizitaetswerke
LMZ -----Leder- und Motorradclub Zuerich
LWZ -----Lederwaren Zeitung
LBF -----"Lee Bird Field, North Platte, Nebraska, USA "
LUU -----Leeds University Union
LHR -----Left Hand Rule
LHT -----Left Hand Turn
LLL -----Left Lower Lobe
LLQ -----Left Lower Quadrant (medical abbreviation for area of the abdomen)
LMB -----Left Mouse Button
LTX -----Left Teradyne (at) Xmas
LTR -----Left To Right
LUL -----Left Upper Lobe
LUQ -----Left Upper Quadrant
LVV -----Left Ventricular Volume
LHG -----Left-Hand Grip
LHP -----Left-Handed Pitcher
LBW -----Leg Before Wicket (cricket)
LDM -----Legacy Data Management
LIS -----Legacy Information System
LEG -----Legal
LAB -----Legal Aid Board
LAO -----Legal Assistance Officer
LDK -----Legal Development of Kazakstan
LWI -----Legal Writing Institute
LXS -----Legislative Exhibition Series
LLO -----Legislative Liaison Officer
LYV -----Legume Yellow Virus
LVY -----Lehigh Valley
LSZ -----Lehmann-Symanzik-Zimmerman
LGY -----Lehramt an Gymnasien
LZV -----Lehrkraeftezulagenverordnung
LKN -----Lehrstuhl fuer Kommunikationsnetze
LUR -----Lehrstuhl fuer Umweltverfahrenstechnik und Recycling
LZK -----Lehrzielkatalog
LRZ -----Leibniz Rechenzentrum
LDY -----Leicestershire and Derbyshire Yeomanry
LIY -----Leicestershire Imperial Yeomanry
LAZ -----Leichtathletikzentrum
LJZ -----Leipziger Juedische Zeitung
LQN -----Leistungs- und Qualitaetsnachweise
LUZ -----Leistungspruefung und Zuchtwertschaetzung
LQH -----Leiurus Quinquestriatus Hebraeus
LGK -----Leksell Gamma Knife
LLK -----Lelak
LJQ -----Lemon Juice Quartet
LZH -----Lempel-Ziv-Huffman Algorithm
LZS -----Lempel-Ziv-Stac (compression scheme)
LZW -----Lempel-Ziv-Welch (compression algorithm used in GIF image format)
LLU -----Lending Library Unit
LXH -----Length by Height
LXW -----Length by Width
LQU -----Length of Queue Understood
LMJ -----Leningrad Mathematical Journal
LVK -----Leon Vignetter Kit
LIK -----Lernsystem Informationskompetenz
LZI -----Lernzentrum Informatik
LQS -----Les Quatre Saisons
LTZ -----Less Than Zero
LDA -----Lesson Design Approach
LFR -----Let Freedom Ring
LMG -----Let Me Go
LMK -----Let Me Know
LNL -----Let Nicaragua Live
LGR -----Lethal Ground Range
MGR -----Manager
MBK -----"Managing Business Knowledge, Inc."
MTY -----Managing To Yield
MBS -----Manchester Business School
MCT -----Manchester College of Technology
MGS -----Manchester Grammar School
MCX -----Mandatory Center of Excellence
MPN -----Mandatory Parts Number
MNO -----Manganese Oxide
MJQ -----Manhattan Jazz Quintet
MJS -----Manipulator Jettison System
MAN -----Manitoba
MEN -----Manitoba Eco-Network
MKP -----ManKind Project
MMS -----Man-Made Substance
MLL -----Manned Lunar Landing
MZQ -----Mann-Zeichen-Quotienten
MDV -----Manprint Domain Verification
MNL -----Manual
MJE -----Manual Journal Entry
MRK -----Manual Remote Keying
MXO -----Manually eXtended Operation
MAT -----Manufacture And Test
MUL -----Manufacture Under Licence
MFX -----ManuFactured eXcellence
MVX -----Manufacturers of Vaccines
MWP -----Manufacturer's Wholesale Price
MFT -----manufacturing
MKF -----manufacturing failure
MWQ -----Manufacturing Without Quality
MSF -----"Manufacturing, Science and Finance"
ZUQ -----Manugistics Group Equity Options
MYS -----Man-Year-Space
SAM -----Surface to Air Missiles
SSM -----Surface to Surface Missile
STW -----Surface Transverse Wave
STT -----Surface Tunnel Transistor
SVU -----Surface Vehicle Unit
SMI -----Surveillance Monitoring Inspection
SPY -----Survey of Parents and Youth
SND -----Survivable Network Development
SNT -----Survivable Network Technology
SUS -----Susanna (Apocrypha)
SUU -----Suspension Underwing Unit
SOD -----Sustained Operational Date
SUY -----Suya
SEK -----Svenska Elektriska Kommissionen
SKK -----Svenska Kennelklubben Statens Kaernkraftinspektion
SXK -----Svenska Kryssarklubbens
SKF -----Svenska Kullagerfabriken
SUK -----Svenska Undulat Klubben
SKP -----Sveriges Kommunistiska Parti Statens Kaernkraftinspektion
SOK -----Sveriges Olympiska Kommitte
ZJN -----Swan River (Canada-MN) (location identifier)
SJQ -----Swann Jazz Quartet
SXY -----Swap X and Y Registers
TDY -----Today

Seriously, how awesome (awsm) are those abrevs? Couldn’t you just abrev all day (dy)? I know I could. Ppl uzng abrevs all dy is awsm and effctv. Abrevs r alwys fn and fnny, so gv it a try tdy!