Wednesday, April 30, 2008
“Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, citizens of the free world, I come before you today to make a statement that I did not want to make; one that I hoped that I would not have to make; one that I prayed that I would not make. But it is now time that I make this unfortunate statement.
My vice presidential running mate and one of my best buds, Fluke Starbucker has been a great asset to this campaign and to me for these many months. He is a strong and hardworking man who isn’t afraid to roll up his sleeves and tighten the bolts or loosen the nuts of a moisture vaporator. He’s also not afraid to roll up the same sleeves and tighten the bolts of America’s moisture vaportor. I’m speaking metaphorically here, of course.
Fluke Starbucker is a man who said that he’d stand up for America. The he said that he was ready to sit down and work hard as vice president. He then said that he was ready to stand up and help his fellow man. And then he said that he’s ready to sit down at the table of liberty to drink from a wine glass of justice. Fluke Starbucker was willing to do a lot of sitting and standing for this country, more sitting and standing then an hour long sing-along session of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean.
Well unfortunately, Fluke Starbucker has been lost at sea and is now presumed dead.
Somewhere between flying from the sub-swing states of Alaska and California, Fluke Starbucker’s plane was lost at sea over the Bermuda Triangle. Efforts to find him were made by many global organizations who consider themselves friends of Fluke. Members of International Rescue, Max Ray of the Centurions, Torpedo, Wet Suit, and Shipwreck from G.I.Joe, the crew of the SeaQuest, and even the Submariner and Aquaman all pitched in to help in the search, even though it got rather ugly between the two and wound up degenerating into quite an altercation. I tell you, there were tridents and narwhals flying back and forth with incredible fury.
This search, however, has proven to be fruitless. Fluke Starbucker is now gone and presumed eaten by a shark or perhaps an octopus, maybe even one of the sectopuses that I saw on CNN a couple weeks ago. Was that thing something or what? Wherever Fluke is now, I hope that it is a happier place; full of joy and somewhere where he feels no pain.
Fluke’s parents, Herb and Judy Starbucker of Sheboygan Wisconsin, yes Herb Starbucker the Corn Muffin King of Sheboygan County, have been really strong troughout this ordeal and even now, thousands of Friends of Fluke gather outside their small town home in a candlelight vigil. God bless you Herb and Judy and may the Spores fuse with you always.
Because of these developments and because of the wishes of Fluke himself, I find it my melancholy duty to name his successor as vice president in my campaign for president of these United States. Because we must always look forward and not backwards; upwards not downwards; and inwards before we can see outward, I now select Optimus Prime as my vice presidential running mate. I believe Mr. Prime is standing by at Autobot Headquarters right now at Mount St. Hilary and is ready to make his own statement.
Thank you and good night.”
I stepped off the podium, unable to answer the questions of the reporters shouting. I felt, for the first time, that Fluke Starbucker was really gone. We had been through so much together, Big Brother Naboo, that wild party in Sky City, that other wild party at Sky City. But now he was no longer among us and my thoughts of him seemed to fade fast like one of those pretty girls in a hazy alcohol-induced dream who you’re trying to run towards but it feels like you’re on sand and then she’s gone.
Even more unusual in all this was the absence of Professor Xavier. He’s the one who got this press conference together and yet he too is gone as if it’s slipped his mind or something. That in itself is unusual as you wouldn’t expect the Professor to be the type to let his mind wander.