Monday, April 21, 2008

Trapped on the Cobra Airship -- like a fox!

“Well if you were looking to get the attention of Cobra’s leader, I think you’ve met your goal,” Agent Hanson said. “What are you going to do now?”

“Don’t worry, I’m on it,” I said. I then turned to Colonel Scar, still on the deck clutching his shoulder. “Give me your coat.”

“What?” he sputtered.

“I said give me your coat,” I repeated. “You’re being defrocked.”

Scar stared at me coldly but didn’t move.

“You see, defrocking is a way of saying that someone is being relieved of his or her duty, but a frock is also a coat,” I explained. “It’s like a dual meaning. “

“I get it,” he replied. “I just don’t think it’s very funny.”

With a sigh of exasperation, I tore his coat off and kicked him back to the deck again. I then put the coat on and brushed the upper arms.

“It’s a little snug,” I said. “But it’ll do. Please put Cobra Commander up on the screen.”

“Colonel Scar jussst what do you think you’re…” Cobra Commander’s image paused for a second. “Who are you?”

“I’m Colonel Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and this airship is now under my command,” I answered. “Colonel Scar has been defrocked.”

“He’sss what?” the Commander demanded.

“Defrocked,” I repeated. “Get it? Not only did I relieve him of his command, but I took his coat as well.”

“I get the joke, I just don’t think it’s funny!” he yelled back. “I want that airship back. I paid a lot of good money for that thing and I don’t want you destroying it.”

“Don’t worry, I’m taking good care of it, ooops,” I spilled a technician’s glass of water on his keyboard. Sparks and flew from between the keys as acrid smoke wafted up. “I’m still a little upset that you hired Zartan to kill me and take my place on my presidential campaign.”

“What? That’ssss ridiculousssss!” the terrorist leader hissed back. “That’ss really not my sstyle. I did no such thing, really.”

“And yet that’s what he tried,” I answered.

“Oh well, of course I have Zartan on retainer, but I can’t account for all of his activitiessss,” he shrugged. “He must have taken the job from sssomeone elsssse.”

“What do you think?” I turned to Hanson. “Think he’s being honest?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “It seems like it but it’s not like I have some super power to read heat signatures to tell if someone’s lying or telling the truth.”

“Oh man, that would be a great power,” I said. “All I can do is bark like a dog. Listen to this: Arf arf arf!”

“Hey that does sound like a dog!” she exclaimed. “Can you do a bigger dog?”

“Woof woof woof.”

“That’s good, too,” she laughed. “Very impressive.”

“Yeah, now you see why this guy’s taken,” I said as I licked my fingertips and ran them through my eyebrows.

“Clearly your mate isss one lucky woman,” Cobra Commander said over the comm screen. “But can we get back to the businessss at hand? I want my airship back.”

“Cobra Commander, I am impounding this airship in the name of the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” Hanson announced. “You are hereby charged with conducting terrorist activities on US soil, defiling federal lands, and violating US airspace. Please surrender to the nearest FBI office for processing.”

“I don’t think so,” he replied haughtily. “You may have control of that one room, but there is a hundred Cobras on that ship. Do you think you can arrest them all?”

“Maybe,” I answered. “I hear they Cobras are pretty bad shots.”

“Argh! Shut up you fool!”

“Hit a little too close to home?” Hanson smirked.

“Their ability to hit the target notwithstanding,” Cobra Commander composed himself. “I sstill do not think you’ll be able to fight them all off.”

“Well we’ll just have to give it a try then, huh?” I answered.

“Attention Cobra,” the Commander announced over the ship’s PA system. “An extra 500 gold Cobra Coins to the Viper who destroys those two. Cobraaaaaa!”

“Oh man, we can’t fight through them all,” I conceded.

“That’sss more like it,” he replied with a hiss. “Surrender and you may live.”

“Nope,” I shook my head. “I’ll just do this instead.”

I pulled out Betsy and shot a console.

“You fool! What are you doing?” Cobra Commander yelled.

I answered by shooting another control panel.


Nepharia said...

Shooting consoles is always so's even better to laze them :D

captain koma said...


Han Solo started something wonderful when he shot that console in the first star wars movie.

Spoiler said...

I guess Dog barking is a superpower, in the same way Super Ventriquisim is.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh man, if I had super dog barking ventroloquism, that would be awesome!

mwb said...

So when do you seduce the Baroness?

An infiltration of the enemy base is nothing without the seducing female bad.

Mr. Bennet said...

Agent Hanson could probably use a good defrocking.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It always solves a problem by shooting a control panel.

Vegeta said...

i think Cobra Commander is surprised somone actually hit what they are aiming at.

Anonymous said...

Jon did you consider the fact you are on an air ship and shot the controls?

Have you heard of sir Isaac Newton?

He has this theory see...

Justice said...

hey I thought it was funny maybe you should shoot the Cobra Commander

Dr. Zaius said...

I was sure that the dog barking super power was going to be used to win the day in some way... Perhaps in the next episode. Can you defrock a dog? It does have a coat... Hmm...