Monday, June 30, 2008


Who's the intergalactic man
That'll lead the country like only he can?
You're damn right

Who is the man
That would risk his neck for his brother man?
Can ya dig it?

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about
Right on

You see this cat Jon is a bad mother--
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Jon
(Then we can dig it)

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but his woman
(Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator)

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.
I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, Part the Fifth, the Grande Finale!

Hey everyone, time for the very last entry in the Summer of iDoodles. I promised you the greatest iDoodle of them all, but before we get to that I have a couple others that I wanted to share.

Requested by Kon-El, he and Robin winning the tag team championship. Nice short shorts there, Superboy!

Professor Xavier wanted to see Godzilla on top of the Empire State Building smoking a big fat dube. Hey Prof, what are you smoking?

And now, for the greatest iDoodle of them all, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator swearing in as your next president of the United States!

Hey, this has been a great week. I'll tell you what, I'm having so much fun doing this that I just can't stop. Making iDoodles is just like eatin' potato chips (or smoking crack, I suppose) that I want to keep on going. So here's what I'll do, over the weekend as I get suggestions from all of you Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators out there, I'll start adding them into this post as updates.

UPDATE! (See?) Dr. Zaius wants to see Sugar Bear being audited by the IRS, with chocolate cake and explosives being involved. There you go.

Panthergirl wants to see Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Fembots. My money's on the redhead.

Sarch wants to see Wall-E taking it to R2D2. Go get 'em Wall-E!

OK, I have time for two more as I am a busy, busy Intergalactic Gladiator.

Frieda Bee wants to see the Wonder Twins fighting the undead as a polar bear and sleet.
And my daughter Kiera wants to see a princess. Yes, she gets the last one 'cuz she's my princess.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, Part Four in 4D!

You can't stop it now! It's like some sort of large, unstoppable vehicle that is possibly used for war that crushes everything it its path.

Suggested by Captain Picard, the Borg Queen singing Cabaret while David Hasslehoff, fresh off his judging stint with America's Got Talent, shows his approval.

Suggested by MWB, Dr. Zaius feeling the effects of a lightning strike on his computer. Yes I know that kind of looks like the Lion King, but that's Dr. Zaius, honest to gosh.

Dr. Zaius wanted to see Frankenstein engaged in a Lightsaber duel with Britany Spears on a gondola and singing "Oh solo mio!" Personally, I would have had him say "Singer, bad!"

And suggested by Professor Xavier, Vampirella and the Black Cat in a mud wrestling match.

Coming tomorrow, the greatest iDoodle of them all!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, Number Three!

Here we go, everyone. iDoodles suggested by you!

Professor X on the losing end of a banana crème pie, suggested by Vegeta.

Chroma punching Henchy, suggested by Captain Koma.

Vegeta with a haircut, suggested by Professor X.

Keep those cards and letters coming, everyone!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Summer of iDoodles, Part Deux!

Here we go, Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators!

Dr. Zaius wanted to see Sleestak and I fighting over the last slice of pizza. The pepperonis are terrified as you can tell because they're saying "oh nos!"

As a very special bonus, here's Grand Admiral Thrawn deciphering my work, suggested by Merlyn.

OK, everyone, time for round two and none of this "first poster with a suggestion" stuff. Any commenter with an idea gets one. Keep it reasonable everyone, I'm not going to be drawing pictures of vaginas with teeth, I have plenty of those already.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Summer of iDoodles!

You got it, all this week I will be drawing for you, my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators, iDoodles of all shapes and sizes. Well, almost all shapes and sizes. You catch my drift.

First person to comment gets his or her doodle doodles.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Separated at Birth VI: These Separate Times Call for Separate Measures

Encarta Dictionary defines separated as “moved apart so as not to be touching or connected, not together, or not in the same place” and birth as “the emergence of the young of a human or animal from the mother's womb into the outside world.” In this series, Separated at Birth, we hope to bring together peoples of all intergalactic origins to sit down and look at who or what is Separated at Birth. We hope to educate as well as entertain and if we’ve accomplished just a little bit of each, then our mission is accomplished.

So sit back and enjoy as I rev up the super powered super computer to bring you this, the next installment of the award winning Separated at Birth.

Hold on, the computer’s not responding.

Let’s see, control, alt, delete…

No response, hmmm.

Oh wait, I forgot to turn on the monitor, how silly of me.

Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan and the Blue Men from the Blue Man Group are Separated at Birth! See utilizing a highly advanced program, the super computer was able to compare the characteristics of these two candidates such as blue skin and lack of hair to determine that they were Separated at Birth.

Eric Clapton and Admiral Adama are Separated at Birth! Who could have ever imagined that Slow Hand and the Old Man were Separated at Birth? Why the supercomputer could, that’s who.

Captain Jack Harkness and Tom Cruise are Separated at Birth! They have so much in common, one’s a pansexual hunk who can never die and the other’s a ambiguously gay Hollywood star who just won’t stop.

Joey Greico, the host of Cheaters, and this giant hammer are Separated at Birth! Wait a minute, this doesn’t make sense, they’re not Separated at Birth at all. Oh, I get it, they’re both huge tools. Oh you wacky supercomputer with your wacky sense of humor!

Wall-E and Number 5 are Separated at Birth! Congratulations Disney, you’re ripping off a movie from 20 years ago. If you’re going to rip off a Steve Guttenberg movie, why oh why can’t it be Police Academy 3 Back in Training?

Are you ready for the final Separated at Birth of the evening (or morning, I suppose). This one will make you gasp, make you shudder, and make you cry that can barely take any more.

Nancy Grace and Porn Face Invisible Girl are Separated at Birth! What’s more obnoxious, Nancy Grace’s big mouth always yapping with it’s crazy talk or Greg Land’s unique ability to scan a picture from his favorite porno mag, photoshop it and drop it into every comic that he draws?

Well as I can see by the flashing cursor (using super advanced electrons!) that this is all the time we have for Separated at Birth today, but before you go, the supercomputer says that it has one more incredible supercalculation for you today.

“The secret ingredient is love?”

What the hell kind of a supercalculation is that?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

What's New, America?

What's new America? Woah, Woah
What's new America? Woah, Woah
America, America
I've got flowers
And lots of hours
To spend with you.
So go and powder your cute little America nose!
America, America
I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your America nose!

What's new America? Woah, Woah
What's new America? Woah, Woah
America, America
You're so thrilling
And I'm so willing
To care for you.
So go and make up your cute little America face!
America, America
I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your America face!

What's new America? Woah, Woah
What's new America? Woah, Woah
America, America
You're delicious
And if my wishes
Can all come true
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little America lips!
America, America
I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your America lips!
You and your America eyes!
You and your America nose!

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.
I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Intergalactic Update!

Are you watching Last Gladiator Standing III? Of course you are, it's the greatest sensation to sweep the INTERgalactic Network of Electronic Transmissions since Last Gladiator Standing II.

And though I am the host and unable to win the competition, that didn't stop me from participating in the Kobayashi Maru Sceneraio. SPOILER ALERT! And I kicked butt!

Take a look at this excerpt:

“I mean, am I right people?” I continued. “Charging weapons is their response.”

“Jon,” Hudson tried to get my attention.

Suddenly the ship was rocked as disrupter fire blasted the hull. I was thrown practically off my feet as the ship lurched and wiring dropped out of the ceiling.

“Somebody take care of that,” I said. “But first, somebody get me full shields.”

“I’m givin’ ‘er all she’s got, Captain, she canna take no morrrrrre,” the engineer said in his wildly inconsistent brogue.

“What’s your name?” I asked him.

“Chief Engineer Montgomery Suk,” he replied.

“OK, Sukky, just do the best you can,” I said.

“They’re coming after us and they’re gonna kill us!” Hudson cried.

“OK, prepare ship for the Picard Manuver,” I said as I tugged on the base of my Captain’s tunic. “These coordinates. Engage!”

The ship leapt into warp speed and instantly leaped out of it behind the Klingon ships. The stunt made it look briefly as if there were two starships instead of just one. Don’t ask me how it works, that’s just what the script says.

“Fire to disable!” I commanded. “Fire!”

Phasers and photon torpedoes shot out of the ship and crippled two of my adversaries. The engines gave out and the shields dropped on the flanking ships, but the lead avoided our onslaught.

“Prepare the Omega 13,” I ordered.

“Not the Omega 13, mon!” Sukky cried.

“Captain, using the Omega 13 is dangerous at best,” Sprok interjected. “That device may destroy us all and possibly take the universe with it. Destroying the universe is most illogical.”

“I don’t need a lecture,” I growled back. “This isn’t Omega 13 101 and you aren’t Professor Sprok.”

“Actually, I do hold a position at the Yugopotomia Academy of Laser Engineering.”

“Damn you Yalies,” I growled again. “Just do it.”

What happens next? Find out here!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Press Conference

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming tonight. I just wanted to take this opportunity to explain my actions of the past few weeks and to clear up the situation and prove my innocence in this whole Emma Frost scandal, or Emmagate as you have been calling it.

“As you can see by the chart that I had specially created for this conference, the warlord from the future Kang the Conqueror hired both Zartan, the Master of Disguise, as well as Mystique, the shape changing mutant, to pose as myself and Emma for the photographs. To add an element of authenticity, he told neither one that he was hiring the other.

“After working with my campaign manager, Professor Xavier to question the actual Emma Frost, we investigated Mystique’s hideout where I uncovered the plot, though I was bushwhacked by Zartan and Mystique in the process. I escaped that trap and worked my way towards Washington DC where I defeated Zartan’s goons, the Dreadnoks. I then hooked up with Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI and followed the signal sent by the Dreadnoks to a secret Cobra base at Mount Rushmore, Agent Hanson and I defeated the terrorists there and brought down their giant, expensive warship.

“After my last news conference, I was attacked by Kang himself who admitted to the plan as he attempted to kill me and take my place. I beat him and he fell to his death (I presume) off the Statue of Liberty.

“Unfortunately, this was the point where my arch-nemesis Dr. Nemonok kidnapped Professor Xavier’s brain and flew out towards Pluto in his spaceship. I quickly tracked him down with the aid of the X-Men and Captain Koma, saved Xavier’s brain, and destroyed Nemonok’s ship with him in it. And basically that leads us to here.”

(I looked out at the reporters who were staring wordlessly at me)

“OK, to sum it up here, the plan was from Kang, he hired Zartan and Mystique, I beat them, beat Kang, saved Xavier’s brain, and now I’m here. And of story, end of Emmagate. Any questions.?”

(The reporters started yelling and raising their hands all at once)

“Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel and this is my question: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, do you expect us to believe that all of this actually happened? Doesn’t this sound a little farfetched to believe?”

“I admit it does sound pretty crazy, but that’s what happened. See? Look at the chart.”

“I’m Ted Koppel and this is my follow up: you say Kang attacked you but you beat him, how do we know that you’re not really Kang?”

“Well, I know things that only I would know, like uh, my shoe size is 11 or that I got stitches right here on my chin because I fell on a nightstand as a child.”

“Gee that’s a swell story, mister, can I take a picture?”

“Sure, thank you.”

“Clark Kent, Daily Planet, While I certainly believe you when you say you’re you, and from what I see you’re heartbeat, blood pressure, and fingerprints clearly support that as evidence, do you still think that you can shake this scandal and get your campaign back on track?”

“I certainly think so. I think the American people are too smart to fall for some elaborate, Machiavellian scheme conjured up by some evil warlord from the future.”

“Flint Blasterly, Faux News Network. What do you think about the fact that most of the reporters here seem to be behaving like some sort of caricature? Do you think we really behave like this? Or are you trying for some easy joke?”

“No no, of course you’re not all a bunch of one-note characters. Isn’t that right, Dan Rather?”

“Jon, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when the three-legged mule beats you in an ass kicking contest, you better close the barn door and take the buttermilk home for the night.”

“See? Any other questions?”

“While pig’s in the poke and it’s second and short and we’re on the subject of accusations, what do you say about the recent rumors floating around that you’ve actually decided to campaign for president because you don’t like monkeys?”

“Well, I’ve got nothing against monkeys, really. I’d like to think that I’d make a better president than a monkey, though.”

“I think you’ve been reading too many funny books, Mr. Intergalactic Gladiator.”

“Thank you, do you have a question?”

“Yes I do, I’m starting to think that you don’t hate monkeys, I think you like them. I mean like like them. I think you’re guilty of monkeylove and should fry.”

“Heh heh, that’s absurd. I mean, sure I like monkeys just as I like any other creature of nature from the butterfly to the cheetah. I don’t harbor any unusual feelings for the ape family in particular, though.”

“You know what it sounds like to me? It seems like there’s some incident in your life and you’re telling everyone about it but you’re telling it differently than how it really happened. What does it feel like to be doing that?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. Next question?”

“What about the fact that you had a monkeyboy for a sidekick?”

“A monkey and a monkeyboy are two very different things. Monkeys are from Earth and are genetically very similar to us. Monkeyboys are from the planet Monkekbok, they have a vaguely defined morphing ability and are known throughout the universe for their annoying characteristics and abilities, and who knows what’s up with their genes. I was forced to have a monkeyboy for a sidekick once, I don’t like monkeyboys, and the relationship ended when the monkeyboy’s face was disintegrated.”

“What about the rumors that your relationship with the monkeyboy was more than that?”

“This is the first I’ve heard of that.”

“There’s been rumors floating around that your relationship with the monkeyboy was in fact a more casual one. Care to comment on that?”

“That’s pretty ridiculous. I didn’t like the monkeyboy, I didn’t socialize with him, I didn’t see him or any other monkeyboy outside of work, I don’t like monkeyboys. That’s my relationship with the monkeyboy.”

“So you say that you don’t fraternize with monkeyboys?”

“That’s what I’m saying. These rumors are ridiculous and if you think you can find evidence to the contrary, I’ll be very surprised.”

“So you’re saying that all these rumors are completely untrue?”

“That’s right. If you think you can uncover anything to the contrary, go ahead. I’m serious. If anyone thinks they can find anything on me, go ahead. I think you’ll be pretty bored looking.”