Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Press Conference

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming tonight. I just wanted to take this opportunity to explain my actions of the past few weeks and to clear up the situation and prove my innocence in this whole Emma Frost scandal, or Emmagate as you have been calling it.

“As you can see by the chart that I had specially created for this conference, the warlord from the future Kang the Conqueror hired both Zartan, the Master of Disguise, as well as Mystique, the shape changing mutant, to pose as myself and Emma for the photographs. To add an element of authenticity, he told neither one that he was hiring the other.

“After working with my campaign manager, Professor Xavier to question the actual Emma Frost, we investigated Mystique’s hideout where I uncovered the plot, though I was bushwhacked by Zartan and Mystique in the process. I escaped that trap and worked my way towards Washington DC where I defeated Zartan’s goons, the Dreadnoks. I then hooked up with Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI and followed the signal sent by the Dreadnoks to a secret Cobra base at Mount Rushmore, Agent Hanson and I defeated the terrorists there and brought down their giant, expensive warship.

“After my last news conference, I was attacked by Kang himself who admitted to the plan as he attempted to kill me and take my place. I beat him and he fell to his death (I presume) off the Statue of Liberty.

“Unfortunately, this was the point where my arch-nemesis Dr. Nemonok kidnapped Professor Xavier’s brain and flew out towards Pluto in his spaceship. I quickly tracked him down with the aid of the X-Men and Captain Koma, saved Xavier’s brain, and destroyed Nemonok’s ship with him in it. And basically that leads us to here.”

(I looked out at the reporters who were staring wordlessly at me)

“OK, to sum it up here, the plan was from Kang, he hired Zartan and Mystique, I beat them, beat Kang, saved Xavier’s brain, and now I’m here. And of story, end of Emmagate. Any questions.?”

(The reporters started yelling and raising their hands all at once)

“Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel and this is my question: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, do you expect us to believe that all of this actually happened? Doesn’t this sound a little farfetched to believe?”

“I admit it does sound pretty crazy, but that’s what happened. See? Look at the chart.”

“I’m Ted Koppel and this is my follow up: you say Kang attacked you but you beat him, how do we know that you’re not really Kang?”

“Well, I know things that only I would know, like uh, my shoe size is 11 or that I got stitches right here on my chin because I fell on a nightstand as a child.”

“Gee that’s a swell story, mister, can I take a picture?”

“Sure, thank you.”

“Clark Kent, Daily Planet, While I certainly believe you when you say you’re you, and from what I see you’re heartbeat, blood pressure, and fingerprints clearly support that as evidence, do you still think that you can shake this scandal and get your campaign back on track?”

“I certainly think so. I think the American people are too smart to fall for some elaborate, Machiavellian scheme conjured up by some evil warlord from the future.”

“Flint Blasterly, Faux News Network. What do you think about the fact that most of the reporters here seem to be behaving like some sort of caricature? Do you think we really behave like this? Or are you trying for some easy joke?”

“No no, of course you’re not all a bunch of one-note characters. Isn’t that right, Dan Rather?”

“Jon, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when the three-legged mule beats you in an ass kicking contest, you better close the barn door and take the buttermilk home for the night.”

“See? Any other questions?”

“While pig’s in the poke and it’s second and short and we’re on the subject of accusations, what do you say about the recent rumors floating around that you’ve actually decided to campaign for president because you don’t like monkeys?”

“Well, I’ve got nothing against monkeys, really. I’d like to think that I’d make a better president than a monkey, though.”

“I think you’ve been reading too many funny books, Mr. Intergalactic Gladiator.”

“Thank you, do you have a question?”

“Yes I do, I’m starting to think that you don’t hate monkeys, I think you like them. I mean like like them. I think you’re guilty of monkeylove and should fry.”

“Heh heh, that’s absurd. I mean, sure I like monkeys just as I like any other creature of nature from the butterfly to the cheetah. I don’t harbor any unusual feelings for the ape family in particular, though.”

“You know what it sounds like to me? It seems like there’s some incident in your life and you’re telling everyone about it but you’re telling it differently than how it really happened. What does it feel like to be doing that?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. Next question?”

“What about the fact that you had a monkeyboy for a sidekick?”

“A monkey and a monkeyboy are two very different things. Monkeys are from Earth and are genetically very similar to us. Monkeyboys are from the planet Monkekbok, they have a vaguely defined morphing ability and are known throughout the universe for their annoying characteristics and abilities, and who knows what’s up with their genes. I was forced to have a monkeyboy for a sidekick once, I don’t like monkeyboys, and the relationship ended when the monkeyboy’s face was disintegrated.”

“What about the rumors that your relationship with the monkeyboy was more than that?”

“This is the first I’ve heard of that.”

“There’s been rumors floating around that your relationship with the monkeyboy was in fact a more casual one. Care to comment on that?”

“That’s pretty ridiculous. I didn’t like the monkeyboy, I didn’t socialize with him, I didn’t see him or any other monkeyboy outside of work, I don’t like monkeyboys. That’s my relationship with the monkeyboy.”

“So you say that you don’t fraternize with monkeyboys?”

“That’s what I’m saying. These rumors are ridiculous and if you think you can find evidence to the contrary, I’ll be very surprised.”

“So you’re saying that all these rumors are completely untrue?”

“That’s right. If you think you can uncover anything to the contrary, go ahead. I’m serious. If anyone thinks they can find anything on me, go ahead. I think you’ll be pretty bored looking.”


Jean-Luc Picard said...

That was some pretty intensive querstioning!

Nepharia said...

Even though it may/will blow over, it's something that will haunt you for the rest of your career.

Mirai Trunks said...

Maybe I'll get back to that time period in order to vote

mwb said...

Stop arguing with the press Jon, they tell us they are always right!

Dr. Zaius said...

This is the first that I have heard of the Monkeyboy scandal. Are you now, or have you ever been...?