Wednesday, December 14, 2005

My trip to Sunnydale

The Danger Sled roared over the sky. It's contents: Private Hudson and I. The mission: To talk to the famed Chosen One, the Vampire Slayer.

"Yeah, she and I used to date," Hudson said. "We should go talk to her about the vampires. She'll know what to do."

The ship approached Sunnydale, or at least what once was Sunnydale. There was nothing but a huge hole in the ground where the California city once stood. Funny, I don't recall hearing anything about this on the news.

I circled the site and landed the craft behind a convenience store at the lip of the depression. We exited the ship and I peered over the edge.

"And this Vampire Slayer will be here?" I asked.

"She should be," answered Hudson. "This is where she lived."

"Did you tell her we were coming?"

"Well...., not exactly," Hudson said. "We didn't exactly end the relationship on a good note."

I looked at him. "What do you mean you didn't end the relationship on a good note?"

"He means he puked under my bed and then took off," came a voice.

I looked at the owner of the voice. She was in her early twenties and didn't physically appear that imposing. The way she carried herself, however, was a different story. She had a demeanor that said that she's seen and fought it all -- vampires, werewolves, demons, cyborgs. You name it and she's seen it, fought it, and beaten it.

"Well, we were sparring," Hudson tried to explain.

"In her bedroom?" I asked.

"One little punch in the stomach and you fold like a house of cards!" Buffy's eyes pierced Hudson's chest. "One punch! Then he got up and ran out the door!"

"Look," he tried to explain. "I got paged. I had to go, there were Xenomorphs to fight on Asteroid X."

"You ran off and you never called," huffed Buffy. "I should stab you right now."

"Oh man."

"Wait wait wait" I came between the two. "Before you kill him or this degenerates into a bad episode of Degrassi Junior High, could I tell you what's going on? I was hoping that you could help me out."

She looked at me. "What is it?"

"A short while ago," I began. "I received a letter from a Count. This Count declared that he would hunt me and destroy me. Lower level vampires have been attacking me since."

Buffy's eyebrows furled. "Hmmmm. Well, it would seem that this Count is a vampire and he's sending his minions to wear you down before he strikes."

"That's what I've gathered," I answered. "What I'm trying to find is--"

"What you will find is your death!" came another voice from the shadows.

A vampire quickly flew at us and shoved Buffy into Hudson. As they tumbled to the ground, the creature tore after me.

The glass of store window shattered with the impact and we flew through it and crashed to the linoleum-lined concrete of the store floor. The store clerk yelped and dove behind the counter as the vampire's teeth glistened as he prepared to plunge them deep into my neck.

Quickly, I flipped him over me (most improved wrestler my senior year in high school) and sent him flying into a display of snacks. I quickly snapped to my feet and desperately looked for anything as a weapon. There was no wood in sight, only the veneer of the countertops.

The vampire dove at me and slammed into the milk case as I dove further down the aisle. I reached into the case next to me and pulled out a can of beer. As the vampire rose to his full height to grab at me, I heaved the can of beer straight through his chest and out his back. He howled and crumbled to dust.

Buffy and Hudson came running through the door in time to see the vampire's death.

"How did you do that?" Buffy asked.

I held up the can so they could see it.

"Coors Light," I said. "The Silver Bullet."


flu said...

So, the vampire with the suntan died from a silver bullet to the heart?

I thought that was a werewolf remedy.

Either way, that was a heckuva throw!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Because of the purity of silver, it also works on vampires. Go ahead, Google it, I dares yah.

And how does a vampire get leathery tanned skin anyways?

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Wow, I'm smart! I'm impressed that a convenience store on the edge of crater that was once a city would be, you know, still in business.
Good job getting rid of your nemisis. Time to get Hudson some judo lessons, though.
Umm, and as for leathery skin, fake and bake tanning salons? Too much spray on self tanner?

Professor Xavier said...

I thought there was a study recently that concluded a can of beer a day was actually good for your heart. I guess science is bunk.

Anonymous said...

If you are not around any beer, you can always use a twinkie, that stuff in the middle will kill anything.

Lori said...

"Coors light----The Silver Bullet"

That's pretty funny....I'm still laughing!!!

Have a great day!!!!