Don't eat dinner with a Valdorian

Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm is one of my best friends in the Intergalactic Gladitorial ranks. He's a strong competitor, a powerful ally, and an incredible being to meet. He has a cortex full of stories about his travels and he knows his way around the galaxy like few others.

Yet, I wouldn't wish his cooking on my worst enemy.

"Come for dinner, Jon, yes?" he says. "I will make you good Earth food dinner! You will love it."

"I don't know, Starkey," I reply, worried about what I could be getting myself into. "I should really be getting home, my wife will be expecting me..."

"Nonsense, you can come to my place for dinner and still make the 10:38 FTS Transit back home. I insist."

And with that I felt that I could hardly say no. It's hard making true friends in a galaxy of strangers. On top of that, I am the only human that I know outside of the Sol system. You can't just go up to someone and say "Hey, nice pseudopods."

"I use your Interneted transmission sites to find good recipes," Starkey adds. "I know what you will like and love."

His place is but a quick Turbo Tube ride away, which gives me a little time to contemplate my fate. We get into his quarters and he goes to the Food Storage Unit (Cold) and pulls out a beer. I am more than a little shocked, it's actual Earth beer! "Now according to their high frequency transmissions, drinking this beer makes a good big party, please don't conga into my pool."

I have to figure out if he is kidding or serious and I manage a weak chuckle.

"Ha ha ha! I kid you good, yes?" His booming laughter resonates throughout his quarters. I laugh along with him as he ushers me to his dining area and runs back into his kitchen. He quickly returns with something that I cannot recognize and I take a huge gulp of my Earth beer.

"Cod and banana casserole!" he roars proudly. "Fish is good for Earthman brain and banana has more potassium than Manganese Pickrat." I'll have to take his word on the latter and I choke down several bites while going through several beers.

"Finished, yes?" He says. "Dessert, yes?" he adds, and disappears back into his kitchen again, reappearing with a huge, dark mound on a plate. "You will like calimari bundt cake, it has chocolate and according to their website, 'Everything is better with chocolate!'" He cuts me a slice and plops a dollop of sour cream on it. "good, yes?"

"Mmmph," I reply. I get the bite down. "Could I have another beer, please?"

A couple hours later I am on the FTS heading home, queasy from my ordeal.

I make it home OK and crash into bed, barely able to kiss my wife hello.

Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm is one of my best friends in the Intergalactic Gladitorial ranks, but his species has an odd idea of what is and is not good to eat. I've said it before and I'll say it again, don't eat dinner with a Valdorian.