Friday, June 17, 2005

Fightin' tips from Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator

A lot of people ask me for fighting tips. Everyone is coming up to me and saying "Say, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, you are pretty successful at your craft. How do you keep winning all the time against such powerful adversaries?"

Yeah, I know, I don't always win, but it's nice that the fans are really behind me. So for you, my fans, I would like reveal some of my trade secrets. In general, you have to be able to switch styles -- if something doesn't work, try something else. You have to be smart, too, figure out your opponent's weakness and take advantage of it! Here are some of the things that you can do if you're facing specific types of combatants.

Psychlos -- Psychlos are jerks and bullies. What do you expect of a race that named themselves "Psychlos?" I suggest kicking them low, they'll collapse like your proverbial house of cards, then keep kicking them when they're down. Nuke their planet if you have the chance, the nuclear explosion will ignite their atmosphere.

Daleks -- Their weapons are pretty tough, when they fire them it looks like Uncle Ralph hit the "negative" button on his camcorder and everyone falls down. You have to get behind them and knock them over. Disable the gun stalk and the Dalek won't stand a chance.

Predator -- These guys are fairly tough, but without their shoulder lasers, invisible suits, and booby-trapped gauntlets, you could probably take one. Remember, they see in infrared, so hide in a giant wall of mud if you can.

Storm Troopers -- It's a scientifically proven fact that Storm Troopers can't hit the side of a barn with a mop. As long as he's got a rifle, you're golden.

Pigs In Space -- Pigs In Space are a tough, tenacious, and brutal breed of combatants. Fortunately, they cannot resist a bad pun or a terrible joke. Just wait for them to start yucking it up and WHAMMO!

??? -- I have no idea what this thing is, you're on your own, dude.


Aayla Secura said...

This information looks quite useful...but wouldn't the technique used to defeat a Psychlos work on any male without armor?

j00|{z said...

Thanks, Jon. Now I know what to do next time I see a pig in space. The last one looked like a clown crossed with a caterpillar. My guess is you pesticidefy it!

I was looking at the stormtrooper.

JawaJuice said...

Great tips! The moment I sprout up 4 feet and don't weigh less than a Hostess fruit pie, I might give them a try.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Aayla, you are correct. Though normally my sense of sportsmanship and fair play would preclude me from kicking an opponents in the crotch, I would definitely make an exception for a Psychlo.

Wookiehobbit, I think you are onto something. I'll get my atomizer and fill it with Raid.

Jawajuice, I suggest you start around your relative size. Fight Orko or a squirrel and work your way up.

Anonymous said...

Il semble que vous soyez un expert dans ce domaine, vos remarques sont tres interessantes, merci.

- Daniel

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