Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed colleagues, loyal supporters, members of the press. I stand before you today with a very important message to everyone.

In these difficult times, symbols become an important part of defining who we are. For instance, the American flag lapel pin. Many proud citizens of the United States do not wear an American flag lapel pin, but often when one is under the scrutiny of the public eye it becomes clear that people look for these images to portray strong character and a sense of patriotism.

Now I would hardly think that my patriotism would ever come into question. I love my country. I have proudly served in the armed forces and was a key component in the alternate reserve backup backup plan for the ground campaign of Operation Desert Storm. Additionally, I was in the front charge in 1991’s Operation Dessert Storm and was personally responsible for securing several crates of baklava as well as two bunkers containing high levels of tiramisu.

I would hardly think that my patriotism would come into question and yet it has. There are questions being asked right now whether or not I am fit to lead this country because I did not wear a lapel pin to a recent beach party. I would like to assure you all right here and now that the fact that I did or did not wear a lapel pin should not be the one sole factor in judging whether or not I have the competence necessary be the president of the United States. There are many, many other factors that should be used to judge my competence.

Despite that, I find it necessary to wear a lapel pin at this time.


Am I caving to pressure? I am not, I already own this lapel pin and I would wear it anyway. It’s not like I went to some specialty American Flag lapel pin shop located near Kostner and Belmont and asked for one that was slightly larger than the flags worn by my esteemed opposition.


“But Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” you might say. “That American flag lapel pin certainly looks big but I think I’ve seen bigger. A real American would wear a bigger American flag lapel pin.” Well you may be right; you may be wrong. Who’s to say? All I can say is, well I just happen to have a slightly larger lapel pin that I could wear as well.


But then you might say “But Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, I’ve seen some of the people you’re running against and I think one of them have an American flag lapel pin about that size as well.” Well maybe they do and maybe they don’t, but I’ll betcha they don’t have one this size.


But then you might think that maybe, just maybe someone has an American flag lapel pin this size as well. Well let me assure you that I will not be outdone. Like Casey Jones or John Henry or Norton P. Bismarck, I am not going to let one little bump in the road dissolve my resolve. That’s why I have this American flag lapel pin.


Does size matter? In some instances, yes it does.

Thank you and good night.