Monday, July 03, 2006

Superman's Press Conference

I got a call that Superman was holding a press conference. Quickly, I flew to Metroplois to attend. Of course, I flew in the Danger Sled, I can’t fly under my own power like Superman can.

I got there just as it was beginning. The Last Son of Krypton was giving his opening statement.

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“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “Thank you all for coming. I have a few things that I would like to say then I will answer your questions.”

“First, I just want to say that while most of my time here among the people of Earth has been a real pleasure, there have been a few exceptions. To those people, be you a criminal scientist, a cyborg with a Kryptonite heart, or a super-intelligent ape, whatever you are, I will not rest until you are all behind bars. Permanently.

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“Second, I just wanted to just give a piece of advice to all the research labs and science facilities. Could you please keep your armored suits, beam weapons, unique isotopes, and experimental technologies under better control? I understand that if a super powered villain breaks in, you can’t do much to stop him, but if Joe Nobody has a chip on his shoulder, why should he have easy access to an atomic-powered exoskeleton that fires Kryptonite beams? Why even make that? Come on, everybody knows that’s my weakness.”

“Third, speaking of Kryptonite, let this be a warning to everyone out there who wants to sneak up to me with Kryptonite hidden in a lead box. I know it’s in there, even if I can’t see it. That’s been done a million times already, it’s played out, it won’t work. Give it up. OK, are there any questions? Yes?”

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A reporter stood up. “Superman, I understand that Kryptonite is your only weakness, why is there so much of it on Earth? I mean, if Krypton exploded, that stuff should be everywhere, not just concentrated on our planet.”

“That’s true,” Superman answered. “Evidently, a lot of it landed in a small town in Kansas. That’s where a lot of these evildoers seem to be getting it.”

“Could you tell us where in Kansas?” the reporter followed up.

“No. Next question.”

“Superman,” another reporter stood up. “You say that Kryptonite is your only weakness, but what about magic? That seems to affect you as well.”

“Well of course,” Superman said. “You’re affected by magic, I’m affected by magic. We’re all vulnerable to it. The same spell that would affect you would affect me as well. I would rather not comment on this any further, thank you. Next question.”

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“Could you tell us more about your relationship with Clark Kent?” another reporter asked.

“What do you mean, relationship?” Superman asked.

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“You know,” the reporter continued. “You and Kent seem to be pretty close. A little too close if you ask me.”

“I… I’m uh, not sure where you are going with this.” Superman looked a little uncomfortable at the question.

“You know, Superman,” the reporter pushed. “The fact that Kent always gets the scoops on you, the fact that you’ve been seen flying out of his luxurious metropolitan high rise, the fact that you both hang out with all the same people. Face it Superman, you and Kent are a lot closer than just casual acquaintances.”

“I, er, uh, am not exactly sure what you’re trying to say here,” Superman stammered.

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“Come on, fess up, Superman,” the reporter pressed. “You and Kent are an item, aren’t you?”


“It all makes sense,” the reporter continued. “You’re good looking and in shape, wearing those tight and colorful clothes all around town. Kent’s from a small, conservative town in the Midwest, a place where he didn’t really fit in. It makes sense, you’re a couple.”

“Ah, well let me assure you that Clark Kent and I are very close,” Superman chuckled. “But not that close. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… Kent and I have a good friendship and I do give him a few exclusives here and there for the Daily Planet, but that’s as far as that goes. In fact, Clark is married to Lois Lane—”

“So how come you’re always flying her around town, then?” the reporter followed up.

“Well, as an investigative reporter, she does get herself in a lot of trouble,” Superman answered. “Next question.”

“Who’d win in a fight,” a reporter asked. “You or Captain Marvel?”

“Which Captain Marvel?”

“The one with the red outfit and big yellow lightning bolt,” the reporter elaborated.

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“Ah, well,” Superman searched for what to say. “We try not to fight each other; we’re on the same team.”

“But if you had to. Like say, an evil alien will destroy Earth unless you two fight.”

“Are either of us under control of the alien?” Superman asked.


“Are either of our powers being reduced by a ray or anything?”

“No,” the reporter answered. “You’re both at full strength.”

“Oh well, I’m sure I’d win, then we’d team up to stop the alien. Next question.”

“How about you and the Hulk?”

“Well, Hulk and I don’t cross paths much,” Superman stated. “Is it the green Hulk or the gray one?”


“Oh I’d win,” he grinned. “I would have to find some way to outsmart him to do it. Next question.”

“How about Galactus?” asked another reporter. “He’s pretty big. He eats planets, I hear.”

“I’d win,” Superman replied flatly. “Can we move on from this line of questioning?”

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“I have a question,” a reported stood and raised his hand. “I saw a movie, a documentary I think, that featured you fighting three Kryptonian villains who came to Earth.”

“Ah yes,” Superman said. “You’re referring to General Zod and his crew. What is your question about that?”

“How did those three fire lasers at you from their fingertips? I mean, you’ve never done that ever. I didn’t think it was one of your powers.”

“Laser from the fingertips?” Superman shook his head. “No, that’s not one of our powers.”

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“Well then, how did they do it? Was it a camera trick or something?”

“No, ah, let’s just say that they vibrated their fingers at such speeds that they were able to launch their own atoms at me. In effect, they turned themselves into particle beam weapons.”

“That seems rather silly,” the reporter said. “Why would they do that when they could’ve just used their heat vision or something?”

“I don’t know,” Superman answered. “The important thing is that I beat them and they won’t threaten the people of Earth anymore. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, that’s all the time I have for today.”

And with that, Superman lifted into the air and flew away from the gasping crowd of reporters.
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Kristi said...

What a guy!

Professor Xavier said...


That was hilarious! I've always wondered why Superman never bothered to round up the kryptonite on Earth and throw into the sun. At superspeed in a containment suit it would probably just take him a few minutes. It's like he's taunting the criminals to try and kill him.

Local Henchmen 432 said...

Good One Jon.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I know which town in Kansas the Kryptonite is located!!

Professor Xavier said...

Well sure, you're from the future.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Why didn't anyone ask him about the underwear on the outside issue? I pretty sure it is a sign of a mental disorder of some sort. Most people except nutjobs wear their underwear on the inside. It also explains why superman can't get a job. Dang underwear on the outside issue.

Vegeta said...

Why does Kal-el keep duking out of a fight with me? As for the Clark Kent thing Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Kid Flash said...

This is just between you and med Jon, Batman beat Superman once.
I won't go in to any details just you'd be surprised were a drunk Tim Drake can get you to in the batcave.

Gyrobo said...

I'm surprised nobody asked him where he gets his clothes. I mean, those things can survive nuclear explosions, crushing underwater pressure, and superheated magma. Where did he buy those threads?!

Merlyn Gabriel said...

Wow, who knew Superman was so cute and smart!

I have to agree with army of a (cl)one that the underwear as outer wear thing is a bit suspect though!

Yo Tambien Te Mando Besos said...

Why didn't anyone ask him why is his hair always perfect? That is rather strange also... I mean, he flyes at high-speed.

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