Monday, April 10, 2006

Murder on the Orion Express, the Final Finale

"Ladies and gentlemen, the murderer is..."

The Von Ryan family leaned forward with nervous anxiety, Frondal Niptu leaned forward with his ears perked, Jeeves Jarvis Pennyworth leaned forward with a sniff, Jan leaned forward, sucking in her breath, and Gollux of Gollus leaned forward with intent. The air itself crackled with the energy of anticipation.

"The murderer of Lucky Pierre is," I said cooly. "Lucky Pierre."

"What?" cried Frondal incredulously.

"Really, I daresay," scoffed Jeeves.

Jan's brow furrowed, the Von Ryans looked around at each other and shrugged, Gollux sniffed.

"Or should I say," I continued. "Lucky Pierre, dressed as Gollux of Gollus, killed his clone."

"What?" growled Gollus. "Impossible."

"Oh dreadful!" Jeeves clutched his chest.

"If you'll allow me to continue," I started to check off the goods on Pierre. "Lucky Pierre was currently in debt, as evidenced by Jeeves here."

"Indeed," stated Jeeves with an air of properness.

"Lucky Pierre also just mysteriously found his long-lost brother," I intoned. "And was amazingly on his way to reunite with him. Additionally, everyone knows that when an artist dies, the value of his work skyrockets. And who reaps the monetary benefits? The long-lost 'brother,' his only family, of course."

"Bah!" snorted Gollux. "Earthman, your senseless gibbering annoys us all!"

"On top of that," I added. "Not much is known about Golluns, so naturally it would be easy to pose as one and not many others would notice the facade. But why, I ask, would a xenophobe beg someone like me to save him if his life is in danger?"

"I've, er, seen your gladiator battles," stammered Gollux. "I just wanted to differ to your combat abilities."

"And," I held up my finger. "Lucky Pierre and Gollux were the only two passengers to call me 'Earthman.'"

"Coincidence?" Gollux said hopefully.

"Perhaps that could slide," I conceded. "But the final piece of evidence cannot. On our jump and during the event, I saw Jan and Frondal affected by the anomaly personally. Jeeves was affected by a similar, smaller scale, simulation from my sonic stunner. The Von Ryans were also overwhelmed by my sonic blast, but there was one who didn't seem to notice when I used the simulation on him -- Gollux."

"Hah," Gollux retorted. "Your sonic weapon does not affect my kind. Nice try, Earthman, but you are clearly wrong there."

"Not quite. It didn't affect you because you are wearing environmentally protective Bioarmor."

I reached to a pressure point on Gollux and activated a hidden release. The suit began to peel away, revealing the obnoxious artist within it.

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"Now the fact that you killed a clone of yourself isn't that bad," I said with half a grin. "In fact, I'm sure the courts would be quite happy that you are responsible for keeping two of you from running around loose. The ship's crew phased into the wall, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter."

Pierre leapt up, brandishing a pistol from a hidden pocket. "very clever of you, you unevolved cretin. I'm afraid, however, that when this ship exits hyperspace, I'll just be on my way, then. You see, this pistol fires the same molecular acid-filled projectiles that the probe did. I am going to be the only person walking out of here alive, if neccesery."

"You're forgetting one thing, though, Pierre," I said.

"Oh, and what's that?" he sneered.

"You're not wearing the Bioarmor." With a sonic blast, Pierre crumpled to the ground. I shot him twice more just to be sure.

"Unbelievable," Jan shook her head in amazement.

"Rather," agreed Jeeves. "You sir, are a master detective, indeed."

"Yeah, you may be right," I said. "I'm kind of like Matt Houston, Sherlock Holmes, and Jaques Clouseau all rolled into one."

"Who, who, and who?" asked Jan.

"Forget it," I said as the ship decanted out of hyperspace, entering the Orion system.


Anonymous said...

I still think Jon did it and framed the guy :P

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

LOL, yeah, polls never lie, Jon :)

Good job, and I hope you and Jan know how to land the ship

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

No no no, I didn't do it. The people who voted for me in that poll are obviously the same people who handed Florida to George, Jr.

And I'm sure Jan can handle the ship as well

Wedge Antillies said...

Wow! I never saw that comming. Good for you Jon. I knew that you would do it.

Say, I am missing a pair of boots. DO you think you would have time to help me find them?

Professor Xavier said...

Twists within twists. Very clever. I can't wait for next week's episode - Jon visits the local egg factory only to find that the manager has been killed in Murder Most Fowl.

Karnov said...

Ten cases of beer! Awesome!!!!1!!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Wedge,did you look in your equipment locker?

JawaJuice said...

So….it wasn’t you? Are you sure? Amnesia perhaps?


I knew I shouldn’t have placed that house bet at Watto’s for 10 to 1 odds.

I know what you’re thinking. How could I bet against you?
Hey, I would have spit the winnings with you.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Yeah, you coulda sent them to me in space jail, right?

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Great, the little artist got zapped twice. But killing a clone is just so wrong.

Wolverine said...

Unless it's a Spider-man clone then it is justifible homicide

flu said...

Well, will you have another opportunity to frisk Jan somed- uhh... erm, I mean to work with Jan someday?

You know... impose a pat down at least?