Membership to the League of Planets

Citizens of Earth, it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that I must decline you entry into the League of Planets at this time. Even though few of you actually knew that you were a prospect, We did indeed review your entry. And although you are being declined at this time, I do feel compelled to explain My reasons for passing on your planet.

The first, and most obvious, reason is that you are hardly a space-faring race. Yes, you have launched rockets and reached out to your solar system. Earth beings, however, have yet to discover the warp drive or hyperspace. Though your efforts into space are indeed commendable, your race just isn't quite ready. Keep putting those commsats in orbit, though, your time will come.

The second reason is your leaders' unaltruistic actions towards their constituents. Many of your leaders misuse your people's tax money frivolously on what you call pork-barrel projects. Worse yet, your leaders often engage in war over your planet's natural resources. Believe Me, if you were to visit the oil-covered surface of Petroleux IX, you would understand that there is plenty to go around. I do understand that conflict is one of the basic tenets of life, but the League of Planets strives to avoid wars at all costs. Unless it's against My evil twin brother, of course.

The third reason is your heavy play of James Blunt's You're Beautiful on terrestrial and satellite radio. It is a complete mystery to Me why anyone would enjoy the pedestrian lyrics or the high-pitched screeching in that song. It is also probably not well known to you, but his voice was responsible for causing the Shrieking Ughbats of Valnor Prime to retreat back into hibernation four years prematurely. And Blunt's eyes! It's so disconcerting the way he looks into the camera when he sings, the poor camera operators unquestionably must cover their eyes to avoid his abhorrent gaze. And yet you people make comments about My eyes!

Please understand, Earthers, that your race has great potential and you shall join your brethren in space within the next few thousand years (if you don't destroy yourselves first). When that time comes, We will be waiting to greet you.

Thank you and good evening.