The cellular phone on my Wristcomm rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jon, it’s Cyclops. How are you doing?”

“I am well, and you?”

“Uh, well not too good. Onslaught’s on the loose and coming after you.”

“Onslaught? What’s an Onslaught?”

“Ah, Onslaught’s a physical manifestation of Professor Xavier and Magneto’s power. Basically, the Professor turned into Onslaught right after you two came back from your mission in space.”

“Professor X turned into Onslaught? What caused it?”

“Well, uh… you see his girlfriend Magdalena ran off with Henchman while he was gone.”

“Magdalena? Why that saucy wench.”

“Yeah tell me about it. So the Professor turned into Onslaught, except he’s not really the Professor in there, except he is and has all of Xavier’s powers. Understand?”

“No, not really. What is it with you people and your evil manifestations. Jeez.”

“I dunno, I don’t have one. Onslaught’s really evil, too. He’s so evil that he peed on a seat and didn’t even clean it up!”

“Wow. And he’s coming for me?”

“Uh huh. Be careful, man, he’s got vast mental powers.”

“So you said. It’s OK, I can handle myself.”

“How are you going to do that?”

“I’ll just have to keep my mind blank.”

“YOU,” came a deep rumbling voice. The giant manifestation of evil was suddenly in front of me. “I WILL DESTROY YOU.”

“Onslaught is it? Nice to meet you,” I extended my hand to shake his.

Onslaught sent me flying through the air. I sailed into a junk yard and crashed onto the roof of a wrecked delivery van.

“Ahhh geez,” I rubbed my back with my arm. “That really frickin’ hurt.”

“THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PAIN. TASTE THE WRATH OF ONSLAUGHT, FOOL.”

I leapt off of the wreckage just before it twisted up into a ball. Dodging the brute’s attack, I charged my Sonic Stunner.

“Now I’m mad!” I growled at him. “Taste this, Onstar!”

Onslaught stepped back and clasped one hand to his ear (at least I presume it was his ear) as the variable frequencies of sonic energy assaulted his senses. He stood like that briefly, then emanated a low rumbling noise which shortly turned into laughter.

“HA HA HA. WHAT AN INTERESTING WEAPON. TOO BAD THAT IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME, FOOL!”

“You can’t blame a guy for trying.” I pulled out one of my pistols and fired at him.

“AGAIN YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME!” the energy bolts bounced off his armored form. “YOU ARE FOOLISH FOR EVEN TRYING. DEATH FOR YOU WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL.”

I set my blaster on its highest setting and fired again. With a wave of Onslaught’s arm, the pistol exploded in my hand. I screamed in pain as I cradled the charred remains of my limb under my other arm.

“STILL, YOUR MIND RACES… STILL TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO STOP ME. YOU CANNOT.”

I crawled further away from my adversary. “Yeah, too bad I didn’t TiVo this fight,” I said with more bravery than I actually had. “I could rewind this and do something different, huh?”

“VERY WELL, TRY AGAIN.”

Suddenly, I found myself whole and still on the phone with Cyclops. Onslaught appeared in front of me once more and hurled me into the junk yard.

“WHAT WILL IT BE THIS TIME?” he roared. “DO YOU WANT TO TRY YOUR SONIC WEAPON ONCE MORE?”

“How about this?” I drew both of my pistols this time and fired them directly at his face. This time, the lancing energy was deflected by some sort of barrier.

“YOUR DEATH IS UPON YOU. WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR BEFORE YOU DIE?”

“Anything that’s not coming from your mouth,” I retorted. My pistols exploded again and I flew back through the air and crashed into a pile of 50 gallon drums. Through the haze, I could see a semi trailer hovering over me.

“TOO EASY,” the villain sneered as the trailer dropped on me.

Once again, I found myself on the phone with Cyclops. Once again, Onslaught appeared in front of me.

“Aw crap.”

After crashing onto the van a third time, I tried firing the harpoon from my Wristcomm at him. Laughing all the while, he caught the projectile in midair and spun me around by the attached cable.

I sailed through the junk yard and slammed into a pile of rotting mattresses.

“That… was a pleasant… switch…” I managed to quip.

“GIVE UP NOW, FOOL. EMBRACE YOUR END AND I WILL MAKE IT QUICK AND PAINLESS.”

“I really doubt that,” I scrambled for cover as engine blocks, hub caps, metal poles, and car frames flew at me. “Is this really necessary? Come on, no woman is worth turning all evil and slamming me around like this.”

“THAT LYING HARLOT WILL GET HERS!” my powerful antagonist announced as he hurled more ferrous debris at me. “BUT YOU WILL STILL DIE FIRST!”

The wreckage of a Volkswagen bus slammed into me. I was pinned between it and other pieces of twisted rust. My adversary stalked towards me.

“I GROW TIRED OF THIS GAME,” he announced.

“Imagine… how I feel…” I sputtered.

“VERY WELL,” he raised his hand. “I SHALL END THIS AND YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL.”

I heard shots ring out – shots from a pulse rifle! Rifle rounds as well as a ruby beam slammed into the helmed menace.

“Yeeehaw! Here comes the cavalry!” Private Hudson yelled. “Come get some! Come on! Take that!”

“Game over for you, Onslaught!” Cyclops announced as energy lashed out from his eyes.

Onslaught howled, but before he could counterattack, Cyclops, Hudson, and I disappeared.

“NOOOOOOO!” Onslaught threw his fists into the air and howled again.