Friday, September 29, 2006

Exterminator? Eliminator? Instigator?

On a cool night, in the belly of the city, the darkness was interrupted. Lightning flashed and an unusual ball of energy formed on the wet concrete underneath an overpass. Electricity crackled and something formed within the sphere of ionic power.

The fury subsided; the form within was a man crouching low. With his high voltage womb dissipating, the unclothed man stood up and surveyed his surroundings. This surely must be the place.

A gang emerged from the shadows. “Hey nature boy, what are you doing on our turf?” one of the thugs called out.

“Giff me your clothes and your shoes,” the naked man stated flatly.

“Screw you, buddy!” With a flash, the blade of the stiletto in the punk’s hand snapped to life.

With no regard for their lives, the naked man dispatched the aggressors with ease. Stripping them down, he took their boots, pants, a shirt, and leather jacket. To complete the look of the locals, he snatched the sunglasses from off one of his mangled victims.

Stiffly walking down the city street, the hulking man found a convenience store and stepped inside.

“I require a phone book,” the man coldly told the clerk in an unusual European accent.

The clerk pointed him towards the phone book.

The man grabbed the book and quickly flipped through all of the pages.

“There are a lot of Jons,” he said flatly, showing little disappointment.

“What did you say, pal?” asked the clerk.

The man paused for a moment, as if choosing from a list of what to say.

“Shut up, gas bowl.”


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The doorbell to my front door rang. I looked through the window, but I didn’t recognize the leather jacketed man standing there. I unlocked the bolt and pulled the door open.

“Yes?”

“Are you Jon zeh Intergalactic Gladiator?” the man asked.

“Uh… how did you…?”

The man quickly produced a sawed-off shotgun from underneath his jacket and fired. I dove out of the way of the blast and hurled myself over the living room couch. Foam and cloth exploded as the man fired the second shot from the double barreled weapon. As the empty shells clattered to the floor, I stood up and fired the sonic stun blast from my Wristcomm at him.

“You’re veapon ist useless. You vill be terminated.” He advanced towards me.

I scrambled back and grabbed one of my blaster pistols. I swung the weapon around at him and loosed several lances of phased energy right at his chest. The blaster bolts slammed into him and shredded his leather jacket. His flesh burned away where he was hit and I was startled to see what was underneath – wires popping and sparking and servos whirring.

“You vill be terminated,” the monster repeated and stiffly lunged towards me.

I dodged his attack and leapt out the window, firing my pistol at the glass to shatter it.

I tumbled to the ground and rolled to absorb my fall. I quickly sprang up and sprinted into my back yard. Throwing myself over the fence, I glanced back and saw that this cyborg or whatever he is charging towards me.

Running down the alleyway, I looked at the pistol in my hand. “Well Betsy,” I said to her. “Looks like we’re in some deep stuff now.”

Elsewhere, a second ball of energy crackled and thundered to life. A second naked man stood up and looked at his surroundings. He saw the crumpled remains of the two bikers and knew that the Terminator was not far away.

Meanwhile, in my mad dash from the stalking behemoth, I managed to make my way into a junkyard. I looked around at my options. I had few.

“You vill be terminated,” the machine man said a third time.

“I heard you the first time!” I yelled as I fired at the oil drum next to him.

The oil drum exploded and the flaming fluid splashed all over him. He calmly walked through the flames and continued towards me. From behind his back, he produced an Uzi 9mm submachine gun.

What is it with me and these last stands in junkyards?

11 comments:

TX said...

Hmmmm... This is interesting

Local Henchmen 432 said...

I'll be back...to the hot tub.

Private Hudson said...

That punk with the blue hair looks awfully familiar.

Karnov said...

The gov of CAL-E-FORN-E-UH! OH NOES!

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Watch out for his sharp whit and vacillating politics. He is an unpredictable foe.

Darth Nepharia said...

Jon, who have you pissed off this time?

Vegeta said...

how do you understand what he says?

Erifia Apoc said...

Jon, you can do it! Kick his butt!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

You've upset the Governor!

josh williams said...

Dang, is this all true?

Professor Xavier said...

I was just thinking the same thing, Hudson. There is something very familiar about the fellow with the blue spikey hair. I could swear I've seen him some place before.

I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore now that he's been terminated.