Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part X

I looked at the stream of hipster zombies shuffling in through the doors to the mall. I looked back down the hall where more of the undead lurched towards us as well. I needed a plan.

“OK, here’s what we do,” I said. “Jim, you’re the biggest one here among us. We need to get you something that you can plow through them with, I’ll be right behind you with my gun. The doctor here and Kyle will follow behind.”

“Uh uh.” He shook his head. “Nothin’ doing.”

“We’ll find you a pole or part of a bench or something,” I explained. “Just barrel through ‘em and I’ll shoot any who get to close.”

“I said I’m not doing it,” he insisted. “I’m a running back, I don’t lead block.”

“Lives are on the line, man,” Kyle moaned. “C’mon, we gotta get out of here.”

“I’m telling you, I don’t lead block,” he repeated, carefully emphasizing the last three words.”

“You have any better ideas?” Dr. Porter asked.

“I’m telling you, I don’t lead block, man. You ever play football? You’d know.”

“Well, I was third string wide receiver on a wishbone offense in high school,” I said. “I would have been a great receiver if only I could run and catch.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” he growled.

“Jim, please,” Dr. Porter looked into his eyes. “You know we’ve got to get out of here. If you can think of any better way I’m all for it, but we have to get moving.”

The former college all star looked back at her and sighed. “All right, I’ll do it. What should I use?”

We all looked around for something he might use for a battering ram.

“Uh, there’s that bench over there,” pointed Kyle. Then he added “Uh… surrounded by all the zombies.”

“Or… uh… let’s see…” I couldn’t find anything else either.

“Some plan,” Jim growled.

“Well, it’s a good plan in theory,” I replied.

“Yeah, in theory,” Dr. Porter repeated.

We saw as the sarcastically mumbling undead scenesters made their way towards us. Slowly, they shuffled. Inch by inch, they drew nearer.

“Well? Any other plans?” Jim asked.

“We’re going to have to fight our way through,” I said grimly. “I don’t think my blaster has enough charge left for much longer.”

“Well, it’s been good knowing you.” Jim cracked his knuckled. His whole body tensed as he readied himself to spring into action. Like a panther, ready to pounce on its prey, his eyes glared with steely resolve.

“Yeah, it’s been nice,” Dr. Porter smiled weakly.

Suddenly, the glass doors exploded as Jim’s car came crashing through. With Eve behind the wheel, the car rammed through or drove over any of the undead unlucky enough to be in the way. And just to add insult to injury she did a donut, smoking the tires and spinning the car around the mall floor before skidding to a stop with zombies scattered in every direction.

Eve rolled down the window and leaned out. “Get in!” She hollered with unusual determination.

“You don’t have to tell us twice,” Kyle answered as we dashed for the car. He and the doctor piled into the back.

“Move over,” Jim said as he opened the driver’s side door.

“I’m driving!” Eve growled back at him.

“Well OK then,” Jim shrugged and made his way around the front of the car to get into the passenger’s seat.

Eve stomped on the gas pedal and the tires squealed again. She spun around in circles sending anything left coming towards us flying through the air before heading back through the shattered glass doors again.

“Wahooo!” Kyle hollered and the car shot towards the access road.

Hours later, Eve was still driving and heading towards the sunrise. Dr Porter, Kyle, and Jim were dozing in their seats and I shifted uncomfortably. Eve clicked on the radio and we heard a reporter deliver a stern report:

“Authorities are unable to determine the cause of the mysterious outbreak that hit Happy Valley and though the military and FEMA have been mobilized, they assure us that it has been contained within the confines of the city. No survivors have been found but authorities are still combing the area.”

“Heh, ‘mysterious outbreak,’” Eve repeated, her voice dripping disdain. “That wasn’t exactly a bad case of the flu we faced back there.”

“Some people aren’t prepared to hear about what happened in Happy Valley,” I replied. “I don’t excuse anyone for covering this up but there’s a lot of people who just aren’t ready to hear some of what’s going on out there.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “The existence of extraterrestrial life.”

“Extraterrestrial life?” she laughed. “Shyeah right. I’ll believe that when I see it.”

The end



Professor Xavier said...

That was a really funny moment in the first Heavy Metal animated movie where the undercover alien robot disguised as a government stooge told everyone at the White House that there was no other intelligence life in the Universe and everyone bought it and were all relieved. Hilarious moment.

Big Joe Fixit said...

I could use a few less Outer Space aliens truthfully

SHI said...

I do hope Hudson gives you our message

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Aliens? How ridiculous!

mwb said...


Must you drag the strict realism of your stories into trashy fantasy.