Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Lounging at the Jedi Temple

[Crowd murmuring, applause]
Thank you, thank you. My name is Johnny Warpten and I will be your entertainment tonight at the Jedi Temple Lounge. Boy talk about your traffic out there, I saw a 50 car pileup just outside! The only time I saw a worse accident was on an episode of C.H.I.P.s.

[Mild laughter]
Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars
Gimme those Star Wars, across the sky

Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars
Please let those Star Wars, stayyyyyy

[Mild Applause] Yeah, I know you've all heard that one before, I just felt like I had to get it out of the way, you know. Say, what's your name?

Aayla: I'm Aayla Secura.

Aayla, you've got me on my knees.
Aayla, I'm begging, darling please.
Aayla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

Let's make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell me all my love's in vain.

Aayla, you've got me on my knees.
Aayla, I'm begging, darling please.
Aayla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

[Applause]Thank you everybody. And hey, Aayla, be careful out there, don't ever turn your back on a clone trooper.

[Mild laughter] What's your name, what do you do here?

Yoda: Know me you do, Yoda my name is. On the Jedi Counsel I sit.

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A, soda

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
Y-O-D-A, Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

[Mild applause]
Yoda: Heard this song I have before, funny it is not. Deader than Exar Khun, Weird Al's career is.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Hello Dark Side, my old friend
I've come to fight with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Curuscant streets of durostone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

[Applause] Thank you, thank you very much. You know, we all have our struggles. Some of us are shy or have trouble passing the driver's license test. Others struggle with the temptations of the Dark Side everyday. Isn't that right, my friend?

Anakin: Dude, you are so whack. You're trippin, yo.

And who's your friend here tonight?

Padme: I am Senator Amidala. Anakin is my, uh, bodyguard tonight.

Anakin: Tha's right, yo.

Fly me to Naboo
Let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Alderaan and Mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you


Padme: Oh that was beautiful!

Anakin: Where the funk is "Mars?"

Don't worry about it, Annie. OK, everybody, I've had a great time but I have to take a short break. I'll be right back, though, so don't go anywhere. And don't forget to tip your bartender and waitresses!

[Jon leaves, but as the curtain closes, a familiar figure darts through it onto stage]

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he's a clown jumping up and down
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he's a crazy clown

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, driving across Texas in his Lexus
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he has a solar plexus

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, Evil Willow is a hottie eating a biscotti
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, he's Jo Jo the Monkeyboy

Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, when eating cheese he'll say please
Jo Jo the Monkeyboy watch out he might sneeze!

[Heavy booing, lots of garbage is thrown at the Monkeyboy and several lightsabers are ignited]

Ha ha, thanks everybody! Gotta go!


flu said...

Jon, I never knew you were a lounge singer. Is this the only work you can get now that you have OhNo for a sidekick?

This is exactly why I don't hang out at the temple at night.

The real entertainment goes on in the meeting room behind closed doors.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I did sing once before. You can read about it here.

And I tell you, that sock puppets going to be the death of me.

Jo Jo The Monkeyboy's Ghost said...

What sock puppet?

Leia said...

Nice job!

They're like socks, you just can't wear them.

JawaJuice said...

Oh how the mighty have fallen...

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Intergalactic Gladiators and sock puppets; the two don't seem to go together.

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