Monday, August 01, 2005

I Hate Sidekicks Part 3

In the Horizon Amphitheater, Fire Island 9, Planet Hacknor.

[Crowd is cheering]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, tonight's main event!

[Crowd cheers more]

In this corner, from planet 18M. The gladiator with the speed and the strength of a robot and the cunning and ferocity of a Minotaur. I bring you the Megataur!

[Crowd boos]


In this corner, from Planet Earth. A mere "human" who has nonetheless captured your hearts with his courage, tenacity and bravado, Jon!

[Crowd roars]

And introducing, his partner, Jo Jo, The Monkey Boy!

[crowd goes absolutely silent]
A child-like voice from the audience: What the heck is that?

Jo Jo [holding fists into the air]: Howdee! Hiya! Hooyah hello! Howya doin' boss?

Jon: Ugh. I'll take the Megataur, you just try to say out of my way.

Jo Jo: You got it boss [salutes], I'll hit 'im high, and you hit him low!

Jon: No! I said to, whulp!

The Megataur grabs our hero, spins him around in the air and throws him across the arena.

Jo Jo: Ooooh, now you gonna pay! I'm gonna gets you but good!

Jo Jo dances around swinging his fist wildly. The Megataur kicks the sidekick across the arena.

Jo Jo: YEEEEEEEEEE-YOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

Jon snaps to it and jumps to his feet. He knows that he cannot beat this menace with strength, he needs to use his agility and avoid the big mech's attacks. But the Megataur presses on and slams a fist down at Jon. Jon dodges, somersaults and rolls away to safety.

Jon runs over to Jo Jo, avoiding the charge of the Megataur.

Jon: Jo Jo, I have an idea!

Jo Jo: Squack! What is it, Johnny Jon Jon?

Jon grabs Jo Jo's legs and spins him around and around. Jo Jo wails as the velocity increases. With a final spin, Jon releases the comedy relief sidekick at the Megataur's legs. The robotic monster, not calculating the attack in time, stumbles over the semi-intelligent missile. A flying kick from Jon knocks the machine over and several hacks into the armor later with a Vibro Ax, the Megataur's servos are disengaged.

[Crowd cheers]

Announcer: The winner, Jon!

[Crowd roars]

Holding his bruised ribs, Jon walks off the arena floor and into the backstage area with the Monkeyboy following. VP of Marketing J'onn Sinew Nu approaches them.

Sinew Nu: What a great performance! I haven't seen such a great match since I don't know when!

Jo Jo: Yeah, we sure moiderized da stupid robot, huh, Jon? [Looks at Sinew Nu] Howya doin' boss?

[Sinew Nu laughs at the catchphrase]

Jon: [to Jo Jo] Quiet. Sinew Nu, I've seen stupid things in my life. But this is the stupidest... I can't even... This thing could have gotten me killed!

Sinew Nu: Nonsense. The crowd loved him and you came up a winner. That's Kazoobie in the bank!

Sinew Nu lights a fat Cube XII cigar and lights it up.

Jon: What? The crowd hated him, you can't play these people like they're idiots. They're not!

Sinew Nu: Well let's just agree to disagree. When I see Jo Jo, I see advertising, commercial endorsements, and merchandise! The kids love him!

Jon sulks off with his hand over his face.

4 comments:

flu said...

ugh.

Sad.

At least you're not dead, even though you may wish you were.

I know a guy that specializes in creating believable 'accidents' - if you want to meet him.

"bwauwth"

Leia said...

You should've let the minotaur finish him off first.

Carrie said...

nice!!

bellringr said...

I thought the sponge monkey creatures on the Quiznos ads were ugly and annoying, but that...that "thing"...well, it's just wrong. ;)