Thursday, October 27, 2005

Jon The Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 1

Art: Hello, I am Art Linklighter and welcome to "This is Your Life." Today's special guest comes to us from a planet called Earth, but he works on Hacknor where he entertains thousands of beings as an Intergalactic Gladiator. So let's give a big This it Your Life welcome to Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!

[applause, Jon steps through the curtains first bewildered by the crowd noise, then laughs and walks up to shake Art's hand]

Jon: Oh my God, I never expected this! I can't believe that I am here!

Art: Well, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, it should come as no surprise to you that you have many fans out there on the INTERgalactic Network of Engineered Transmissions.

Jon: Yeah, I call them my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators.

Art: I know, but do you know who this voice belongs to?

Voice: Battling alongside Earth Jon is good, yes? You are a worthy ally!

Jon: Why that sounds like my good friend Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm.

Starkey walks onto stage; he and Jon clasp hands.

Starkey: Remember good dinner I made for you? It was delicious and good, no?

Jon: No, uh, yes. It was something all right.

Starkey: Hey, you have not made good post of your good friend in long time. You must write of our adventures again, yes?

Jon: Good idea, maybe I could write about that one time at Flagnar V.

Starkey: Oh no! That was too crazy, no talking of that night for you and me! Ha ha ha!

Art: Well, that was just great. How about a big round of applause for Starkey Al-Hvmmmmm. Say Jon, are you ready for your next guest?

Jon: Sure am.

Art: Well, then listen to this!

Voice: It is the great unknown that brings humans here! Numbah one, engage!

Jon: That commanding presence, that deep baritone, that voice can only belong to one man: Sean Connery!

Captain Jean Luc Picard steps out on stage feigning anger, then quickly drops the facade to shake Jon's hand.

Picard: I know Jon well, as well as being frequent commentors on each other's blogs, we have visited each other a time or two.

Jon: Ah yes, you showed up naked at my home once and you left your photo album behind. I had to return it to you.

Picard: Ah, yes, that was an unfortunate and dreadful incident. I assure you that it would not happen again.

Jon: You know, you even invited me to sing at the Ten Forward, then stiffed me when it came time for payment. He said that my check was in his other uniform.

[Patting around his uniform tunic and pants] Picard: Looks like I forgot my chequebook once again. Aha, well, of course we humans of the 24th Century have evolved past the need for money.

Jon: Yeah, evidently your uniforms have evolved past the need for pockets as well.

Art: Jean Luc Picard, everybody. Let's give him a big round of applause. Are you ready to meet your next guest?

Jon: Sure, let's do this.

Voice: Remember, remember that one time when we went bronto tipping and I totally fell and got all goosed with mud?

Jon: Fluke?

[Fluke Starbucker stumbles through the curtains, raises the blastshield of his helmet to give a goofy and sheepish grin, then stumbles over to where Jon and Art are standing.]

Fluke: Hey Jon, what's up?

Jon: Not much, hey you know I'm on "This is Your Life" right now?

Fluke: Oh, yeah, that's so cool. Hey, remember that one time you fought Jabba the Hutt?

Jon: Uh, Fluke, that was you.

Fluke: Oh yeah, that was something. Hey, remember when you got The Mighty Might He Bite Me and you took Sprok as your Number One (snicker) and then you did stuff and then you were cured?

Jon: Again, that was you, Fluke.

Fluke: Oh yeah, that was way cool, too. How about, how about that time you tried to come out on stage and then you were like all caught up in the curtains and stuff?

Jon: Fluke, you just did that! [Gestures to curtains]

Fluke: Oh yeah, I had trouble seeing 'cuz of the blast shield and all and stuff.

Jon: Have you been eating Qui-Qon and JJ's Brownies?

Fluke: Heh heh heh ha ha ha ha heh heh. No, why?

Art: We'll be right back after these messages.


flu said...

Do you remember that deformed cat you got that one time that ended up eating your wookie or something?

Man, that was wacky!

flu said...


Well, what about the time your pants flew off while you were jumping on that trampoline in front of all those ladies?

What a riot!

flu said...


Maybe the time you blackmailed Obi-Wan?

He was soooo embarrassed!

flu said...

not that either?

Well, what about the time you oversaw that rescue of Jar Jar on Tatooine?

I can't believe what he was wearing!

flu said...


...the time you ruptured an anurysm while trying to blow up that skinny balloon like old Louie Strongarm?

Man, that had ta hurt somethin fierce!

flu said...


What about the time you mashed Darth Tater?

oh, wait! I ain't wrote that yet...

Man, It's gonna be great!

flu said...

Gosh, Jon... you've got one lousy memory...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Remember that one time you watched Tommy Boy in ther greenroom and then came out on "This is Your Life" talking like Chris Farley? Yeah, that was cool.

flu said...


Professor Xavier said...

I always wondered if people were just faking being suprised about being on that show. I mean, they had to get to the studio somehow, right? I guess now I know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Professor, I seem to recall seeing the show once where they grabbed the candidate off the street. So at least they did it sometimes that way. I always thought about that with guests on talk shows, Jerry Springer is obvious, but why would a guy go on Ricky Lake? The topic is usually "My Boyfriend s a Cad, But He Thinks He's Rad." or something.

(Fluke, your character sounds an awful lot like Farely in the post..."

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Who asked me to come on this show?