Monday, October 31, 2005

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 3, or Jon's 100th post spectacular

The audience remains in stunned silence as the Monkeyboy bounds through the curtains. Like a champion pugilist, the Monkeyboy shakes clasped fists in the air -- first to one side, then the other.

Jon: Wait a minute.

Monkeyboy: Howya doin' bwauth?

Jon: You're just a bit smaller than Jo Jo and you're clearly a lefty, not a righty. You're not Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, you're his brother MoJo.

MoJo: You got that right daddy-O. Who wants a banana daiquiri?

Jon: No thanks.

[Uncomfortable pause]

Jon: So, what brings you here?

MoJo: Oh, I'm just here representing the Monkeyboy clan. We were a very important part of your past few months worth of posts!

Jon: That's a part of my past few months that I'd rather not remember.

[MoJo ignores the comment and continues.]

MoJo: Your first post featuring my brother was here. You were offering fighting tips and you didn't have any to offer against Jo Jo. I gotta tell you, buddy boy, you're silly. You know Monkeyboys are lovers, not fighters! Hoo hoo ha ha ha!

Jon: Yeah, I don't know how to respond to that comment.

MoJo: Hoo hoo ha ha hah hah! You slay me, Jon. We have a little tape for you, buddy-o!

Art: Let's roll the tape.

Memories like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or that time has re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...

The way we were...

The way we were...

Art: Well, that was just...

Jon: ...Bad...

MoJo: Thanks! We had some third-year students at MIT-S put that tape together! Hoo hoo ha ha!

Jon: OK, MoJo, one last question.

MoJo: Shoot, Bilbo Bebop!

Jon: Why did you use Jo Jo's catchphrase?

MoJo: Oh that was just a swerve. Don't worry, You still my bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!

Art: MoJo the Monkeyboy everybody!

[The audience applauds in a sort of "Thank God it's over" way. MoJo walks off stage smiling and blowing kisses to the crowd.]

Art: Well that was exciting. Say Jon, are you ready for the final guest?

Jon: The last guest? Man, it seems like we just started.

Art: Well, we have a little bonus for you, the final guest is actually a group. Take a listen to this...

Voice 1: I almost had that damnable Earthling beat, but then he ripped out my cybernetic eye.

Voice 2: Ngraaaar! I will destroy him and everything in my way!

Voice 3: Megataur superior, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator inferior.

Voice 4: And so I says "It's time to burn, baby, burn!" Yeah!

Voice 5: I'm a gonna pounda you good, eh?

Voice 6: Nrgraaarrr! Smash boom bam! Ngraaarrr!

Voice 7: Ha ha ha ha! Of all of my cohorts here, I am the one who holds a win over Jon! And I'll do it again! Burble burble!

Voice 8: I smash him good! I disintegrate stupid comedy relief sidekick! Ha ha ha ha!

Jon: Well, that sounds like all of my opponents that I have faced and written about in my chronicles.

Art: That's right, let's bring out Lord EyeBorg, the colossal Rngarnghk, Megatuar, the New Killer Bomb, "Muscles" Marinara with his girlfriend Margarita Pisa, Freh-dee Mars, Octopus Prime and Abi the Butcher!

[The combatants come out onto stage elbowing each other and growling.]

Jon: Well, this is nice, all of my enemies here to see me.

Lord EyeBorg: Don't worry, Earth scum. Of course, all of us want to see you dead, but we all signed a no-compete clause with Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment. We can't do anything against you here.

New Killer Bomb: That's right, that's right I said you're gonna burn and burn real good, I says, but not tonight, baby! Yeah!

Jon: OK, that's nice.

"Muscles" Marinara: So we're going to all sing to you instead!

Megataur: Bring out all guests for song.

[Starkey, Captain Picard, Yoda, Fluke and MoJo all return to the stage, joined by the Beast, Professor X, J'onn Sinew Nu, Captain Dion X. Machina, Fiddy Cred, the Baroness, Captain James T. Kwirck, The Colonial Marines, Staley Da Bear®, Buck Rogers, Larry and Jake Bob Orkon, J J Jawa, Lieutenant Falcon and Princess Leia. Everyone on stage begins to sing.]

Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Does whatever an Intergalactic Gladiator can
He can fight all the time
For what's right and a rhyme
Hey there, there goes the Intergalactic Gladiator Man

Is he strong? Listen, bud
He's got A positive blood
Can he fight on Fire Isle?
Take a look at his personal file
Hey there, there goes the Intergalactic Gladiator Man

In the chill of night at the scene of a fight
Like a streak of light, the Danger Sled will take flight!

Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Friendly Intergalactic Gladiator, man
Fame and glory, he's ignored
Saving the Earth is his reward
To him, life is a great big slog
wherever there's a funny blog
You might find the Intergalactic Gladiator Man!

[Audience applauds; gives standing ovation]

Jon: Man, that was the biggest piece of sh--

Art Linklighter: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, that was "This is Your Life!" Good night everybody, see you next week!

The music starts, credits roll, and everyone on stage shakes hands and hugs each other.


Master Yoda said...

Congratulations on your 100th post.

A wild ride so far it has been.

November Rain said...

my door bell rings and it is Jon she says trick or treat

cons on post 100

flu said...


happy 100st

Professor Xavier said...

100 posts! Tremendous. Let me be the fourth to congratulate you. And that is a very catchy theme song you have there. Every superhero should have one.

Captain Typho said...

Fantabulous! Here's to 100 more!

Beast said...

Amazing job! Congratulations =)


JawaJuice said...

A fitting tribute! One that has put tears in my eyes and made my ears bleed.
Here's to another 100!!

sniff Our little gladiator is all grown up....

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Great post. Glad to be featured on the show.

Happy 100th Post!