Monday, November 28, 2005

Movie Review: Starship Troopers



OK, check this out, so I'm watching this movie, Starship Troopers and they start out talking about how there are bugs that they have to fight, and I'm thinkin' cool, go shoot up them bugs! Game over for the bugs, man. But then they go and show these kids in high school learning about what it takes to become a citizen. One of the quickest ways is military service. OK, I like that part. Some civilians are just too stupid sometimes, you know. Like, how many people do you know who can field strip an M41A Pulse Rifle? Not many Hmmm?

Any way, the teacher has this cool robot hand and he got it while he was in the military and I think having that hand has to be convenient for opening beer cans and pushing people away when you have to go shoot bugs or something. So then the kids graduate and Johnny Rico wants to go Mobile Infantry, which is sort of like Colonial Marines (but not as good, of course). His girl is becoming a pilot (I like hot pilots!) but she's totally hanging out with this pretty boy pilot jerk. If it were up to me, Pretty Boy would be meeting the business end of my M41A, if you know what I mean.

So, Johnny is in Boot Camp and one of his guys gets shot in the head in a training accident! Oh man! Johnny is sentenced to a public lashing and his Drill Sergeant gives him something to bite on while he whips shirtless Johnny and his big man-nipples. Everyone's watching 'cuz it's in front of the other troops.

This scene makes me very uncomfortable. It's not the whipping itself, it's the two soldiers involved. Everyone knows that the H-Man is a ladies man and these two guys seem to like each other a little bit too much, if you know what I mean.

So everyone graduates from Boot and they go off to fight the war. This is the part I like, and they go off to fight, ughh, bugs. I hate bugs. Can't stand 'em, never could, but the Mobile Infantry guys go off to the planet and start shooting everything in sight. That I like.

Then they go defend a fort out in the middle of nowhere, and I'm like game over man, and a bunch of guys totally get eaten and smashed by the bugs and they're totally getting their butts kicked there. The bugs are coming out of the walls and the troops are effed now! A general gets smashed by a bug, too, but that's OK I guess because I've never seen a general field strip an M41A.

So Johnny's hot and pouty girl flies down and picks them up and most of them are OK, except Johnny's other hot girlfriend, Hot Redhead. Johnny got to see Hot Redhead take off her shirt and space bra, so I know Johnny's on the up and up and I like him more now. Hot Redhead doesn't make it and they have a great military funeral for her and shoot her off into space and Johnny's like "Let's go kick them bug asses now!" and all the other guys are like "Hell yeah!"

So they go back to Bug Planet and they start shooting everything in sight and Johnny rescues Hot Pouty and Pretty Boy and they find a big brain bug! Oh man! So they haul out Brain Bug and Johnny's other friend, who's a colonel now and most likely doesn't know which end of a M41A is which, but he looks at the Brain Bug and says "Hey everyone, he's afraid!" and all the troops cheer.

So then they show the scientists totally sticking a prod up the Brain Bug's butt so they know how to fight 'em now. Johnny gets to lead all the troops and Hot Pouty gets to command her own battleship and all the bugs get totally shot and blown up. Game over for the bugs!

I love this movie, I love the bugs getting smashed, the only thing I don't like is that everyone is getting promoted. I've been in this man's Colonial Marines for 8 years and I'm still a private. Anyway, that's a small complaint and I give the movie 5 shots from my trusty M41A Pulse Rifle!

6 comments:

flu said...

um... I'm confused Private... Is that 5 shots out of 5 possible?

...or 5 shots out of 73?

See, it's still five shots... but there's a point of reference now letting us - the faithful readers - know exactly how much weight each shot carries.

They teach that stuff in officer's school.

Private Hudson said...

You have a good point there, civilian. Because my M41A Pulse Rifle shoots 10x24-mm caseless in seemingly endless ammounts, I will ammend my rating to 5 short bursts out of 5 short bursts.

And don't give me any of that garbage about officer school, all they do there is look at maps, shine their shoes and study military histroy. Military history does me no good 'cuz I'm fightin' things today not back then.

Noel of Neptonian said...

You know something, I hate bugs too.

The alien that destroyed my planet looked like a giant flying insecet.

And then the Geonosians (who are smaller insects like creatures) wanted to dismantle me when I was in the coma.

Master Yoda said...

This movie I saw once. Dumber I felt when done watching it I was.

Professor Xavier said...

I too saw this movie and I do have to agree with the H-Man, that pilot was a real hottie.

And you should know there was a direct to video sequel released not too long ago. If you like the first movie, you could probably stomach the second.

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